10.28.2009

Happy Halloween Wordless Wednesday!!

My First Wordless Wednesday Post!

My Nephew's Second Halloween!

Is he not the definition of love? <3


Sidenote: the costume was too heavy so my dad had to hold up the top part so we could get the picture =)

10.26.2009

Hope!

It might be the many hormones that I am supossiting (is that a word? well now it is!) ...or maybe it's just the mood I'm in but (are you sitting down?) I actually like the two week wait! GASP! I know ...I know!!! These two weeks are magical.....everything means something and it's all baby related. Twinges in the stomach (might be gas) ..definitely the baby!!! Sore boobs (could be because my period is coming)...definitely the baby!!! Nausea over everything and heightened sense of smell (maybe my house smells funny)....NOPE ..definitely the baby!!!! The two week wait is like the Christmas season.....everyone's jolly (and it's OK if you gain ten pounds).

This is also the time where I LOVE to be around other mom's .....I finally feel like I am part of the club. Well, I am not sure if I am pregnant but I could be so I totally fit in now!!! I was at a party on Friday night surrounded by mommies and I was absorbing all of the information......potty training....Halloween customs and costumes......dealing with the new baby.....I was making mental notes of everything!!! I could have listened to it forever.....

Now I know just a couple of days ago I was saying that I wasn't allowing myself to think about it....but seriously who was I kidding? I am 8 days past the IUI's and its all I can think about. And of course I realize that in just seven days, when Nurse BFF calls with the news, my whole world could fall apart....those magical pains go back to being just pains and I can be once again left on the outside of the mommy club (I mean seriously...how long does someone have to pound on the door before you let me in?!?!?). But on the other hand, this could be it!!

See what I mean? The two week wait is a torturous and magical time! It's a time of hope ....

Once you choose hope, anything's possible. ~Christopher Reeve

10.22.2009

Infertility Learned Helplessness

I am currently working on my masters in reading education. This week's focus was on motivating students and the term learned helplessness came up. We talked about it all week.....what it is....how we help students overcome it. As I worked on my paper yesterday, I read this definition " the expectation, based on experience, that one's actions will ultimately lead to failure" and as I sat and thought about the definition, I started to realize that I suffer from this.....

I have learned to be helpless when it comes to my fertility issues. The experiences of constant failure has lead me to believe and to doubt the fact that it might ever happen naturally for us. We finally had the opportunity to do the IUI and Nurse BFF confirmed today that I did ovulate (which is a celebration in itself) so our chances are as great as any and I still sit here in fear. Today is day 4 of my two week wait and the insanity of it all is already setting in! A simple thought that I could possibly be pregnant comes in and I won't allow myself to think it. I stop it quickly reminding myself that I am saving the me that is going to be falling apart in 11 days from a whole new level of heartache. If I truly believe I am not pregnant, then it shouldn't hurt right? I wish it was this easy. Maybe deep deep down I still really want to believe....but that's between you and I.

After three years of trying, how can one not be overcome with the feeling of failure? Month after month, failed pregnancy test after failed pregnancy test really leaves some marks on your soul. It truly changes a person and there aren't enough words to explain it.

I promised myself (and my hubby) that I will NOT test early. In eleven days...I will let the blood work talk (secretly hoping that a break from my normal obsessive testing ritual will break a bad streak of negative tests...I mean I did things differently so it has to work right?)

.......Am I strong enough is the question?

10.18.2009

Let's Do This

So we did our second IUI today. I stayed up late last night to watch the Yankees kick ass (of course) so both Hubby and I were SUPER tired and ya know something....I just didn't want to be there! Of course I wanted to get the IUI ...but the smell of the office building almost made me sick to my stomach and truth be told...I AM TIRED OF GOING THERE! We have been there what 6 times in the past 10 days! We walked into the office and I was greeted by my name before we even signed in (Yup! I definitely have been there too much).

