8.17.2010

The Infertile Pregnancy Identity Crisis

I've been feeling kind of lost.

Twitter was easy before...when I was an infertile who was trying so hard to conceive.   I had never been pregnant before.  I never knew that joy.  There were days when I felt I never would.  Each failed cycle brought me to this cynical dark place of "why me?".  I connected with so many other girls who were feeling the same things.  The comfort was indescribable...at times unbelieveable...and constant. ...Just what we all needed to get through. 

I feel like my positive, drifted me away from the group.  Not intentionally....I feel it just happened.  I've been that person who cried at others positive news. I've been that person (who unfortunately and shamefully) has shunned those who I considered "lucky".  I remember feeling anger at those tweets and blog posts....it wasn't anger with them....it was anger with my situation and later followed with anger for myself as to why I couldn't be happy for someone who has struggled, just as I have. 

I have spent four years feeling angry, cynical, ashamed for what I was feeling because of what we were going through. 

And now honestly, I feel stuck in the middle of the long road.  I've drifted so far away from some of the people who have given me the most comfort and reassurance due to the fact that I don't want to hurt them.  I don't want to answer honestly when they say "how are you feeling?".  I try to turn the conversation about them.  I know that feeling of hopelessness. I thought crossing over into pregnancy would be easy...I automatically assumed that I would know what to say to everyone....and yet I find that it has become a daily struggle....and honestly...it breaks my heart. 

On the other side of the road, is the "lucky ones"...the group I have not been able to let myself into yet.  Fear and angst have prevented me from identifying with them. What if I get comfortable and something goes wrong?  Each time I feel a little bit happy...I remind myself how wrong things can go...Some might say its a neurotic way to live. ...but it keeps me grounded and thankful. 

So I am stuck.  I fear the more I drift closer to the "lucky ones"...the more I will fall farther apart from the ones who kept me going to get to this point.  I don't know how to stop it or what to say.  I feel bad discussing my pregnancy on twitter...so I have been avoiding it as much as I can.  I feel bad discussing with the other "lucky ones" symptoms, progress, or excitement for the future.

And on the other hand, I feel bad trying to give support to those who really need it.  I know how I felt when I was at my lowest points getting advice from a "lucky one".  I HATE doing that to someone.  I HATE hurting other people. 

I'm still trying to figure this all out...how to keep the support that has gotten me through hell and enjoy what I have waited four years for.

A dear friend of mine said to me "I know how to be infertile.  I don't know how to be pregnant".   It couldn't be a more true statement!

Advice anyone?

0 comments: