11.27.2009

Holiday Song # 4......The Twelve "Presents" of This Cycle!

In honor of Black Friday and the start of the Holiday season....I bring you a new holiday song!

The Twelve "Presents" of This Cycle (sung to the tune of The Twelve Days of Christmas)

On the first "present" of this cycle, my RE gave to me blood work and ultrasound on day 3

On the second "present" of this cycle, my RE gave to me the two week wait and blood work and ultrasound on day 3

On the third "present of this cycle, my RE gave to me three hot flashes, the two week wait and blood work and ultrasound on day 3

On the fourth "present" of this cycle, my RE gave to me four days of OPK testing, three hot flashes, the two week wait and blood work and ultrasound on day 3

On the fifth "present" of this cycle, my RE gave to me FIVE DAYS OF CLOMID...four days of OPK testing, three hot flashes, the two week wait and blood work and ultrasound on day three.

On the sixth "present" of this cycle, my RE gave to me six AM appointments....FIVE DAYS OF CLOMID...four days of OPK testing, three hot flashes, the two week wait and blood work and ultrasound on day three.

On the seventh "present" of this cycle, my RE gave to me seven blood-drawn bruises, six AM appointments....FIVE DAYS OF CLOMID...four days of OPK testing, three hot flashes, the two week wait and blood work and ultrasound on day three.

On the eighth "present" of this cycle, my RE gave to me eight hours of waiting, seven blood-drawn bruises, six AM appointments....FIVE DAYS OF CLOMID...four days of OPK testing, three hot flashes, the two week wait and blood work and ultrasound on day three.

On the ninth "present" of this cycle, my RE gave to me 9 million medical bills, eight hours of waiting, seven blood-drawn bruises, six AM appointments....FIVE DAYS OF CLOMID...four days of OPK testing, three hot flashes, the two week wait and blood work and ultrasound on day three.

On the tenth "present" of this cycle, my RE gave to me disgusting progesterone supplements, 9 million medical bills, eight hours of waiting, seven blood-drawn bruises, six AM appointments....FIVE DAYS OF CLOMID...four days of OPK testing, three hot flashes, the two week wait and blood work and ultrasound on day three.

On the eleventh "present" of this cycle, my RE gave to me 11 nightmares of ovidril, ten days of progesterone supplements, 9 million medical bills, eight hours of waiting, seven blood-drawn bruises, six AM appointments....FIVE DAYS OF CLOMID.... four days of OPK testing, three hot flashes, the two week wait and blood work and ultrasound on day three.

On the twelfth present of this cycle, my RE gave to me A baby? (hopefully).....11 nightmares of ovidril, ten days of progesterone supplements, 9 million medical bills, eight hours of waiting, seven blood-drawn bruises, six AM appointments....FIVE DAYS OF CLOMID.... four days of OPK testing, three hot flashes, the two week wait and blood work and ultrasound on day three.




Hope everyone had a fabulous Thanksgiving =) Enjoy!

11.26.2009

I Am Thankful...I Really Am!

I am thankful for my husband, because without him, I'm not sure I would have the strength to get out of bed some mornings. I've been in love with my best friend for eleven and a half years now. I am thankful that he gets me (and my shopping) and even puts up with my crazy hormone induced rages! I have found my love of a lifetime and I am thankful every day for it!

I am thankful for my parents, whose love and support have been invaluable! I am thankful for the way they raised me, which helped to make me the person I am today. My mom has become my best friend and my father isn't afraid to ever tell me how proud he is of me and that he loves me. My parents are my biggest cheerleaders but yet know when to step back and let me make my own mistakes and learn my own lessons, but always have an ear and shoulder to lend when those life lessons don't turn out in my favor.

I am thankful for my sister and my brother who I can always count on for a great laugh. You know those kinds of laughs that take your breath away. That's what having siblings is about! And I am so grateful that my sister gave me my beautiful nephew, who has taught me exactly what it means to love a child so much that your heart feels like its going to burst.

I am thankful for my grandparents and the relationship that I have with them. Although it hurts my heart that I don't get to see them as often anymore, I get such a feeling of happiness thinking of them.

I am thankful for my in laws, who have become another set of parents for me. They have made my husband the wonderful man he is today (and even made him that cute). They provide support and love and have accepted me in as their daughter. Hubby's mom and dad are such caring and wonderful people, and so are the people they married! I feel so blessed to have them in my life! I am also blessed and thankful for hubby's adorable grandma, who I feel the same connection with that I do my own grandparents.

