2.22.2010

You Are Invited to My Pity Party!

I have a strange, weird obsession with the Kardashians. I love, Love, LOVE to watch any show about that family. It is religiously taped on my DVR. I don't know what it is ...I just LOVE it! (oh...stop...you know you are a closet Kardashian fan too!). I knew that last night was the season finale....I knew that Kourtney (the oldest pregnant sister) was going to have her baby. What I didn't know is what watching that would do to me...

It started out OK...About midway, watching her baby shower, I felt a huge wave of sadness fall over me...I was sure it was jealousy...because of the extravagance of her shower. But then her water broke...and my water works started! I couldn't suppress them...I tried but I got that huge knot in my throat like I swallowed a bowling ball. So I let myself cry. Aren't I allowed to do that? After a very infertile three and a half years, shouldn't I be allowed to have a pity day?!? Good...I think so too...Today is that day!

I watched her deliver her baby through my tears. For the first time in my life, the idea of having a natural birth didn't scare me. I'm a wuss...I hate pain. I have always said that I want a C-section and I am totally OK with being knocked out for it! Now I hear they keep you awake...but if I can't see or feel anything...bring it on! I've seen a birth. I had the joy of being in the room with my sister when my nephew was born. The scene could only be described as a scene out of a war movie....things were ripping...people were crying...blood was everywhere...really traumatic stuff (except for my sister, who was enjoying her epidural). I swore, swore, swore I wasn't going to do that...until today.

It's a TV show...a reality show at that...and it affected me. There I said it. My sadness turned into pure anger which was the wrong time for my husband to call me. Holy Psycho Bitch Batman! I snapped..was yelling at him for stupid things....over going food shopping....Is someone slipping me Provera? I knew instantly after hanging up I was wrong and I soon apologized. My husband is truly amazing...I'm not sure I would have been able to forgive myself so quickly...but he just said "It's OK...It happens".

I need to learn to STAY AWAY from Facebook when I am like this. What is it about Facebook announcements that feels like it is taking my heart and ripping it into pieces? It has been one after another..Alright already I get the point...you all are having babies and I am not! I'm jealous...there I said it! I am jealous as all hell! It kinda feels like when you are dating a guy for a long time and EVERYONE is getting married around you...but you! I keep telling myself ...it took awhile but we got married in the end and I am holding on firmly to that belief that good things come to those who wait! It did with my marriage...and it will with my baby.....(just please be soon k?)

20 comments:

Courtney said...

Girl, I felt so sad watching that finale last night too. I couldn't help but sit there and wonder if that will ever be me? Ugh, the life of an infertile.

be.encouraged said...

"Holy Psycho Bitch Batman" wow you must have really gave it to him... I am defintley a closet kardashin fan. lol I watched it last night and it felt bitter sweet. I was happy for her and sad for me. I feel the same. I think any day you want to have a pitty party is totally acceptable. I have had one for myself for the last 3 weeks. Is that too long? No I plan on having one for as long as I need. :-(......Nice blog....I like your honesty:-)

Kelly said...

I can't watch shows like that, or commercials for that matter. I cry so easily that I don't feel like I need any more help or inspiration. :(

FB is a real kicker also. UGH. I've hit "hide" on so many people it's unreal.

(((HUGS)))

Fertility Chick said...

Damn that Facebook! There should be a "block" for announcements like that!

I'm sorry that it's been a tough time. Know that I'm thinking about you dear friend and wishing that I had words that made it a little easier.

Know that I'm sending lots of good thoughts and support your way!!

Ashley said...

I have a hard time watching shows like that too. :( And you are right. You are entitled to a pity party day if you want! I'm so sorry. I hope this cycle is your BFP!

Waiting Lisa said...

I have that episode sitting on my TiVo waiting for me. I am putting it off. I know I will cry.

*Hugs* for you. I'm here if you want to talk or vent.

A said...

I honestly don't think I have ever watched their show, but my pity parties involve the duggars or people who didnt know they were pregnant ;-)

Here's hoping our babies are closer than we know!

Kim said...

I am addicted to the Kardashians too!!! I made the mistake of watching that episoe as well as a DVR'd episode of when kendra has her baby. I didn't cry but I felt the big lump in my throat. I was jealous and sad. What a beautiful delivery for Kourtney though, she made child birth look so easy, but she always has this graceful calm demanor so it didnt surprise me one bit. You are absolutely right though- we waited for our husbands/engagement and we can wait for our perfect babies. We can do this!

The (Type A) Nightmare said...

I knew I would be that way, so I didn't watch it. BUT I can't believe that you actually WANTED a C-section. How did I not know that? Before I ever tossed my birth control, I had a sit down with my doctor and I had to know that she would let me choose to have a section, because I absolutely could not vaginally deliver a baby. I am/was terrified. Glad to know that I may ultimately change my mind, but also glad to know that I'm not totally weird and that someone else has had those thoughts too.

suchagoodegg said...

I hear you. I don't go on FB anymore. I flip past the "new Mom!" and "pregnant!" stories in magazines. I try to avoid these types of eps in TV shows, but pregnancy and birth show up everywhere! There is no safe place! And when it's celebs, I get especially cranky. It's like, you already have an amazing wardrobe, travel the world, don't think about money...and you get a BABY, too? No fair! :) Love your blog, loved this post.

Happy ICLW!

Patrish said...

New to your blog.....

Your post really struck a cord with me today. Earlier I was on facebook and unfortunately got caught up looking through several profiles of old friends and classmates all of which seem to be having babies. I'm so jealous! I feel so annoyed when I see peoples profile pics of their ultrasounds! I don't watch the Kardashians, but I do watch A Baby Story and Bringing Home Baby even though the shows make me cry....

Infertility Monster said...

you said everything I wanted to say! bless your heart, and i am totally feeling for you.

I felt the same way while watching that episode yesterday...and about fb. seriously....could the pregnant people and people with kids...just get their own facebook? ugh.

Jen @ After The Alter said...

I totally know what you are talking about when you say you take it out on DH..lol. I get mad at something TTC related and then I'm just a complete BIT$H..lol for no reason..I think I was like that today..opppsss

Holly said...

I totally agree that we are all entitled to pity parties now and then *hugs*

Beautiful Mess said...

You are SO entitled to have a pity party! Sorry the show gave you such a strong emotion. I hope you're feeling better today. Sending you lots of love and good JUJU!
*HUGS*

Theta Mom said...

Sending you lots of good thoughts girl - and just found you through Complicated Mama! Following!

Myndi said...

I don't watch that show, but I certainly know the feeling. I can't watch "A Baby Story" or anything like that anymore. The green-eyed monster shows up with the tears...just can't take it.

Best of luck to you in your TTC journey!

Kelly said...

Umm hello twin. Totally relate. first, love the Kardashians but hate myself for it. second, yes everyone is prego but me right now. You have no idea how pissed off I am. My closest friend and I were prego together, just one month apart. Her baby is due in Sept. mine was due in Oct. Miscarried last week. life sucks.
the good news is, I'm following you now...and I hope you follow me back!
http://thepursuitofmommyness.com/

liberalgranolagirl said...

You are definitely entitled to a pity party or 2-we all are. I have hidden most preg friends on FB ;-)

Patrish said...

Congratulations! I have selected to pass on my first blog award to you -- the Sunshine Award! Stop by for a visit to pick up your award

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