Sleep Pea

When it came time to decide what Sweet Pea would sleep in the first couple of months, I was on the fence.  I wanted her to be in the room with us.  Everyone I have ever known had a bassinet...so I set out to find a bassinet....one that would be perfect for my princess. 

What I came across was BLAH, BLECH, AND EW!

I DID find one that I really liked....only to go to Babies R Us and see and touch it.  Yea ya know that song "Rock A Bye Baby" ...I'm pretty sure that unstable cradle in the bough that breaks...that was this...


I needed something PERFECT.  It came to me in the form of a co-sleeper......

 A Cosleeper fit for a princess..... PURE PERFECTION!

Being that our bed is 872,979 feet off the ground, it would never attach and I would never get to "co-sleep" per-say but it made a beautiful little bassinet! 

I truly from the bottom of my unpaid from the company heart LOVE this thing!!!  (Arm's Reach in case you are wondering).

I loved being able to just look over and see her and she has loved opening her eyes and being able to see us.  It's truly a marriage made in mommy heaven. 

And then my sweet baby Sweet Pea had to go and start growing (GRRRR!!!!).  So someone might have mentioned to me once or twice that she was getting to big for it but I mean she really wasn't.   There was still PLENTY of room left.  Her bedroom is on the top floor and its hot as Scottsdale in July up there so she HAD to stay in our room.  Each time someone asked me when she was going to move, I pushed the date back. 


I mean honestly, she could sleep in there until like 1 or 2 right?!!!?  RIGHT?!?!?  I was CONVINCED!!!

Last night, she woke up a numerous amount of times...and in one of my sleep deprived stumbles to her perfect co-sleeper.   I noticed something.  I saw this.....

Buddy The Elf ...What's Your Favorite Color??!

My denial was staring me in the face....Sweet Pea has become the Buddy the Elf of this co-sleeper.....

It's time to move to the crib!!

-Insert MAJOR sad face-

I carried my gorgeous little Buddy the Elf upstairs and laid her in her crib to just TEST it out.  She excitedly looked around and instantly fell in love with her mobile....which if she continues loving I will only have to crank on every THIRTY SECONDS!!!!!! 

And I stepped back, and looked at her as my heart swelled.  I'm not ready for her to grow up and get big....but then I saw this.....


In this huge grown up baby crib, laid my little pea!  In her crib, she looks so tiny.....so small.....

The big move will be over the next week......We have to ease her into this.  She will probably cry a lot.  She might even throw a fit.

(I am totally that "she")

So my delusions started over and I now think she can stay in her crib until at least like 13 or 14 right?!?!?



Ok I Get It ....She's Big!

When I found out I was having a girl, a huge amount of excitement kicked in.   Oh the clothes, the bows, the tiny little feet pedicures, the shopping, the mommy/daughter time.  I have always wanted a girl.   It was truly a dream come true. 

And now some of the fears have kicked in....I am going to have to do THE TALK.  There will be talk of dating and rebelling......and as if the gray hair hasn't started to grow fast enough.....I have a daughter and having a girl in THIS society is tough. 

I am by no means skinny.  I grew up on a diet.  I felt like an amazonian woman in elementary school.  I was much taller than most of the boys were and I was chubby.  This lead to name calling....hurtful name calling.  I became so self conscious of myself starting in second grade! 

As time went on things got worse, people would make comments about my weight ALL THE TIME and they stuck to me like glue creating scars on my soul.

As I got older and hit maturity, I thinned out.....only I didn't see it.  I still saw the girl who was being made fun of and as many of my friends wore clothes I only dreamed of...I wore baggy clothes to cover up my fat...like band-aids hiding and covering up the deep scars of my soul.

So I hid my eating and learned to "pick" in public when I was being judged and binge later.  I wish I had a happy ending here to tell you it's all better....but it's not.  People have still made hurtful comments.  Most of the time in "whispers" as if I don't know or hear what they are saying.  Those comments shock to me to core.  I want to scream "I SEE MYSELF EVERY DAY IN THE MIRROR.   I DON'T NEED YOU TO TELL ME I AM OVERWEIGHT".......however instead that 7 year old little girl inside of me just cries and the 31 year old just eats. 

