I have a strange, weird obsession with the Kardashians. I love, Love, LOVE to watch any show about that family. It is religiously taped on my DVR. I don't know what it is ...I just LOVE it! (oh...stop...you know you are a closet Kardashian fan too!). I knew that last night was the season finale....I knew that Kourtney (the oldest pregnant sister) was going to have her baby. What I didn't know is what watching that would do to me...
It started out OK...About midway, watching her baby shower, I felt a huge wave of sadness fall over me...I was sure it was jealousy...because of the extravagance of her shower. But then her water broke...and my water works started! I couldn't suppress them...I tried but I got that huge knot in my throat like I swallowed a bowling ball. So I let myself cry. Aren't I allowed to do that? After a very infertile three and a half years, shouldn't I be allowed to have a pity day?!? Good...I think so too...Today is that day!
I watched her deliver her baby through my tears. For the first time in my life, the idea of having a natural birth didn't scare me. I'm a wuss...I hate pain. I have always said that I want a C-section and I am totally OK with being knocked out for it! Now I hear they keep you awake...but if I can't see or feel anything...bring it on! I've seen a birth. I had the joy of being in the room with my sister when my nephew was born. The scene could only be described as a scene out of a war movie....things were ripping...people were crying...blood was everywhere...really traumatic stuff (except for my sister, who was enjoying her epidural). I swore, swore, swore I wasn't going to do that...until today.
It's a TV show...a reality show at that...and it affected me. There I said it. My sadness turned into pure anger which was the wrong time for my husband to call me. Holy Psycho Bitch Batman! I snapped..was yelling at him for stupid things....over going food shopping....Is someone slipping me Provera? I knew instantly after hanging up I was wrong and I soon apologized. My husband is truly amazing...I'm not sure I would have been able to forgive myself so quickly...but he just said "It's OK...It happens".
I need to learn to STAY AWAY from Facebook when I am like this. What is it about Facebook announcements that feels like it is taking my heart and ripping it into pieces? It has been one after another..Alright already I get the point...you all are having babies and I am not! I'm jealous...there I said it! I am jealous as all hell! It kinda feels like when you are dating a guy for a long time and EVERYONE is getting married around you...but you! I keep telling myself ...it took awhile but we got married in the end and I am holding on firmly to that belief that good things come to those who wait! It did with my marriage...and it will with my baby.....(just please be soon k?)
Posted by Amaprincess at 10:32 PM
IComLeavWe: Join the Conversation
Happy February ICLW Week!!! For those of you who are stopping by for the first time...welcome...take a look around (and follow me!).
My husband and I have been trying to conceive since August 2006. We just completed our third IUI and are currently in the two week wait.....ahh that fabulous and magical time....You can read my thoughts on the two week wait here! We are on a mission to get pregnant by my 30th birthday in June....it's number one on my Dirty Thirty list (read about that here).
I also have a blog called Once Upon a TTC Time over at conceiveonline.com
Ready to be BFF's?
Posted by Amaprincess at 9:33 PM
Thank you to Daneen over at His and Her Infertility for the award!
I have to list 10 Things That Make My Day and then list 10 Blogs worthy of this award as well, and then you'll have the award and they'll have the award too. Don't forget you'll have to do the same... list 10 Things and 10 Blogs to earn the award (then of course copy the pic of the award to your computer and paste/upload the award pic to your own blog post saying that you received this award with your 10 and 10). Sounds confusing but not really and leave me a comment if you are confused I'll help you. Here goes...
- Seeing my husband smile and hearing him laugh
- Making my bed, so that I can get into a made bed later that night.
- Tweeting with the awesome people I have met through twitter
- Talking to my mom on the phone
- Watching Days of Our Lives
- Listening to my Pandora station which is set to New Kids on The Block (it has the BEST 80's music)
- Getting to talk to my nephew on the phone
- Having a good nights sleep the night before
- Spending a ridiculous amount of time on my iphone every day
Ten Blogs for this award
Posted by Amaprincess at 1:04 PM
We did our third IUI this morning (take one was this morning...take two is tomorrow). Hubby and I are both feeling really good about it this time. I had two follicles (the most I have ever had...I normally only get one) and the doctor said his count was great this morning....I think this is it!