Dr. "I-don't-know-what-the-hell-just-happened" was on call again (UGH). We sat down and hubby said it felt like we never left! They had bagels again today so that must be something they do every weekend for their patients and it just goes to show you how awesome of an office this is!

We go in for the IUI ...less questioning today than yesterday but the nurse still had to come in and try to trip me up on the questions. And here comes Dr "I-don't-know-what-the-hell-just-happened"....he walks in the door and says "OK! Let's do this!" No "Hi how are you today?" Just plain "OK! Let's do this!" .....I felt like a prostitute who was getting screwed out of money! But once again...that was just something that made Hubby and I laugh afterwards =)

So here we go.......the two week wait!!!

10.17.2009

The Long Awaited IUI #1

We did it!!!
My little follicle that could...did! We did our first IUI this morning. We arrived once again at the office 5 minutes early. Hubby was excited to see there were bagels again! We went into the waiting room and I got called for my blood work right away. I go back to the lab and there is LOUD music blasting....a Sean Paul CD....I love me some Sean Paul music! I like to "shake that thing"...just NOT at 6 in the morning. And then when I thought it couldn't get any worse..the guy taking my blood started dancing! He was dancing around the lab and then was ACTUALLY dancing while taking my blood. Please tech taking my blood, don't shake your ass or man junk while you have a needle in my arm collecting blood. I was super annoyed ....and then I noticed it....THE DR ON CALL ....Dr. " I-don't-know-what-the-hell-just-happened"....CRAP!

Hubby said to me before we went in "Watch him not be able to find the follicle"....and that was what happened....Not only could he not find the follicle...HE COULDN'T FIND MY LEFT OVARY! Now I'm not doctor or even a lover of biology but I am pretty sure that the left ovary is on the left and it stays on the left. After a VERY uncomfortable examination....we got the very limited information that Dr."I-don't-know-what-the-hell-just-happened" is famous for. "It's over 20. We will do the IUI". Although limited ....the news was so exciting!

Next Hubby did his business and it was time for my shot. The nurse called me in and asked if everything was OK. She must have known I was gonna pass out. She gave me the option of my stomach or my thigh and she said we would go with my thigh from the color white I turned when she mentioned my stomach. The shot itself was painless....really just a little prick...but my leg started to throb for a bit after.

After that we had an "hour" wait (they say its an hour...but it so wasn't an hour....much longer). We had a bagel (thanks doc!) and sat in the car (I needed to get out of there for a bit). We got called back about 9 to do the IUI and you would think I was going to the bank to withdraw millions. We had to sign two pieces of paper after verifying info with nurse one. Then nurse two comes in and tries to trip me up with questions...seriously...rapid fire questions " Name" "Partners Name" "Birthday" "Partners Birthday"....then Dr. "I-don't-know-what-the-hell-just-happened" comes in and had to verify the info again. When he asked my name I almost laughed ...You have seen me without pants on twice already and now you are asking my name =). Then we were ready to go..

Procedure slightly uncomfortable in the beginning but SO worth it! After the doctor left the room, Hubby says to me "I feel like I'm at a casino...everyone is wishing us a generic good luck...like they do when you cash in chips or sit down at a table and change money". I hadn't noticed it until a nurse came back in and did it and then we both started laughing.

So here I am ...resting in bed on my laptop writing to you all! IUI # 2 is scheduled for tomorrow morning ...we have an appt! Thank God because we spent like 4 hours there this morning.

So come on egg....."I think you can" "I think you can"

10.15.2009

My Little Follicle That Could

Good News today!!! WE HAVE A FOLLICLE PEOPLE!!! 19 mm. I am so happy!

It all started this morning with my sock choice. I have a huge cute sock fetish and today I wore my brand new pair of socks that say "Lucky Girl" with a shamrock! They are so meant for St. Patrick's Day but hey I'm Irish ....so It's OK!! We only waited like 5 minutes in the waiting room (it was SO nice to have an appt!). Dr Godfather came in ....Did I tell you how much I love this guy? I was so nervous before he came in and then I was completely calm. I told him I was ready to go with my lucky socks on.

