All I Want For Christmas

Before I go into my usual rant...I would like to point out that this is my 300th post! A Holy Crap!

I've always been the type of gal that had Christmas list.

I remember growing up going to my Grandparent's every Sunday for our family dinner and the excitement when that good old J.C. Penney Winter catalog was there.  Oh how we used to spend hours writing down everything we wanted from Santa...including page numbers just so he got it right. 

As I got older, my list naturally became more pricey.  One year I wanted a TV.  Another year, a DVD player.  Then of course, my VERY first designer purse was a gift from Santa.   The older I got.....the higher the price tags seemed to be....

Until I got married and suddenly, my Christmas list was priceless and unattainable

I wanted a baby.   I spent years wishing on every star and blowing out every birthday candle with the same hope.  Every Christmas, we watched other people's babies grow older as I put on my bravest smile hoping that people didn't see the pain I was enduring behind it. 

Christmas morning was always the worst. 

I used to lay and think about all the kids running to the tree and I used to beg and plead with higher powers to let me please hear those pitter patter of tiny feet and squeals of joy.  And for more Christmases than should ever be allowed, the silence was so loud and deafening that I couldn't even hear my heart break further or my empty uterus sighing and my soul telling me "this is definitely the LAST year".  

And then last year...it was. 

I was asked a few times this year what was on my Christmas list.   I am sure everyone waited with bated breath to hear which purse or shoes I wanted or which cool new electronic thing I just HAD to have. 
I won't lie to you all...I gave it some thought. After thinking long and hard about it....my decision was decided.

This year for Christmas I wanted... NOTHING.

This year, all of my wishes came true.  I have the family I have always dreamed of.  On Christmas morning, I will anxiously await my daughter's song letting me know she is awake.  I will run up to her crib and kiss her face like I do every morning as she babbles her "hellos" and "i love yous".  This Christmas, I will bring her down to a living room full of presents from Santa and all her amazing family and friends.  I will be grateful for every second as I watch her tear into her well earned presents and rejoice as I hear the sounds of music and lights come off of her new toys. She will be surrounded and thought about by people that adore her.  For me that's it.....that's the Full Monty.  There is no handbag or pair of shoes that can replace that in my heart. 

Here's the thing....people don't handle it too well when you say you want nothing.  I know I have rolled my eyes a number of times at my dad who often states that.  So I thought about what I could ask for....what could people give me that would mean something....

I thought back to Christmas time last year. A few days before Christmas, I woke up bleeding and was told I had to go to labor and delivery.  I didn't know what the outcome was going to be and I was scared out of my mind.  Obviously everything turned out perfectly but I am fully aware on how many times it doesn't. 

So this Christmas,I asked my husband to make a donation to the March of Dimes in memory of four very special little angels.  I have asked family to do the same. 

I have been blessed with Sweet Pea...it's time to start giving back to others.

P.S. I am in NO WAY judging ANYONE! I am purely talking about MY FEELINGS!! If you have a long wish list, I say "GO GET YOURS" and send me pictures of all your fun new stuff!

P.P.S - I don't want to live a total lie...I also asked for a steam mop.  =)


Santa Spotted....Aisle 13!

You know those houses you go into where they OVERDECORATE.  Christmas stuff is EVERYWHERE and it kinda looks like Santa puked all over. 

Yea...I am that person. 

We moved into this house last year when we found out that I was finally pregnant.  I wasn't too into decorating last year as I felt like a tired cow.   I knew that this year was going to be the BIG one anyway. Sweet Pea's FIRST CHRISTMAS.  So last year, I just allowed myself to lay on the couch and eat Christmas cookies (I won't even tell you what I gained the next month!).  

This year, decorating was so exciting!  I couldn't wait to pull all of our stuff out and to deck them halls with boughs of holly.   We put up the Christmas tree and as expected my little miracle was mesmerized by the lights.  I wanted more.....

We realized we didn't have anything that would work for outside.  We needed to buy something STAT....after all I am a total self proclaimed Christmas light snob. 

We decided to check out that big store that loves to roll back those prices.  I am NOT A FAN of that store.  No disrespect to those that love it, I just simply do not.  To me, every one that I have been to smells like dog food and stale popcorn.  I much prefer that bullseye competitor. 

We decided to go early Sunday and check it out.  I was thrilled that it would be easy in and easy out because they keep their Christmas stuff in the Garden center.  You could imagine my surprise when we went and there was like NOTHING we could use left.....NOTHING.   As I shrugged my shoulders and headed towards the door to the Depot of many Homes...my husband said those words I was dreading "Lemme check something inside".

*sigh* "Ok let's be quick"

We started to walk around and there he was in all his glory.....SANTA....on aisle 13 looking at folding chairs (I guess those elves are getting upgraded from those wooden benches). 

Seriously, there was a man dressed in a full Santa costume.

We had just taken Sweet Pea a few days prior to see Santa..... every chance we get we have been all "SANTA" "SANTA" "SANTA" to get her to learn.

I was able to walk past him and not make eye contact but as I circled around, we were facing each other.  I couldn't avoid it now.   I thought of turning around and trying to escape quickly but he had already started talking to my daughter and all I could squeak was "Look its Santa"

Here was my train of thought:

 With my best force of a smile, I jerked the carriage away and said "Say bye bye to Santa".  I went into the CD section and seriously almost hyperventilated when I realized I left the wipes in the car.  

After what seemed like an eternity (but was really like ten more minutes), we were back in the car where I scrubbed her hands like no other....

After a deep breath, I quickly congratulated myself for not ruining Christmas for other children by tackling Santa and making the evening news. 

Sweet Pea's hand hasn't fallen off yet so I think we are safe......

.....as far as that man....I can only continue to only hope that he worked there...

.....although you never know....He could have been one of those people of ___________.



After years and years of waiting for this moment, I am finally sitting down to do my Christmas cards WITH MY DAUGHTER ON THEM.  This might seem like such a small thing to be so excited about but after dealing with infertility and opening countless cards with other people's babies, it feels like a right of passage to be able to do mine!!


Last year, I went on a crusade to send out the perfect pregnancy Christmas card (why yes...I was THAT person).   You can read that post here!  Shutterfly provided the perfect template for our perfect card. 

Seriously....how cute is that?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?  We got an insane amount of compliments on it and it truly had become my favorite Christmas card EVER....

...until now.....

I spent about five hours perfecting our Christmas card last year and I was pregnant.  This year I have a gorgeous baby girl to show off to the world...so you can easily multiply the time spent last year by two (or ten).  

So I've been looking at Shutterfly's website and they have some great choices.  Honestly I already have one picked in my head.....and it's perfect.....

So maybe this year...it was just a little bit easier to "perfect" it......after all...I have the most perfect baby in the most perfect picture to work with. 

This will be my favorite Christmas EVER!

The Fine Print:
Yes..just like last year, I am doing this blog post as a promotion to Shutterfly in exchange for 25 cards...because honestly let's face it, Christmas cards are not cheap but you can not put a price on perfection....plus I really want to send this card to EVERYONE I have ever met in my life so I will need a whole bunch more!   Every little bit helps (especially since my shopaholic ways are coming out this Christmas..but that is for another blog post). 

 Check out Shutterfly for all your shopping needs....

         Christmas cards  http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/christmas-cards
          calendars              http://www.shutterfly.com/calendars   
          photo gifts             http://www.shutterfly.com/photo-gifts


Back to Dr. Godfather I go...

I guess I had this silly preconceived pre-conceived notion that once I got pregnant, things would just fix in my body.  I mean how many times do we all hear that?  After the "relax and it will happen" and all the other "advice" that we get before getting pregnant happens, when we finally do get there, to that place that we waited for so long, the other advice starts....

"You body will most likely fix itself with the pregnancy and you will be able to conceive naturally after you have the baby".  

I clung to this. 

I don't ever EVER want to sound ungrateful for my beautiful baby girl.  Because trust me, I am fully aware that the sun rises and sets in her smile. I am eternally blessed with this gorgeous baby that will hopefully very shortly call me mama and I was extremely fortunate to be able to carry her myself -full term.  I can honestly tell you from the heart that I stop on a daily basis and thank god for giving me her....for bringing her into my life.  I can also honestly tell you that I do not let ONE moment go by without cherishing it....the laughs....the cries....the tantrums....ALL OF IT!

Here's the thing, I want more children.  I always wanted more than one.  Please don't think for one second that this ever makes me greedy.  Only a mother and father can decide in their own hearts when their family is done. 

