8.29.2010

Putting Faith in My Beliefs!

It's about to get religious up in here...HATERS need not apply! 

I am in no way pushing my religion...this is my experience with infertility and religion.....

I am Catholic.  I grew up Catholic.  My many experiences with what I learned about my religion really did help to put the fear of God in me.  I believed for many many years that God rewarded those who did right and punished those who did wrong. If something bad happened to me, it must have been a reaction to something I did. As a 30 year old adult...I see how illogical that seems...but regardless it's what I believed. 

This belief in God and my strong belief in fate and "everything happens for a reason" was how I guided my life. How I made the decisions I did.  It's because of these things that I felt punished through my infertility.  I felt like I took a wrong step, made a wrong decision, took a wrong turn somewhere.  For years I tried to figure out what it was.  There was never a satisfying answer....

Honestly, infertility has brought me to the lowest point of my religion.  I didn't understand it. The phrase "God is good" sent me overboard.  I was angry and hurt.  I felt abandoned by my faith...when the truth was I was the one abandoning it.  I watched what people I love went through.  I questioned how there could be a God if there was so much devastation in the world.  To this day...I can not answer that question. 

I examined my beliefs...I questioned my beliefs....I rebelled against my beliefs.  I thought this was the lowest point in my life. 

And then that Sunday morning, when I thought my life was crashing down....when I thought the happiest part of my soul was going to be taken from me....when I didn't know how to take another breath or another step.  I PRAYED. 

I prayed and I pleaded.  At my lowest, I turned to God.  There was so much unknown in that three hour wait in that emergency room bed.  My conversations alternated between my husband and God. 

Hearing the ultrasound tech say "There's that heartbeat" and then seeing my miracle....my baby...fighting.  There were no words.  After years of praying and pleading, He listened. 

I made a promise to him that Sunday morning.  If he took care of my Sweet Pea....if he kept Sweet Pea safe and alive, I would return to him....fully! 

So far, God has held up his end of the bargain...and I have held up mine.  Each Sunday, I go to church and I pray.  I no longer view it as a chore as I once did when I was little.  I'm enjoying my renewed sense of religion. I don't know what tomorrow brings.  I don't know where my life will take me...I believe with all my faith that this journey will put Sweet Pea safely into my arms in about seven and a half months! 

I'm not going to pretend I have all the answers or try to understand why we had to go through what we did.  I'm just gonna state that I fell away from God....................................and he picked me up when I needed it. 


Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.
-Martin Luther King, Jr.

8.27.2010

Day 24- Where You Live

I will do this in pictures

Welcome to New Jersey
Home of:                         Beautiful scenery
The Jersey Shore
And Atlantic City!
BUT ALSO HOME OF:
Not having to pump your own gas
Fist Pumping
 and these Guys
And of course you can't forget our CLASSIC entertainment:
Jersey Shore
Real Housewives of New Jersey
Jerseylicious
And my fav...Jersey Couture!!

8.24.2010

I Have A New Cape

Something has been happening to me over the last few days and I can't stop it. 

I can't control it.  I can't explain it.  It just happens......

INSERT Preggo Super Bitch! 

There is no warning when my preggo super bitch cape comes on...it just happens.  Something will piss me off to no end and I snap.  It's like PMS times infinity. 

I've been wearing my Preggo Super Bitch cape all day today.  This is no joke people....BEWARE!

I need to buy one of these....for real

Day 23- Youtube Video

Ok so this isn't from Youtube....It's from Babelgum and it's my favorite video EVER!! ENJOY!

8.23.2010

Day 22- A Website

My Favorite "I wish I was rich so I could afford some of these things because they are so friggen cute and my child will just need them" website is:

POSHTOTS

http://www.poshtots.com/

Seriously....LOVE!  I've been daydreaming on this site for years!

8.22.2010

Day 21- A Recipe

Here is a favorite recipe of mine from my best friend Giada De Laurentiis (courtesy of Foodnetwork.com)

                    Fusilli alla Caprese


  • Level: Easy             Yield: 4 to 6 servings


Times:

Prep 10 min
Cook 10 min
Total: 20 min

Ingredients

  • 1 pound fusilli pasta
  • 3 tablespoons olive oil
  • 2 cloves garlic, minced
  • 3 cups cherry tomatoes, quartered (about 1 1/2 pints)
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • 1/2 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
  • 1/2 cup packed fresh basil leaves, torn
  • 8 ounces fresh mozzarella, diced (about 1 1/4 cups)

Directions

Bring a large pot of salted water to a boil over high heat. Add the pasta and cook until tender but still firm to the bite, stirring occasionally, about 8 to 10 minutes. Drain pasta into a large bowl and reserve 1/2 cup of the cooking liquid.
In a medium skillet heat the olive oil over medium heat. Add the garlic and saute until fragrant, about 2 minutes. Add the tomatoes, salt, and pepper. As the tomatoes cook and soften, smash them with a fork. Continue to cook until the tomatoes make a chunky style sauce, about 4 minutes. Transfer the tomato sauce to the bowl with the pasta. Toss to combine. Add the basil leaves and mozzarella. Stir to combine. Add the reserved pasta water, 1/4 cup at a time, until the pasta is moist. Serve.