He went right to the right ovary and checked on that first follicle that we had been watching. NO GROWTH ....I took a deep breath -thinking we were done....then he swings over to the left and there it is....NICE AND HUGE on the screen!! 19 MM!!!! Seriously...I was so proud...they should start giving infertiles pictures of our follicles =) Just like the little engine that could....that's my little follicle that could....it was going to get there...it just did it in its own time =) As soon as the egg releases, it will be chanting "I think I can" "I think I can" all the way through fertilization! As my mom pointed out this morning, It's my little egg that will

Dr. Godfather is thinking it will be ready on Saturday for the IUI ....which means our IUI's will be Saturday and Sunday (still on the weekend...just a week later)....but I need to do an OPK tonight to see if I surge. If so, we go in tomorrow morning! Nurse BFF called and said my estrogen level was good ......everything is moving right along....couldn't be happier!

10.13.2009

I'm Jenn and I'm an emo-foodaholic

Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I could refer to myself as anything emo. But it happened folks....I am an emo-foodaholic (also known as an emotional eater). I have always known that when life gets rough, I get sweets but this morning brought me to a whole new realization.....I had my first ever Food Binge Hangover. What is a food binge hangover you ask? Its when you wake up the next morning and realize that you ATE your way through a problem, which in turn makes your problem worse and you have all the hangover symptoms....upset stomach ...check! Nausea...check! Utter regret....check! Swearing that you will never do it again....check!!! Headache...check! (Granted the headache was probably from crying...but it's all related)!

Let me back up and explain what sent me to Halloween candy hell last night. Nurse BFF called and explained they didn't see what they needed to see yesterday. There was SOME growth but it wasn't a lot so I have to go back on Thursday for another ultrasound and blood work this time. The ultrasound to check the growth again and the blood work to check my estrogen level. Nurse BFF said if my estrogen level is low, the doctor will need to see us because the Clomid isn't doing it's job and he will probably want to add injectibles. AHH Those injectibles...I cringed after hearing it...not just because I hate needles but because Nurse BFF says they cost $2000 a month and we have NO COVERAGE for it. After discussing this with her, my main reaction was to have a nervous breakdown on the phone....but I sucked my cheeks in and bit my lips to stop myself from crying. As soon as I hung up the phone though...I fell apart!

I was trying so hard not to overreact ...I mean..I know that there is a possibility everything will work out on Thursday...that my estrogen might be high and they will put me back on Clomid (Clomid side note: I know that is sooo weird...but I completely trust them). However a lifetime of things just not working out for me has left me bitter and weary. Each time I would convince myself to stop crying...I would just as soon start again.....I actually cried myself into a nap...

Upon waking up..I knew I had to go to the store and pick up my meds....This is where I lost control.....with eyes swollen and nose stuffed...I ventured to CVS and somewhere in the Halloween aisle ...amidst the Reese's and the Hershey's and the Willy Wonka Mix-up....I picked up a bag of candy....Nope...not for trick or treaters folks....but for me and my ungrown follicles....To make matters worse...I stopped at McDonald's .....I know I know people...I have a problem.....

So I woke up with my food binge hangover today after a night of a candy coma.....and I realized I am an emotional eater....yup....an emo-foodaholic....Picture yourself a teenager described as an "emo" and I am sure that is what I looked like in CVS yesterday! I definitely was sporting MAJOR cry face!

So here is what I propose.....Next time I have an emotional breakdown (which will probably be Thursday)....someone needs to tie me up and make me stare at all my "fat" pictures. You know those pictures that you look at and say "I am NEVER EATING AGAIN".......That oughta do the trick.

oh....and I bit off all my nails...so apparently I'm not just an emo-foodaholic..I am a manicurist's worst nightmare too!