So I waited after Sweet Pea's birth with baited breath to see if my body "fixed" itself.  After all we have done to have her, it seemed quite comical to be offered any preventative measures after her birth.  We had always said we would let nature take its course. 

And after three normal cycles, that course of nature stopped months ago. 

Out of exasperation, I tried to avoid the RE.  Yes, I adore Dr. Godfather with all my heart but I truly hoped I would have never had to see him again.  But after a few failed paths, I inevitably have to return. 

I now know my body never fixed itself.  The advice became another quote to add to the myths of trying to conceive. 

I'm not going to lie to you...I am having a tough time with the thought of returning.  That very thought brought me to tears in my OB's office a few weeks ago. 

However, I do believe our family isn't done and although at this point right now, we aren't going for treatments...I am going with the sheer hope that we can put "nature" back on it's course as my husband and I decide when it's right to start the uphill battle for number 2. 


The Girl That Cried "Cough"

My sweet little darling has started a new "thing". 

This is what she does when she wants our attention. 

I'm sure plenty of other babies have ways to get their parents attention.  Some might cry.....Some might yell....

....mine.....well...she coughs. 

I didn't mistype that....she coughs.

Picture you are sitting and having a conversation with your spouse and you hear this over the top dramatic fake cough.  Yep...that's my daughter.

At the age of seven months she is all about the drama.

The first couple of times I am sure I jumped up in a panic.  She wanted attention and she got a very over-reactive worried mama in her face making sure she was ok. 

Then I saw the pattern.......so we tried to ignore it ....

Only Sweet Pea wasn't having any of that.....her "cough" then transformed into a fake "choke" which of course scared the pee out of me the first time she did it.  Once again over-reactive worried mama in her face making sure she was ok. 

After a couple heart attacks of the "fake choking" by both my husband and myself...we decided we needed the lesser of the evils and that happened to be the "fake cough".  

Our sweet little mastermind princess started to do the fake choking thing and we ignored her (after of course we very discreetly made sure she was ok).  Slowly but surely, the "fake cough" returned and we made a BIG deal out of it. 

So that's what she does....when my daughter wants our attention, she fake coughs. 

Sweet Pea will be an Academy Award winner....Mark my words!


My Date With the Paparazzi

I consider myself a pretty safe driver. 

I go the speed limit...or close to it.

I always wear my seatbelt.

I stop when I am supposed to. 

I don't typically have road rage.   

What?   I really don't.  I'm truly not in THAT big of a hurry to get anywhere. 

Yes there are some times that I am in a little bit of a hurry and I get stuck behind Gramps who can barely see over the steering wheel...so much so that when you look in your rearview mirror, all you see are a hat and knuckles.  OR the person that's talking on their cell phone NOT paying attention and slows down because they don't know where they are going.  Yes, these things annoy me...

But for the most part...I am pretty Zen with my driving (the one aspect of my life that I am actually ZEN with).

There is one circumstance that brings out the uncaged female tiger in me....when other people have road rage. 

That's right folks...I have road rage when other people have road rage.   I have road rage rage. 

Tonight, I was on my way home from food shopping.  I was turning left in a very busy intersection. As I pulled up to the intersection, the light started to changed and I STOPPED (OH THE HORROR).  You would think I almost hit an old lady holding a baby and a puppy because the man behind me laid on his horn for a RIDICULOUS amount of time......seriously...like 30 sec!!!  Then I watched him proceed to have what looked like a seizure in his front seat....only he wasn't having a seizure....HE WAS YELLING at me...IN HIS CAR...WITH HIS WINDOWS ROLLED UP.  So actually, that big tough man was yelling at himself (these are youtube type moments).

Guess what buddy...I am NOT speeding through this intersection....I have a baby at home!  How do I know the other cars won't jump the light?!?!   Not a chance I am taking!

I looked back at him and all I saw was RED.....I GOT SO ANGRY!!!! I pictured getting out of my car and going all FIGHT CLUB on his ass. 

When the light turned green, I started to turn.....he cut me off on the right and as he was passing and giving me that look, I began waving at him like I knew him.  For one brief second, I could tell I startled him and he instantly tried to scan his memory to see if we knew each other....and after he decided he didn't he took his car and swerved it into my lane....LIKE A MATURE ADULT. 

My favorite part of this story....his license plate said "NYP"....NEW YORK PRESS. 

So this was my dangerous run in with the PAPARAZZI! 

Seriously...who wants my autograph?!?!


You Can Call Me "Chef Mommy"

 I decided I was going to be all "Martha Mommy Stewart" and make baby food.  

Sweet Pea has been eating baby food now for almost three months.  At first, the insane fear of a food allergy consumed my life. I spaced each new food out FIVE DAYS and would spend time at EVERY diaper change searching for a tell-tale food allergy rash. 

You could imagine my surprise when that rash came.  I FREAKED out.  Was certain that I would be reading ALL food labels in my future to make sure ALL foods she ate didn't contain green beans.  We rushed to the doctor only to be told it Sweet Pea has sensitive skin and that it was contact dermatitis. 

Well this placed a HUGE DAMPER in my time spent searching for the tell tale food allergy rash.....

We survived...all the cereals....all the first veggies and all the first fruits......with no allergies (Thank you JESUS!).

After I seriously and severely calmed down, I began to want to make baby food.   There was so much that didn't come in the form of baby food that I wanted her to experience.   I found an amazing website (wholesomebabyfood.momtastic.com) and read lots and lots about it.

Yes I am the one who burned crock pot soup.....

Yes I am the one who DESTROYED a recipe by not adding JUST the RIND....I thought the white stuff was the rind  too.....

What can I say....My mother's favorite thing to make for dinner was reservations. (LOVE YOU MOM)   I am not even kidding you when I say that we used to get a Christmas card from our Chinese food delivery place....and one year they sent cookies....not just almond or fortune cookies....a HUGE TRAY OF  COOKIES.  Looking back now I like to think that we were just investing in their children's college funds.

Anyway....to say I was nervous was an understatement.

However, I put on my apron and started to buy some fruit and veggies.   

Only I didn't know how much to buy.....

So I bought a lot ...because I mean obviously I am feeding a team of hungry baby linebackers. 

You would not BELIEVE the amount of baby food ONE butternut squash makes.....now times that by three. 

We are probably set on baby food until she at least turns 21......

In my panicked state of not wanting to waste any of it, I started to think of ways to use it all.

Here is what I have come up with:
1- Start a "baby food" diet.....Didn't Jennifer Aniston totally do something like that?!?!
2- Use the baby food as ice cubes in our drinks.
3- Save the baby food for Thanksgiving and serve that as dinner with the Turkey.
4- Defrost the baby food cubes and serve as a soup on Thanksgiving.
5- Hand out a few cubes to the Trick or Treaters on Halloween
6- Develop new cocktails.....Butternut Squash Beer or Green Bean Gin and Tonic

Regardless, I AM enjoying making the baby food for her.....

So when she turns 21, I will have to make some more!


Me....In Concert

For as long as I can remember, I've had this little secret. 

I LOVE to listen to music while I am taking a shower and getting ready. This shouldn't be a big surprise.  A lot of people do .....that's why they invented that nifty shower radio right?!?!  I never had one of those by the way....so before the IPOD, I had to drag my big boom box music player into the bathroom with me!

Speaking of before the IPOD....There was a couple choices for music.....the radio or the cassette tape (or later the CD).  I happened to ALWAYS shower during commercial breaks on the radio!!! I was a walking advertisement for V.I.M Jeans and Club Hunka Bunka (in Sayerville.....NY/NJ reference). So I would bring my cassette tapes in.   There was nothing like listening to side A of the cassette tape and then having to flip it over to side b.  CD's eliminated that but seriously with the exception of a very few albums...who listened to EVERY SONG?!? (Mariah Carey's Music Box, Janet Jackson's Janet, Christina Aguilera's Stripped).  I used to make mixed cd's (the evolution of a mixed tape)....which definitely worked...but GOOD LORD, god bless APPLE!!!

Anyway....where was I?!?   Oh yes....I love music while I am showering.   But that my friends isn't my secret. 

My secret is that I pretend I am performing while getting ready.   Yep there it is...I am putting it out there.  I conduct my own concerts and act out my own music videos (where I both sing AND dance) in my bathroom.

Ok fine...it's not just in the bathroom....I do it in the kitchen too...while I am cooking....

For so long, I had no audience.  I would have LOVED to do that for a living and end up on American Idol or something but I was considerate enough to save your ear drums (YOU ARE WELCOME).

