Wordless Wednesday: Ding Dong

Ding Dong! The Cyst is Gone!


Mascara Masquerade!

 People! We have a crier!

That's right, I cry....a lot!  I cry at all the expected things, the movies Steel Magnolias and Beaches, sad TV shows, and even love songs.  But it doesn't stop there my friend, I tear up at so much more.  You know those cotton commercials...I cried!  Hallmark commercials reduce me to a blubbering fool.  Even the commercial with the coffee, where the daughter is telling her dad she got engaged!  (I know...I can't help it!).  Songs that remind me how much I love my husband make me cry....songs that remind me of my grandparents do the same.  I cry pretty often, without reason, and almost NEVER because of my husband! 

This has proved to be a huge issue with makeup, mascara particularly.  I have never wanted to wear mascara because I don't ever want to look like this.......
Cause I would......every day!

Lately, I have come to the realization that the age is showing on my face...I need concealer.  It's ok...no need to cry.....I found an AWESOME one!  I decided to try mascara also.  So I purchased it on Saturday and carefully applied it on Sunday.  Spent the whole day with no issues.  I didn't cry the whole time....until we watched UP!  We didn't like the movie (all I kept thinking about was how that old man kidnapped that little boy!) However, one scene in particular brought down those tears.  After I stopped sobbing, I panicked about my mascara and ran to a mirror. NO SMUDGING PEOPLE....NOT EVEN A LITTLE!!

Bare Escentuals.....WE HAVE A WINNER!


Ugh- New Jersey Drivers!


I have lived in four different states, New York, Arizona, California and New Jersey. I took drivers ed in NY and remember someone telling me "If you could drive in NY, you could drive anywhere".  It's insanely crowded and unless it's late at night....you are NOT going very fast on the highways. 

The difference between driving in Arizona and New York is HUGE.  For starters the speed limit is 65 on the highways out there!! 65!!  (I've seen 75 on some).  Arizona is very fast highway driving. However, it never feels like you're going that fast.....probably because everything is so flat!

California is crazy...there are so many lanes.  Everyone's going super fast and changing in and out of lanes.  As crazy as it sounds, I have never been more fearful for my life than when I was driving in New Jersey yesterday.

I live off this crazy busy road.   I have to take this said road to my job.  This road is two lanes and full of shopping, restaurants etc.  VERY VERY BUSY! 

Yesterday was a nice spring day...Im driving to work with my windows partially down (don't want to mess the hair up) and radio up (yes I was singing).  I was driving the 55 mph speed limit...which trust me...is PLENTY fast for this road. 

However..I was not going fast enough for some people. 

One guy was swerving in and out of traffic going probably about "75"...he was basically driving in the middle of the two lanes.  After I encountered "Crazy Driving in both lanes guy"..I had Mr "Im gonna drive up your ass until you are doing 70 like me!"  It felt like this jackass was in my backseat.  BACK THAT THING UP..I'M MARRIED!

I really think some men think they are in Nascar....or living out their fantasies of Grand Theft Auto! 

I was scared.....If I get in an accident and die...at least my tombstone will still say 29!  (morbid huh?). 

It wasn't just those two wonderful, charming, respectable men...there were plenty of them out there....Look, if I'm not going fast enough for you...go around me...at a safe distance....please!  I'm not going to put myself in danger of driving at a speed in which I am not comfortable with on a CRAZY busy street full of people just pulling out of parking lots so you can get to the bank five minutes faster.  If you needed to be somewhere earlier..you should have left earlier! Sorry!  I need to refill my prescriptions of invincibility pills before I start driving like your brand of crazy!

BTW-This by no way defines me as a "Granny Driver" .....just as a person who values their life too much!  



It's Pre-Cruise Diet Time!

Everyone I talk to about our impending cruise tells me about the food.  There is pretty much free food 24 hours a day (even free room service!) and I don't have to cook or clean the dishes!  It was all just a huge fantasy until the cruise line we are sailing with sent me sample menus.  As I read through these menus and my mouth watered..I thought...CRAP!  I am in trouble here!