8.21.2010

HAPPY AUGUST ICLW!

Welcome friends (both new and old).  Happy August ICLW week!  It's been awhile since I have done one of these so let me fill you in.....

I married my husband in July 2006 after dating long distance for 8 years.  We started trying to conceive in August 2006.  We were given two shots of Femara, which both failed and we were referred to an RE because of my PCOS.  However, fate had other plans as we learned that we did NOT have any type of insurance for fertility.  I gave up and became depressed. 

In 2007, we visited the top RE for PCOS in San Diego but were passed down to a new dr who had the personality of an turd...and I am not even joking.  Many issues with him and his green money seeing ways and we decided not to go back.  Deeper depression....

In Oct of 2008, we moved back east as my adorable husband was offered a better job....with a better job came better insurance....MUCH better.  It wasn't complete coverage but it was something.  We made our first appt with our RE here who we adore...DR. GODFATHER.  We started seeing him regularly last August!

After 6 IUI's (5 with clomid and one with injectibles) I am glad to say that I am now eight weeks pregnant.  This road has been a long one....full of ups and downs...highs and lows.  The greatest gift I have received through this infertility is my amazing relationship with my husband.  He is incredibly supportive...my strength.... my rock. 

As thrilled as we are for this pregnancy, we are incredibly aware and nervous of things that could go wrong.  We have had a couple of instances of spotting....one with a trip to the emergency room.  I take each day as a blessing...one foot in front of the other!  I waited a long time for this....

Thanks for stopping by! I hope you enjoy reading my blog as much I enjoy writing it!  Feel free to poke around and follow me! 

xoxoxoxo

8.20.2010

Day 20- A Hobby

My greatest hobby of all time is of course .........SHOPPING!  No shock here! 

For me there is no greater high then a great sale! 

My motto: "if the shoe fits...buy one in every color"

Veni- Vedi- VISA!

8.19.2010

Day 19- My Talent

According to my husband...This is my talent:





And I am really good at it....

8.18.2010

Day 18- Our Wedding

I married my best friend....the one I laugh with...live for....and love...on July 15, 2006 in Scottsdale, AZ!

Yes it was as hot as hell.   Someone once told me "it's a dry heat"...so is a blowtorch!

115 degrees the day of my wedding.  Yes my out of town guests were melting...but hello...I was the one in the dress that weighed a bazillion pounds...and its not really my fault that my husband chose black tuxes...you can blame him for that!

Here are some pictures of that day:
Walking down the aisle with my dad...totally hyperventilating!

A picture of the church (sorry it's so small!)  

You may kiss the bride 
Mr and Mrs 
Our Wedding Party

Father Daughter Dance
OUR FABULOUS CAKE! 

8.17.2010

The Infertile Pregnancy Identity Crisis

I've been feeling kind of lost.

Twitter was easy before...when I was an infertile who was trying so hard to conceive.   I had never been pregnant before.  I never knew that joy.  There were days when I felt I never would.  Each failed cycle brought me to this cynical dark place of "why me?".  I connected with so many other girls who were feeling the same things.  The comfort was indescribable...at times unbelieveable...and constant. ...Just what we all needed to get through. 

I feel like my positive, drifted me away from the group.  Not intentionally....I feel it just happened.  I've been that person who cried at others positive news. I've been that person (who unfortunately and shamefully) has shunned those who I considered "lucky".  I remember feeling anger at those tweets and blog posts....it wasn't anger with them....it was anger with my situation and later followed with anger for myself as to why I couldn't be happy for someone who has struggled, just as I have. 

I have spent four years feeling angry, cynical, ashamed for what I was feeling because of what we were going through. 

And now honestly, I feel stuck in the middle of the long road.  I've drifted so far away from some of the people who have given me the most comfort and reassurance due to the fact that I don't want to hurt them.  I don't want to answer honestly when they say "how are you feeling?".  I try to turn the conversation about them.  I know that feeling of hopelessness. I thought crossing over into pregnancy would be easy...I automatically assumed that I would know what to say to everyone....and yet I find that it has become a daily struggle....and honestly...it breaks my heart. 

