12.04.2010

Where Are You Christmas?

For the past thirty years of my life ...I have been a lover of all things Christmas.  Yes I am the one that starts listening to Christmas music WAY before I should.  Yea I am the one who has NO problem waking up at an ungodly hour to go shopping on Black Friday.  I am even that person that can drive around for HOURS looking at Christmas lights and listening to the same Christmas songs I have been listening to since I was little (oooo and add some hot chocolate in the mix and I am set).  I'm the first one to be ready to decorate and it normally looks like Santa puked in my house. 

To be clear...I'm a little crazy. 

However, I am JUST NOT FEELING IT this year.  The music isn't as exciting.  The movies I adore aren't as enticing (I even SHUT OFF the Santa Clause people!!) and decorating has been like pulling teeth....seriously.....JUST NOT FEELING IT. 

I thought after years of dreading the holidays due to my infertility, I would be insanely excited this year.  I'm not and to be honest it depresses me.  Maybe it's this insane cold I have that makes me not want to do anything.  Maybe its my impending root canal that is putting a damper on this joyous holiday season.  Maybe it's because we won't see any immediate family this year....The first time in my thirty years of life I don't get to spend Christmas with my family. 

Maybe I just want my daughter to be healthy and perfect and nothing else matters to me right now.  She has a slight issue (one I will not be discussing in detail on here)....and yet no matter how minute the issue may turn out to be or how small everyone wants me to believe it is.....the concern is there....the worry is there....

Maybe that's what it is......Maybe it's all of it. 

All I know is that each time I turn on my tree....my hearts not in it. The singing of my favorite Christmas carols seems mundane. Each time someone asks me what I want....the answer is not material....it can not be bought. 

I guess you can say, in a way, I've grown up. 

Mark the occasion- Dec 2010 - the end of my innocence

But what really matters.....

2011- The beginning of Sweet Pea's. 

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