So yesterday, my hubby was working later than normal and I had to get dinner going.  I decided to put Sweet Pea in her high chair with some toys and get to work.  She was all settled in having a blast....so I put on Pandora and started breading those chicken cutlets.

Two songs in and one of my FAVES to "perform" to came on.

Madonna "Material Girl"  and somewhere among the bread crumbs and the frying pan....I "forgot" I had company.  I turned to see my precious little daughter smiling at her mama and  giggling.

There it was.....my first audience.  And just like when I am dancing in my bathroom, pretending to be "in concert", my audience was captivated and mesmerized.

Midway through the song, Sweet Pea started shrieking.  I like to think she was trying to sing along, instead of begging me to be quiet.

One day this will be embarrassing to her.....One day she might roll her eyes at my performances....but right now, she loves it....

Seeing that smile and hearing that laugh is priceless.

Better go practice some new material. 


It's That Time Of Year Again

I am SO sorry that I have totally sucked at posting on here lately.

I have been in the trenches of wife hell!

My dear Sweet Pea is teething something fierce and she is NOT a quiet teether....

AND my strong herculean husband has hurt his back at work....

The full body exhaustion that I have been feeling is CRAY-CRAY (YES I went there! I just need to point out how much I HATE when people say that...so I thought I would annoy you with it also).

Anyway....what is new? 

Oh yes, the process of moving Sweet Pea to her crib has officially been halted after she face-planted right into one of the bars like FIVE minutes after I placed her in there.  She was screaming and I just decided that for RIGHT NOW she is totally better being the Buddy The Elf of her co-sleeper. 

(I'll try again soon.....k?)

Also we are getting into THAT time of the year.

My FAVORITE time of the year.

FALL (especially Halloween to Christmas)

I use to spend the time leading up to the holidays reminding myself that it was probably going to be the LAST time I would have to spend THAT holiday without a baby.  

I did that for four years.

Now the fact that Sweet Pea will be experiencing all this FUN stuff with me is AMAZEBALLS (yes...I went there again....).

We plan on starting the FUN TIME of year festivities by going Apple Picking this weekend.  Let's just talk about HOW excited I am about this.   Sweet Pea is grabbing EVERYTHING now and I can not wait to see her grabbing for some apples (that I totally plan on using to make some yummy apple recipes...another thing I LOVE!!).

I am just so insanely in love with my daughter and can not wait to see this time of year through her eyes!!!



A Simple Twist of Fate

I often think back to when I joined Twitter and I laugh. 

It is INSANE how much that social media site has changed my life. 

I had always been a huge believer in "Everything happens for a reason"...and I often think of the series of events that led me to this point. 

My husband got offered a job back East so we moved.  I reconnected with an old high school friend who pretty much introduced me to and got me hooked on Twitter.   I started to connect with lots of people like me who were struggling with fertility issues too.  This gave me an outlet.  This allowed me to reach out to people who understood.   This made me send a tweet to a guy who was from New Jersey who had fertility issues too. 

That tweet changed my life. 

Kenny and I tweeted back and forth about our RE's and our procedures.  We were going the IUI route while he and his wife were doing IVF.  I thank the lucky stars the day he got Jessica to join Twitter. 

My husband and I were struggling to come to terms with the fact that our RE recommended injections and we didn't have insurance for them and we couldn't afford the absurd amount of money they cost.  So we floated from month to month trying to figure it out....feeling frustrated and stuck. 

We never asked for their help and yet they offered it.  To me, that is a sign of an amazing person.  They offered us, two strangers, their unused medications.  The medications we couldn't afford....the medications that were thousands of dollars. 

The gesture was mind-blowing. 

The medicine worked the first time. 

To say we will NEVER be able to repay them is an understatement.  The stars aligned for Sweet Pea because of that tweet....because of Jessica and Kenny.

The true beauty of this all (besides both of our gorgeous daughters) is the friendship I have developed with Jessica.

I think our souls just clicked. 

I stepped out of my comfort zone and attended her baby shower where I knew NO ONE because I simply couldn't imagine not being there.  And in her true fashion, she made sure I wasn't uncomfortable..that I had someone to sit with and talk to.  I enjoyed every moment of that shower. 

And her sweet little baby girl....that I have been following since she was merely just cells in her momma's tummy.  I have loved watching her grow and seeing her play with my daughter. 

I can't wait for the future memories with our girls.

Jessica has become an amazing confidant, a huge supporter, and a best friend.  

Jessica and Kenny have changed our lives.

They have become a part of our family. 

So to my dearest friend....on her birthday (which isn't until technically the morning)....I know that you will truly have all the best in life because you deserve nothing less.  An amazingly beautiful person on the inside and out that has helped me out of my darkness, helped me fulfill a life long dream, and help me to be able to smile again...to truly laugh again....to finally be whole!

I love you girlie!!! Have a very happy birthday!!!! xoxoxoxoxo

P.S. Shoot over to twitter and tell @azoosbeyotch HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!

P.P.S You should totally follow her and Kenny @infertilitynme...THEY REALLY ROCK!!!!


Teething....OH DEAR LORD!

As if Sweet Pea having to get older and bigger wasn't hard enough on me....now it seems she is having to go and get  teeth...

However this teething thing isn't just hard on my emotional mama soul.....nope these bastards we lovingly refer to as teeth are wreaking HAVOC on my poor little sweet girl.  

I'll admit I was totally in teething denial (as I am with most of the getting older stuff with my daughter).  It wasn't until the first experience with the blood curdling screaming that I finally gave in and admitted it.  Apparently, my daughter and her screams are in business to wake the dead.......*there's another gray hair*

For the past three or four nights, my sweet baby SCREAMS AND SCREAMS and just when you think it's over....she SCREAMS some more. 

The first night I am all super mom.....I'm thinking "Ok I got this...I have been prepared for this" With lightning fast speed I run up the stairs...grab the orajel I ALREADY bought (WITH A COUPON!!!)...run back downstairs and put the orajel on my baby's gums.  Intense crying for a minute followed by a smiling cooing baby with tears drying on her cheeks!  

I conquered that shit! 

The next night, the screaming was louder.  Took longer to calm her down....but we did!!!  My hair might have looked like a hurricane blew through and my eyeliner might have been down to my chin....but I did it!

Tonight.....Oh! My! God! Tonight...... tonight was the worst screaming EVER!  My supermom cape was ripped to shreds by these bastards, the teeth! Tonight, as my daughter screamed the worst sound I have ever heard, I joined her in crying. Standing in the living room, I clung onto her and we both sobbed.  In crept that bitch, also known as Mother's Guilt because I couldn't fix it.   The orajel wasn't working.....the tylenol didn't work that fast and I was helpless.  We were both completely helpless.   WORST FEELING EVER!!

I assume by tomorrow my husband will try with his Superdad cape on as I sit in the corner in fetal position rocking and screaming  "Make it stop!!! Make it stop!!!"

I believe when they said that you should use whiskey when teething...that they meant that was for the parents....

I'd like you to meet my new best friends....Jack and Jim....

Actually...I'm pretty sure the nursery rhyme Jack and Jill was written for Jack and Jim....

Jack and Jim said on a whim "Drink us like it's water"
while the teeth are underneath the gums of your miserable daughter!


I am hereby declaring WAR on these bastards, the teeth and their punk ass leader, Front Left Bottom Tooth!

I will not let these tiny little jackasses win!   Once we get the leader out, I'll be ready to take the whole gang down!

I fear this will be a lengthy battle.....*Can I get a hair dye sponsor or something?!?!???*

We will be victorious in the end!   My daughter will have those pearly whites to add to her already beautiful smile and I guess all of this will seem like a thing of the past....

That is until they start falling out....

......and I smash every single one of those bastards with a mallet!


Sleep Pea

When it came time to decide what Sweet Pea would sleep in the first couple of months, I was on the fence.  I wanted her to be in the room with us.  Everyone I have ever known had a bassinet...so I set out to find a bassinet....one that would be perfect for my princess. 

What I came across was BLAH, BLECH, AND EW!

I DID find one that I really liked....only to go to Babies R Us and see and touch it.  Yea ya know that song "Rock A Bye Baby" ...I'm pretty sure that unstable cradle in the bough that breaks...that was this...


I needed something PERFECT.  It came to me in the form of a co-sleeper......

 A Cosleeper fit for a princess..... PURE PERFECTION!

Being that our bed is 872,979 feet off the ground, it would never attach and I would never get to "co-sleep" per-say but it made a beautiful little bassinet! 