I am so thankful for my friends....who have gotten me through this year. I am thankful to have reconnected with some old ones and for the relationships that have continued to strengthen over the years. My friends rock!

I am thankful for twitter (silly ...I know) but the ladies that I have met on there and the support that is provided as hubby and I try to have our baby is never-ending I have never felt that someone has understood the pain and emptiness that I feel, but I now know that I have all the support that I need at my fingers and it's awesome!

But most importantly (this is ME we are talking about), I am thankful for black Friday shopping! One day a year is dedicated to my favorite sport. I mean..... shopping is my cardio!

Today is all about being thankful, spending time with family, and eating til your insides feel like they are going to burst out! But tomorrow....tomorrow is all about the CHA-CHING!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

11.19.2009

IUI 2.2

So today was iui # 2 in iui cycle 2! We always get appointments the second day and our appointment was (drum roll please) 6:30 AM! We are normally there at 6:00 so this was "sleeping in"! We were both so tired this morning....could barely keep my eyes open......however they were open long enough to see the INSANE amount of people in the waiting room! OMG ...like seriously what is going on with woman's reproductive issues?!?!?

My wonderful step-mother in law made a comment not too long ago about how something had to be going on 20 years ago to make all these issues apparent today! Maybe it was an immunization we got.....maybe it's the crappy processed foods that we have been eating...but there are some SERIOUS issues going on here. There were easily 40 PEOPLE (yes 40 PEOPLE) in the waiting room this morning.....absolutely absurd!!!

There was another new doctor today....a female doctor....I was actually relieved to see her walk in....but BOY was that relief gone soon...let's just say this woman is "DR. OUCH".....She seriously shoved that speculum in...UM HELLO LADY ..I THINK YOU KNOW HOW THAT FEELS! It was fast and painful...and with a generic good luck she was out the door......She said to lay for five minutes....all the other doctors have said 10+ and I have read that 15 minutes is very beneficial so imagine my surprise when the nurse KNOCKED ON THE DOOR after FIVE MINUTES pretty much telling us to get out!

I was LIVID! It felt like we overstayed on a hotel room...a $2000 dollar hotel room.....all I wanted was to lay 15 minutes...but somehow I feel that the waiting room FULL of people dictated the swiftness of our exit. I felt cheated and am still mad as hell! If you can't control the amount of people that come in ....STOP TAKING NEW PATIENTS!

End of discussion...have a nice day =)

11.18.2009

IUI round 2

So today was our day 15 doctor's appt to check on my follicles due to the fact that I haven't gotten a positive on the OPK's yet this cycle. Last cycle, we weren't ready til CD 23! So I was definitely going this morning fully prepared for the crazy cycle roller coaster that was about to begin with the monitoring.

I doctor prepped yesterday (If you are a female ..you know all about this)....When I woke up this morning...I put my warmest clothes on picturing just rolling back into bed in about an hour. I didn't think about my socks...I didn't think about my hair...we just went... I debated NOT bringing my shot with me...but decided to at the last minute. Glad I did!

We got to the doctors office, I was glad to see the business is doing well, because the people they hire to make the waiting room seem full were in full effect!! Further proof that they are hired actors, I was called back in 10 minutes (and no one batted an eye)..Now I'm just saying if some lady just walked in and got called right back I would be PISSED! No one cared...those robots!

New doctor today! Doctor Whispers ...you barely understood anything this guy was saying. But I totally love him!! He is really adorable (not in that HOT McDreamy way but in that "Aw I want you to be my Grandpa" way)! Right ovary had an 18/19 and left was ready to go!!!! I was shocked! I took the OPK last night and it was not positive....but I figured this was my 11 mm rocket science follicle from the other day! Way to go follicle! I was on CLOUD 9 ....A NORMAL CYCLE....SHOUT IT OUT WITH ME PEOPLE!!!!!

I should have known today was going to be the day....because I wanted to go to this little place called Peddler's Village. Peddler's Village is this cute little town with all these cute little shops and I love cute little things so its my kind of place! We attempted to go for the first time on Mother's Day...it was crowded so we only went in a few stores and left.....We then attempted to go back again a few weeks ago but it was their apple festival and when I tell you Times Square had nothing on this traffic ...I am not even kidding. A normal hour drive...took us WAY over two and there was NO MOVING OR PARKING so we drove all the way home. So when Hubby said to me that he had work to do around there...I was sooo excited...It's a Wednesday so it can't be busy and there will be parking....I worked my ass off yesterday to finish most of my paper to go today .....

....so of course after the initial excitement of the IUI wore off ...I said "UGH I MISS PEDDLER'S VILLAGE AGAIN"....Of course the IUI is more important and even though I want to be a mother so bad....right now I'm a shopper so I will admit I was a little sad.....See God ..now I have to be pregnant...I missed SHOPPING for this =)

The sadness wore off and I was sooo excited again! What a relief to ovulate at a "normal" time!!! I feel REALLY great about this cycle!!! We head back tomorrow for IUI # 2 and then we enter into my beloved two week wait!

Let's discuss the OPK's quickly people! So Hubby and I decided it was economically better to get the STORE brand ...7 tests for $20 instead of the NAME BRAND 2 tests for $20! I used them last cycle and I used them this cycle. I have always wondered about their validity! Here's the thing people, I'm from the "school of you get what you pay for"....Quality is important on some things....toilet paper....deodorant.....mozzarella cheese...you know the basics! I was on the fence with the store brand OPK's ....but we did it anyway!! So I decided to test them tonight ...I KNOW because I got the shot that it will be positive ...so I peed on a stick and was actually a little excited to FINALLY SEE the TWO LINES the SAME color! But here's the thing folks...IT WAS NEGATIVE......THE FRIGGEN THINGS DON'T WORK!!!!! I will now we adding OPK'S to the list of important quality items!

Ok BTW....my malfunctionable BBT is the SAME BRAND as the defective OPK'S! Interesting huh?

11.17.2009

Holiday Song: Do You Fear What I Fear?

New Holiday Infertility Song: Do You Fear What I Fear? (Sung to the tune of Do You Hear What I Hear?)

Said the infertile to the preggo test
Do you see what I see? (do you see what I see?)
only one line here, little test
Do you see what I see? (do you see what I see?)
a tear, a tear falling from my eye
Again bad luck has made me cry
Again bad luck has made me cry

Said the infertile to her lover boy
Do you fear what I fear? (Do you fear what I fear?)
no baby for us , lover boy
Do you fear what I fear? (Do you fear what I fear?)
Away we go to the R.E's
With a bill as big as the the sea
With a bill as big as the the sea

Said the infertile to her twitter peeps
Do you know what I know? (what I know, what I know?)
TTC is rough, twitter peeps
Do you know what I know? (what I know, what I know?)
A child, My Child I just want to hold
Let me get pregnant before I get too old
Let me get pregnant before I get too old

Said the infertile to the people everywhere
Listen to what I say! (what I say, what I say)
Pray for my BFP, people, everywhere
Listen to what I say! (what I say, what I say)
The Child, the Child that I've waited for
I couldn't ask for anything more!
I wouldn't ask for anything more!

11.12.2009

Holiday Songs ...Part one

OK folks..I figured before I slipped into my drugged induced sleeping coma, I would crank out one more song.....Enjoy! (P.S. I will try to do one a week from now until Christmas!)

This is Hell (sung to the tune of Jingle Bells)

Dashing in the van
on the way to the RE
It's 6 o clock AM
Ultrasound time for me

Bills for doctors grow
making wallets tight
FULL WAITING ROOM AT 6 AM ?
GOD, this can't be right?!?

This is hell
This is hell
infertility
oh what "fun" it is to be on the journey to pregnancy! HEY!

This is hell
This is hell
infertility
Oh what "fun" it is to be on the journey to pregnancy!

A week or two ago
I thought I was preggo
Went for beta blood work
and Nurse BFF told me no!

Three clomid pills a day
and a shot of ovidril
add progesterone suppositories
what a crazy hormone thrill!

This is hell
This is hell
infertility
Oh what "fun" it is to be on the journey to pregnancy! Hey


This is hell
This is hell
infertility
Oh what "fun" it is to be on the journey to pregnancy!






Sleep Deprivation

Oh Clomid! You have not been my friend this month. On top of the random hot flashes...I have also been dealing with...INSOMNIA (dum dum dum!). This whole week I don't think I have slept more than 2-3 hours in a row without waking up, getting mad at myself for waking up, realizing I have to pee, getting mad that I have to pee, and then not being able to fall back asleep...only to start the cycle again in 2-3 hours!

Yes...some of my BBT hysteria is probably to blame for this but I know it's the Clomid..it's punishing me for having NO symptoms last month. Speaking of BBT hysteria...My chart looks like a bad stock market plunge....Temp was at an all time (by all time ..I mean the 7 days that I have been testing) low today ...97.36....Oh and remember that fear I had of my BBT thermometer malfunctioning ...IT HAS....the last temp recall ALWAYS says 97.70....which is obviously a fever for me!

