8.20.2011

Ok I Get It ....She's Big!

When I found out I was having a girl, a huge amount of excitement kicked in.   Oh the clothes, the bows, the tiny little feet pedicures, the shopping, the mommy/daughter time.  I have always wanted a girl.   It was truly a dream come true. 

And now some of the fears have kicked in....I am going to have to do THE TALK.  There will be talk of dating and rebelling......and as if the gray hair hasn't started to grow fast enough.....I have a daughter and having a girl in THIS society is tough. 

I am by no means skinny.  I grew up on a diet.  I felt like an amazonian woman in elementary school.  I was much taller than most of the boys were and I was chubby.  This lead to name calling....hurtful name calling.  I became so self conscious of myself starting in second grade! 

As time went on things got worse, people would make comments about my weight ALL THE TIME and they stuck to me like glue creating scars on my soul.

As I got older and hit maturity, I thinned out.....only I didn't see it.  I still saw the girl who was being made fun of and as many of my friends wore clothes I only dreamed of...I wore baggy clothes to cover up my fat...like band-aids hiding and covering up the deep scars of my soul.

So I hid my eating and learned to "pick" in public when I was being judged and binge later.  I wish I had a happy ending here to tell you it's all better....but it's not.  People have still made hurtful comments.  Most of the time in "whispers" as if I don't know or hear what they are saying.  Those comments shock to me to core.  I want to scream "I SEE MYSELF EVERY DAY IN THE MIRROR.   I DON'T NEED YOU TO TELL ME I AM OVERWEIGHT".......however instead that 7 year old little girl inside of me just cries and the 31 year old just eats. 

I'm overweight....that's what I am....and please don't try to sit there and say that most of you haven't just judged me. 

So here I am ....with my daughter. 
With my gorgeous precious daughter who truly is perfect...

..to me.....

The world seems to think she's "big". 

We were out having lunch today and the waitress came over to tell me how gorgeous my daughter is (well because she truly is breathtaking).  I got my proud mama smiles and kept saying thank you as she gushed over the cuteness.  And then it started....I knew where it was going....I have been there so many times in her short life.  "How old is she?"  My response "She will be five months next week".  Insert overacted shocked look and the "Oh my she's big!". 

And from what I noticed once those words come out, people don't stop.  They always feel the need to explain to me WHY they said she's big and then compare her to other babies because obviously...ALL BABIES ARE CREATED EQUAL. 

Today I listened to my waitress compare MY daughter to HER son...."She's much bigger than MY son and he's a month older than her".  "My son was almost ten lbs when he was born." I respond "and so was my daughter".  But then I need to OBVIOUSLY be reassured that my kid is big...because I forgot why we were talking...."She's just much bigger than him".

My mood changes from proud mama to mama bear and I want to maul this woman's eyes out of her head. 

I was in shock, once again as I always am at the audacity of people, as I sat down with my friend.  I was explaining to her how important it is to me that Sweet Pea doesn't grow up with the same hurt I did...no sooner did I get those words out of my mouth, another waitress comes over.  She begins to tell me how beautiful my sweet pea is and like a fly attracted to shit, I hear our waitress say to her "Isn't she big though?". 

SEETHING!

Yes you stupid moron.....my daughter is obviously overweight because I FEED HER COOKIES FOR BREAKFAST.  That wasn't cereal in her bowl...it was cake batter AND her green beans that she has been eating have first been fried and smothered with butter.  Does that make you feel better?!? Does it?!?! 

SHE'S A FRIGGEN BABY! 

The anger always turns to heartbreak as I look into her eyes.  I don't want her to know this world.  I don't want her to know these people exist. 

All my life I have been referred to as "big boned".  I'm built big....my husband is built big.   I think it's pretty inevitable where this is going.....

I will do everything in my power to keep her healthy and eating right.  The little girl inside me will do EVERYTHING to make sure she doesn't know that pain or fear or for one second feel unworthy. 

But in a world that is so fearful of fat, how can I keep her from feeling hurt when I have never been able to shelter myself from it?  

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