IUI 6.2 -The Candy Land Edition

So this morning I had IUI 6.2!  Can I just start by saying that I have never been so tired in my life?!?  I was walk-into-the-wall-almost-fall-off-the-toilet tired!!  Tired but excited!  I get to sleep in tomorrow!!!!

We got to the office and I see the Dr. Ouch is listed as the doctor.  I am sitting in the waiting room and who comes running in the office...DR NOOB...obviously late..which maybe if he didn't slick his hair back to the point where it looked greasy and nasty he wouldn't have been late! I mean seriously I think he is auditioning for the role of The Fonz in a movie...YUCK! 

Dr Noob + my IUI= Lord help us all! 

My stomach seriously fell.  The man didn't do such a great job with my ultrasound.  There was a lot of um....fumbling....so the idea of him doing an IUI for me...seriously worried me (as it truly should have!)

So we get in the room and I am still secretly praying that by some form of god he wouldn't come into the room....Maybe he spilled coffee all over himself and needed to go home and change...Maybe his cat ran away...ANYTHING to keep him away from my Candy Land! 

Speaking of Candyland..Here is Dr. Noob:

He isn't fat by any means....that's not why I chose this as his character.  Gloppy is probably the size of the amount of hair gel this guy uses....gloppy.....hair gel....get it?.  ANYWAY...moving on......

Dr. Gloppy Noob is escorted in by Dr. Ouch!  My husband immediately turned to Dr Ouch and asked "You aren't doing the procedure today?"  Her reply was no...he is.   The sound of her voice made me nervous.  I should have ran out pantless at that moment!

He asked me to scooch down to the point where my behind was like hanging off the table.  Weird request number one!  This is my sixth cycle of IUI's so my twelfth total.  I have never been positioned like that.  So here I am with my Candy land board just hanging out for the two doctors and nurse to see. 

I figured that this guy graduated medical school...so the speculum shouldn't have been a problem right?  WRONG!  The first one felt like my insides were being ripped...tears were coming out of my eyes.  Onto number two....didn't work again.  Dr. Ouch had to leave the room to find another one.  I seriously looked at my husband and shook my head.

This isn't rocket science people! I'm sure my husband could figure how to put the garlic press/salad tongs looking thing in....

So finally we have the speculum in....and then ...DR. Gloppy Noob can't find where to put the soldiers.  I COULDN'T MAKE THIS STUFF UP PEOPLE.  After toying around for what felt like 50 years but was probably 5 minutes (he obviously must have gotten stuck in the Molasses Swamp...You lose a turn), Dr. Ouch (my new hero) literally pushed him out of the way and completed the procedure herself.  After it was complete...you could see in her eyes how bad she felt as she was asking me if I was ok. 

My IUI 6.2 should have lasted about 5 minutes...instead it took about 15!  AWKWARD! 

Dear Universe, I firmly believe that I have paid my dues for getting pregnant...so make that happen k?

Fingers crossed...I'm feeling really good about this one =)


lowfatlady said...

Ohy that sounds awful. So sorry he didn't know what he was doing and he made it painful. I love the game candy land by the way. I hope this works!

Holly said...

you are seriously cracking me up with all the candyland innuendos! fingers are super tightly crossed that this time you win!

Pregnant Yuppy said...

Yikes! Is Dr. Noob an intern or something? That's ridiculous! At our RE's office they have the nurses do the IUI's (all female). Mine was over in 2 minutes and I never felt a thing!

Fingers crossed that IUI 6.2 is your BFP cycle.

Ashley said...

Ouch! That sounds horrible!! And yes this is your month! :)

Josey said...

Ugh, that totally sucks. You totally deserve a BFP this cycle!!

Kaitlin said...

YIKES! I'm so sorry about Dr. Noob. My fingers a crossed that this is it!!!

Katie said...

OUCH! What an idiot. I would say something to one of the other doctors about him. Can't you request not to see this goof? Ugh. In any case, I hope this IUI works so you don't have to worry about this moron putting you through pain again. Fingers crossed!

Waiting Lisa said...


Well, maybe he took so long b'c he was making sure everything was absolutely perfect....and this will be THE one. That's what I am hoping for.

FINGERS CROSSED for you!!!!!!


Whitney said...

Good thing Dr Ouch was the one to actually do it! Thanks for sharing one truly awkward experience with us, haha...Gloopy Noob. Love it!

Just Me...C said...

Oh geez. Really? I don't know that I could have been so nice. Besides, I ONLY allow females down there b/c the way I see it, they know it b/c they have it! Yes, you have indeed paid your dues. Fingers crossed this time is the charm!

Tillie said...

Yikes!! I pray this will be the story you can tell your teen one day!! I'm sorry it was so bad! Fingers crossed for you!

liberalgranolagirl said...

WOW-I would've come undone! Hopefully this rough IUI will end in a BFP <3