10.12.2009

I Don't Know What Happened!

I know you are all dying to know what happened at my Dr's visit this morning and the truth is ...I have no friggen idea. Hubby and I decided to be early today. We walked through the door five minutes before opening to once again a room full of waiting people (OK so seriously....are these people hired actors to make the waiting room look busy?). I'm surprised I didn't see remnants of camping gear on my way in....its ridiculous....so we had another LOOOONG wait this morning.

Unfortunately Dr Hurry was not our Dr today.....We had a different guy. He came in....seemed nice enough....started spouting all these numbers off to the nurse from my ultrasound. When he was done, he started to look at my chart and talk something about Clomid. Now I don't know if I was in a daze or he was not making sense but he said something about coming back on Thursday ....and possibly retaking clomid again this cycle (has anyone ever heard of this...it seems weird to me) ....and just like that he was out the door. The nurse stayed behind a minute so I asked about the sizes of my follicles and she said (and I quote) " It could be 12.5 or 13...it's still in the same bracket....a nurse will call you later" and then she was out the door and I literally turned to my husband and uttered the words "WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?"!

Dr. "I-don't-know-what-the-hell-just-happened" didn't bother explaining anything to us...in fact he seemed confused himself.....I'm sure there was a point where he was actually mumbling to himself...So I would love to have more information for you all but the only thing I understood was "See you on Thursday".

I'm praying this isn't Dr. "I-don't-know-what-the-hell-just-happened"'s week to do morning monitoring.....

10.11.2009

Grow Follicle..... GROW!

So we had our big doctors appt. on Saturday. Hubby and I figured that since they open at 6, that we would be there for 6! We even pulled up early and sat in the car for five minutes. So you can imagine my surprise when I walk into the office at 6:01 and there are FIFTEEN PEOPLE in front of me!!!!!! What did they camp out? Seriously people ...this is a doctors office...not Ticketmaster! And that LOOONNNNNGGGG wait was so good for my nerves!

We go into the examination room and I get prepped for yet ANOTHER ultrasound! The same doctor I had last time came in. Very nice man....but he's kinda like a wham-bam-thank you maam- doctor....in and out .....it was like this " ok ...one follicle 11 mm....let's have you come back in two days...any questions?...have a great day"! In and out....He's Dr. Hurry! Dr. Hurry only found one follicle and it was 11 mm. I guess it needs to be 18 to 22. So back we go again tomorrow morning. PLEASE FOLLICLES GROW!!!

I had the most INSANE dreams with what little sleep I got Friday night...One dream was we did the IUI and the sperm kept swimming the wrong way ...they were swimming out...not up! Another was that I was calling after a failed IUI and the doctor couldn't see me until MARCH! I was totally freaked out and I remember feeling so helpless.

By the way....the doctors office had a HUGE spread of bagels and cream cheese put out for the patients. I thought that was wonderful! Not that I was even able to eat...because I wanted to puke from nerves...but still it was REALLY nice for everyone else! On the other hand...I'd like a baby ..not a bagel please =)

10.09.2009

Nerves.....

Can someone please tell me how to get those "nerves of steel" that everyone is talking about?!?!? I swear I have nerves of fishing wire or maybe nerves of a rubber band (sometimes things bounce off but it also snaps!). I am soo anxious for our visit to the RE's office for our possible IUI. My brain is running all over the place....I'm worried about the follicles ...I'm worried if the follicles are good that I have to get that shot....I'm worried that I will feel pain even remotely close to the HSG pain that I felt.......I swear...IS THAT A GRAY HAIR?!

On a different note...I was thinking ....when our kids ask where babies come from we REALLY don't have to explain the whole sex thing. "See honey, babies come from something that looks like a turkey baster....They mix some of daddy's brains and patience with mommy's good looks and love for shopping ...and here you are!"

What's the birds and the bees?! A fiction story I tell ya!!!

