I Have Entered the Olympics

There was no training.

There was no way you could possibly train for this.

I'm not sure lifting weights prior to getting pregnant would have even helped.

What am I talking about you wonder? Trying to feed Sweet Pea!

This has become an exhausting and grueling Olympic style event.

My baby girl has started to see the world around her....not just see it but want to know ALL about it.  I marvel at her interest in the simplest things; watching the fan go around, staring at the shadows on the wall, adoring the clouds as the drift by in the sky.   She is learning and experiencing new things EVERY single day.  I love when something as simple as watching the trees blow in the wind excites her.  I want to show her the world....

......just not during feeding time.

This new found interest in all the world has to offer has made feeding her a bottle really hard!  Who am I kidding?!? It's damn near impossible at times. 

I like to think of it like something as simple as the bobsled.  Everyone gets on board, you start off slow and gain speed as you continue on the course.  This is our feeding time.  Each time one of us settles in to feed our darling baby girl she always starts by taking the bottle and staring at our faces.  This is the start of needing to wear a bib...not for her...for us.  She likes to eat in a sort of snuggling position.  When she stares at your face and you make eye contact, she smiles and as that smile spreads across her face, the formula runs out of her mouth down my shirt. I would take a thousand stains a day and ruin a thousand shirts for a lifetime of those moments.

Next she starts to get bored and her eyes start to wander....followed by her head simply turning from side to side.  This is still the easy part....something hasn't caught her attention yet.  That special something that just fascinates her is ALWAYS somewhere not easy to see...so she starts to twist into a pretzel to see it.

This is where the fun begins.

Adjusting her does nothing because she will very quickly lose interest and start to span the room for something new to engage all the while trying to keep eating.   She EXPECTS to keep eating.  As her head turns to each side faster and faster, the sweat begins to form on me.

At the height of our sport, it would probably resemble the exorcist meets Jackson Pollack. Her head  and eyes are moving back and forth so fast that formula is flying everywhere because lets face it ...I CAN NEVER KEEP UP.  My shirt and the furniture turn into Gerber style works of art. 

And when that bottle falls out....OH THE SCREAMS.  Those high pitched wails could wake the dead.....

But alas as our sport comes to a close, she starts to get tired and snuggles back in for some cuddles and possibly a nap.....

My sweet angel ...looking like this....

This is not actually Sweet Pea.....

And her dear mama looking like this

I can't wait until our next sport......eating foods...or the ever popular ..trying to change a crawling baby!


Happy First Father's Day To My Baby Daddy

It is Father's Day.

My husband's first Father's day.

My father's first Father's day with a granddaughter.  He already has an amazingly adorable Grandson from my sister. 

My father in law's first Father's Day as a Grandpa!

I am actually a little surprised that I am way more emotional today than I was on Mother's Day. 

I might even admit to you that I burst into tears running to the store, listening to the song Africa by Toto (Random!!!!!) thinking about our family.   OUR family....OUR FAMILY!  I friggen love it!

There were several moments today where the tears just came.....

This morning, laying in bed with my husband and our sweet pea in between us cuddling.  She reached out and grabbed his finger with her whole hand.....WA-TER-WORKS!

We sat outside and I was watching my baby take in the world.  I looked at him, gazing at her and thought my heart was going to burst <3

Today has been an incredible, unbelievable milestone in our relationship! We worked hard to celebrate this day!  Every year, while I would fall apart on Mother's Day, he would keep it together on Father's Day, remaining stoic.  The struggle hurt us both to the core and each Father's day, I admired his courage.  He would always brush it off...but the truth was...we wanted a family and we didn't have one...and it sucked!

So to my AMAZING husband, I am thrilled to say HAPPY FIRST FATHER'S DAY!!

I love you!!

           I love us!!!!

                       I love our daughter!!!!!

                                    I love our family!!!


Mom Public Service Announcement: What You Have In Your Child's Medicine Bag That Can Kill You...

I'm not ashamed to admit that I am scared to death of all weapons.

You know the usual..... Machete's, Guns, Baby Nail Clippers......

Wait! What?  You aren't scared of Baby Nail Clippers?!?!  It's just me then....Fabulous!

I mean seriously, Look at this thing...

Just the sight of it makes me break out in sweats....

Oh and don't let that Safety 1st thing fool you...it's not a brand...It's a warning! Further proof...baby nail clippers are totally weapons.

Maybe I have been traumatized by stories of one too many babies getting cut and bleeding from these "harmless tools".  I don't ever want Sweet Pea to get hurt ...EVER! NEVER, NEVER, NEVER do I EVER want to be the cause of it.  I'm petrified of those little shark like jaws pinching her in the wrong way....

So I have nominated my husband the official "Nail Cutter".