I'm tired ...and cranky.....and my body just wants to go to sleep but my head wants to clean the floorboards in the house with my magic erasers! This dilemma has caused me to sit in front of the computer for the last 90 minutes (which I obviously could have knocked one of those things off my list)....but I'm listening to Christmas music so the world is good =)

Tonight is our first OPK test of this cycle...I'm hoping all the Christmas music has got those follicles ROCKING! Rocking Around the Ov-ary (get it ...ovary...not Christmas tree...like the song.....sigh...I know ...I know)

Rocking Around the Ov-ary
Have a happy ultrasound
Everyone dancing merrily
The IUI is going down.........

Rocking Around the Ov-ary
go get that syringe
later we'll eat some pineapple and we'll do some praying...

You will get a sentimental feeling when you hear
"follicles are over 20, ovidril shot, and sperm of plenty"

OK............... I ...............NEED .......................SLEEP!

11.08.2009

BBT Hysteria!

So today was my third day of Clomid and all I can say is HOLY HOT FLASHES! Last night was the worst...as I am in one of my places of worship (also known as the Christmas Tree Shops), I felt like someone had 1000 of those little portable heaters on me. M-I-S-E-R-A-B-L-E! I mean for heavens sakes will someone just please turn on the air conditioning ...or I guess just open the door.....(I just had a quick glimpse of life during menopause and have decided that I will be staying 29 forever).

I have also ventured into the world of the BBT! ahhh the Basal Body Temperature. I know you are thinking how I could possibly be trying to conceive for three years and not have ventured into this world so far.....it's simple really...technology....OPK's and pregnancy tests to be exact! Actually when I think about it, a couple of years ago BBT-ing was something I thought people "in the good old days" did. I mean my mom said she bbt-ed...and that was 30 YEARS AGO (sorry mom). Hubby and I actually had to take a class on charting and bbt-ing BEFORE we got married (ahh that good old catholic church teaching us to procreate)......We thought the class was BS and we joked the whole time (LOVE MY HUSBAND). God how I wish I had paid attention (and yes I am actually talking to god here ...I do wish I paid attention during the class that we had to take to get married in his presence....I wasn't using the "lords name in vain" or anything...because I wouldn't do something like that .....anymore).

MAYBE just maybe ...If I had paid attention I wouldn't be going through what I like to refer to as BBT hysteria! BBT hysteria is a term to describe someone who WAKES UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT to see if it's time to test! Not only do I wake up in the middle of the night to see if it's time but I also freak out about moving to see the time. I'm a belly sleeper and I happen to be most comfortable when I am facing my husband...so to take my temp I have to carefully roll over onto my back....calculate the time to see if "it's time" (yes I said calculate...I can NOT for the life of me figure out how to change the time on my alarm clock and am way to embarrassed to mention that to Hubby ...who will read this and know...so BABE..mind helping me out here? THANKS!) and fish around on the nightstand (in the dark) to find the thermometer! It goes a little something like this: *CRASH* -crap that was my phone.....*BANG*- the alarm clock hitting the wall......*boom*- the remote hits the floor....THANK gosh (see I didn't use HIS name) I have never knocked the thermometer over ...because I would probably have a nervous breakdown and cry as I tried to pick up the thermometer with my toes while trying not to move any other muscles.....

And I don't know if anyone else has these problems but my thermometer seems to take FOREVER to read.....I swear its like 8 minutes long......This morning was the worst when I had to pee so bad that I was reasoning if my bladder would burst before the alarm on the thermometer beeped.

AND I know that my thermometer has last temp recall but I am so scared of it malfunctioning and not recording the temp that after the thing has beeped...I get out of bed...pick up the crap from the floor ..use my phone as a flashlight and read the temp and then right it down by my computer....SIGH....I am exhausted by 7:30 in the morning!!

Maybe this BBT stuff isn't for me....but I'm trying .....It makes me feel like I have something in my control....I'm not sure what that something is yet....but I have it =)

Next up:.......We start OPK-ing on Wednesday!!!

11.06.2009

Round Two....

So this morning I got poked and prodded again...and it wasn't by my husband! Today was my CD 3 ultrasound and blood work. I got to the office and was pleasantly surprised by the abundance of open seats. Either the economy is bad and the office can no longer afford to hire actors to fill the seats in the morning, or everyone got pregnant on the last cycle except for me and the other poor schmoes. I was called fast for my blood work (as usual)......and you know how that goes......

....another day....another blood work test...another bruise!

But seriously, what the hell is up with them bruising me EVERY time I get blood work taken? I have bad veins (I have a serious hatred for needles and my veins hide each time I have to have blood work taken). So I figured out a pattern of rotation for them so that I do not have to have bruises in the same places all the time. I currently have one on my right arm ...so today we took from my right hand...that bruise is lovely! I guess I would much rather deal with a bruise than have them on a fishing expedition in my arm trying to find a vein......

I also (believe it or not) was called back REALLY fast to the ultrasound. (Side note...CD 3 ULTRASOUND...EWWW). However, I waited for what seemed like forever in the room for the doctor......I really thought they forgot about me....maybe if I wasn't wearing just a sheet of crepe paper for pants I would have went out to remind them......

I had a new doctor this time....Dr. Nice Guy (I'm assuming from his name you can tell how I feel about him). There was a HUGE sigh of relief that it wasn't Dr. "I-don't -know-what-the-hell-just-happened". There are 10 small follicles on the right...he goes to the left (which by the way does anyone else want to kick the doctor when they look at the left ovary.....I hate the pressure!)...there are two...one is small and one is measuring 11mm. Now 11 mm was what I had at day 14 last month so here I am thinking I have the fastest growing follicle ever ....I'm definitely thinking I am ahead of the game and that my follicle will be a future rocket scientist.

So I asked the Twitter gals this morning about the size and it was mentioned that it could be a cyst (which totally makes sense because of my polycystic ovaries) ...and that when my estrogen came back, they would be able to tell......

Nurse BFF is unfortunately on vacation until Wednesday ( UM HELLO....I NEED YOU HERE!!!) ...so a different nurse on Dr. Godfather's team called. She called 45 MINUTES after I got home!!!!! Told me everything looked great and to go ahead and start the clomid. I asked about the 11mm follicle being a cyst and she said AND I QUOTE (JUST IN CASE I HAVE TO SUE) "Nope. Everything looks great". Now the logistics of them having my blood work back in 45 minutes is slim to none...so I'm thinking she didn't even check my blood work and LIED TO ME (that bitch!).

But anyway..I guess it really doesn't matter what it is...I still do the clomid tonight and we still move forward.

Please be my month!!!

11.05.2009

The End Result is You...

My Dearest baby:

So tomorrow mommy and daddy start over with the doctor's appointments with the hope and prayer to be meeting you soon! We had wished with all our hearts that it would have been nine months from right now...but God has other plans! I know that Mommy's heart has been broken and Daddy seems on edge but its because we are so excited to see you and are truly disappointed that we have to wait longer. Mommy's gonna try not to cry today (OK...after this letter).....I promised you three years ago when we started on this journey that I would do everything I could for you ....and I will.....even if that means the 6 am doctors visits and giving up my beloved "sweet tooth". I even promise that I will do my twenty minute walks every day!!! I will do whatever I need to do, my love, because the end result is you!

I love you already more than you will ever know!

Love,
Your Mommy
(and yes...yes...I will stop crying now)

11.04.2009

Wordless Wednesday- Brokenhearted


Every day it'll get better.....

11.02.2009

My little egg...that didn't!

After my whole anxiousness and anxiety, nausea and tiredness....Nurse BFF called and it didn't work .....

I knew it....I knew it deep down but that's the crap with this process, the what ifs convince you otherwise. The "what ifs" made me go out and buy What to expect when you are expecting EVEN THOUGH I felt like I didn't even belong in that section of the bookstore.

I now want that book OUT OF MY HOUSE!

My socks didn't work...my pleading with god didn't work...our six A.M. doctors visits didn't work...What did happen was that my heart burst into a billion little pieces the second she said "I have bad news for you"....I have never in my life wanted to be somewhere (ANYWHERE) else at that point ....I have NO idea what she said after those words....I was too busy concentrating on walking up my 16 clean steps (thanks to my mother in law who has been nervously cleaning all day) to fall apart in my bedroom.

Everyone has been so excited for us and on edge about the results all day...I knew I had to say something, so it came in the form of a mass text message with the simple words "It didn't work".....I've been getting crazy responses back left and right...I don't have the energy to look at my phone......

I know deep down the WORST hasn't come yet because my husband isn't home from work and I didn't have to see that look on his face yet.....I just want to scream that I am so sorry ....he shouldn't have to go through this .....God "blessed" me with these issues...not him.....

I can't deal with the whats next questions because right now I don't even know how I am going to survive the next five minutes.....The thought of doing that ALL OVER AGAIN takes those billions pieces of my heart and stomps on them!

This is NOT RIGHT! I KNEW IT WAS NEGATIVE but someone forgot to tell my heart........