I truly from the bottom of my unpaid from the company heart LOVE this thing!!!  (Arm's Reach in case you are wondering).

I loved being able to just look over and see her and she has loved opening her eyes and being able to see us.  It's truly a marriage made in mommy heaven. 

And then my sweet baby Sweet Pea had to go and start growing (GRRRR!!!!).  So someone might have mentioned to me once or twice that she was getting to big for it but I mean she really wasn't.   There was still PLENTY of room left.  Her bedroom is on the top floor and its hot as Scottsdale in July up there so she HAD to stay in our room.  Each time someone asked me when she was going to move, I pushed the date back. 


I mean honestly, she could sleep in there until like 1 or 2 right?!!!?  RIGHT?!?!?  I was CONVINCED!!!

Last night, she woke up a numerous amount of times...and in one of my sleep deprived stumbles to her perfect co-sleeper.   I noticed something.  I saw this.....

Buddy The Elf ...What's Your Favorite Color??!

My denial was staring me in the face....Sweet Pea has become the Buddy the Elf of this co-sleeper.....

It's time to move to the crib!!

-Insert MAJOR sad face-

I carried my gorgeous little Buddy the Elf upstairs and laid her in her crib to just TEST it out.  She excitedly looked around and instantly fell in love with her mobile....which if she continues loving I will only have to crank on every THIRTY SECONDS!!!!!! 

And I stepped back, and looked at her as my heart swelled.  I'm not ready for her to grow up and get big....but then I saw this.....


In this huge grown up baby crib, laid my little pea!  In her crib, she looks so tiny.....so small.....

The big move will be over the next week......We have to ease her into this.  She will probably cry a lot.  She might even throw a fit.

(I am totally that "she")

So my delusions started over and I now think she can stay in her crib until at least like 13 or 14 right?!?!?



Ok I Get It ....She's Big!

When I found out I was having a girl, a huge amount of excitement kicked in.   Oh the clothes, the bows, the tiny little feet pedicures, the shopping, the mommy/daughter time.  I have always wanted a girl.   It was truly a dream come true. 

And now some of the fears have kicked in....I am going to have to do THE TALK.  There will be talk of dating and rebelling......and as if the gray hair hasn't started to grow fast enough.....I have a daughter and having a girl in THIS society is tough. 

I am by no means skinny.  I grew up on a diet.  I felt like an amazonian woman in elementary school.  I was much taller than most of the boys were and I was chubby.  This lead to name calling....hurtful name calling.  I became so self conscious of myself starting in second grade! 

As time went on things got worse, people would make comments about my weight ALL THE TIME and they stuck to me like glue creating scars on my soul.

As I got older and hit maturity, I thinned out.....only I didn't see it.  I still saw the girl who was being made fun of and as many of my friends wore clothes I only dreamed of...I wore baggy clothes to cover up my fat...like band-aids hiding and covering up the deep scars of my soul.

So I hid my eating and learned to "pick" in public when I was being judged and binge later.  I wish I had a happy ending here to tell you it's all better....but it's not.  People have still made hurtful comments.  Most of the time in "whispers" as if I don't know or hear what they are saying.  Those comments shock to me to core.  I want to scream "I SEE MYSELF EVERY DAY IN THE MIRROR.   I DON'T NEED YOU TO TELL ME I AM OVERWEIGHT".......however instead that 7 year old little girl inside of me just cries and the 31 year old just eats. 

I'm overweight....that's what I am....and please don't try to sit there and say that most of you haven't just judged me. 

So here I am ....with my daughter. 
With my gorgeous precious daughter who truly is perfect...

..to me.....

The world seems to think she's "big". 

We were out having lunch today and the waitress came over to tell me how gorgeous my daughter is (well because she truly is breathtaking).  I got my proud mama smiles and kept saying thank you as she gushed over the cuteness.  And then it started....I knew where it was going....I have been there so many times in her short life.  "How old is she?"  My response "She will be five months next week".  Insert overacted shocked look and the "Oh my she's big!". 

And from what I noticed once those words come out, people don't stop.  They always feel the need to explain to me WHY they said she's big and then compare her to other babies because obviously...ALL BABIES ARE CREATED EQUAL. 

Today I listened to my waitress compare MY daughter to HER son...."She's much bigger than MY son and he's a month older than her".  "My son was almost ten lbs when he was born." I respond "and so was my daughter".  But then I need to OBVIOUSLY be reassured that my kid is big...because I forgot why we were talking...."She's just much bigger than him".

My mood changes from proud mama to mama bear and I want to maul this woman's eyes out of her head. 

I was in shock, once again as I always am at the audacity of people, as I sat down with my friend.  I was explaining to her how important it is to me that Sweet Pea doesn't grow up with the same hurt I did...no sooner did I get those words out of my mouth, another waitress comes over.  She begins to tell me how beautiful my sweet pea is and like a fly attracted to shit, I hear our waitress say to her "Isn't she big though?". 


Yes you stupid moron.....my daughter is obviously overweight because I FEED HER COOKIES FOR BREAKFAST.  That wasn't cereal in her bowl...it was cake batter AND her green beans that she has been eating have first been fried and smothered with butter.  Does that make you feel better?!? Does it?!?! 


The anger always turns to heartbreak as I look into her eyes.  I don't want her to know this world.  I don't want her to know these people exist. 

All my life I have been referred to as "big boned".  I'm built big....my husband is built big.   I think it's pretty inevitable where this is going.....

I will do everything in my power to keep her healthy and eating right.  The little girl inside me will do EVERYTHING to make sure she doesn't know that pain or fear or for one second feel unworthy. 

But in a world that is so fearful of fat, how can I keep her from feeling hurt when I have never been able to shelter myself from it?  


Sweet Pea...the Inchworm

Sweet Pea has become mobile....well sort of....

She isn't crawling yet per say!   She can't quite figure out that she has to prop herself up to do that!!! Oh but my baby is moving...

She reminds me of this:

Yes that is an inchworm.  My daughter has figured out how to move by doing the worm....

She pushes her bottom up into the air and then pushes off on her feet to propel her forward.  The movements aren't huge yet.  It takes quite a few tries to actually move off her play mat.  But she CAN get OFF the play mat...which honestly scares the hell out of me..she is one step closer to crawling for real and then walking and then running and I have this little tiny fear that once she starts running she will just run to the door after she has packed up all her cute dresses and hair bows and she will say "see you both later FOOLS".  I mean that's totally irrational right? RIGHT?

*deep breath* anyway....what was I saying??!?!

Oh yes...She does the inchworm........................and it's totally friggen cute!!!



Miss Independent

I have never had a baby before...so I didn't know what to expect.  

In my mind I had a vision of this cuddly little chubby baby that just wanted to cuddle and make cooing sounds all day.  When I found out Sweet Pea was a girl, my mind started to wander further into the amounts of dress up we would play...

Me and my cuddly little baby.....

I should have known something different would happen when Sweet Pea proceeded to pick her head up off my shoulders at the age of 18 hours old!  I had a room full of people in amazement!  For me, I didn't know that wasn't normal.  Since that day, I kept hearing about how strong she is....

Strong....That's a great way to describe her.

I gave birth to Miss Independent. 

From the first minute, she continued to surprise us.  She rolled from her tummy onto her back at just 6 weeks old.  She rolled onto her tummy at 3 1/2 months!  And just yesterday, as she was sitting on one of my legs and grasping my hands, she made a motion to stand up....used those little leg muscles and pushed up!! I was grasping onto her...she couldn't have possibly held herself up...but it's just a reminder that it's coming...

I continue to watch my daughter grow every day.  She's doing new things that amaze us.  Things way before "her time" and I am so excited for it  and I love watching her grow. 

But part of me sits and wonders where my little baby is going......I kind of feel cheated out of the cuddly newborn stage at those moments. 

And then there is moments like before....where the world becomes too much for her, where the reality of all she is learning becomes overstimulating, and she cries.  She cries and she looks around.  She's not looking for her toy or her bottle.  She's looking for her mama.....she's looking for me!

In that moment, when the world becomes too much, I can tell the instant comfort she feels when our eyes lock together.  The tears begin to dry up the second my arms wrap her up like a warm blanket and the smile begins to creep across both of our faces. 

I know what she's feeling because watching her grow up gives me the same feeling...where the world becomes too much...where the reality of what she is learning becomes overstimulating but I don't cry.  No, I don't shed any tears until that moment where she nuzzles into my chest for comfort.....for safety....for love

Miss Independent begins to talk to me in her sweet voice and tell me about all the important things in her world and I kiss her head repeatedly.  I watch her tiny little hand grasp mine and sing her sweet songs as she starts to fall asleep. 