The secret is....he is scared too.

What does this mean...My darling gorgeous little Sweet Pea has talons....


Oh and that sweet little princess knows how to use them.  By the looks of my arms you would think I owned a cat...or a tiger for that matter.

We have taken to filing them down but we need to get her at just the right time or there is an atomic explosion of high maintenance baby drama. Remember how I said that I don't want to ever hurt Sweet Pea, well confession, I also don't like to see her cry, with those big real tears.

I've tried the whole "biting them off".  She balls her hands up into little fists and makes it impossible to do that.  If I try while she is sleeping, it wakes her up.  The only acceptable time to file seems to be while she is eating, which is a two person job. My husband and I are there on Team No More Scratches trying to file these talons down.  There is sweat dripping from our faces and fear pouring out of our skin....one wrong move and this will all explode.....

The victory we feel when we finish...it's incredible. High fives all around.  I will not have to put her anti-talon mittens on her that night!

And then she wakes up the next morning and I swear we start all over again.  The talons are back...I think they are sharper than the time before.


And sometimes I just think it might be easier to go get those baby nail clippers and as I hold those tiny little things in my hand...the sweat breaks out again.  The warning "Safety 1st" reminds me just how dangerous those are.....

..so I tuck them away and deal with the talons again.

I wonder how they would look painted...


Like Sands Through the Hour Glass......

Last year around this time, I was having a nervous breakdown.  I was counting the days, the hours, the minutes til my 30th birthday!  Each day the cloud of gray over my head grew larger and larger.  I had ONE goal in my life, to be a mother by thirty and as each passing second went by....it became inevitable...it wasn't going to happen.

I did a lot of soul searching during that time.  I didn't know who or what I was anymore.  I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize who I saw.  Years of battling PCOS and infertility had taken its toll on me.  The wear from the worry started to form wrinkles which were hiding behind the packages of cookies I had come to adore.  I spent so much time focusing on 30...turning 30..being 30! It was my mile marker and I had come to pass it ...still childless.

If I wasn't someone's mom...who the hell was I?

You might ask why 30?  It started when I was 21 and got diagnosed with PCOS.  You see, I always planned to have my first child by 25..... I wanted more than ANYTHING to be a "young mom".  Upon hearing this diagnosis, the doctor explained to me how this would affect my fertility and that it could be really hard to have a baby.  The direct quote was (and I will never forget it) "The younger you are the easier it will be for you to get pregnant.  By the age of thirty, it might be impossible".

Enter depression....serious depression....

I began to focus on that and it began to consume me.  I NEEDED a baby.  I sort of zoned it out after awhile....I tried not to think about it.  We weren't married yet...I had time.

Of course looking back and knowing all I know now, it was IMPOSSIBLE for her to tell me that...or to predict that.  She wasn't an infertile fortune teller.  PCOS was still a "new" diagnosis back then....maybe that is generally what was believed...but analyzing the affect those words had on me..They changed my life.

Pretty soon 25 came and went, I got engaged and we were getting married at 26.  That's when I set my sights on 30.  It was SO far away.  I wanted to be done having kids by thirty.  Surely if we tried right away, we could have one or two by then.....30....30....30!

And as the years passed, I felt like I was on a scary ride I didn't want to be on.  The rollercoaster was going too fast.  I watched the clock go in fast circles as the ticking in my ears got louder and louder.  Each day that passed was one day less I had!  The pregnancy announcements got harder and harder to hear.....to the point that they would take my breath away.  I would slip into a deep sadness for days, not understand why this wasn't working for us.  Yet no matter how slow I felt we were moving towards having a baby, the moving sidewalk of time never stopped.

Two years ago, I began to just plead to be pregnant by thirty.  When we started seeing our RE, Dr. Godfather....I had 10 chances.....and as each chance slipped through my finger..the inevitable became clear.  I would NOT be pregnant by my 30th birthday and it really friggen sucked.

So last year, I tried to figure out who I was....what I was meant to be if it wasn't going to be a mom....

And I found after some serious soul searching that I had ACCEPTED it.  I wouldn't ever embrace it...but I accepted it.  I went into the July 2010 cycle as a realist.  This most likely wasn't going to happen for us.  I went through the motions of the cycle.  My follicles were taking forever to grow.  I was just glad I mastered the daily shots.

And on July 23, suddenly, wrapped up in a neat tiny little phone call was the answer to everything I had ever wanted.

We make plans and God laughs.

This year, around the end of May, my mother in law, who was visiting, brought me my birthday presents.  MY BIRTHDAY!?!?  I had been so consumed with Sweet Pea that I swear I honestly forgot it was coming.  Here I sit less than a week away from turning 31 and I am finally a mom.

The ticking has stopped in my ear.

