Infertile Identity Crisis

I'm having a bit of an infertile identity crisis.

Our last cycle did not work.  So it is definitely official.  I am NOT pregnant by my 30th birthday.

I feel like I have just been thinking and trying to figure it all out...because once you let your dreams go, where do you turn to for hope?

30 was an important milestone for me (maybe not for others but it was for me).  I feel like it was the gateway between you have all the time in the world to hurry up the battery life on your biological clock is running out.  30 always seemed so far away but it crept up....appeared like a dreaded pimple on the face of a teen who is attending her prom with her dream date.  I thought of smashing all the clocks, trying to make a deal with mother nature or gravity or something.  But it just appeared

I was supposed to be a mom by thirty....now who am I? 

I'm the girl without the child, that bought a hermit crab (and acquired a fish...IT WASN'T MY IDEA!) just to have something to care for. 

I'm the lady who went shopping for purses to fill the void of not being able to buy diaper bags....the lady who has built a hope chest full of enough clothes to last my future daughter a year.

I'm the wife in this family of two, who has had to look in her husband's eyes and tell him it didn't work again, try to come up with some excuse for why it has taken four years, and smile as I pray that I don't see him cry...the way he has seen me cry.  Lord knows I am not strong enough to handle that.

I'm a woman who is learning the ropes, to deal with facing daily heartache, to accept who I am, what has happened to us and the pain that we have endured. 

I am learning every day:
         to accept defeat,
                  to dream new dreams,
                           to allow myself to be who I am, not who I should be,
                                    and to grieve and deal the way I should, not the way you think I should

I'm still trying to figure this all out.  Maybe the answers will come when our child does.....maybe they never will. 

Infertility has changed who I am and I'm learning that that's ok.  I'm pretty awesome....even without the title of mom attached. 

And I know that on that special day that I have dreamt about for sooo soo very long, there will never be more love in room between three people then when my husband and I get to hold our child for the very first time. 


Courtney said...

*hugs* and *tears* as I read this my friend.

I so wish that I could make things easy for you and for all of us. I would pay good money for a damn easy button.

All my love

Whitney said...

Hopefully, it will happen soon. Life never gives us quite what we want, or what we expect.

The Quest For Baby Hang said...

I feel the same way as you. I am having an infertile identity crisis as well. Who am I? Other than a sick wife who is a mother to 3 children in Heaven. I try and try to figure out everything and why I (us all) must go through this. I felt the in the need to care for something by having 5 dogs. I would just on keeping one then two then three then four then five..don't get my wrong, my chi-babies are my LIFE. But I just felt I needed them to feel this very hard hole in my heart. And it does help. Even though they are my babies they are my four legged babies not a two legged baby... I wish there was something I could do for ALL of us to just make us get pregnant and then in 9 months be holding our babies... And it's so hard to tell my husband every month, it didn't work, again. It breaks my heart even more when I see his eyes fill up with tears... *sighs&tears* I do know that we will all get our babies, it's just of the matter of WHEN... Hang in there sweetie. You are not alone, I, we, are all here for you. *HUGE HUGS*


Elizabeth said...

i love what you say praying to be about being who you are not who you should be - exactly how I feel after 5 years of trying to have a baby and 2 miscarriages along the way. x

PCOSChick said...

You are right you are awesome! Please remember that, because you are an amazing lady!

But this journey sadly has left so many of us feeling this way & I agree with Courtney, what we would all give for an Easy Button!


subfertilefrugalista said...

I'm so sorry that you're 30 and not pregnant. This is a great post...tough, but really good. I especially like that you give yourself credit for being great...you ARE!!

The only thing that I can say, and have said all along, is what you did in the end of your post. That our babies will know more love than anybody ever imagined. There is something so truly sweet about wanting that baby more than anything, working so hard to get it, and literally being overwhelmed by love and excitement from everyone in your life. And, for me, coming from a set of parents who didn't care two licks about their kids, I am excited for my baby girl to know that kind of love. It doesn't make the journey easier, but it definitely makes the end result sweeter.

Here's hoping that your 30th year brings you everything you've wanted. And remember, 30's the new 20...so you're still young!! (We'll see if I'm saying that when I turn 30 in August!)

Heather said...

I wish I had a magic wand to make this better...

But you've just given your child such a gift...someday she or he will read this and know how much love her/his parents have! xoxoxo

Keiko said...

This is just beautiful and raw and just so honest. Thank you for this. The biggest challenge of being infertile is constantly redefining yourself when society/friends/family want to pidgeonhole into certain roles. You can still be wife w/o being mom. You can still be mom w/o having biological children. You can still be woman w/o being wife or mother... etc, etc etc.

Until then... we wait, and we hope. That's the best gift you can give yourself for your 30th - the gift of holding onto hope and staying positive.

Mummawannabe said...

I absolutely love your post.......I can relate to every single word of it. Its as if you were reading my mind!

I wish you all the best and hope that your next cycle will be the winner! I am currenly on day 10 of a cycle and hoping and praying for the same thing.

Infertility has changed me, its made me realise just how strong I can be, and I'm sure its done the same to you!

All the best!

Janessa said...

I'm new to your blog, and wanted to offer *hugs*.. It sounds like you've had a long journey! I hope you get that miracle soon. The part that got me was "to allow myself to be who I am, not who I should be" That's so well put. When we are TTC we get so wrapped up in what we 'should' be, what we expected to be that sometimes we forget what we ARE... we are so busy living in the future that we forget to live in the moment.

I look forward to following the rest of your journey, and I hope it's a short one!

Just Me...C said...

This is such a beautiful post. I pray that you will get that BFP soon.

liberalgranolagirl said...

I can totally relate to this post. My goal as a teen was 25, then pushed to 30 (since I wasn't married by 25), then pushed to 32 (the age my mom had me) when I didn't P until I was almost 30. Now I have finally let go of an age goal. it wasn't easy at all but for me, having the age goal put so much more pressure on me and made BFNs that much worse.

I wish that I could wave a magic wand and make all of us mommies right this very second <3

Wanna Be Baker said...

You ARE awesome! Remember that! And, I know that when you do bring a child in to this world, that child will know more love than anyone could imagine. Know that I am always here for you and I love you. :)

jensays said...

hugs to you