When One Door Closes.......


The year of the roller coaster....the year of the ups, downs and gut wrenching moments. 

I spent the first half of the year trying to get pregnant and the next half the year praying I stayed pregnant.

I finished my masters degree!

We went on our first cruise!

I turned thirty and realized that God laughs at you when you make plans (which is so evident from my pregnancy the month AFTER I turned 30 and cried about not having the family I always wanted).

We had the happiest day of our life on July 23....finding out after four years of trying that we were finally going to have a baby....

We also had the most terrifying morning of our lives a few weeks later when we thought we were losing Sweet Pea. 

I've met some new amazing people.....people who have surprised me with their kindness...people who have become dear friends who I know will be around for a lifetime. 

We moved.

I have managed after 12 years together,  to fall deeper in love with my husband.  To fully comprehend that I would be empty and lost without him in my life.  To be grateful for his love and support EVERY day.... There is something to be said about the harmony we have found in each other. 

I close this year feeling blessed.   Understanding that each moment is precious....every dream is worth fighting for....and hope is how you get from the lows to the highs. 

I shut the door on 2010 and take a deep breath. 


A year full of excitement

A year full of my dreams

The year of my dear Sweet Pea.

The year I will finally become a mother.


What. A. Day!

What an exhausting 24 hours......

It all started last night when I just HAD to go to sleep early....however...It was one of those sleeps where you really aren't in a deep sleep.  I was tossing and turning...over...and over....and over....

I had gotten up to use the bathroom and checked my phone and had an email from a dear blog follower just checking to make sure I was ok because I hadn't posted in awhile.  Over the last few weeks, I was feeling more comfortable in my pregnancy, especially because I am able to feel little Sweet Pea's movements.  I wrote back with confidence that everything was great and that I was busy. 

Insert the heartburn from hell......I couldn't lay down without it feeling that my chest was on fire.  So I sat up....it was about 2:15 this time and I started to play on my computer.  I remembered about the eclipse and started to watch it from our sky lights.  It was amazing.  I read somewhere that it only happens once every 2000 years.  I laughed to myself because I feel the same way with pregnancy and me! 

I finally feel asleep about 3:30ish. 

I awoke this morning as my husband was getting ready to take his shower...I told him I had to pee first.  I ran into the bathroom...did my business and wiped as usual.  Now awhile ago I had written a blog post how I was a TPI agent (toilet paper inspector...click HERE to read) during our fertility treatments.  However, after the scare in August my TPI agent status remained on full alert.  I examine the paper closely EACH time I pee....yes you might think its gross and yes it is exhausting but I need it for my piece of mind!  So I examined this morning just like every other and noticed some red dots.  I took a deep breath and wiped again...this time a larger red dot.  I catapulted (that's the best word to describe it) out of the bathroom and told my husband.  I didn't reach full hysteric mode until I wiped again and saw a fair amount of pink.......

This wasn't happening....AGAIN!

I immediately grabbed the phone and called my OB.  In between sobs, I described what I saw.  She ordered me into bed as she paged the Dr (who was in the middle of delivering a C section).  I received a call back shortly after that said "The Dr would like you to head to labor and delivery at the hospital to be monitored". 

Holy waterfall of tears. 

I felt Sweet Pea moving which was an amazing blanket of sanity but I'm not gonna lie...I was scared....shitless! 

As I was getting dressed my mind started to wander and I started to panic about my hairy yeti legs. You might find this very strange....Hell, I do too...but it's what happened!  I hadn't shaved in a bit (don't even ask) and for a VERY brief second I wondered if I had time to do that.  However my vanity took a back seat to my daughter as I figured the worse they could do was point and laugh....it was a bullet I was willing to take (although I continued to be freaked out about it all the way to the hospital).

My focus on my yeti legs kept my breathing more focused and stopped the tears...so I think in a weird way I will be grateful for that.  Here's the thing.  I have always had this fear of something tragic happening and I didn't shave.  I had this conversation with my friend awhile ago who was laughing at me because she thought I was crazy the night I got up to shave at 1 in the morning because my chest felt tight (totally turned into nothing).  Sometimes I get dressed when I don't have enough time to shave the yeti off and pray I don't end up in the hospital.  This even haunts me in my dreams....it's a sick obsession....one I had realized this morning...

Anyway back to this morning....we arrived at the hospital which I had never been too.  I picked it to deliver in after some research.  THE HOSPITAL IS BEAUTIFUL.  We got through the Fort Knox security system to get into labor and delivery (ok maybe that is an overstatement....however, its difficult to get into the labor and delivery area....they were VERY picky with who they were letting in!! AND I loved it!!).  To make a very long story shorter than it already is long....everything is fine. 