I'm overweight....that's what I am....and please don't try to sit there and say that most of you haven't just judged me. 

So here I am ....with my daughter. 
With my gorgeous precious daughter who truly is perfect...

..to me.....

The world seems to think she's "big". 

We were out having lunch today and the waitress came over to tell me how gorgeous my daughter is (well because she truly is breathtaking).  I got my proud mama smiles and kept saying thank you as she gushed over the cuteness.  And then it started....I knew where it was going....I have been there so many times in her short life.  "How old is she?"  My response "She will be five months next week".  Insert overacted shocked look and the "Oh my she's big!". 

And from what I noticed once those words come out, people don't stop.  They always feel the need to explain to me WHY they said she's big and then compare her to other babies because obviously...ALL BABIES ARE CREATED EQUAL. 

Today I listened to my waitress compare MY daughter to HER son...."She's much bigger than MY son and he's a month older than her".  "My son was almost ten lbs when he was born." I respond "and so was my daughter".  But then I need to OBVIOUSLY be reassured that my kid is big...because I forgot why we were talking...."She's just much bigger than him".

My mood changes from proud mama to mama bear and I want to maul this woman's eyes out of her head. 

I was in shock, once again as I always am at the audacity of people, as I sat down with my friend.  I was explaining to her how important it is to me that Sweet Pea doesn't grow up with the same hurt I did...no sooner did I get those words out of my mouth, another waitress comes over.  She begins to tell me how beautiful my sweet pea is and like a fly attracted to shit, I hear our waitress say to her "Isn't she big though?". 


Yes you stupid moron.....my daughter is obviously overweight because I FEED HER COOKIES FOR BREAKFAST.  That wasn't cereal in her bowl...it was cake batter AND her green beans that she has been eating have first been fried and smothered with butter.  Does that make you feel better?!? Does it?!?! 


The anger always turns to heartbreak as I look into her eyes.  I don't want her to know this world.  I don't want her to know these people exist. 

All my life I have been referred to as "big boned".  I'm built big....my husband is built big.   I think it's pretty inevitable where this is going.....

I will do everything in my power to keep her healthy and eating right.  The little girl inside me will do EVERYTHING to make sure she doesn't know that pain or fear or for one second feel unworthy. 

But in a world that is so fearful of fat, how can I keep her from feeling hurt when I have never been able to shelter myself from it?  


Sweet Pea...the Inchworm

Sweet Pea has become mobile....well sort of....

She isn't crawling yet per say!   She can't quite figure out that she has to prop herself up to do that!!! Oh but my baby is moving...

She reminds me of this:

Yes that is an inchworm.  My daughter has figured out how to move by doing the worm....

She pushes her bottom up into the air and then pushes off on her feet to propel her forward.  The movements aren't huge yet.  It takes quite a few tries to actually move off her play mat.  But she CAN get OFF the play mat...which honestly scares the hell out of me..she is one step closer to crawling for real and then walking and then running and I have this little tiny fear that once she starts running she will just run to the door after she has packed up all her cute dresses and hair bows and she will say "see you both later FOOLS".  I mean that's totally irrational right? RIGHT?

*deep breath* anyway....what was I saying??!?!

Oh yes...She does the inchworm........................and it's totally friggen cute!!!



Miss Independent

I have never had a baby before...so I didn't know what to expect.  

In my mind I had a vision of this cuddly little chubby baby that just wanted to cuddle and make cooing sounds all day.  When I found out Sweet Pea was a girl, my mind started to wander further into the amounts of dress up we would play...

Me and my cuddly little baby.....

I should have known something different would happen when Sweet Pea proceeded to pick her head up off my shoulders at the age of 18 hours old!  I had a room full of people in amazement!  For me, I didn't know that wasn't normal.  Since that day, I kept hearing about how strong she is....