We all know that I am no size two model.  I am overweight.  I have a strange obsession with food and I have already declared that I am an emo-foodaholic.  When I am stressed or depressed, I eat.  I'm very sensitive about the "extra" part of me.  I have heard so many hurtful comments about it.  It is very easy for someone to sit on the outside of something and judge.  I feel like sometimes I have those two little gorgeous replicas of me (one as an angel and one as a devil) sitting on my shoulder and arguing about the food I eat.  I'll admit that many many times the devil wins.  Call it a lack of willpower...Call it depression...Whatever it is ..I am fully aware of it. I don't want to look like this. 

Then do something about it!

I am!  But on my terms, not yours!

On Monday, I started to eat healthy.  (I am calling it my pre-cruise diet.  My reasoning is if I lose a certain amount of weight BEFORE the cruise...it won't be so bad when I gain weight ON the cruise.)  Tossed out ALL the junk in the house ..and replaced it with fruit and vegetables. 

It's not just the cruise that I need to get healthy for.  I'll admit I was naive in believing that my weight isn't affecting our chances of conceiving.  The last negative was filled with so much guilt and was pushed overboard with the wonderful cyst that is growing on my left ovary. I feel guilty...I feel like I caused this...Maybe I didn't....but can you really tell me that for sure?!!? I would say half of the tears I cried was out of embarrasment for letting myself look like this.  That is very hard for me to admit. 

I've let my weight control me for too long.  I've hid behind it in social situations which has caused me to miss out on a lot in my twenties.  Here I am staring my thirties in the face ..and I am not going to let it control me anymore. 

I'm doing this for my unconceived child.....and I'm doing it for myself. 

BTW- I made two really yummy dishes from EatingWell.com (in a quest to cook those 25 new recipes for my dirty thirty list)
Warm Chicken Salad with Bows and Turkey Cutlets with Sage and Lemon (only I used chicken cutlets..YUM!)


One Step At A Time!

My husband and I really enjoy watching The Office together.  I love Pam and Jim.  A few weeks ago, it was the birth episode.  We DVR'd it as usual and we let it sit.  Each time we would go to choose something to watch from our DVR, we would skip it.  It was kind of an unspoken understanding between us.  Neither of us wanted to do that to ourselves or each other.  Last night, we bit the bullet!

After watching a few Til Death (which is soooo friggen funny!)...I was in a good mood from laughing so I figured hey what the hell.  My husband gave me that look like "We are doing this now, aren't we?".  I was prepared to cry....I really was...after the explosion of tears I had after watching Kourtney Kardashian give birth on Keeping Up With the Kardashians....I was fully prepared to have another. 

Why would I do that to myself, you might wonder. 

I had to! 

Why didn't I just delete the show?

 I couldn't!

 I can't live in a world where I have to start monitoring my TV shows for babies...because then I would never have anything to watch. 

So we watched it.....

...and guess what ...THE SHOW DIDN'T MAKE ME CRY! 

I made it about 45 minutes into the show without even getting teary eyed.  I only got teary eyed when my husband turned to me after watching the part where the baby wouldn't stop crying and asked "Is that what they really sound like?".  The flooding pain and realization that I am keeping him from hearing that noise was too much to bear.  I took all that emotion I was feeling....all those tears I wanted to cry and I leaned over and kissed him.  Not in a sexy baby-making type way...but in a "I love you and I want you to know that I will do anything for you to be able to hear that noise" way.  No words were spoken.  I'm not even sure if he knows what it meant but the love and admiration I have for that man, replaced any of the tears I had on deck. 

At the end of the show, he turned to me and said "YAY!  NO TEARS!" 

I did it! 

It was a big feat and I conquered it. 

Now don't get the idea that I am going to be rushing out to thousands of baby showers now...because I'm not THAT ready....

One step at a time people! 


I Got Sing Star Quality Baby!

This is American Idol!

Wait...what?  It's not?!?! 

Every since I was little I have adored singing.  It started when I was very young, and my mom used to sing songs with us while giving us our baths.  It escaladed from there.  I have been known to belt out any tune at any time. 

It would be all fine and dandy...if I had a good voice....which I do not!