Dr. Whispers came in to do my IUI. I can not stress enough how much I adore this doctor! He is just too adorable (remember not in a sexy way...in a grandpa way). He was joking around with us...totally made us feel comfortable....and when he left...he crossed his fingers and said "I hope this is it for you both". There was no generic casino style "good luck"...it was heartfelt ...and he meant it....I LOVE LOVE LOVE him!
We had a new doctor yesterday....one I named Dr. Meteorologist because it felt like he was reading a weather report while doing my ultrasound. I wrote about him over on conceive...you can read about that here!
Have I told you how much I love my husband lately? Over the weekend, we passed by babies r us. I sighed deeply and my hubby looked at me and said "Wanna go in and register under fake names?". I'll admit the idea was intoxicating for a few brief seconds...but we didn't! I love that he gets me.
So IUI take two is tomorrow and we begin two week waiting! At least the agony of my two week wait will be shared with the agony of giving up soda and candy for lent (which started today). This might be a Provera type disaster for my poor husband.
I was reading a fabulous new blog I found The Subfertile Frugalista. This is my type of blog. I was exploring around on her page and found her Dirty Thirty. Ms Subfertile Frugalista is also turning thirty this year and she has developed a list of things she wants to accomplish by her thirtieth birthday! Well I just loved this idea...and knew it was something I need to do!
So without further ado...here is my dirty thirty list! The first fifteen are things I hope to have accomplished BEFORE my thirtieth birthday...the last fifteen are things I hope to accomplish IN my thirties!!! Some things I know I will accomplish already, some I hope to accomplish...but they will all make me extra fabulous!
Before I am Thirty-
1. Get Pregnant- I'm on a mission.....
2. Obtain my Master's Degree
3. Visit Puerto Rico
4. Go on my first cruise
5. Find a better job
6. Learn Italian...Hello Rosetta Stone!
7. Get 100 blog followers
8. See a Broadway Show (I don't do this enough)
9. Lose weight (This will not count if I get pregnant)
10. Successfully give up candy and soda for lent
11. Finish the Sookie Stackhouse books
12. Make a donation to St. Jude's Children's Hospital
13. Try to eat five new foods (I tend to be a creature of habit)
14. Try 25 new recipes (see above!)
15. Buy a new purse
In My Thirties:
16. Complete my family
17. Visit Italy
18. Cruise the Mediterranean
19. Visit Alaska
20. Visit Canada
21. See the Niagara Falls
22. Taking a Boxing Class
23. Learn how to sew/knit/crochet
24. Own a Louis Vuitton
25. Visit London
26. Pay off Credit card debt
27. Buy a house
28. Buy a new car
29. Take lots of pictures
30. Continue my blog... become a Mommy Blogger..and get to 500 followers!
Posted by Amaprincess at 11:02 PM
To the man who holds the key to my heart:
If someone would have told me twelve years ago that I would be here, married to you..I would have laughed. We were friends....best friends at that....I knew even then BEFORE we started dating that I could trust you with my life. It was only through a simple twist of fate, my love, that we fell in love.....had my prom date not cancelled on me....had your mother not told my mother how happy you were to go with me.....had we not had an amazing night and an even more amazing following few weeks...I'm not sure I would be sitting here today...in the same room, sharing my heart as your wife.
Can a girl be any luckier? I did my share of dating. It wasn't until I was in the comfort of your arms that I knew that "god blessed the broken road that led me straight to you". Every tear I had cried and every heart break I had felt brought me to you...prepared me for our relationship...I knew I was leaving for college...and I knew I couldn't let go.
A long distance relationship for eight years? Baby, we broke the odds....Our relationship wasn't all rainbows and butterflies....it took a lot of work...work I never minded doing...work that although may have been tedious was worth every bead of sweat. It was bumpy there for awhile..but I firmly believe we got the rough stuff out of the way and it will be smooth sailing from here!