Strong....That's a great way to describe her.

I gave birth to Miss Independent. 

From the first minute, she continued to surprise us.  She rolled from her tummy onto her back at just 6 weeks old.  She rolled onto her tummy at 3 1/2 months!  And just yesterday, as she was sitting on one of my legs and grasping my hands, she made a motion to stand up....used those little leg muscles and pushed up!! I was grasping onto her...she couldn't have possibly held herself up...but it's just a reminder that it's coming...

I continue to watch my daughter grow every day.  She's doing new things that amaze us.  Things way before "her time" and I am so excited for it  and I love watching her grow. 

But part of me sits and wonders where my little baby is going......I kind of feel cheated out of the cuddly newborn stage at those moments. 

And then there is moments like before....where the world becomes too much for her, where the reality of all she is learning becomes overstimulating, and she cries.  She cries and she looks around.  She's not looking for her toy or her bottle.  She's looking for her mama.....she's looking for me!

In that moment, when the world becomes too much, I can tell the instant comfort she feels when our eyes lock together.  The tears begin to dry up the second my arms wrap her up like a warm blanket and the smile begins to creep across both of our faces. 

I know what she's feeling because watching her grow up gives me the same feeling...where the world becomes too much...where the reality of what she is learning becomes overstimulating but I don't cry.  No, I don't shed any tears until that moment where she nuzzles into my chest for comfort.....for safety....for love

Miss Independent begins to talk to me in her sweet voice and tell me about all the important things in her world and I kiss her head repeatedly.  I watch her tiny little hand grasp mine and sing her sweet songs as she starts to fall asleep. 

In those moments, I know I still have my cuddly little baby....Miss Independent still needs her mama and I take every moment and just soak it in.....

....There will be a day when she cries for something else.....someone else....There will be a day when she no longer wants to nap on her mama, where mama's songs and cuddles don't fix everything!  I'm preparing myself for that day....

..Ok I'm trying to prepare myself for that day.....

I spent my whole life being that Miss Independent and getting myself to this point.......

..I just never knew my heart could so dependently be in someone else's tiny little hands! 


Today's PSA: Baby Socks

Baby socks......public enemy number 1!

Who knew? 

Oh these cute darling little pieces of clothing love to play games.  

First of all, I have found that I have YET to lose one in the laundry.  Apparently the little troll that I have living in my washing machine or dryer doesn't love to eat baby socks.  No, they much rather prefer adult socks....

However, it doesn't matter much if I have both of them when I put them on Sweet Pea because in a matter of what seems like nanoseconds....one of them is gone. 

Seriously?!?  Where the hell do they go?!?!?

I feel like every single time I "notice" her feet.....one or BOTH of her socks are missing.  I then spend time searching for said socks.....always find them in TWO different places....place them back on her feet...only to play the game again VERY shortly! 

The socks are playing hide and seek with me. 

Oh and my darling Sweet Pea is so happy to help those socks be the pain in the ass that they are..... She kicks and kicks and kicks.  Part of me thinks she is getting ready to audition for the Rockette's.....or Michael Flatley Lord of the Dance....."His legs flail around as if independent from his body" (Here's another one of those things that if you understand, we are soulmates!)

I would normally just leave them off.....seems simple enough to do right?  However, I have this voice in my head, or little woman on my shoulder telling me that she should have socks on so her feet don't get cold......come to think of it....that voice sounds a lot like my mom....

SO the thing is ...when I notice the socks are gone...I immediately grab her feet to check and make sure she isn't near hypothermia (yes in the summer). 

Lately, I have taken to pulling her socks up all the way to her knees. My daughter looks all gangster with her shorts and socks up to her knees.  (EAST-SIIIIIIDDDDEEE)  This just prolongs the inevitable.  The socks WILL fall off and I WILL lose them. 

Honestly, in the sock commercial where the dad is dunking his son's feet in the glue to make the socks....I think he has the right idea.  He must have been fed up with years of losing baby socks....I get it man.....I get it!

