6.06.2010

Does Everything Happen for a Reason?

My thirtieth birthday is glooming overhead. Just nine more days until it’s official. Everyone keeps telling me that thirty is the new twenty. Will someone let my eggs know that?


For so many years I have believed with every ounce of my being that Everything Happens for a Reason. I find myself sitting here now wondering if I was fooling myself. Does everything really happen for a reason? Or do we choose what we want to believe happens for whatever reason that we see fit? I’ve lived my life for a solid sixteen to seventeen years telling myself that each tear I cried would be worth it and every pain I felt would pay off in the end. Did it? I’m not sure it has.

Yes, there have been times where I have seen the reason and it has comforted me. It made sense but was that because I just wanted it to? I feel that lately the world is upside down…..left is right…right is down…I wish I knew if I was moving forward because sometimes it feels like I am just standing still waiting.
As I get older, I have found it harder and harder to believe in the idea of everything coming full circle and happening for a reason. I do not believe that my husband and I have had to painfully wait for this long for our child because of anything good.

I no longer believe it…..that is difficult for me to say.

Whatever it is, I have stopped trying to figure it out…I’ve begun taking it at face value and writing it off to the fact that we have just really, really, really bad luck. Because that’s what it is…it’s a gamble…a probability…a math equation…not some divine form of fate.

Some people will have to endure more in life. It’s as simple as that. It doesn’t have to do with what God gives you to deal with because you are strong and not everything has a reason behind it.

Sometimes your world is a huge game of roulette where you are red sixteen and life keeps coming up green 00!

5 comments:

Al Anonymous said...

I wish I knew - I used to think the same that things happen for a reason but the more crap that goes wrong the harder time I have at believing that.

jensays said...

I don't believe everything happens for a reason, I really think that line is bullshit. But on the off chance that things DO happen for a reason, i'd really like to know why some people get things so easily with little effort. what's the reasoning for giving a crack whore all those kids?

S said...

I am one who does not believe everything happens for a reason. When I look around at all the horrible things that happen to people--children born to abusive parents, any kind of random violence, people who are diagnosed with cancer--it seems impossible that there is "a reason" for their suffering.

I do believe that sometimes when a strong person goes through a difficult experience, in looking back, she is able to see that some good came out of it. (I've known a number of crime victims and cancer survivors who have felt this way.) But even if finding some meaning brings comfort and perspective, I do not think it is "the reason" the difficult experience had to be lived through.

P.S. Don't you hate hearing "30 is the new 20"? I will be 40 on my next birthday and hate it when people say "40 is the new 30." Tell that to my aged ovaries!

jenicini said...

I know what you mean. Understanding why this happens and how it effects your life is simply impossible at some point during trying. I wonder how this will change me in the long run... I can tell you that my thirties (despite the reproductive attempts) has been a great time...some things in life just get better.

Radiant Readhead said...

I stumbled upon your blog through courtney's. I want to say, you have a way with words, and I enjoy reading your blogs. I just recently started my own due to the loss of my child, and it has inspired me and help me tremendously!! stop by if you have a chance, if not don't worry bout it. But i truly love reading your life:) and i completely agree with you about the online friends! i feel like i know some of you women better than my own friends in "real life". Also, don't give up on the baby! i just got great news today, that friend of mine who has been trying for 6 years FINALLY got pregnant!!!! I am so happy for her! I will keep you in my list of prayers for baby to come to you!