On the other side of the road, is the "lucky ones"...the group I have not been able to let myself into yet.  Fear and angst have prevented me from identifying with them. What if I get comfortable and something goes wrong?  Each time I feel a little bit happy...I remind myself how wrong things can go...Some might say its a neurotic way to live. ...but it keeps me grounded and thankful. 

So I am stuck.  I fear the more I drift closer to the "lucky ones"...the more I will fall farther apart from the ones who kept me going to get to this point.  I don't know how to stop it or what to say.  I feel bad discussing my pregnancy on twitter...so I have been avoiding it as much as I can.  I feel bad discussing with the other "lucky ones" symptoms, progress, or excitement for the future.

And on the other hand, I feel bad trying to give support to those who really need it.  I know how I felt when I was at my lowest points getting advice from a "lucky one".  I HATE doing that to someone.  I HATE hurting other people. 

I'm still trying to figure this all out...how to keep the support that has gotten me through hell and enjoy what I have waited four years for.

A dear friend of mine said to me "I know how to be infertile.  I don't know how to be pregnant".   It couldn't be a more true statement!

Advice anyone?

Day 17- An Art Piece

Ok so I am a few days behind.  They didn't mean 30 days in a row did they?  Oh well....moving on

Here is my favorite art piece:

Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte- by Seurat
I just LOVE that this picture is actually a whole bunch of little dots put together (called pointillism...that's right...I'm smart). 

8.13.2010

Day 16- A Song That Makes You Cry

I know I talked about this song a few days ago and how it reminds me of my uncle Craig.  I went through the songs I have in my Itunes ...trying to find a different one that made me cry.  Although there are quite a few that really touch my heart...nothing starts the water works faster than this.  I'm crying in the first 10 seconds!

Let It Be- The Beatles

8.12.2010

Happy Birthday Baby!!!

When I think back on all the time we have spent together... the fact that I now know you for more than half of my life..I smile.

I remember those times in high school, where I thought nothing more of you than a classmate...those times turned into becoming friends...best friends....and then loves....I smile!

I think of our first kiss..how you laughed because you were nervous.  I could today paint a picture of that scene 12 years ago and it makes me smile.

I think of the ups and downs we had.  How we somehow managed to navigate our way through a VERY LONG long distance relationship.  I think of it as a yo-yo....at times we dangled far away from each other and just as I thought the string would break...our love wrapped us back up.  I don't smile about the bad times...I smile because we got through them.

I will forever remember the conversation when we decided it was time to get married....July 4 2005....sitting on the terrace of a restaurant overlooking La Jolla.  I have never been so excited for our future....so excited for the possibilities that laid in front of us.....That day makes me smile.

On our wedding day, saying our vows, as the tears flowed and the words squeaked out....my heart and soul...they both smiled.

We found our way through the dark tunnel of infertility....using each other as guidance.  We never knew what lie ahead and each month that past saw a shortening of the gap between us...instead of a widening like most would expect.  I look back at the journey and I smile.

We have become intertwined with each other. Our souls have meshed. 

And when I thought I was losing everything we worked for.....everything we dreamed of....everything we have ever wanted to share...I turned to you and realized you, my beautiful husband, are my rock.

You have held me together for 12 years. 

You have made me a better person.

Today on your birthday, I honor your love.....your strength.....your passion!  I honor you and thank you for showing me the meaning of love.

I love you baby!  Happy 30th birthday! 

8.11.2010

Day 15- My Dream House



I'll admit it.....I was all about Barbie when I was younger.  I had the dream house...the dream pool...the dream car!  I loved it all! 
Here are some pictures of what my dream house would entail:

What my dream house would look like 
My dream living room  
My dream kitchen
Dream Dining Room

Dream Bedroom
Dream Bathroom
And of course, most importantly....dream closet!

8.10.2010

My First Gray Hair

It's official.  I believe my baby (who will be lovingly referred to as Sweet Pea) has given me my first gray hair.  and maybe my first wrinkle....definitely my first heart attack.

We had quite a scare this weekend. 

On Thursday, I packed up and headed into the city to attend the ever fabulous Blogher 10!  I was a little nervous about the amount of activity over the next couple of days but I promised myself (and my husband) I would take it easy...wouldn't push myself. 

By Friday afternoon, I was having these unfamiliar cramps in my stomach....ones that scared the beejesus out of me.  I did what any normal infertile who had finally conceived after four years of trying would do...I left Blogher (I know, I know!!).  Came home late Friday night and I am not even exaggerating when I tell you that ALL day Saturday I felt like hell.  I felt flu like aches and I was tired beyond belief.  I slept most of the day convincing myself that I pushed it over the last few days..and I just needed to relax.  Sweet Pea was just warning me that I was doing too much....It would all be ok. 