And don't you think for one second that I even CONSIDERED taping them up....cause I didn't!  No way....not me!  What lunatic would think of taping up their baby's socks??!! *whistles and turns my head around as if to look at everyone else to blame ...but me*

So please attention baby socks companies of the world, let's work together and FIX THIS!   I know tape isn't an option...but velcro perhaps? I don't know...I'm just saying there would be a lot of happier mommies (and grandmommies) if there was SOME way in the name of all that is holy that these socks can stay on our babies little Fred Flintstone feet!

Thank you and Good Night!


An 80's Dream Come True!!!!

I am an 80's child.  Loved the neon colors.....loved the fashions....loved the music.

REALLY loved the music. 

When I was really little....I adored Cyndi Lauper.  Girls Just Wanna Have Fun and all that!

Then as I got a little older, I kinda sorta became obsessed.  I was ALL about New Kids on the Block and Debbie Gibson. 

I was ALMOST positive I was going to marry first, Jonathan Knight (probably worked out for me choosing another New Kid to obsess over....being that Jonathan plays for the other team....which I just found out last night so I am obviously living under a rock!!!!) ...then Joey McIntyre!  And in my pillow case wearing days as a "bride", Debbie Gibson was so going to be my best friend.

It was going to happen.  I mean I was from Staten Island and she was from Long Island. We were both from NEW YORK! I remember being on Long Island driving to my Aunts and SEARCHING for her!  

Debbie Gibson....Madison Square Garden.....My first concert. 

As time passed, my dreams turned to real boys and real friends....and I soon I started listening to early 90's rap and my obsession....like my taste in music.....was obviously gone!  (Oh who am I kidding?!?!  90's rap....AWESOME!!!)

I played the nostalgia card with NKOTB when they toured a few years ago.  I went to the concert....did the "New Kids" dance (and strangely started obsessing over DANNY! WHO REALLY TURNED OUT TO BE THE HOT ONE!!).

And then in April, I saw it....DEBBIE GIBSON AND TIFFANY TOURING?!?!?!?

OMG!!!!!! YES!!!!  PLEASE!!!!!

This brought a whole new level of excitement.   This wasn't just some silly crush I had as a child.  I ADMIRED her...I wanted to be her.....She was supposed to be my best friend! 

Very Very Excited!!!

So the concert was last night...and here is the things I learned as an adult:

1- Some people so obviously still have their bedrooms wallpapered with their Tiger Beat posters.

2- Yes the 80's fashions are coming back....doesn't mean that you can still pull them off!!!!

3- No matter how "in fashion" the 80's are right now...it still looks ridiculous. 

4- EVERYONE at the concert was on their phones...updating their facebook.....like seriously...EVERYONE!

5-The whole group of "Table 9" was at the concert last night (if you get that, I friggen love you!!!!!!!SOUL MATES!!!)

6- Both Debbie Gibson and Tiffany need to fire their stylists and hire me....I would have NEVER let them walk out in some of the things they walked out in!

7- Debbie Gibson is the new "Skinny Bitch" ...move over Bethenny!  Seriously since I saw her in 88 or 89...I think she has eaten one sandwich....ONLY JUST ONE SANDWICH! 

8- Tiffany, I appreciate your attempt at staying current...but please stick to 80's music.  The audience was telling you something when no one was paying attention to you singing your country songs. 

9- I will now be in 20 years of therapy seeing how skinny Debbie Gibson is!  WAY TO MAKE ME FEEL OLD AND BAD ABOUT MYSELF!

10-I have an AMAZING memory when it comes to music.  I still know every song by heart <3

11-My life has come full circle.....I went from dancing when I was 8 and  9 to these songs that I loved...so excited to grow up and get "lost in someone's eyes" to dancing to the SAME songs at 31 years old, as a gift from MY DAUGHTER for Mother's Day...having my heart and soul waiting for me at home.  

The concert was perfect!  I got to be that little girl again.......

But the best part of the night was coming home and realizing that every thing I dreamed about as a little girl was upstairs waiting for me <3