The roller coaster has slowed down and finally let me off.

And although that moving sidewalk might still be going, I have the hand of a little wonder in mine....and as each year passes and time goes on, I might start to wrinkle or get gray hair (OMG!), but my eyes will get to watch this precious baby girl grow and THAT will be the best thing ever!

So from now on, as I blow out my candles, I will no longer have to wish for her...because she is here....I will just take a deep breathe and thank god that, even on his terms, I am forever grateful that I got to be a mom. 


Sweet Pea- The Birth Edition Part Three

Ok so we left off where I had my "bumpy car ride" C-section...puked in my hair....shakes in recovery and FINALLY held Sweet Pea. 

Moving on......

We had a three day stay booked at the hotel...I mean hospital!  This place is BEAUTIFUL!  Each room is private and had a place for my husband to sleep each night.  The wonderful man he is stayed by my side the entire time (I'm sure the fact that I threatened his life if he left me didn't sway his decision AT ALL).  I was so tired the first night.  I don't remember much except holding my baby, the fact that Casey SHOULD have been kicked off American Idol and they used the save...on him, and they finally FINALLY let me have ice chips which instantly became my new favorite food after not eating or drinking ANYTHING for over 24 hours.

Sweet Pea wasn't nursing right away...we tried a couple of times that night...no go.  I was devastated but her health came first so I told them to give her some formula.  YES I told THEM to give her formula (P.S. if you are one of those preaching breastfeeding woman...I don't need to hear your comments...I know what's right for MY child...YOU don't! Thank you..come again!).  People were in and out of my room ALL night checking my temp, blood pressure, the baby etc.

I was to stay in the bed for 24 hours so I had a catheter in.  Let's discuss this shall we...I LOVED having the catheter!!!! After having to pee SO much ALL the time, I found it refreshing to not have to get up to pee for 24 hours!!! LOVE!  The catheter was my friend..until they tried to take it out...I'll get to that in a minute! 

Next morning, we tried breastfeeding again and she latched RIGHT AWAY.  I was pretty stoked (if only I knew the heartache I would deal with over the next few weeks due to low supply).  Our family was finally able to come and see the baby.  I was still bedridden and threatened the life of anyone who took a picture of me with the puke hair and ear!  Visiting hours were from 12-8 (yes that's a LONG time). 

Infertility had sent my modesty right out the window prior to having a baby.  You don't get to have doctors in your candy land at 6 in the morning and be ashamed about it.  However, if infertility hadn't done it...breastfeeding would have.  People just WALK into your room while your baby's dinner is hanging out.  We tried the covers the first few times.  I felt like they were smothering her!  Plus I wanted to see her gorgeous face...so it seemed whenever someone new came into the room...my udder was hanging out!  Oh well...what are you gonna do.....Sigh!

I was finally allowed up after what seemed like forever and was escorted into the bathroom by three nurses...GOOD THING...because I almost went down like a TON of bricks.  All of a sudden I heard a buzzing in my ear and my eyes started to lose sight as my knees started to buckle.  Next thing I know I have smelling salt shoved up my nose.  That stuff is NO joke.  I think I lost some brain cells from that.  Nurse said my blood pressure or something crashed from the surgery.  I was escorted back to bed. 

I was trying to be what I felt was a good mom....I was turning down the pain meds unless I needed them.  This all came to a point after I was forced to get out of bed and had a soap opera type meltdown from the pain.  Suddenly my fabulous C-section wasn't so fabulous anymore.  Lesson learned!!!! Oh and the catheter...the nurse SWORE to me it wouldn't hurt.  I. SAW. STARS!  I heard she didn't inflate the balloon all the way or something.  If I had the strength I would have kicked her in the teeth! 

The last time I had eaten was 8 pm Wednesday night.  I was allowed liquids late Thursday and was kept on liquids until Saturday afternoon....um....WTF?!?!?  We had to call and ask why I was being kept away from food!  The response "Oops..it was an oversight".  Gee Thanks! 

The WORST part of the recovery was the gas pains.  I couldn't even walk and of course that's what they tell you to do.  I tried to take a walk with my mom...who made me laugh and then I cried the whole way back to my room.  AWFUL.  SERIOUSLY  AWFUL! 
We were released on Sunday morning.  I was NOT ready to go home.   It sucked!  Thank god my family was here to help with the baby!  

I feel like I am forgetting to tell you all so much!  

Oh my genius daughter lifted her head up off of my shoulder at the age of 10 hours old.  Yep!  It must have been ALL that milk I drank during the pregnancy!  Milk DOES a baby good!  

Ok so that's where I will leave my birth story.  I am sure there will be many addenda.  I know you are all excited......
........try to sleep tonight though ok? =)