My poor husband has had to deal with my sing star quality since we started dating.  Once we were driving back to San Diego from Arizona and about 4 hours into the trip (4 hours of my singing), he angrily shut the radio off.  "I can't do it!!" he exclaimed "I can't listen to you sing for one more second".  With fear of being left in the desert, I quickly quieted down (how awesome is he to have listened to it for 4 HOURS!!). 

He should have known.  You should have seen me at Broadway's Beauty and the Beast (which is my FAVORITE Disney movie of all time).  I knew every word and he often had to shush me because I was singing too loud and annoying the people around us. Um hello its a musical people!! He still tells the story...."Be our guest...be our guest...."

Then just last week as we are watching American Idol....I did it again.  One of the contestants started to sing a song I love.  I COULDN'T help myself.  My husband first gave me a look like "you have GOT to be kidding me" and then proceeded to tell me to be quiet. I think his exact words were "I want to hear their version, not yours".  He can't break my spirit...

For someone that will belt out Bette Midler's The Rose at any given time while driving, I will always keep singing! I sing in the shower...while I am doing my hair and makeup....while I am cooking...while I am cleaning...and especially while I am driving (EVEN with the windows down?!?!). 

So if you ever hear a car in the middle of the day, with someone that sounds like a cat is dying...that's me. 

You can forward all complaints to my husband.

(By the way- I can't tell you how FUNNY it was on Family Guy when they all started to sing The Rose and called it their driving song!  It's my driving song too! I wonder how many others belt that out while driving down the highway at night so no one can see you?!?  Duet anyone?!)


Dirty Thirty Update!

Today marks the THREE month warning until my 30th birthday! Instead of freaking out and hyperventilating into a brown paper bag, like I want to.... I decided to check in on my Dirty Thirty List.

If you missed that blog post, you can read it here

Remember I designated the first fifteen things to complete BEFORE I am thirty (which gives me 3 months to finish) and the last fifteen DURING my 30's. Let's check out my progress.

Before I am Thirty-

1. Get Pregnant- I'm on a mission.....

2. Obtain my Master's Degree -done!!!

3. Visit Puerto Rico -Going in May

4. Go on my first cruise- Going in May

5. Find a better job

6. Learn Italian...Hello Rosetta Stone! -I'm working on it. I am currently working through the first part of it ...doing it over and over to remember it. L'automobile e Giallo.

7. Get 100 blog followers- Currently at 69 followers.....

8. See a Broadway Show (I don't do this enough)

9. Lose weight (This will not count if I get pregnant)

10. Successfully give up candy and soda for lent- I'm kicking ass on this one....Although I have replaced candy with cookies!  I like cookies!

11. Finish the Sookie Stackhouse books - Almost done with the third one!

12. Make a donation to St. Jude's Children's Hospital

13. Try to eat five new foods (I tend to be a creature of habit)- Tried Guacamole and Mushrooms.  Guacamole tastes so good I can't believe I never ate it before.  Mushrooms taste like beef...not really something I would crave...EVER! 3 left!

14. Try 25 new recipes (see above!) -Tried to make rice pudding.  Tasted AWESOME....but it was more like rice soup! 24 left!

15. Buy a new purse- Why hello there my gorgeous new red Kate Spade purse.  Mommy missed you!

WOW!  I'm totally all sorts of awesome!!!


Hey Soul Cyst-a

It's a cyst.

A functional cyst.

I am so glad at least one of us is "functioning" with the news (Showoff!)

We were sidelined....out of the game. It's been a rough break. It sucks!

The doctor prescribed the trigger shot Ovidril to shrink the cyst. I was to take it on Friday. Nurse Christmas said the Queen of Broken Hearts will re-appear in two weeks (twice in one month....lucky lucky me). On my CD 3- I will go in to see if this monster that is growing on my left ovary is gone. I think he should go back to where the wild things are!

So I got my shot on Friday and my husband had to give it to me. This was our first AT HOME injection people. I take a trigger shot with EVERY IUI cycle but the nurse always gives it to me...it never hurts so I figured it can't be so bad....right?........W R O N G!

My husband (god bless his heart) was so nervous. He kept calling my mother in law (a nurse) to
make sure he was going to do it right. I showed him the area the nurse always does it. I know that area all too well because the nurse who gives the shot like to point out my "spider" veins on my leg before she does it. What a gem she is huh?!?! So we were all ready to go and suddenly it happened....It happens EVERY time I am nervous....I can't help it ...It's a natural body reaction....