People often marvel at the fact that our relationship was long distance ....hindsight...I wouldn't have it any other way. We have been together so long that we grew up together and we were able to do it individually....you became the wonderful man I married! How great is it that we share the same high school stories? I love that each day I think I know everything there is to know about you (let's not kid ourselves...I KNOW A LOT!) and each day you surprise me. I love our jokes. I love the silly things you say that make me laugh at all points of the day. I love that I know your jokes before you say them.
I'm proud of us! Infertility can tear many people apart...but us...it brought us closer. We are a team in this. We will conquer this together and there will be no greater joy in my heart than when we bring home our child. I fall in love with you every day as we plan our future together. You are my best friend...always have been ...always will be. I wouldn't trade our life and love for anything in the world.
Posted by Amaprincess at 10:08 PM
This is my 100th post folks! You have read and listened to my ramblings 100 times (and I love every one of you for it!). I have been racking my brain trying to come up with a fabulous 100th post....then I saw the Google Commercial from the Superbowl and knew I had it!
In case you aren't familiar with the commercial you can view it here:
Got the tissues handy? After observing that commercial during the Superbowl last night (which yes I did watch because my husband loves it and I secretly wanted The Saints to win because I love Kim Kardashian!) I said to my husband "well isn't that just a slit your wrists commercial?!?". I mean isn't that how life is supposed to be...you find the perfect person...you do anything you can to impress them....you make the relationship work...then comes marriage and a baby....RIGHT??!?!?
I think google forgot a step....what about googling " The best reproductive endocrinologists in your area" or "the cost of iui and ivf"? Where is the plain frustration google " why can't I get pregnant" or the ever popular "how do I get pregnant?". How many hours are spent on looking up information on all those acronyms (IUI, IVF, PCOS, HSG, FET etc ...you get the point).
I had so many emotions watching that commercial....I felt connected to it when they typed " long distance relationship advice" and then "jobs in Paris" because I have been there with my husband. (NOT PARIS...I WISH...). I googled about places for us to go. I googled about things to say to him in Italian. I even googled the perfect church for us. And just as I was all wrapped up in my sentiment and emotions ...I see " How to assemble a baby crib?". OUCH!
Let's discuss the logistics of the commercial for a second. Besides me cursing those fertile French women, it is so obvious that he purchased the crib in IKEA. Has anyone ever tried to put together furniture from IKEA? Definitely google worthy. Also who doesn't know what a truffle is?!?!? If he has the money to study abroad, then he should know what a truffle is! (yum chocolate)
After watching all these reality shows about being pregnant (hey have you read my conceive blog about it babies babies babies and bellies bellies bellies ) and watching commercials like this or promos for the new show parenthood...I feel ....well I feel forgotten about. Not me personally per say...but us as a generation of woman who struggle to find that piece of their hearts and lives that is missing. Shows now will touch on the issues but it is still something we find shocking to see (Ugly Betty anyone?)...yet we deal with it on regular basis. My beloved soap opera Days of Our Lives (from which I get my dramatic acting lessons from) started to touch on it too...but just on Friday when they were really opening up about it ..the girl realizes she's late and might be pregnant. I want to see a show that gets into the heart of it....a show that allows woman like me to identify to the characters and find comfort in the somewhat "normalcy" of it all.
It's not just TV either....I feel the aches when I read about all these fun things mommy bloggers get to do. The special conferences they have....the twitter parties....I feel like a teen left out of the prom. So on my 100th post...I am taking a stand and screaming from the roof tops "I am un-fertile (thanks for the term Becca...Love it) and I am Fabulous". I may not get to do all this fun mommy type stuff yet ...but the experiences this has brought me (both the pain and the joy) has truly made me a better person. The people I have connected with, like you my dear readers, have provided an unbreakable wall of security around my heart. There are times where this wall will crack ...and pieces of it may crumble but it's there and I feel it!
Being Un-fertile and Fabulous is the new black .....Wear it well my friends!