The L& D Nurse and On Call Dr....AMAZING!  They put my mind to ease and the nurse even laughed at me when I happened to mention I didn't shave.  She told me "If there was EVER a place where that was ok...it's here!" 

Sweet Pea is doing wonderful....just really keeping us on our toes!!  The Dr felt that this was just a freak thing that happened...that possibly one of the capillaries burst from my cervix (which is thankfully sealed shut!).  He even did a ultrasound of the baby so we could see how well she was doing.  SERIOUSLY LOVE THIS HOSPITAL!!! 

It was today that I decided...I would rather be an over-reactor than an under-reactor.  I spent a huge portion of the beginning of my pregnancy not wanting to call the dr because I didn't want to be "that patient".  However today I realized that I would SO rather be that patient and be on top of every little thing than to have pushed my fears aside and have something go wrong.  I am a worrier...it is who I am....and today I decided it is ok to wear that proudly!  The complete confidence with pregnancy that I have so wished for over the last 25 weeks....I'm ok with not having.  It makes me more diligent...It makes me ask more questions...I'll take some slight confidence with a side of err on the side of caution any day (even thought I aged many years this morning).

I told the staff at the hospital that I do not want to see them before March...

......I hope my darling Sweet Pea was listening!!! 


The One Where I Let It All Out......

I've been driving myself crazy.  I never quite realized what was going on until I watched the Sex and the City movie the other night.  It hit me like an epiphany.  The subject is taboo in the infertility world.....a world I have identified with for so many years. 

Pregnancy after infertility

These are my opinions and feelings....I ask you not to judge. 

The getting pregnant part isn't the issue.  Although it does bring about an insane amount of jealousy in those who are still waiting (I know...I have been there many times).  When you are infertile and dealing with all the infertile issues....the mental, emotional, spirtual, social and physical issues.....there is a common knowledge that pregnant people should not complain.  They are the lucky ones.....so many of us would trade our souls to the highest bidder to be able to be in those shoes! I sat for many years and watched others get pregnant and then judged when they complained about anything.  I just KNEW when it finally happened to me I would be ecstatic all the time, walking on cloud 9 and never have anything bad to say....

This is not the case....

Let me make this very clear...I am not talking about complaining about swollen ankles, or back pain, or morning sickness (even though I know personally how awful that can be).  I would gladly take those things any day....

I'm talking about the mental and emotional issues that have derived from finally having something you have wanted so bad for so many years. 


During my years of dealing with infertility I looked for support.  Support that I so desperately needed...support that I have graciously found.  I found people who identified with me....people who were going through the same things.  Each person had their own story....each story was often heart-wrenching and personal.  These stories helped me to bond with these people....create a bridge between two completely separate lives.  These bonds I built with these people, whether in person or through the computer helped me survive some of the lowest points in my life.  To say I will be forever grateful is an understatement. 

However, along with each story I heard, my mind subconsciously began to build a rolodex of heartache.  I didn't ask my mind to do this....TRUST ME ....I would have preferred it didn't.  I remember almost every detail of each sad story I heard because they affected me to the core. This rolodex stayed shut and locked up.....until I heard I was pregnant. 

This is so hard for me to say, but for the past six months I have been living in fear of something going wrong.  In the beginning I wrote it off to first trimester jitters....It's normal to be paranoid in the first trimester right?  I so waited for that day when I hit the second trimester because I would be able to breathe a lot more easily.  Here I am at 23 weeks still waiting for that day.  Don't get me wrong, I have calmed down a little (a very little).....and I do feel relief whenever I feel her kick or move.....but the constant fear is always there....ALWAYS

In watching the Sex and the City movie, Charlotte expresses how terrified she is that something will go wrong in her pregnancy because "No one gets to have it all".  Watching this moment was like getting punched in the stomach.  It made sense.  I have been driving myself crazy with this in my head for months and I couldn't explain it.....I now have the words. 

I am dealing with Infertile Survivors Guilt

This rolodex in my mind along with the many years of having a broken heart and soul have me partially convinced that I don't deserve to be happy. 

I know deep down in my heart I do....

...However this emotional wall has come and built itself up....

This has become a DAILY struggle.

I find myself CONSTANTLY telling myself that I do deserve to be this happy.  Many Many people go on to have happy and healthy babies after infertility and just when I start to feel ok...my rolodex opens and because I can't explain why those bad things have happened to those good people...I can't logically believe that I will not be one of them. 

I can honestly say that I count my blessings for sweet pea EVERY morning I wake up and EVERY night when I lay my head down to sleep.  I truly know that deep down in my heart this can be taken from me at any minute. 

This fear has become my survival. 

I turn white with every little unknown pain. 