In those moments, I know I still have my cuddly little baby....Miss Independent still needs her mama and I take every moment and just soak it in.....

....There will be a day when she cries for something else.....someone else....There will be a day when she no longer wants to nap on her mama, where mama's songs and cuddles don't fix everything!  I'm preparing myself for that day....

..Ok I'm trying to prepare myself for that day.....

I spent my whole life being that Miss Independent and getting myself to this point.......

..I just never knew my heart could so dependently be in someone else's tiny little hands! 


Today's PSA: Baby Socks

Baby socks......public enemy number 1!

Who knew? 

Oh these cute darling little pieces of clothing love to play games.  

First of all, I have found that I have YET to lose one in the laundry.  Apparently the little troll that I have living in my washing machine or dryer doesn't love to eat baby socks.  No, they much rather prefer adult socks....

However, it doesn't matter much if I have both of them when I put them on Sweet Pea because in a matter of what seems like nanoseconds....one of them is gone. 

Seriously?!?  Where the hell do they go?!?!?

I feel like every single time I "notice" her feet.....one or BOTH of her socks are missing.  I then spend time searching for said socks.....always find them in TWO different places....place them back on her feet...only to play the game again VERY shortly! 

The socks are playing hide and seek with me. 

Oh and my darling Sweet Pea is so happy to help those socks be the pain in the ass that they are..... She kicks and kicks and kicks.  Part of me thinks she is getting ready to audition for the Rockette's.....or Michael Flatley Lord of the Dance....."His legs flail around as if independent from his body" (Here's another one of those things that if you understand, we are soulmates!)

I would normally just leave them off.....seems simple enough to do right?  However, I have this voice in my head, or little woman on my shoulder telling me that she should have socks on so her feet don't get cold......come to think of it....that voice sounds a lot like my mom....

SO the thing is ...when I notice the socks are gone...I immediately grab her feet to check and make sure she isn't near hypothermia (yes in the summer). 

Lately, I have taken to pulling her socks up all the way to her knees. My daughter looks all gangster with her shorts and socks up to her knees.  (EAST-SIIIIIIDDDDEEE)  This just prolongs the inevitable.  The socks WILL fall off and I WILL lose them. 

Honestly, in the sock commercial where the dad is dunking his son's feet in the glue to make the socks....I think he has the right idea.  He must have been fed up with years of losing baby socks....I get it man.....I get it!

And don't you think for one second that I even CONSIDERED taping them up....cause I didn't!  No way....not me!  What lunatic would think of taping up their baby's socks??!! *whistles and turns my head around as if to look at everyone else to blame ...but me*

So please attention baby socks companies of the world, let's work together and FIX THIS!   I know tape isn't an option...but velcro perhaps? I don't know...I'm just saying there would be a lot of happier mommies (and grandmommies) if there was SOME way in the name of all that is holy that these socks can stay on our babies little Fred Flintstone feet!

Thank you and Good Night!


An 80's Dream Come True!!!!

I am an 80's child.  Loved the neon colors.....loved the fashions....loved the music.

REALLY loved the music. 

When I was really little....I adored Cyndi Lauper.  Girls Just Wanna Have Fun and all that!

Then as I got a little older, I kinda sorta became obsessed.  I was ALL about New Kids on the Block and Debbie Gibson. 

I was ALMOST positive I was going to marry first, Jonathan Knight (probably worked out for me choosing another New Kid to obsess over....being that Jonathan plays for the other team....which I just found out last night so I am obviously living under a rock!!!!) ...then Joey McIntyre!  And in my pillow case wearing days as a "bride", Debbie Gibson was so going to be my best friend.

It was going to happen.  I mean I was from Staten Island and she was from Long Island. We were both from NEW YORK! I remember being on Long Island driving to my Aunts and SEARCHING for her!  

Debbie Gibson....Madison Square Garden.....My first concert. 

As time passed, my dreams turned to real boys and real friends....and I soon I started listening to early 90's rap and my obsession....like my taste in music.....was obviously gone!  (Oh who am I kidding?!?!  90's rap....AWESOME!!!)

I played the nostalgia card with NKOTB when they toured a few years ago.  I went to the concert....did the "New Kids" dance (and strangely started obsessing over DANNY! WHO REALLY TURNED OUT TO BE THE HOT ONE!!).

And then in April, I saw it....DEBBIE GIBSON AND TIFFANY TOURING?!?!?!?

OMG!!!!!! YES!!!!  PLEASE!!!!!

This brought a whole new level of excitement.   This wasn't just some silly crush I had as a child.  I ADMIRED her...I wanted to be her.....She was supposed to be my best friend! 

Very Very Excited!!!

So the concert was last night...and here is the things I learned as an adult:

1- Some people so obviously still have their bedrooms wallpapered with their Tiger Beat posters.

2- Yes the 80's fashions are coming back....doesn't mean that you can still pull them off!!!!

3- No matter how "in fashion" the 80's are right now...it still looks ridiculous. 

4- EVERYONE at the concert was on their phones...updating their facebook.....like seriously...EVERYONE!

5-The whole group of "Table 9" was at the concert last night (if you get that, I friggen love you!!!!!!!SOUL MATES!!!)

6- Both Debbie Gibson and Tiffany need to fire their stylists and hire me....I would have NEVER let them walk out in some of the things they walked out in!

7- Debbie Gibson is the new "Skinny Bitch" ...move over Bethenny!  Seriously since I saw her in 88 or 89...I think she has eaten one sandwich....ONLY JUST ONE SANDWICH! 

8- Tiffany, I appreciate your attempt at staying current...but please stick to 80's music.  The audience was telling you something when no one was paying attention to you singing your country songs. 

9- I will now be in 20 years of therapy seeing how skinny Debbie Gibson is!  WAY TO MAKE ME FEEL OLD AND BAD ABOUT MYSELF!

10-I have an AMAZING memory when it comes to music.  I still know every song by heart <3

11-My life has come full circle.....I went from dancing when I was 8 and  9 to these songs that I loved...so excited to grow up and get "lost in someone's eyes" to dancing to the SAME songs at 31 years old, as a gift from MY DAUGHTER for Mother's Day...having my heart and soul waiting for me at home.  

The concert was perfect!  I got to be that little girl again.......

But the best part of the night was coming home and realizing that every thing I dreamed about as a little girl was upstairs waiting for me <3


Sweet Pea Is A Rolling Stone


This...I did not expect!
This.....I was not prepared for!
This...............scares the crap out of me for crawling and walking!!!!!

That's right folks....my little sweet pea figured out the tough stuff....she rolled from back to tummy....BEFORE four months!!!!

Should I have been surprised?  Probably not.  She picked her head up at about 15 hours old and rolled from tummy to back at 6 weeks.   Progression of things...this is probably logical. 

I blame Father Time...that bastard.

I remember not too long ago my husband asked when she would do that.  My response "probably like six months" and we both exhaled a huge sigh of relief.

My daughter is already keeping us on our toes!!!!

You see it all started about a week ago when we were having family cuddle time and she rolled over in the bed.  I thought to myself "oh what a cute little trick!  There is NO way she could do that again!  No way!  As a matter of fact, I am almost CERTAIN that my body made a slope on the mattress for her (THANK YOU COOKIES!!!) and that's why it was so easy".  

And I moved on (and ate less cookies).

Then a night or two later, she did it in her sleep.  NO WAY! FLUKE!!!!!

Then the real test, I put her in her pack and play for ONE MINUTE so I could pee.  I come out and she is on her stomach....WTF?!?!?!??  

And it has been non stop ever since......she is flopping around so much that I have learned a new emotion at night


My sweet pea loves to sleep face down on the mattress.  For a few nights, my husband and I were seriously  taking turns watching her!    Then we bought the ANGEL CARE


It is so obviously called Angel Care because you can finally sleep enough that you hear angels singing in the morning!!!  

So this is it folks...our new way of life.  I have a roller who is now four months old. 

Um...attention Father Time, if you even THINK about making her crawl soon.....I'm coming after you!  If you think Mother Nature  is a bitch....you just wait.....Hell hath no fury like a momma who isn't ready for her daughter to do "big girl" type stuff yet!


What a Difference a Year Makes!

One year ago today, I ignored an important phone call. 

One year ago today, I waited ten minutes before listening to the message. 

One year ago today, I had to listen to that message twice. 

One year ago today, my life changed forever!

