6.09.2011

Like Sands Through the Hour Glass......

Last year around this time, I was having a nervous breakdown.  I was counting the days, the hours, the minutes til my 30th birthday!  Each day the cloud of gray over my head grew larger and larger.  I had ONE goal in my life, to be a mother by thirty and as each passing second went by....it became inevitable...it wasn't going to happen.

I did a lot of soul searching during that time.  I didn't know who or what I was anymore.  I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize who I saw.  Years of battling PCOS and infertility had taken its toll on me.  The wear from the worry started to form wrinkles which were hiding behind the packages of cookies I had come to adore.  I spent so much time focusing on 30...turning 30..being 30! It was my mile marker and I had come to pass it ...still childless.

If I wasn't someone's mom...who the hell was I?

You might ask why 30?  It started when I was 21 and got diagnosed with PCOS.  You see, I always planned to have my first child by 25..... I wanted more than ANYTHING to be a "young mom".  Upon hearing this diagnosis, the doctor explained to me how this would affect my fertility and that it could be really hard to have a baby.  The direct quote was (and I will never forget it) "The younger you are the easier it will be for you to get pregnant.  By the age of thirty, it might be impossible".

Enter depression....serious depression....

I began to focus on that and it began to consume me.  I NEEDED a baby.  I sort of zoned it out after awhile....I tried not to think about it.  We weren't married yet...I had time.

Of course looking back and knowing all I know now, it was IMPOSSIBLE for her to tell me that...or to predict that.  She wasn't an infertile fortune teller.  PCOS was still a "new" diagnosis back then....maybe that is generally what was believed...but analyzing the affect those words had on me..They changed my life.

Pretty soon 25 came and went, I got engaged and we were getting married at 26.  That's when I set my sights on 30.  It was SO far away.  I wanted to be done having kids by thirty.  Surely if we tried right away, we could have one or two by then.....30....30....30!

And as the years passed, I felt like I was on a scary ride I didn't want to be on.  The rollercoaster was going too fast.  I watched the clock go in fast circles as the ticking in my ears got louder and louder.  Each day that passed was one day less I had!  The pregnancy announcements got harder and harder to hear.....to the point that they would take my breath away.  I would slip into a deep sadness for days, not understand why this wasn't working for us.  Yet no matter how slow I felt we were moving towards having a baby, the moving sidewalk of time never stopped.

Two years ago, I began to just plead to be pregnant by thirty.  When we started seeing our RE, Dr. Godfather....I had 10 chances.....and as each chance slipped through my finger..the inevitable became clear.  I would NOT be pregnant by my 30th birthday and it really friggen sucked.

So last year, I tried to figure out who I was....what I was meant to be if it wasn't going to be a mom....

And I found after some serious soul searching that I had ACCEPTED it.  I wouldn't ever embrace it...but I accepted it.  I went into the July 2010 cycle as a realist.  This most likely wasn't going to happen for us.  I went through the motions of the cycle.  My follicles were taking forever to grow.  I was just glad I mastered the daily shots.

And on July 23, suddenly, wrapped up in a neat tiny little phone call was the answer to everything I had ever wanted.

We make plans and God laughs.

This year, around the end of May, my mother in law, who was visiting, brought me my birthday presents.  MY BIRTHDAY!?!?  I had been so consumed with Sweet Pea that I swear I honestly forgot it was coming.  Here I sit less than a week away from turning 31 and I am finally a mom.

The ticking has stopped in my ear.

The roller coaster has slowed down and finally let me off.

And although that moving sidewalk might still be going, I have the hand of a little wonder in mine....and as each year passes and time goes on, I might start to wrinkle or get gray hair (OMG!), but my eyes will get to watch this precious baby girl grow and THAT will be the best thing ever!

So from now on, as I blow out my candles, I will no longer have to wish for her...because she is here....I will just take a deep breathe and thank god that, even on his terms, I am forever grateful that I got to be a mom. 

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