This is no way to live....I am fully aware of that.  If you have any ideas how to make it stop..please feel free to share.....I have been trying to change it for many months. 

For my sanity....I have had to stop almost all blog reading (for now) and I have had to take a step back from twitter.  My heart can not handle these stories because my emotional being believes I am one bad moment away from becoming one of them. 

A modern day pregnant hypochondriac ...in a sense. 

I need to work on getting this wall down.  I knew those years of struggling for sweet pea would cause some emotional damage.....

.......I just had no idea how much.  

P.S.......As I have stated before, these are my feelings...my thoughts...my issues.....I ask you to respect that.  I started a few years ago blogging as a form of therapy....with the good and the bad.  This has been something that has been weighing heavily on my heart and I needed to get it out...free of judgment or the label of someone trying to fix me. 


Where Are You Christmas?

For the past thirty years of my life ...I have been a lover of all things Christmas.  Yes I am the one that starts listening to Christmas music WAY before I should.  Yea I am the one who has NO problem waking up at an ungodly hour to go shopping on Black Friday.  I am even that person that can drive around for HOURS looking at Christmas lights and listening to the same Christmas songs I have been listening to since I was little (oooo and add some hot chocolate in the mix and I am set).  I'm the first one to be ready to decorate and it normally looks like Santa puked in my house. 

To be clear...I'm a little crazy. 

However, I am JUST NOT FEELING IT this year.  The music isn't as exciting.  The movies I adore aren't as enticing (I even SHUT OFF the Santa Clause people!!) and decorating has been like pulling teeth....seriously.....JUST NOT FEELING IT. 

I thought after years of dreading the holidays due to my infertility, I would be insanely excited this year.  I'm not and to be honest it depresses me.  Maybe it's this insane cold I have that makes me not want to do anything.  Maybe its my impending root canal that is putting a damper on this joyous holiday season.  Maybe it's because we won't see any immediate family this year....The first time in my thirty years of life I don't get to spend Christmas with my family. 

Maybe I just want my daughter to be healthy and perfect and nothing else matters to me right now.  She has a slight issue (one I will not be discussing in detail on here)....and yet no matter how minute the issue may turn out to be or how small everyone wants me to believe it is.....the concern is there....the worry is there....

Maybe that's what it is......Maybe it's all of it. 

All I know is that each time I turn on my tree....my hearts not in it. The singing of my favorite Christmas carols seems mundane. Each time someone asks me what I want....the answer is not material....it can not be bought. 

I guess you can say, in a way, I've grown up. 

Mark the occasion- Dec 2010 - the end of my innocence

But what really matters.....

2011- The beginning of Sweet Pea's. 


Sweet Pea....The Baby Genius!

Over the last couple of weeks, something wonderful has been happening.  It's hard to describe and the thought of it brings me to laughter and tears. 

I can finally feel Sweet Pea kicking. 

My little girl has been becoming more active by the day. 

This morning, I was sitting and watching some TV when my little one woke up.  I felt a few kicks...and marveled at how weird and wonderful it is!

I was laughing when I realized it!

My baby is a genius already.

She's using Morse code to communicate with us. 

Of course, she was saying good morning to me this morning and thanking me for her yummy breakfast of orange juice and Corn Chex cereal (YUM!!!!). 

Here is Sweet Pea's guide to Morse code....ENJOY!

  • There has been a random kick almost each time I get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night.  This is Sweet Pea's way of saying " Hey Mom...Is it time to get up yet?  No?  Oh you are getting back into bed?  Ok back to sleep!" 
  • We went to see the Radio City Christmas Spectacular over the weekend.  I did not feel her kick once until the curtains raised during the nativity scene and showed the manger on stage with baby Jesus.  She started kicking like crazy. (In a hormonal moment of insanity, I burst into tears.  Listening to Hark the Herald Angels song and seeing the true meaning of Christmas with feeling her kick was too much for this emotional sap) That was her way of saying " I love your beliefs mom and dad.  Always remember I am god's gift to you".  
  • After the show, she was kicking up a storm on the way home.  This was her way of telling us " I can dance as good as those Rockettes!!! See?" 
  • While listening to Christmas music, she was moving and grooving up a storm.....until Feliz Navidad came on....She didn't kick once during that song.  That was her way of letting me know "I don't like this song".  We have since began to mute it when it plays =)
  • On Thanksgiving day, I didn't feel her at all while at my husband's cousin's house.  As soon as I got home she was moving like crazy.  Sweet Pea translation "I do NOT like loud noisy places!  Who were ALL those people!?!? I know you are loud Mommy but that was TOO much!" 
So that's Sweet Pea's Morse code system up to date.  Isn't she brilliant?!?!

And YES....I think I will be ONE of those parents...