On Saturday (well technically Sunday) night, I woke up at 4 with a sharp pain that lasted only a few seconds.  I ran to the bathroom and everything seemed to be normal.  Pain was gone ...no bleeding so I went back to sleep. 

I woke up at 7 am to use the bathroom.  Now this might be a little TMI so dont read if you dont want but I have been wearing white or light colored undies so I know immediately if something is wrong.  Undies were clear so imagine my surprise when I wiped and had the tissue FULL of red blood!

I started screaming....ran into my bedroom with the tissue to wake up my husband.  He came running into the bathroom asked me to wipe again....this time I saw tissue....I almost fainted...This began my hysterics! 

We decided to go to the emergency room...due to the sheer volume of blood and due to the fact that it was bright red!  Everything always says if it's ever bright red to contact someone immediately. 

I couldn't believe this was happening.  I called my mom and screamed at her "I'm losing the baby" in between my sobs.

We ran to the emergency room.  Triage saw us right away.  I sobbed the whole time.  We were called to the billing station where the lady started to ask my all this information.  Here I am sobbing and she's asking my phone number..... I responded with "Are you f**king kidding me?".  I was ushered into a room right after that.  I'm sure she didn't want to be yelled at anymore. 

We waited in the room for THREE LONG HOURS before getting an ultrasound. Three hours of sobbing in hysterics....Three hours of discussing how we were going to get through this.  Three hours of silence (filled with the guy in the next room barfing....and the lady down the hall with a broken hip screaming!).  My heart was in a billion tiny little pieces...I told my husband I didn't know how I was going to survive this.  I have never loved something so much in my life.....

We were finally brought into the ultrasound room.  The lady explained that she first had to use the stomach ultrasound thing and then would do an internal.  I cried the whole time.  I couldn't see the screen.  I just watched my husband's face.  At first I saw this look of terror on his face.....

Calgon....take me away! I wanted to be anywhere at that moment...ANYWHERE but in that room about to hear what I never wanted to hear! 

Next was the internal.  Once again, I concentrated on my husband's face.  I saw a look of shock and which point the tech said "There's that little heartbeat".  I couldn't believe it.  She spun the screen around so I could see it.  It was the most amazing thing I have ever seen. She found the fetal pole and the baby was measuring right like it should.  Heart was beating at 130 bpm.  I laid there in awe....still crying...more relief tears than anything. 

And I started praying.  I prayed and I prayed and I prayed.  I would sell my soul to the highest bidder for everything to be all right with our child. 

The dr came back in saying everything looked good.  No blood around the baby.  Cervix was closed and heartbeat was strong.  He would be calling Dr. Godfather to discuss what happened and we would need to follow up with him in the morning. 

They were discharging me...and I was still pregnant. 

The hospital diagnosis was a threatened miscarriage.  As Dr. Godfather has told me the next morning, even though things look good now..he will worry until I get to that safe point.  Saw Sweet Pea again Monday morning....they had grown since the day before and this time I got to hear the precious heartbeat. 

Heartbeat on Monday was 100 bpm.  I started to freak out  (because it was at 130 bpm the day before) at which point Dr. Godfather reminded me that it will fluctuate and that it was perfect. 

We are doing well today.  I'm a billion times more nervous now than I ever was before.  I apologized to Nurse Christmas on the phone today for the amount of times I will be calling with questions in the future. 

So here we go...taking things one day at a time...praying with every ounce of my being that Sweet Pea stays put and that the next 8 months are smooth sailing!

Day 14- A Non-Fictional Book

Such a cute title for a cute book!!  Love it!

8.09.2010

Day 13- A Fictional Book

I have a serious love for children's literature!  Here are some of my favorites:



8.08.2010

Day 12- Something You Are OCD About

I have two things that stick out!  (and just for the record I never said I was normal)

1- I HAVE to eat those otter pop type ices in a specific order.  I MUST have one of every color available and I MUST put them in order from the ones I like the least to the ones I like the most.  My typical lay out is: orange, purple, blue, red, green, pink! 



2- I HAVE to have the bed made or I will not be able to fall asleep the next night!!!


Now that you know that I'm a freak...Can we still be friends?

8.07.2010

Day 11 - A Photo Of You Recently

                                        A picture of me from our cruise to the Caribbean in May 2010. 

8.06.2010

Day 10 - A Photo Taken Over 10 Years Ago Of You

A picture from 12 years ago....when my husband and I started dating! I would sell my kidneys to turn back time and look like that forever! 

