Vacation Tale #1- An Explosive Train Ride!

Today's guest blogger is Natalie (@karmapearl) from Hope Springs Eternal!  Enjoy (and don't eat while reading this...you might gag or choke on your food from laughing so hard)!

When I was around 11 or 12 years old, I had the worst vacation experience of my life. Lost luggage? Sunburn? Broken down on the side of the road? Hell no. My vacation experience is one that makes the unfortunate series of events that afflicts The Griswolds seem like a luxury vacation. For approximately 12 hours, Satan himself took up residence inside my bowels and unleashed his fiery, hateful fury on my intestines.
This is the story of the time I got food poisoning.
On a train.
We were vacationing in Canada, and traveling from one province to another. I no longer remember where we were going, but it was on an overnight train ride. My mother and father (who had not yet divorced) got a room to themselves and my brother and I got a bunk bed that was kind of in the middle of a hallway. I got the lower bunk, and I remember that I had a window looking outside and a curtain for privacy. I thought it was the COOLEST THING EVER because it was like a little cubby hole, just for me. I can remember kicking back and listening to the Beatles (yes, I listened to the Beatles when I was 12 because I'm fairly certain I was actually born in the 60s) and reading a magazine, gazing out the window at the world passing by before all holy hell broke loose in my bowels.
As I settled into my cozy little bunk for the night listening to Abbey Road, I felt a little bit of discomfort in my stomach. Nothing huge or alarming; just a little uncomfortable. I got out of bed and headed for the communal bathroom down the hallway. If you've ever walked on a train, you know that there's a lot of stumbling involved. I bounced my way to the potty and went in. After sitting for a few moments with no action, I decided to give up and call it a night. I returned to my pillow-filled sanctuary of comfort and settled in to go to sleep. I turned off the light and I remember very distinctly the stomach cramps started soon thereafter. Let me tell you what. I have had menstrual cramps so bad that I threw up. I have impaled my cheek ON A TREE BRANCH (yep, I'm hardcore). I HAVE GIVEN BIRTH TO A HUMAN BEING, and these stomach cramps were the worst pain I've ever felt in my entire life. It was as if someone had gotten a hold of my intestines, had lit them on fire, filled them with ANGRY BEES for good measure and as the icing on the cake, was twisting them into various shapes like you would a balloon animal. I lay there feeling the cramps come in waves when finally I couldn't take it anymore. I shuffle/stumble/bounced my way down the hall to the room where my parents were. I knocked on the door and whined in typical kid fashion, "Mooooom. I don't feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel good."

The door opened and my dad looked at me sleepily. I gave him my best "I'msickpleaseletmecomein" face and my mom instructed him to go sleep in my bed while I came in there with her. Dad, in a half-asleep stupor, made his way pinballing back down the corridor while I snuggled into the lower bunk of my parents' train room.
Now if you've never been in a room on a train, it's approximately the size of a large walk-in closet. It has its' own bathroom, which is about the size of a SMALL closet. Thank GOD for that little private bathroom is all I have to say because about an hour of moaning, groaning and feeling sorry for myself I had to use that bathroom.

A lot. For about 12 hours straight. And it's a damn good thing that we had the privacy, because if I'd had to use that bathroom in the hallway that I'd visited previously, it would have been uncomfortable AND embarrassing.
Folks, this is about to get gross so hang onto your effing hat.
It started with uncontrollable, explosive diarrhea. It was like water - stinky, brown, disgusting water - was coming out of my rear end. If you've ever experienced diarrhea like this, you'll know how terrible and uncomfortable it was. One would think that with the amount of crap (literally) was coming out of me, those stomach cramps would have subsided. But NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. They got WORSE. I sat for minute after minute on the toilet, crapping my brains out and thinking it could not possibly be any worse than this.

Oh, how wrong I was because that's EXACTLY what happened. IT. GOT. WORSE.
Without warning, I began to vomit.
Remember when I said that the train bathroom was about the size of a small closet? This means the opposite wall was approximately 3 feet in front of my face so when I unexpectedly threw up, it hit the wall directly in front of me. I probably started to cry at this point, and my mom (bless her heart) started freaking out. I also started freaking out, and I did what any logical person would do. To ensure I didn't cover the wall in vomit again, I stood up, turned around and bent over to throw up in the toilet.

The force of my upchucking caused another episode of uncontrollable diarrhea. Instead of my mouth facing the opposite wall, it was my rear. I'll spare you the gory details of THAT episode, but I'm sure you can figure out what the result was.
This continued for - and I am not joking - at least eight hours straight. Pooping, puking. Pooping, puking. And all the while those terrible, gut-wrenching stomach cramps had me in their clutches. I honestly and truly thought that I was dying, and anyone who has experienced food poisoning can attest to the feeling. At one point my mom finally acquired a trash can that I could throw up into and called the train staff for help. When my mom opened the door, a nice woman asked if she could help us. She must have caught a whiff of the atrocity that was my waste-covered self and bathroom because her eyes got wide and she said, "Oh, dear God." and slammed the door. A few moments later she came back with a stack of towels and a can of Lysol


Once morning came and the vomiting finally subsided, I was feeling very weak. My dad came strolling merrily down the hall, feeling refreshed and rested. My mother opened the door, shoved my stinking self into his arms, and told him to take me to the showers. NOW. With a look of surprise on his face, she shut the door in his face.

I wouldn't wish food poisoning on my worst enemy. And I certainly would not wish having food poisoning IN A TINY, MOVING CLOSET on them. My experience makes for funny storytelling now, but it used to devastate and humilate me when my mother would regail people with my Bathroom Adventure.
So the next time you lose your luggage, get a terrible sunburn or manage to lose every single one of your credit cards on vacation, count your blessings that you are not cooped up in a small mobile CHAMBER OF DEATH puking and crapping your guts out for 9 hours while racing down the Canadian countryside. Because trust me, you don't want any of that business.
Natalie @ Hope Springs Eternal

~*~ Natalie ~*~

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Jennifer Hajer said...

Am I crazy or did I miss what you ate that made you this sick? Only because I want to cross it off my menu for the rest of my life. Holy Crap.

Jenny said...

Oh my lord, I just sat here crying with laughter.

Unfortunately I have suffered on the intestinal end but not while vomiting at the same time. It actually happened last fall, I'm ashamed to admit, while I was at work. Except I didn't know that's why I was sick until I made it home and I felt like I lost half my insides.

And then, the worst part of it all, I laid down to take a nap, and crapped myself in my sleep. Yes, I will say it right here, I did it in my sleep as a grown woman. How horribly embarrassing. In fact this is the first I've even spoken of it it's that horrible for me.

Honey B. said...

Ohhh, that's HORRIBLE!! You poor thing...and I agree with Jennifer, what did you eat?!

KarmaPearl said...

@Jennifer you didn't miss it. It was either ice cream, or beef stew. Only two things I ate that night at dinner. I couldn't THINK about beef stew for MONTHS without shuddering.

Saffy said...

Dude, I've been SICK but never SICK ON A TRAIN/PLANE. OMG. You poor thing!!!

Christine said...

OMG! I feel horrible at how hard I laughed at this tale. I am also curious as to what you ate that did that to you

Patti said...

Ooooh, I couldn't laugh with this- not at all! I had this type of HELL while big, huge and eight months preggers! While retching, pooping and dying... and you honestly feel like something is taking over your body...my Grandma was holding my hair back and telling me- "don't bear down"...HUH? I am trying to stay ALIVE!
My bad food was a corned beef sandwich- what was yours?

KarmaPearl said...

The food of death was either ice cream, or beef stew. I had both that night so I don't know what the offending food was. Ugh.