One year ago today, for the first time EVER, I found out I was pregnant!

365 days of being with her.

365 days of wondering what I ever did without her...how I ever functioned before her!

365 days of her getting to know me inside and out.

365 days of love....the kind that takes your breath away.....makes you believe in eternal happiness....

365 days of the kind of love that makes you a better person. 

I spent 10,996 days of my life without her....now I don't think I'd ever be able to spend a minute that way. 

I love you my baby Sweet Pea <3


I am human.

I have emotions.

I have a hard shell on the outside....but inside I am just mush. 

I love big and fight big.  This is what comes along with having a HUGE passionate heart. 

I am outspoken....


....and as my husband can attest to...at times relentless!

I'm protective of my loved ones (as most of us are).  I would do ANYTHING for my close family and friends. 

Over time, I have learned that sharing blood with someone doesn't make you a family. 

I've also learned that having no relation doesn't mean you aren't family!

I am tired of feeling hurt, rejected, ignored!

I have come to realize that the only people I want in my life and my daughter's life are those who want and need us in theirs. 

It's truly that simple!


Sunday Dinner

Each and every Sunday growing up, my family would pack into the car and head into Brooklyn.  Each and every Sunday, we would leave later than we were supposed to...stop at the delicious bakery for pastries...and sit in Sunday traffic.  Each and every Sunday my parents discussed how they would blame traffic for us being late...

Each and every Sunday, we went to Grandma and Grandpa's house.  

Being at my grandparents wasn't particularly fun.  Yes my older cousin was there but we were POLAR opposites.  She was the tom-boy who played sports...I was the girl in the skirts who didn't like to be dirty.  There was never ANY good TV on....as a matter of fact..nothing will give me chills faster now than the theme of MASH! 

The adults always sat around laughing, while us kids were trying to fend for ourselves trying to find something to do.  We played cards and bounced a blue ball in the hall at each other for what felt like HOURS!  We would sit on the stoop...anything just to keep busy...anything to waste the time to dinner...

On the way home, I remember having to listen to 70's disco flashback night and thinking that I wanted to rip my ears off my head.  My mom often had to stop at the deli and I remember a faint fragrance of bologna and ham as she purchased the meat for our sandwiches for the school week. 

As a child, Sunday's at Grandma's were dreaded.

When I decided that I was moving away for college, I wanted to go far.  I knew if I didn't leave NY then...I wouldn't and at 18, I felt the need to do something BIGGER.  Our Sunday dinners had ended a year before when my grandparents decided to move to Arizona.  I decided to go with them.  I attended college and was fortunate enough to live with my grandparents.  It was like Sunday dinner every night...except my parents were missing, my siblings were missing, my aunt and uncle and my cousin were all missing. 

Two years later, my parents made the big jump and joined us in Arizona with my sister and brother.  We were basically all together again.  I was able to respect my family now as a young adult, not view them as an embarrassing burden to a teenager. I came to LOVE going to my grandparents house....I enjoyed the conversation I had with them over the table as we talked about anything and everything.  I often chose this as my Saturday night...I still wouldn't have it ANY other way. 

When my husband and I finally got married, I had to move to San Diego to be with him.  I once again had to leave my family..with hopes of starting my own.  My husband and I, both native New Yorkers who had Sunday dinner each and every weekend, found out pretty quickly raising children out West wasn't for us.  We met lots of wonderful people but with most people, we found our values were different.  It's hard to explain.  I am not saying in ANY way that our values are better or worse....they were just different.  Something we both found uncomfortable. 

We knew we wanted to raise our family back East.  The opportunity came to move back and we JUMPED on it! We now have Sweet Pea and we are doing everything we wanted to.......

......except Sunday dinner at Grandma and Grandpa's. 

All of Sweet Pea's immediate family lives in different states.  Arizona and Florida to be exact.  With each day that passes, and as she begins to learn and explore new things, my heart hurts.  I find myself trying to explain to my mother in words the cute things she does.  I always try to get a picture in time or a video but it doesn't always work. 

What hurts my heart the most....Sweet Pea will not know those Sunday dinners. 

At 18 years old, I thought I had it all figured out.  I was getting away.  Spreading my wings.  I figured I knew where I was going....

and today I realize, I only ever wanted to be home! 


The Best Five Years of My Life

We have been married five years today!!   Even at our worst, this has been the BEST five years of my life....

(I totally stole this idea off my friend Beth...Thanks Beffy!)

I love you babe!


SLEEPING SWEET PEA!!!!!! (this is Caps and exclamation points exciting)

For the past few nights, Sweet Pea has slept OVER 8 HOURS!  Now this might not be a big deal to some of you (in particular my friend whose daughter sleeps about 22 of the 24 hours in a day....love you LV). However, here in this house, THIS IS HUGE! 

I almost feel like I won the lottery....or an award of some type......

She likes me ....She really likes me!!!! Oh gosh, I don't even know where to start....

First and foremost, I would like to thank God and Jesus for inventing the Catholic religion, making my parents be a part of it, and teaching me (almost obsessively) that my daughter needs to be christened. *takes two fingers, kisses my lips, puts them up in the air as I look and point at the ceiling...I do this repeatedly...because let's face it...it's the cool thing to do while receiving an award and giving a speech*

I would like to thank the barrage of  people that have come to visit my daughter all at once and have argued over holding her, keeping her awake from her much needed naps.

I would also like to thank my little nephew who is a ball of energy that my daughter has been watching intently....this is obviously tiring her out!

I would like to thank the priest who dumped holy water all over her face by accident, scaring her from ever enjoying future baths.

I would also like to thank that same priest for putting so much holy oil in her hair that I can't seem to wash out.  She smells like a funeral home and looks like she belongs with the Thunderbirds in the movie Grease.

Obviously both of these things are making her sleep better.  

Out of all the three people that have watched her overnight (in the next room over because I'm crazy obsessive), I'm honored and touched she chose ME to sleep through the night for.  This was such a talented group....

And lastly I would like to thank you my friends for showing me the jealously of a sleeping-through-the-night baby...for which I am able to appreciate this and to humbly accept this award!

Thank y- AND SHE'S UP!


I Had A Mommy Brain Moment

The lack of sleep is getting to me.....

......or maybe I was born an honorary "blonde".  

I've done some silly things in my life.  For the most part, I'm a smart cookie.  I even have a Master's degree.  I can hold my own in a conversation.  I have my own opinions (and as many can attest to...I am not afraid to use them).

But I have these moments....these moments of pure "Why the hell did I just do that?".....

It was easy to blame on pregnancy brain before....now I will have to blame it on mommy brain...

So you want to know what I did huh?  


I was washing my face before bed last night.  Used my favorite facial cleaner.  Rinse...pat dry.  I then grabbed my astringent, because let's face it, this baby has not been kind to my skin.  I put it on a cotton ball and began applying it to my face as I thought of the bajillion things I need to get done. 

After I rubbed it on 75% of my face, I began to realize it was burning more than normal....then I realized the smell!! OH THAT SMELL

My dear friends...I was not using astringent on my face....I was using NAIL POLISH REMOVER!!!!!!

I grabbed a cloth and started scrubbing!  I rewashed my face TWICE.  There was no way around it.  My skin was RED!  I kept a cool cloth on my skin til the burning stopped....all the while shaking my head in disbelief.

You better BELIEVE, I thanked God that this didn't happen the morning of the christening!

In my defense, they are the same color and they were right next to each other.  That's what I get for cleaning up my bathroom counter and putting all the things I use frequently in one basket. 

I prepared myself for the abomination that might have been my face this morning...but luckily, nothing...and that pimple on my forehead is even gone now  (do not try this at home folks!!!)

Moral of the story: Do not go tired! But  if you have to go tired... do not keep nail polish remover and astringent in the same place!!


I Have Entered the Olympics

There was no training.

There was no way you could possibly train for this.

I'm not sure lifting weights prior to getting pregnant would have even helped.

What am I talking about you wonder? Trying to feed Sweet Pea!

This has become an exhausting and grueling Olympic style event.

My baby girl has started to see the world around her....not just see it but want to know ALL about it.  I marvel at her interest in the simplest things; watching the fan go around, staring at the shadows on the wall, adoring the clouds as the drift by in the sky.   She is learning and experiencing new things EVERY single day.  I love when something as simple as watching the trees blow in the wind excites her.  I want to show her the world....

......just not during feeding time.

This new found interest in all the world has to offer has made feeding her a bottle really hard!  Who am I kidding?!? It's damn near impossible at times. 