I started to laugh (you didn't think I passed gas did you?!?!). I couldn't stop. I was laughing so hard I was shaking....shaking enough for him to not be able to put the needle in my leg. So there I am laughing...he's getting anxious and yelling....it really was quite a sight!

I calmed down and he went for it.

OH MY GOD ...it hurt. I jumped...He PULLED the needle out. Injection Attempt #1 FAIL!

I sat down this time...laughing fits return (along with the crying I was doing from the last attempt). I hid my face in a towel and he stabbed me.

It hurt and I cried!

My poor husband felt sooooo bad afterwards, he kept hugging me and kissing me on the head. After I got over being mad at him for hurting me, I realized how nervous he was and I could see in his eyes how bad he felt. But we did it ....we both survived!

I'm not gonna lie....I'm scarred. Traumatized people. NEEDLES ARE A LEGITIMATE FEAR! (Doesn't it seem kinda cruel that someone so afraid of needles has to have endless blood work taken and have bad veins...and now will be doing injections next month...)

So that's it. There is nothing left for us to do this month but drink lots of sangria and pray it worked.



The Passport Picture!

I have completed my masters degree! That's right people...I am one smart cookie. I now have my masters in education for curriculum and instruction:reading. (Now if I can only get a job). This is a big deal! HUGE! GINORMOUS! I knew I wanted to do something big to celebrate! We debated back and forth between having a huge party or taking a cruise. The cruise won (only slightly!). Just call me Caribbean Queen!

Cruise is booked....airfare is booked....now I needed to tackle my passport. My hubby and I had decided that we would go to Tahiti for our honeymoon (which was a complete LET DOWN...I'll have to blog that story one day). So we both have passports....except mine is in my maiden name. I went online to get the forms to switch it. Had someone told me to change it within the first year of getting married, I wouldn't have had to pay....but because I waited...I had to pay...FULL PRICE! Que Sera Sera!

So I got all my stuff together...wrote the check...and headed to my local post office for the dreaded passport picture. I got all dolled up ...stood in line....only to find out they didn't have those services that day (What a waste of a good hair day!). I had full intentions of going the next morning and I awoke with a third eye on my forehead. I COULD not have a third eye in my passport picture. Call me vain or whatever you need...but that picture stays with you for a long time! Pimple was gone by the weekend...figured I would go the following week! Wrong again! This time I got sick and my nose was all cut up, red and runny. As appealing as boogers might be in photos, I didn't want to chance it. I figured I would go the following week.

So yesterday morning, I woke up with determination to get my passport taken today (couldn't go yesterday, no service). Oh but what before my wondering eyes should appear...a HUGE ZIT right on my cheek. This zit put the third eye on my forehead to shame! I obsessively applies astringent to the massive sucker (was the growth on my ovary NOT enough?!?!?). I ran to the bathroom this morning and it was still there. OK so I had to decide....do I take the picture with the HUGE ZIT or do I risk not going on my cruise that I worked so hard for! I had to go take the picture....

Thank god for makeup! I piled it on that sucker. I think I did a decent job of covering it! I am SURE you will be able to see it in the picture. After the guy snapped the picture and showed it to me, I gasped. I couldn't focus on the pimple...I focused on the pumpkin that looked like my head. I told him no matter how many more pictures he snapped of me, I was never gonna like it. At least the person completely my passport application will get a good laugh!

So if the chance ever comes that you and I are travelling abroad together..the answer is NO! You can not see my passport picture!



The news is in folks. IUI #3 didn't work. The Queen of Broken Hearts showed her mark and CD 1 was last Friday. Sure I did what any normal gal who is trying to conceive would do. I cried and screamed and cursed that bitch! I'm frustrated! Dr. Godfather told us eight months ago he felt certain that once he got things moving in my body, I would have no problem getting pregnant. I expressed my concerns with Nurse Christmas. As it turns out, Nurse BFF LIED (I KNOW!!!). The injections are not as expensive as she had said. Don't get me wrong, they are still pretty expensive..but at least I feel it's manageable and not the amount of my rent! So we made a plan....regular IUI round this month...starting with the injections next month. I felt good about it...ready to go onto our sixth medicated and monitored cycle....until Sunday.