Posted by Amaprincess at 12:51 PM
You all will be happy to know that I am continuing my rebel streak....I didn't go to my day three appointment...That's right Damn the Man ...Save the Empire (Wait...what?!?). I would like to thank Mother Nature for her help in getting me out of it! Have I told you lately how much I LOVE snow?!!?
So back on Clomid again we go! I started last night. This is our fifth straight month taking Clomid (and hopefully our last). Of course the Clomid did not help my insomnia last night. I swear it felt like I woke up every two hours.....ugh so frustrating!!!
On another note, the good catholic girl that I am has decided what I am giving up for lent this year. The purpose is three-fold really....I shouldn't love these things as much as I do, it will definitely help with with the whole weight thing (as long as I don't replace them when something else that's equally bad) and I am kinda hoping that god will take notice of my willingness to abandon something I love so dearly and then he will finally decide it is time for me to get pregnant! .... so I'm giving up candy and soda! There I said it...I'll let that settle in for a moment with you......I can see you are all shocked!!! I know it will be a struggle but I CAN DO THIS!!!
So off to the store I go ...to buy food for a game I don't care about! Its pretty ironic. I spend all year watching TV through my DVR so that I don't have to watch commercials and during the Superbowl ...I would LOVE to fast forward the game and just watch the commercials! Happy Superbowl Sunday everyone!
Posted by Amaprincess at 11:09 AM
SHE came! I saw! I conquered....I DIDN'T CRY!!! That's right my loyal bleeps....no tears from this chica's eyes!!! I feel OK!
I knew it was coming and I didn't try to kid myself....we missed it! I did my grieving for my unconceived child and I made peace with it. I stood firm with Nurse Christmas about not going in for my appointment this morning and it paid off.
I will never go in on the day they want me to again. I mean is it ever really smart to go in for blood work on the day she is due in town? I will tell Nurse Christmas tomorrow that I would like to be brought in on day 35 (not day 31 like they have been bringing me in on)...that way if I am late....I am late!
So back onto round three for the IUI!!! Please let this be FERTILE FEBRUARY!!!!
P.S. If you have noticed I always use the word she when referring to my womanly "blessing". I can't stand using AF (Aunt Flo)....It truly creeps me out!!! Like heebie jeebies and everything....For me, an aunt is a lovable part of the family....she is not lovable and definitely not someone I would call family! There is my reasoning (plus the idea of it makes me gag).
Posted by Amaprincess at 10:31 PM
I have been having insane insomnia....EVERY NIGHT....I am able to fall asleep with no problem and then bam (not an Emeril type bam...just a normal bam)I wake up after about four hours of sleep and CAN NOT fall back asleep....
So this morning my insomnia started early...at like 2:15....as I laid in bed and stared at my clock I realized It's Groundhog's Day (insert cheesy line from movie because everyone has been spewing them all day). I don't quite understand the point of Groundhog's Day. Spring doesn't start until March 21 REGARDLESS! To be honest, I thought it was more of a thing for the kids....ya know a silly little craft to make in school (I used to do one with my kindergarten class where we colored groundhogs, glued them to a Popsicle stick, cut a slit in the bottom of a paper cup and put the groundhog inside the cup with the stick poking out the bottom. The kids could then make the groundhog pop up...It was cute).
As I am laying in my sleepless wonderland last night I got to thinking....how cool would it be if there was something like a Groundhog's Day for infertiles? Let's say a cute animal (maybe a bunny) pops his head out and lets you know if you are going to get pregnant! Instead of going to the RE on day three you can go see the Fertility Bunny (or maybe it should be a frog ...so it rolls off the tongue better....fertility frog...hmmmm). They could let you know if your cycle would work...Wouldn't you pay to know that info!?!?? I haven't worked out all the details yet. Maybe I'll do that when I can't sleep tonight!
I know you are all thinking "This is brilliant! I can't believe I never thought of this before". It's true...my true genius thoughts come when I am tired....
Just wait to see what I crank out after I have a baby =)
P.S. No blood work for me tomorrow! Nurse had no problem with scheduling for Monday (which I most likely won't make it til...She is due over the next few days!)
Posted by Amaprincess at 7:52 PM