4.23.2010

Project IF: What IF I am Never Myself Again?

 A few weeks back I posted a great article from Resolve.org about how to deal with a couple who is dealing with infertility.  Resolve.org partnered with the very fabulous Stirrup Queen and started a project where people could leave their thoughts on their what IF's about infertility (IF=infertility..get it?).  Many of us posted our fears....our worries....the things we deal with on a daily basis.  The results were heartbreaking....so different but at the same time so similar. 

I posted more than a handful (of course that is part of the "talker" in me and part of the worry-wart).  For part two of the project, we are to write here...on our own blogs...about one of our "what IF's". 

Here I go...

What if I am never myself again?

Sounds silly huh?  Yet I worry about it so much.  The definition of an infertile is " a year of trying with no luck".  Oh we got that covered...four times over! 

My dreams as a child were: to be a singer, to be a wife and most importantly a mom.  We all know for what it's worth...I can't sing.  I have painfully come to accept that.  I myself have admitted how lucky I am to have met my husband at such a young age (we met at 14!).  I am finally a wife....I pictured my perfect wedding and I made it come true (seriously..I did...Bridezilla anyone?!?).  If only things were that easy for becoming a mom.....

I was sure at the age of 20 I had life figured out.  I had figured out who I was.  I was "grown-up".  All that changed a year or so later when I was diagnosed with PCOS.  You know those moments where you feel everything crumble around you.  That was one of those moments.  I was so angry and bitter with the cards I was dealt.  The doctor informed me of my inevitable struggles that I would be facing to make my dream of becoming a mom come true.  I walked out of that office a different person than walking in.....

I fell into a depression.  My school suffered...my social life suffered.  It was like I knew at that age what I would be facing today.  I just never thought I would be sitting at the cusp of 30...childless and confused. 

I realized a few years later...I didn't have things figured out yet.  After getting engaged and planning my much anticipated wedding...I felt like I started to see glimmers of myself again.  I was incredibly stressed at all the stuff going on..but I was happy.  I was finally getting to marry the man who stole my heart 8 years before at age of 18. 

My doctor told me she would give me two months of Femara for after the honeymoon and if those didn't work, we would need to see an RE. 

My god, was I so sure those were going to work.  They didn't...which began the slippery slope of infertility for us....which was almost FOUR years ago. 

I have become bitter again....and angry.  I don't understand why I can't get pregnant.  I don't understand what we are doing wrong.  I have become filled with overwhelming sadness and fear.  I have learned to become almost emotionless when hearing about someone else's pregnancy (I have shed so many tears over that). 

Each negative pregnancy test is a failed dream.  Each failed dream becomes an emotional scar....each scar painfully chips away at my soul. 

Is it possible to not recognize the person you are anymore?  I say things and feel things that shock me...that scare me.  I have pushed away people who care because they couldn't understand me or what I am going through.  I've become numb to hearing "you're next" and "it will definitely happen".  Apathetic and numb. 

Hey but whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger right?

There are definitely things that I have learned during this experience....valuable life lessons I would have never been taught otherwise.  I know who my true family and friends are, I know what an amazing and adorable husband I have, I have connected with people who understand...who give unending support and love and that is priceless. 

But most importantly...I know I am a warrior. 

Insert cheesy 80's song lyrics - "Shooting at the walls of heartache..bang ..bang ...I am the warrior"



Despite all the changes that have gone on in me emotionally, I am not giving up.  I got my armor on and I am ready to fight...to knock infertility on it's ass and to finally complete my dream of being a mom....

So I wonder...............................
What IF the best me is yet to be? 

For information about infertility..please visit www.resolve.org/infertility101.

13 comments:

Donor Diva said...

I think infertility changes us forever, so you have to invent the new you. I don't mean to sound ungrateful because I love my son but there are still moments when it hurts. This was a hard road but it has made me the best mom I could ever be. I wish you the best of luck and I hope that you see your BFP very soon. :)

Chasing a Miracle said...

"What if the best of me is yet to be?"
That may be true, but i believe The best of you is right now, in those words you just wrote. Who you are, what you have learned over the past agonizing years, i believe that is the best of you.
Yes there will be more to come, and yes these things may make you a better person, but IF all you have is right now, then you ARE the best version of who you could be.
And to me, and of who i know you to be... I wouldnt change you, or ask of you to dream of what the best is to be, because you are one very beautiful and strong woman who has already made the best of a bad situation, and taught many people many heart felt things in the process...
xoxox

BeEncouraged said...

Im glad you realize what doesnt kill us makes us stronger. And you are defintley strong missy. I hope you truly believe that

Holly said...

I can soooo relate to this post. I feel each scar and each new wound and I remember the person I was. I know I will never be her again but I hope that I can come out of the other side of this an even better version of me. *huge hugs*

Willow said...

I don't think we will ever again be the people we were before infertility. How could we be, after all we have gone through? But much as I miss the dewy-eyed, innocent, 26-year-old me who entered the IF battlefield four years ago, I have earned these scars and heartache, and they are now an important part of who I am. They make me the wife, friend, writer, and mother I am today. And they brought me to the adoption of our son, for which I am grateful. I don't think we needed this suffering to make us good people--but it's made us better people, all the same. Great post--need to get my "what if" post up, too!

Katie said...

So true. We are never the same person that we were before we were diagnosed with infertility. A diagnosis like that turns your world upside down. I think Donor Diva said it best: you have to invent the new you. You have to learn to cope with and embrace the parts of yourself that are either different or gone forever. Some of those parts may come back, but they may come back differently. Some of those parts may never return. But I truly believe that we are all better people for having gone through this. You will be a better mother because of it.

xo

liberalgranolagirl said...

I completely agree that you end up inventing a new you. 3+ years of dealing with fertility challenges have made me a different but stronger person. Best of all, it's actually made my marriage stronger. That has probably been the best thing to come out of all of this-P and I are stronger than I ever imagined and I know that our fertility challenges sped that strengthening.

Heather said...

Now I have that song stuck in my head! I love it.

Nicely said, my love. Nicely said. You done REAL GOOD! xoxoxo

April said...

So many days I wake up and look into the mirror and I can't recognize the woman looking back at me. She has pain in her eyes and pain in her heart. In my mind, I'm still the idealistic person I was at 21, sure that the world was going to go exactly the way I had planned it. Married at 25, kids by 30. Well, it was married at 30, still no kids of my own. You are right. Infertility has made us all stronger.

mama2point0 said...

This post brought back so many memories for me. I, too, battled infertility for 3 1/2 painful years & had to deal with ALL of my friends having multiple babies while I didn't even have one. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said the best of you is yet to come. It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you're stuck in the throws of infertility. It DOES change you in ways you never could've even imagine. When you finally do come out on the other side, you will be amazed at what a strong person you are and how much more you appreciate the little things. My heart and soul goes out to you while you keep on fighting cause it takes all the strength you can muster. I wish you all the very best!

~Nuckingfutsmama :-)

Sonja said...

LOVE your revised IF at the end! You go girl!

Mr. Thompson and Me said...

"You go girl" is right!

Stopped by from Project IF...and now a follower.

Thanks for writing and sharing such a beautiful What If post.

www.mrthompsonandme.blogspot.com

Kakunaa said...

"You will never be the person you were before the tragedy... no matter how much you want to be.."

A friend sent that to me. It is so apropos to learning you are infertile, and all that we go through. The new you is not a bad thing, just a new thing...we all grow and change. Some of us just have to do it in leaps and bounds. Thank you for sharing your what ifs.