12.06.2010

The One Where I Let It All Out......

I've been driving myself crazy.  I never quite realized what was going on until I watched the Sex and the City movie the other night.  It hit me like an epiphany.  The subject is taboo in the infertility world.....a world I have identified with for so many years. 

Pregnancy after infertility

These are my opinions and feelings....I ask you not to judge. 

The getting pregnant part isn't the issue.  Although it does bring about an insane amount of jealousy in those who are still waiting (I know...I have been there many times).  When you are infertile and dealing with all the infertile issues....the mental, emotional, spirtual, social and physical issues.....there is a common knowledge that pregnant people should not complain.  They are the lucky ones.....so many of us would trade our souls to the highest bidder to be able to be in those shoes! I sat for many years and watched others get pregnant and then judged when they complained about anything.  I just KNEW when it finally happened to me I would be ecstatic all the time, walking on cloud 9 and never have anything bad to say....

This is not the case....

Let me make this very clear...I am not talking about complaining about swollen ankles, or back pain, or morning sickness (even though I know personally how awful that can be).  I would gladly take those things any day....

I'm talking about the mental and emotional issues that have derived from finally having something you have wanted so bad for so many years. 

PURE FEAR.

During my years of dealing with infertility I looked for support.  Support that I so desperately needed...support that I have graciously found.  I found people who identified with me....people who were going through the same things.  Each person had their own story....each story was often heart-wrenching and personal.  These stories helped me to bond with these people....create a bridge between two completely separate lives.  These bonds I built with these people, whether in person or through the computer helped me survive some of the lowest points in my life.  To say I will be forever grateful is an understatement. 

However, along with each story I heard, my mind subconsciously began to build a rolodex of heartache.  I didn't ask my mind to do this....TRUST ME ....I would have preferred it didn't.  I remember almost every detail of each sad story I heard because they affected me to the core. This rolodex stayed shut and locked up.....until I heard I was pregnant. 

This is so hard for me to say, but for the past six months I have been living in fear of something going wrong.  In the beginning I wrote it off to first trimester jitters....It's normal to be paranoid in the first trimester right?  I so waited for that day when I hit the second trimester because I would be able to breathe a lot more easily.  Here I am at 23 weeks still waiting for that day.  Don't get me wrong, I have calmed down a little (a very little).....and I do feel relief whenever I feel her kick or move.....but the constant fear is always there....ALWAYS

In watching the Sex and the City movie, Charlotte expresses how terrified she is that something will go wrong in her pregnancy because "No one gets to have it all".  Watching this moment was like getting punched in the stomach.  It made sense.  I have been driving myself crazy with this in my head for months and I couldn't explain it.....I now have the words. 

I am dealing with Infertile Survivors Guilt

This rolodex in my mind along with the many years of having a broken heart and soul have me partially convinced that I don't deserve to be happy. 

I know deep down in my heart I do....

...However this emotional wall has come and built itself up....

This has become a DAILY struggle.

I find myself CONSTANTLY telling myself that I do deserve to be this happy.  Many Many people go on to have happy and healthy babies after infertility and just when I start to feel ok...my rolodex opens and because I can't explain why those bad things have happened to those good people...I can't logically believe that I will not be one of them. 

I can honestly say that I count my blessings for sweet pea EVERY morning I wake up and EVERY night when I lay my head down to sleep.  I truly know that deep down in my heart this can be taken from me at any minute. 

This fear has become my survival. 

I turn white with every little unknown pain. 

This is no way to live....I am fully aware of that.  If you have any ideas how to make it stop..please feel free to share.....I have been trying to change it for many months. 

For my sanity....I have had to stop almost all blog reading (for now) and I have had to take a step back from twitter.  My heart can not handle these stories because my emotional being believes I am one bad moment away from becoming one of them. 

A modern day pregnant hypochondriac ...in a sense. 

I need to work on getting this wall down.  I knew those years of struggling for sweet pea would cause some emotional damage.....

.......I just had no idea how much.  

P.S.......As I have stated before, these are my feelings...my thoughts...my issues.....I ask you to respect that.  I started a few years ago blogging as a form of therapy....with the good and the bad.  This has been something that has been weighing heavily on my heart and I needed to get it out...free of judgment or the label of someone trying to fix me. 

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