I like to think of it like something as simple as the bobsled.  Everyone gets on board, you start off slow and gain speed as you continue on the course.  This is our feeding time.  Each time one of us settles in to feed our darling baby girl she always starts by taking the bottle and staring at our faces.  This is the start of needing to wear a bib...not for her...for us.  She likes to eat in a sort of snuggling position.  When she stares at your face and you make eye contact, she smiles and as that smile spreads across her face, the formula runs out of her mouth down my shirt. I would take a thousand stains a day and ruin a thousand shirts for a lifetime of those moments.

Next she starts to get bored and her eyes start to wander....followed by her head simply turning from side to side.  This is still the easy part....something hasn't caught her attention yet.  That special something that just fascinates her is ALWAYS somewhere not easy to see...so she starts to twist into a pretzel to see it.

This is where the fun begins.

Adjusting her does nothing because she will very quickly lose interest and start to span the room for something new to engage all the while trying to keep eating.   She EXPECTS to keep eating.  As her head turns to each side faster and faster, the sweat begins to form on me.

At the height of our sport, it would probably resemble the exorcist meets Jackson Pollack. Her head  and eyes are moving back and forth so fast that formula is flying everywhere because lets face it ...I CAN NEVER KEEP UP.  My shirt and the furniture turn into Gerber style works of art. 

And when that bottle falls out....OH THE SCREAMS.  Those high pitched wails could wake the dead.....

But alas as our sport comes to a close, she starts to get tired and snuggles back in for some cuddles and possibly a nap.....

My sweet angel ...looking like this....

This is not actually Sweet Pea.....

And her dear mama looking like this

I can't wait until our next sport......eating foods...or the ever popular ..trying to change a crawling baby!


Happy First Father's Day To My Baby Daddy

It is Father's Day.

My husband's first Father's day.

My father's first Father's day with a granddaughter.  He already has an amazingly adorable Grandson from my sister. 

My father in law's first Father's Day as a Grandpa!

I am actually a little surprised that I am way more emotional today than I was on Mother's Day. 

I might even admit to you that I burst into tears running to the store, listening to the song Africa by Toto (Random!!!!!) thinking about our family.   OUR family....OUR FAMILY!  I friggen love it!

There were several moments today where the tears just came.....

This morning, laying in bed with my husband and our sweet pea in between us cuddling.  She reached out and grabbed his finger with her whole hand.....WA-TER-WORKS!

We sat outside and I was watching my baby take in the world.  I looked at him, gazing at her and thought my heart was going to burst <3

Today has been an incredible, unbelievable milestone in our relationship! We worked hard to celebrate this day!  Every year, while I would fall apart on Mother's Day, he would keep it together on Father's Day, remaining stoic.  The struggle hurt us both to the core and each Father's day, I admired his courage.  He would always brush it off...but the truth was...we wanted a family and we didn't have one...and it sucked!

So to my AMAZING husband, I am thrilled to say HAPPY FIRST FATHER'S DAY!!

I love you!!

           I love us!!!!

                       I love our daughter!!!!!

                                    I love our family!!!


Mom Public Service Announcement: What You Have In Your Child's Medicine Bag That Can Kill You...

I'm not ashamed to admit that I am scared to death of all weapons.

You know the usual..... Machete's, Guns, Baby Nail Clippers......

Wait! What?  You aren't scared of Baby Nail Clippers?!?!  It's just me then....Fabulous!

I mean seriously, Look at this thing...

Just the sight of it makes me break out in sweats....

Oh and don't let that Safety 1st thing fool you...it's not a brand...It's a warning! Further proof...baby nail clippers are totally weapons.

Maybe I have been traumatized by stories of one too many babies getting cut and bleeding from these "harmless tools".  I don't ever want Sweet Pea to get hurt ...EVER! NEVER, NEVER, NEVER do I EVER want to be the cause of it.  I'm petrified of those little shark like jaws pinching her in the wrong way....

So I have nominated my husband the official "Nail Cutter".

The secret is....he is scared too.

What does this mean...My darling gorgeous little Sweet Pea has talons....


Oh and that sweet little princess knows how to use them.  By the looks of my arms you would think I owned a cat...or a tiger for that matter.

We have taken to filing them down but we need to get her at just the right time or there is an atomic explosion of high maintenance baby drama. Remember how I said that I don't want to ever hurt Sweet Pea, well confession, I also don't like to see her cry, with those big real tears.

I've tried the whole "biting them off".  She balls her hands up into little fists and makes it impossible to do that.  If I try while she is sleeping, it wakes her up.  The only acceptable time to file seems to be while she is eating, which is a two person job. My husband and I are there on Team No More Scratches trying to file these talons down.  There is sweat dripping from our faces and fear pouring out of our skin....one wrong move and this will all explode.....

The victory we feel when we finish...it's incredible. High fives all around.  I will not have to put her anti-talon mittens on her that night!

And then she wakes up the next morning and I swear we start all over again.  The talons are back...I think they are sharper than the time before.


And sometimes I just think it might be easier to go get those baby nail clippers and as I hold those tiny little things in my hand...the sweat breaks out again.  The warning "Safety 1st" reminds me just how dangerous those are.....

..so I tuck them away and deal with the talons again.

I wonder how they would look painted...


Like Sands Through the Hour Glass......

Last year around this time, I was having a nervous breakdown.  I was counting the days, the hours, the minutes til my 30th birthday!  Each day the cloud of gray over my head grew larger and larger.  I had ONE goal in my life, to be a mother by thirty and as each passing second went by....it became inevitable...it wasn't going to happen.

I did a lot of soul searching during that time.  I didn't know who or what I was anymore.  I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize who I saw.  Years of battling PCOS and infertility had taken its toll on me.  The wear from the worry started to form wrinkles which were hiding behind the packages of cookies I had come to adore.  I spent so much time focusing on 30...turning 30..being 30! It was my mile marker and I had come to pass it ...still childless.

If I wasn't someone's mom...who the hell was I?

You might ask why 30?  It started when I was 21 and got diagnosed with PCOS.  You see, I always planned to have my first child by 25..... I wanted more than ANYTHING to be a "young mom".  Upon hearing this diagnosis, the doctor explained to me how this would affect my fertility and that it could be really hard to have a baby.  The direct quote was (and I will never forget it) "The younger you are the easier it will be for you to get pregnant.  By the age of thirty, it might be impossible".

Enter depression....serious depression....

I began to focus on that and it began to consume me.  I NEEDED a baby.  I sort of zoned it out after awhile....I tried not to think about it.  We weren't married yet...I had time.

Of course looking back and knowing all I know now, it was IMPOSSIBLE for her to tell me that...or to predict that.  She wasn't an infertile fortune teller.  PCOS was still a "new" diagnosis back then....maybe that is generally what was believed...but analyzing the affect those words had on me..They changed my life.

Pretty soon 25 came and went, I got engaged and we were getting married at 26.  That's when I set my sights on 30.  It was SO far away.  I wanted to be done having kids by thirty.  Surely if we tried right away, we could have one or two by then.....30....30....30!

And as the years passed, I felt like I was on a scary ride I didn't want to be on.  The rollercoaster was going too fast.  I watched the clock go in fast circles as the ticking in my ears got louder and louder.  Each day that passed was one day less I had!  The pregnancy announcements got harder and harder to hear.....to the point that they would take my breath away.  I would slip into a deep sadness for days, not understand why this wasn't working for us.  Yet no matter how slow I felt we were moving towards having a baby, the moving sidewalk of time never stopped.

Two years ago, I began to just plead to be pregnant by thirty.  When we started seeing our RE, Dr. Godfather....I had 10 chances.....and as each chance slipped through my finger..the inevitable became clear.  I would NOT be pregnant by my 30th birthday and it really friggen sucked.

So last year, I tried to figure out who I was....what I was meant to be if it wasn't going to be a mom....

And I found after some serious soul searching that I had ACCEPTED it.  I wouldn't ever embrace it...but I accepted it.  I went into the July 2010 cycle as a realist.  This most likely wasn't going to happen for us.  I went through the motions of the cycle.  My follicles were taking forever to grow.  I was just glad I mastered the daily shots.

And on July 23, suddenly, wrapped up in a neat tiny little phone call was the answer to everything I had ever wanted.

We make plans and God laughs.

This year, around the end of May, my mother in law, who was visiting, brought me my birthday presents.  MY BIRTHDAY!?!?  I had been so consumed with Sweet Pea that I swear I honestly forgot it was coming.  Here I sit less than a week away from turning 31 and I am finally a mom.