8.05.2010

Day 9 - A Photo You Took

You have to love the long arm photo shots!!!  This is one of my favorites!  My nephew and I from last year at my sister's bridal shower!  Isn't he just the definition of love?!?!

8.04.2010

Day 8 - A Photo That Makes You Sad

This is a picture with my Aunt Karen and Uncle Craig on the day of my 5th grade graduation.  (Please don't mind the bad hair.....I had a bad perm).  My beloved Uncle Craig died unexpectedly in March 2003 and I don't think I have ever been able to fully get over it.  The news brought such shock and heartache to my family.  He was such a wonderful man and someone I will never ever ever forget.

At his funeral, because he was such a huge Beatles fan, his nephew sang Let it Be.  To this day, I can not listen to the song without bursting into tears.  Each line...each word...brings me back to that pain....

I will love you forever Uncle Craig!  Miss you for eternity!

8.03.2010

Day 7- A Picture That Makes Me Happy

My Husband as a Child.  He still wears this face today =)

8.02.2010

O.M.G!

I know many of you are wondering what happened with my last cycle.  I kind of left everyone hanging in the two week wait.  I had to process the information.  I had to listen to that message 1,000 times.  I had to look myself in the mirror and convince myself I wasn't dreaming.....We did it!

I'm pregnant!

I was completely expecting a negative test.  I fought with myself as to if I should go to my beta test or not.  The only thing that confused me was I had a lack of the Queen's symptoms...so I decided to go.  I waited an agonizing six hours....preparing myself for the bad news.  I equated that fear and pain to the fear of ripping off a band-aid!  You know it is gonna hurt so you just have to get the courage up to rip it off....and yes it stings for awhile...but it goes away....as I knew this negative would.

I didn't answer the phone when Nurse Christmas called.  I let it go to voicemail....frozen in fear.  My phone made the noise indicating a voicemail!  It was time to rip off the band-aid.  I wasn't surprised her voice sounded melancholy....after all how much could it suck to have to make these bad calls all day.  I took a deep breath prepared for the sob fest that was evident....

I was expecting to hear "I'm sorry you are not pregnant AGAIN"

Instead I heard "Congratulations, your beta came back at 135.  You are pregnant

There was a nice long message left...at which point I was screaming into the phone in disbelief.  I hung up and dialed it again....I couldn't have heard it right.  Tears were streaming down my face...I was sobbing...but for a different reason..

I called my husband and squeezed out the "We did it...I'm pregnant" message through my tears.  It was truly an unbelievable moment.  One I have waited my whole life for...one we have worked so hard for the past FOUR years for.  No matter what happens in the future, that will forever go down in history as one of the BEST days of my life. 

Our family is elated.  Would you believe that the last baby in my mother in law's side of the family was my husband?  Excited isn't even the word.

We went for our second beta two days later.  Came back 250.  perfect!

We waited a VERY long week for our first ultrasound.  On Sunday, we held our breaths and saw the beautiful picture of a gestational sac and yolk sac.  The baby is too small to see and the heartbeat isn't there yet but it was perfect.  Beta jumped to 2550!  Things are progressing nicely!

It's still early.  We don't go back for the heartbeat until next week.  We are cautiously optimistic.  At times, there is nothing but fear that washes over me.  I have a wonderful support system to get me through it. 

I still can't believe it. 

It doesn't feel real.

P.S.  I know that feeling of angst over reading another pregnancy blog.  Just as my blog wasn't all about infertility...it will not be all about pregnancy.  My blog is about my life as I see it...with all the crazy comedic twists I see in my head.  I hope you continue to keep reading (and laughing with me) xoxoxo!

Day 6 - 20 of My Favorite Things

In no particular order:

  1. spending time with my nephew
  2. shopping
  3. my iphone
  4. my purses
  5. the color pink
  6. Friends Dvd's
  7. my vast collection of Havaianas
  8. the Yankees
  9. Calla lillies
  10. cute socks
  11. disco fries (fries covered with gravy and mozzarella cheese...don't knock it til you try it!)
  12. Victoria's Secret Heavenly perfume
  13. the phrase "na mean" (short for "do you know what I mean?")
  14. chicken cutlets
  15. spending time with family
  16. cute picture frames
  17. the way I have our guest bathroom decorated (in purses and shoes decor)
  18. caprese salad
  19. listening to music
  20. talking to great friends

8.01.2010

Day 5 - Favorite Quote

I actually have two favorites...shocker shocker!!!

The first one is

Once in a while, right in the middle of an ordinary life, love gives us a fairy tale

The second one:


Be who you are and say what you feel because those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind.