Infertile Identity Crisis

I'm having a bit of an infertile identity crisis.

Our last cycle did not work.  So it is definitely official.  I am NOT pregnant by my 30th birthday.

I feel like I have just been thinking and trying to figure it all out...because once you let your dreams go, where do you turn to for hope?

30 was an important milestone for me (maybe not for others but it was for me).  I feel like it was the gateway between you have all the time in the world to hurry up the battery life on your biological clock is running out.  30 always seemed so far away but it crept up....appeared like a dreaded pimple on the face of a teen who is attending her prom with her dream date.  I thought of smashing all the clocks, trying to make a deal with mother nature or gravity or something.  But it just appeared

I was supposed to be a mom by thirty....now who am I? 

I'm the girl without the child, that bought a hermit crab (and acquired a fish...IT WASN'T MY IDEA!) just to have something to care for. 

I'm the lady who went shopping for purses to fill the void of not being able to buy diaper bags....the lady who has built a hope chest full of enough clothes to last my future daughter a year.

I'm the wife in this family of two, who has had to look in her husband's eyes and tell him it didn't work again, try to come up with some excuse for why it has taken four years, and smile as I pray that I don't see him cry...the way he has seen me cry.  Lord knows I am not strong enough to handle that.

I'm a woman who is learning the ropes, to deal with facing daily heartache, to accept who I am, what has happened to us and the pain that we have endured. 

I am learning every day:
         to accept defeat,
                  to dream new dreams,
                           to allow myself to be who I am, not who I should be,
                                    and to grieve and deal the way I should, not the way you think I should

I'm still trying to figure this all out.  Maybe the answers will come when our child does.....maybe they never will. 

Infertility has changed who I am and I'm learning that that's ok.  I'm pretty awesome....even without the title of mom attached. 

And I know that on that special day that I have dreamt about for sooo soo very long, there will never be more love in room between three people then when my husband and I get to hold our child for the very first time. 


I'm Making A Change!

As you all know, yesterday was my 30th birthday.  I was surrounded by TONS of messages from people telling me happy birthday.  Messages on Twitter...messages on Facebook....text messages...there were A LOT!

However, I realized there were very few ACTUAL PHONE CALLS! 

Is media ruining the way we communicate?  Is media affecting our relationships?

Wasn't our relationships stronger when texting, Myspace, Facebook and Twitter weren't on option?

Recall back to the days of being a teen and thinking about how many hours you spent on the phone with so many different people.  Yes, we had tons of time on our hands then....and Yes, our lives are so much busier now.......but aren't those relationships still worth the effort? 

I'm not saying everyone should spend HOURS on the phone every day!  I'm not...because it's not possible whether you have a child or not, whether you are married or not, whether you work or not! Everyone is busy...plain and simple!

However, I do think that SOME occasions deserve a little more effort then a happy birthday message on Facebook with a thousand exclamation points. 

For me, there is a hierachy of media.  The lowest would be twitter, the conversations are limited and are going on with tons of people at once.  Next would be facebook, more intimate than twitter, but less intimate then texting!  Texting would be the next level of media communication....then of course email...before you actually make the phone call. 

I will be the first to admit I am guilty of this.  It is easier to send a quick message or text than to have a conversation with someone on the phone.  Seriously though, what is that saying?  "I'm thinking about you but I just don't have the time to put in the effort".  A phone call doesn't have to be a thousand hours long....if you have them regularly with people then, they won't be. 

I'm not talking about your ex-boyfriend from high school or your seventh cousin twice removed.  For relationships like that...yes it is great to have facebook to keep in touch and see what is going on with each other's lives. 

However, close family and friends are different...Facebook and text messaging should all be a bonus to your relationship....it shouldn't become the basis of it! 

I hearby vow to be different....to change....to stop letting me hide behind easier ways of communication!!! My close family and friends mean the world to me and I never want them to be just a text message....or a facebook message....or a twitter message....especially on special occasions.

If someone is a priority in your life...make them a priority with communication too!

Will you put in the effort?  Will you join me? 


Happy Sappy Birthday to Me!

It's here!  I can't hide it anymore! 

I am THIRTY (I am also THIRSTY if anyone wants to get me a drink)

Let's get serious here for a second: What did you buy me!?!?!?!?!?

I am officially a cougar....married to someone in their twenties (He'll be 30 in two months!)

No tears yet....this is good!  it's still early!

Today, instead of focusing on the fact that I don't have a child yet, I will focus on what I do have:

- I have a husband who loves me and of course worships the ground I walk on! I have been incredibly lucky in love in my life and I am so thankful for that. 

- I am blessed to have an amazing relationship with my parents who are both incredibly supportive and always there to listen. 

- I have fantastic relationships with both my sister and brother and I love it!  My sister has become my best friend (seriously....I wasn't sure we would both survive our teen years together!) and my brother has always been a ray of light in my life! I adore them both!!! 

- I have the greatest grandparents in the world!  My heart is just so full of love for them.  (Here comes the tears!).  I treasure every moment spent with them <3 <3

-MY NEPHEW is the CUTEST kid in the WHOLE world.  No really he is.  I know you are all thinking that I'm just saying that and that your kids or nephews/neices are cuter.  Well they aren't!  It is incredible to me how happy he makes my soul! 

- I have been blessed with two sets of great in-laws. I mean...they made my husband so how could they not be wonderful!  It's amazing to have three families that love you unconditionally! 

- I don't have tons of friends but the friends I have are close and so dear to my heart.  I am incredibly blessed to have my two best friends from high school still in my life...and still as close as ever!  Over the years I have made some strong friendships and I adore what each one of them brings into my life! 

So I can sit here today and cry because my dreams are gone...I won't be a young mom like I had always hoped...I won't have my family complete by the age of thirty. OR-

I can celebrate the person I am now and the people that have helped to make me who I am today. 

I choose to celebrate (with just a little bit of tears....It's better than a little bit of celebrate with a lot of tears!)

So I tonight I will close my eyes and picture how lucky my child will be to be born into such a wonderful family as I blow out my candles....because the truth is ..the longer my child takes to come...the more awesome my family becomes!



I Went to the Jersey Shore and All I Got Was CRABS (of the Hermit type)!!

So if you know me...you know I'm really not a fan of reptiley things..or bugs...or any type of thing that moves that could hurt you.  So believe me, it wasn't a surprise to anyone MORE than me this weekend when while at the shore....I decided I wanted a hermit crab. 

Let's recall my encounters with a crab: 1) When I was younger, I was in the ocean at Atlantic City (that's EW on a whole new level) and I went out and felt this claw mark scrape the bottom of my foot.  My foot was bleeding...skin hanging off...IN THE SALT WATER.  You get the point.  If there was a shark...I would have been dead.  My parents tried to calm me down and convince me it was a shell...but it was a crab..i just know it! 2) A crab RUINED my time on the beach in St. Thomas because he was being a menace and snapping at everyone...and because of my first experience with one..I wasn't going to be that fool again! 

I hate crabs....I won't eat them....I despise everything about them!

There is just something about those cute little shells that sucked me in....I mean honestly...it's probably my need to care for SOMETHING alive.  I would love a puppy but my husband and I can not agree on the type of dog we would want and plus...I HATE when dogs have accidents and the house smells...I wanted something low maintenance and cute.

I found Spidey!  Spidey is a baby hermit crab....a CUTE LITTLE BABY.  He is this tiny little thing with a spiderman face on the back of his shell.  JUST TOO CUTE!  So the awesome "mama" that I am ...I got spidey some really cool living quarters...you know PINK gravel...PINK shell for food....PINK hermie hut...PINK tank!  I even bought my little Spidey a cute pink shell for him to grow into .....more on this later!

So I bought Spidey as we were leaving Wildwood.  We were meeting Carrie and her family for lunch.  I didn't really think this through.  I couldn't bring Spidey into the restuarant and care for him like Carrie cared for her son...so we hid Spidey in the car....covered the cage so the sun wasn't beating on it and left the windows cracked open for air. 

We were at lunch an hour when we decided to go.  I picked Spidey's cage up and NO MOVEMENT.  I sat him on my lap and watched for any type of movement and there was none.  I picked the shell up (YES I PICKED THE SHELL UP!) and tapped it...NOTHING.  I tapped his claws hoping they would move...and NOTHING.  I tried to get him to move for an hour....nothing =(.  I killed my first pet.

I'm going to be a wonderful mother!

My sweet adorable husband drove right to the pet store when we got home.  He said he was buying me a new crab.  We went into the store and all the crabs were MONSTERS....these HUGE mothersuckers!  I wanted a baby again...they didn't have one....so I had to settle for a teenager hermit crab with a REALLY cool pink blinged out shell.  Ok I can deal with this. 

To be honest, the new crab FREAKED me out.  It's too big...too reminiscent of the bastard that clipped my feet....but I wanted a hermit crab...so here it was.  I made my husband put the new hermit crab in the tank because let's face it folks...I'M NOT TOUCHING THAT THING!  The crab started causing mayhem in the tiny cage and was crawling over everything..much like Godzilla would a city! 

The Godzilla crab started to crawl over my poor little dead Spidey and I freaked out.  Just then...I saw the smallest movement from Spidey....HE WAS ALIVE!

Oh! My! God!  Now I have TWO! 

Cute Little Baby Spidey Crab!

Godzilla crab (but what a fabulous shell!)

Sleeping in their Hermie Hut!

Ok so here's the thing...The cage isn't big enough for GODZILLA and Spidey...poor Spidey keeps getting pushed around by GODZILLA.  Upon discussion with my husband, we decided that GODZILLA needs to go back to the pet store and make some other person happy.  I will be the first to admit that GODZILLA was a rebound.  I am not attached to that thing in ANYWAY.  It's really for the best for Spidey. 

Don't judge me!

Oh and remember how I told you that I bought Spidey a larger pink shell for him to grow into.  Well once, this happens...he will be having a gender change.  I ACCEPT MY CRAB FOR WHO HE IS.  His new name will be Spiderella! 


The Countdown Has Begun!

It's true!  It's true!  I turn 30 in FIVE DAYS.  We are down to one hand people! 

I think I'm going to be sick!

Tomorrow...we start celebrating.  Well it's not so much celebrating as wanting to smash every clock I see and knock ANYONE out who doesn't even attempt to card me (even if I am ordering a chocolate milk!). 

Well I guess it is celebrating! 

We are celebrating somewhere fabulous!

 There will be fist pumping (in anyone's face that says I look a day over 21) and wild and crazy nights (where I even might stay up past 11 o clock!)

We are heading to :

                                                             Opps wrong picture!

  The Jersey Shore!

When my husband and I first started dating, we spent a lot of time in Wildwood.  It is really where we fell in love...so what better place to get away for my birthday than to a place that is so magical for us.

Just the birthday princess and her man living it up...Snooki style! 

Be jealous...be very jealous ....unless you are younger than me...then let's switch places k?


Does Everything Happen for a Reason?

My thirtieth birthday is glooming overhead. Just nine more days until it’s official. Everyone keeps telling me that thirty is the new twenty. Will someone let my eggs know that?

For so many years I have believed with every ounce of my being that Everything Happens for a Reason. I find myself sitting here now wondering if I was fooling myself. Does everything really happen for a reason? Or do we choose what we want to believe happens for whatever reason that we see fit? I’ve lived my life for a solid sixteen to seventeen years telling myself that each tear I cried would be worth it and every pain I felt would pay off in the end. Did it? I’m not sure it has.

Yes, there have been times where I have seen the reason and it has comforted me. It made sense but was that because I just wanted it to? I feel that lately the world is upside down…..left is right…right is down…I wish I knew if I was moving forward because sometimes it feels like I am just standing still waiting.
As I get older, I have found it harder and harder to believe in the idea of everything coming full circle and happening for a reason. I do not believe that my husband and I have had to painfully wait for this long for our child because of anything good.

I no longer believe it…..that is difficult for me to say.