I had my day three ultrasound and blood work on Sunday. Boy was that office crowded! By far the WORST I have ever seen it (I thought the union gave the seat warmers off on Sunday?!?!?) I totally hate that I am starting to recognize people each time! So there I was in a room full of praying and pleading with God. I finally got called back after 90 MINUTES! "Oh Great...it's Dr. Ouch"!

Dr. Ouch was only slightly gentler this time....everything looked great. I even was showing a 12 already on my right side....and then like a cloud of doom, I heard the "Oh no. You have a cyst on your left ovary. Did you know that?". Um NO I DID NOT KNOW THAT! I started to FREAK out. Dr. Ouch explained that there is a high possibility that I might have to sit this round out. Tears sprung to my eyes instantly. My focus immediately became "don't fall apart in front of this doctor" instead of "ask questions". She said she had to look at my blood work before making any decisions. I was SO GRATEFUL that my husband went with me (he normally doesn't accompany me to day 3 appts)...I sobbed the whole way home. I don't like to be told I might be out of something before I had a chance to fight!

I sat on the obligatory pillow of "pins and needles" until the nurse called. My estrogen was high but borderline (don't ask..I have NO idea). She seemed confused. The doctor seemed confused. They need to see me back on Thursday to determine what it is. I just hope it's gone!

Right now, I just feel like we are on pause. Stuck between question marks! I didn't start the Clomid like I should have last night and I am anxious about it. I have PCOS so I am used to cysts and so are my doctors...but something about this one scares me. The thought of being told I have to sit out is heartbreaking and frustrating.

So to what ever has taken residence on my left ovary: I know my body is a wonderland but I would appreciate it if you hit the road jack and don't you come back no more no more no more no more!


Tweeze This!

The other day I noticed a caterpillar crawling on my face....two of them actually! As I was getting ready to whack those things off...I realized it was my eyebrows. I didn't need to whack them off...I needed to wax them off!
I am in a love/hate relationship with my eyebrows. I hate doing them...I love having them done. I normally keep up the maintenance on them myself...yesterday I decided to go get them waxed and shaped!
Here's the thing about the experience....it makes me homicidal! I can deal with the wax part (although I always cringe right before they pull it off and then afterwards I'm like...that's not that bad). What I can't deal with is the tweezing at the end!! I literally have to lay on my hands so that I do not choke or punch the sweet person who is doing my eyebrows! I would say for everyone two hairs they pull out with no problem...there is ONE that makes me see stars!! My experience yesterday was no different....Instead of just picturing choking and punching...I also channelled my inner Jackie Chan and pictured kicking her. Oh but it doesn't stop there....There was one point where she was leaning over my face and I was channelling my inner vampire/pit bull as I pictured biting her!
And then its over and like nothing ever happened. I am back to my happy self, getting on with my day. I shall be content and happy with my eyebrows (until my next appointment in three weeks!).
Oh the joys of being a woman!


Everyone Needs a Little Sunshine in Their Life

The thing I love most about blogging is connecting with people...finding people who I normally wouldn't cross paths with and having them become a part of my journey (and following their own). Sweet Patricia over at Big Belly or Bust...What to Expect Before Expecting nominated me for a the sunshine blog award. I'm embarrased to admit I have never been to her site before this...but I ADORE it and am now a follower! Thanks Patricia!
So here's the deal:
  • Put the logo on your blog or within your post.
  • Pass the award onto 12 bloggers.
  • Link the nominees within your post.
  • Let the nominees know they have received this award by commenting on their blog.
  • Share the love and link to the person from whom you received this award.

6 new blogs I follow:

Infertility and Me

Trying to Get Knocked Up By Another Man

Hope Springs Eternal

The Peeks

Confessions of a TTC-A-Holic

Mission: Motherhood

6 oldie but goodie blogs:

Busted Plumbing

Fertility Chick

His and Her Infertility

Ready To Be a Mom

After the Alter

Donor Diva