The ticking has stopped in my ear.

The roller coaster has slowed down and finally let me off.

And although that moving sidewalk might still be going, I have the hand of a little wonder in mine....and as each year passes and time goes on, I might start to wrinkle or get gray hair (OMG!), but my eyes will get to watch this precious baby girl grow and THAT will be the best thing ever!

So from now on, as I blow out my candles, I will no longer have to wish for her...because she is here....I will just take a deep breathe and thank god that, even on his terms, I am forever grateful that I got to be a mom. 


Sweet Pea- The Birth Edition Part Three

Ok so we left off where I had my "bumpy car ride" C-section...puked in my hair....shakes in recovery and FINALLY held Sweet Pea. 

Moving on......

We had a three day stay booked at the hotel...I mean hospital!  This place is BEAUTIFUL!  Each room is private and had a place for my husband to sleep each night.  The wonderful man he is stayed by my side the entire time (I'm sure the fact that I threatened his life if he left me didn't sway his decision AT ALL).  I was so tired the first night.  I don't remember much except holding my baby, the fact that Casey SHOULD have been kicked off American Idol and they used the save...on him, and they finally FINALLY let me have ice chips which instantly became my new favorite food after not eating or drinking ANYTHING for over 24 hours.

Sweet Pea wasn't nursing right away...we tried a couple of times that night...no go.  I was devastated but her health came first so I told them to give her some formula.  YES I told THEM to give her formula (P.S. if you are one of those preaching breastfeeding woman...I don't need to hear your comments...I know what's right for MY child...YOU don't! Thank you..come again!).  People were in and out of my room ALL night checking my temp, blood pressure, the baby etc.

I was to stay in the bed for 24 hours so I had a catheter in.  Let's discuss this shall we...I LOVED having the catheter!!!! After having to pee SO much ALL the time, I found it refreshing to not have to get up to pee for 24 hours!!! LOVE!  The catheter was my friend..until they tried to take it out...I'll get to that in a minute! 

Next morning, we tried breastfeeding again and she latched RIGHT AWAY.  I was pretty stoked (if only I knew the heartache I would deal with over the next few weeks due to low supply).  Our family was finally able to come and see the baby.  I was still bedridden and threatened the life of anyone who took a picture of me with the puke hair and ear!  Visiting hours were from 12-8 (yes that's a LONG time). 

Infertility had sent my modesty right out the window prior to having a baby.  You don't get to have doctors in your candy land at 6 in the morning and be ashamed about it.  However, if infertility hadn't done it...breastfeeding would have.  People just WALK into your room while your baby's dinner is hanging out.  We tried the covers the first few times.  I felt like they were smothering her!  Plus I wanted to see her gorgeous face...so it seemed whenever someone new came into the room...my udder was hanging out!  Oh well...what are you gonna do.....Sigh!

I was finally allowed up after what seemed like forever and was escorted into the bathroom by three nurses...GOOD THING...because I almost went down like a TON of bricks.  All of a sudden I heard a buzzing in my ear and my eyes started to lose sight as my knees started to buckle.  Next thing I know I have smelling salt shoved up my nose.  That stuff is NO joke.  I think I lost some brain cells from that.  Nurse said my blood pressure or something crashed from the surgery.  I was escorted back to bed. 

I was trying to be what I felt was a good mom....I was turning down the pain meds unless I needed them.  This all came to a point after I was forced to get out of bed and had a soap opera type meltdown from the pain.  Suddenly my fabulous C-section wasn't so fabulous anymore.  Lesson learned!!!! Oh and the catheter...the nurse SWORE to me it wouldn't hurt.  I. SAW. STARS!  I heard she didn't inflate the balloon all the way or something.  If I had the strength I would have kicked her in the teeth! 

The last time I had eaten was 8 pm Wednesday night.  I was allowed liquids late Thursday and was kept on liquids until Saturday afternoon....um....WTF?!?!?  We had to call and ask why I was being kept away from food!  The response "Oops..it was an oversight".  Gee Thanks! 

The WORST part of the recovery was the gas pains.  I couldn't even walk and of course that's what they tell you to do.  I tried to take a walk with my mom...who made me laugh and then I cried the whole way back to my room.  AWFUL.  SERIOUSLY  AWFUL! 
We were released on Sunday morning.  I was NOT ready to go home.   It sucked!  Thank god my family was here to help with the baby!  

I feel like I am forgetting to tell you all so much!  

Oh my genius daughter lifted her head up off of my shoulder at the age of 10 hours old.  Yep!  It must have been ALL that milk I drank during the pregnancy!  Milk DOES a baby good!  

Ok so that's where I will leave my birth story.  I am sure there will be many addenda.  I know you are all excited......
........try to sleep tonight though ok? =)


Sweet Pea: The Birth Edition Part 2

Ok so I left off that the surgery was about to start..... 

My adorable husband was brought in.....

....dressed in his Ghostbuster type garb. 

There was a young Dr assisting in the surgery.  I listened to my OB instruct him as he went.  Very student/ teacher like.  I just didn't even care.  To be honest, I was as calm as a Hindu cow! I am assuming I was cut a little as I was asked "Did you feel that?"  My response "Nope..not a thing".  My OB then said "Ok..here we go". 

How would I describe my c-section?  Like a bumpy car ride. The table was shaking and to me it felt like a ride on a bumpy road.  I had this HUGE light shining in my face and music was playing.  I often thought about what was going on behind the curtain but it didn't phase me.  I told you...MY DR. LONG ASS NEEDLE DID AN AMAZING JOB!

The anticipation of her was unreal.  I felt butterflies...although I am sure it was a scalpel or something.  I closed my eyes for one brief moment when they told me they were going to be pressing down to get her out.  The four years of dealing with infertility flashed through my brain.....and then I heard this cry.  This sweet angel like cry and I looked up and THERE SHE WAS!  The light shining above her gave her almost a glow as I took in all I could in those brief moments.  Her massive amount of hair was curly. She looked just like my husband.  Tears were streaming.  I instantly felt my infertile broken heart mend.  It stitched up with each breathe I took.  I prayed and I prayed and there she was, coughing out her amniotic fluid all over my face.  I wouldn't have had it any other way. 

Sweet Pea born 5:23 pm on 3/24/11.

For those brief few seconds time stood still....

....And then everything went fast. 

I remember saying to my husband that she looked just like him.  He was soon whisked away to watch her get cleaned up and weighed as I closed my eyes again to listen to her cry.  She was brought over to me...I stroked her face....I'm not sure all the things I needed to say in that moment came out but god knows I felt them.  "You are PERFECT".  "We waited so long for you".  "I love you more than anything or anyone I have ever known".  "You finally healed my heart"  "You made me exactly who I wanted to me...your mom".  She was brought to the nursery and I made my husband go with her and videotape as much as he could.  I knew my family would be seeing her for the first time through a window and I smiled....for as much as my husband and I wanted her...they wanted her too.  As long as we waited, they waited too.  They shared in our heartache and tears and deserved to share in our happiness. 

I'll never forget the song that was playing when I got to finally take a deep breathe and realize my surroundings. 

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah
And the man at the back said
Everyone attack and it turned into a ballroom blitz
And the girl in the corner said
Boy, I wanna warn ya, it'll turn into a ballroom blitz
Ballroom blitz, ballroom blitz, ballroom blitz
Ballroom blitz

 So random...but instantly a new favorite song!

I laid there on the table....listening to the music with the big light shining in my eye and I pretended I was on a beach with the sun shining.  I was just laying there tanning...and I actually think I fell asleep because the next thing I knew I was being wheeled into recovery and my husband was there to show me all the little videos he took of our Sweet Pea. 

I was still feeling great but couldn't stop shaking so they had to keep giving me meds. After about 75 minutes I was finally being wheeled into the mother/child hospital rooms.  I wanted Sweet Pea.  I needed to hold her.  I remember being pushed down the hall...visiting hours were just about over but as we turned the corner I saw my family...adoring my daughter and I felt so happy.  They started to scream and yell and "woohoo" as soon as they saw us (We are very loud East Coasters).  Everyone was telling me how beautiful she was and I was rolled to the window to see her.

We were brought down to the room and I immediately started asking for her.  Each time someone came in...I didn't care who it was ..I wanted her!  After a long wait (they were seriously overcrowded), she was brought to me and placed in my arms.


We were finally left alone!  Me, my husband and OUR daughter.

My life was finally complete.....

 (Part three to come tomorrow ..on our hospital stay)