Whatever it is, I have stopped trying to figure it out…I’ve begun taking it at face value and writing it off to the fact that we have just really, really, really bad luck. Because that’s what it is…it’s a gamble…a probability…a math equation…not some divine form of fate.

Some people will have to endure more in life. It’s as simple as that. It doesn’t have to do with what God gives you to deal with because you are strong and not everything has a reason behind it.

Sometimes your world is a huge game of roulette where you are red sixteen and life keeps coming up green 00!


June 5th 2010 is Wear Green for Wyatt River Day!

As you all know, my friend Courtney lost her third son this week.  After finding out tomorrow is the service....I am declaring Saturday June 5 2010 as WEAR GREEN FOR WYATT RIVER day!

So start planning your outfits.  Shirts...pants....shoes....and don't forget to accessorize my dears!

Fido has gotten into the spirit....will you?!?! 


Money Can't Buy You Class or a Voice!

This has to the the BEST Worst song I have ever heard!  Hey VH1 I have your new awesomly bad song! 

I love how they really make Luann look gorgeous (she REALLY DOES!) so that you can't concentrate on the lyrics or the AWFUL singing!  Synthesized much?

I NEED this as a ringtone!

What is your favorite worst Song?


Friendships: The Courtney Edition!

I'll be the first to admit it.....I thought friends had to be real life people.  People that you could hug when they needed it, call for some shopping and laugh until your sides hurt. 

Everything I thought I knew about friendship has been turned upside down in the past few months.  I lost touch with real life friends that I thought would always be there....our friendships have become mere sentences.  Could it be the infertility that is driving a wedge?  Is it me?  I've felt alone!

In joining twitter, my world opened up to a new kind of friend.  A modern day penpal.  I connected with many woman all over the country and the world that understood what I was feeling.  We bonded over what was missing in our lives and the struggles we have faced.  Infertility was the basis of these friendships but over the course of the months they have become so much more. 

How is it possible to have a close friend that  "lives" in your computer?  I didn't think it was possible.  I was so wrong.  Friendships are about the connections you make...the bonds you share....and learning to lean on someone who is willing to catch you...not the amount of time you get to spend with someone. 

There are so many interesting woman that I have "met".  I feel such strong connections with some of them.  These people have become some of my closest friends.  I adore and care for these girls as I do my "in real life" friends. 

Courtney is one of those girls.  I have never met a more courageous person in my life.  Last year, Courtney and her husband lost their twin boys, Logan and Brody when Courtney developed HELLP syndrome and delivered them at 22 weeks.  Upon reading this blog post, explaining the tragedy, I cried.  I marveled at what Courtney and her husband have been through. 

Her strength was remarkable.

I told her that every chance I got. 

Courtney got pregnant again.  Despite being nervous, she had tests done to see if she would develop HELLP again.  Tests were negative.  She anxiously held her breath until she passed the 22 week mark (just a few weeks ago) with her new little boy.  She celebrated being past that point.....stated on her blog that she finally felt like she could breathe a little easier. My heart couldn't have been happier for her!

On Monday, Courtney delivered Wyatt at 23 weeks due to an incompetent cervix.  She lost another son.  Precious Wyatt joined his big brothers Logan and Brody in Heaven.  I was shocked to my core upon reading the news.  I laid in bed and cried. 

The unfairness......the pain......the agony of losing another child....I would do anything to take that away from her.  I have never met Courtney in person....yet I grieve for her loss...I grieve for her sons.  I worry about how her and her husband will get through this (again?!?!?) and I am incredibly angry at the unfairness of it all. 

There will never be enough words to comfort her. Never enough hugs that would take the pain away.  Never an answer to all the questions she has..........

.......but I will always have words of comfort ready when she wants to hear them,

hugs ready (even if they are virtual) when she needs to feel them,

and a shoulder for her to lean on when she can't stand up on her own. 

Please say a prayer for my dear friend Courtney, her husband Jason and their three precious angel boys tonight. 

Some people come into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts and we are never ever the same.

-- Flavia Weedn