8.29.2010

Putting Faith in My Beliefs!

It's about to get religious up in here...HATERS need not apply! 

I am in no way pushing my religion...this is my experience with infertility and religion.....

I am Catholic.  I grew up Catholic.  My many experiences with what I learned about my religion really did help to put the fear of God in me.  I believed for many many years that God rewarded those who did right and punished those who did wrong. If something bad happened to me, it must have been a reaction to something I did. As a 30 year old adult...I see how illogical that seems...but regardless it's what I believed. 

This belief in God and my strong belief in fate and "everything happens for a reason" was how I guided my life. How I made the decisions I did.  It's because of these things that I felt punished through my infertility.  I felt like I took a wrong step, made a wrong decision, took a wrong turn somewhere.  For years I tried to figure out what it was.  There was never a satisfying answer....

Honestly, infertility has brought me to the lowest point of my religion.  I didn't understand it. The phrase "God is good" sent me overboard.  I was angry and hurt.  I felt abandoned by my faith...when the truth was I was the one abandoning it.  I watched what people I love went through.  I questioned how there could be a God if there was so much devastation in the world.  To this day...I can not answer that question. 

I examined my beliefs...I questioned my beliefs....I rebelled against my beliefs.  I thought this was the lowest point in my life. 

And then that Sunday morning, when I thought my life was crashing down....when I thought the happiest part of my soul was going to be taken from me....when I didn't know how to take another breath or another step.  I PRAYED. 

I prayed and I pleaded.  At my lowest, I turned to God.  There was so much unknown in that three hour wait in that emergency room bed.  My conversations alternated between my husband and God. 

Hearing the ultrasound tech say "There's that heartbeat" and then seeing my miracle....my baby...fighting.  There were no words.  After years of praying and pleading, He listened. 

I made a promise to him that Sunday morning.  If he took care of my Sweet Pea....if he kept Sweet Pea safe and alive, I would return to him....fully! 

So far, God has held up his end of the bargain...and I have held up mine.  Each Sunday, I go to church and I pray.  I no longer view it as a chore as I once did when I was little.  I'm enjoying my renewed sense of religion. I don't know what tomorrow brings.  I don't know where my life will take me...I believe with all my faith that this journey will put Sweet Pea safely into my arms in about seven and a half months! 

I'm not going to pretend I have all the answers or try to understand why we had to go through what we did.  I'm just gonna state that I fell away from God....................................and he picked me up when I needed it. 


Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.
-Martin Luther King, Jr.

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