I would also like to state for the record that I am NOT happy with the fact that I want to eat when I am stressed out......Seriously!??! Couldn't I be one of those people that like to go running....or work out? Or even better yet....Why can't I be one of those people that CAN'T eat when they are stressed out?!?!? So I eat when I am stressed out and I shop when I am upset/depressed....ya know what that leaves me? A whole closet full of clothes that don't fit!

Say a prayer for us that everything works out tomorrow and that we are able to do the iui so I don't feel the need to shop and eat all weekend =)

10.03.2009

Karma's a Bitch and So am I!!!

I'M A BITCH! There I said it!!! If you know me, you know this. I am VERY protective over people I care about and love. I also know what I want and am not afraid to speak my mind. It's one of the many reasons people love me (but is also one of the many reasons people feel the need to talk about me). Despite my hard shell, I am very sensitive and even if I don't want to, I get my feelings hurt easily. Maybe I turn on the bitch as a dealing mechanism.....I'd rather be pissed at you than for you to see me cry....and the worst thing of all I tend to hold grudges (ESPECIALLY against people that have hurt people I love).

So many things have been bothering me lately and I came to a point where I said "I don't want to be bothered with this anymore"...I found myself thinking I would be OK if I never spoke to a certain people again....How I just don't want to be bothered with their crap....their drama...and I found myself thinking today that I need to cut certain ties and focus on me......

And then this little word popped into my mind....karma!

Kinda the idea that what you give to the world, you get from the world....and then I started to think of what I would say to my child about these situations....Don't judge so easily.....How will I possibly be able to give my children that advice when I am not following it myself? Isn't it hurting me more to turn my back? What example do I want to lead for my children one day? What do I want them to understand?? And it's really simple....

..Love is love and some relationships/friendships are worth fighting for.

Didn't I learn this already? I figured this out quickly in the romance department.....when I was just 18 and I KNEW I wanted to marry my husband.....We had a hell of an 8 year long distance relationship and every tear I cried and laugh we shared was worth it when I walked down that aisle with him waiting for me at the end.

So why is it different with friends and family? Is this what our 20's are about? I just realized this is not the person I want to be, the person who turns her back on people! I wasn't raised that way.....I was given the gift of an open mind from my parents...which is one of the best things they could have given me....I want my children to have the same.....Maybe all these years of trying to "figure out who I am" actually made me lose a little bit of who I want to be.... I may always be a bitch and extremely protective of my friends and family but I will also be more forgiving.....It's time to be a better person.....

How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours. ~Wayne Dyer

10.01.2009

Mama Worries....

Does anyone ever sit down and wonder what kind of parent they will be? I've been thinking about this over the last few days. Sometimes I just look over at the hubby and try to picture us with kids. I guess people that don't have to deal with infertility probably don't give this much thought until they are actually going to have a baby....it's been different in my case.

I LOVE children! That's why I became a teacher......I know I am great with children.....but how am I going to be when they are my own. I don't think anyone wakes up in the morning and says "I'm going to be a bad mother today"....and what even constitutes being a bad mother? Having worked in schools I have seen many types of moms and I feel like I am always making mental notes.....trying to prepare.... I look at some people who have it all together ..they are the definition of an "ideal mom" with less than perfect children and on the other hand ....I look at someone who has not been a good role model and has perfect kids......Is it genetics? Nature Vs. Nurture for sure!!

I am so ready (soooooo ready) to have a family.....I love my hubby so much and I love the life we have and the relationship we share but I know something is missing. I love that we are both excited for the procedures and of the future that we hope and pray lays before us. Each time we have a quick little chat about a baby, my heart skips a beat. (My favorite is still the fact that he wants a papoose carrier for when the baby is up at night so he can play video games).

I was beating myself up today...I don't cook enough....I'm not as on top of my cleaning as I should be....Sometimes I wash all the laundry and DON'T hang it up and it sits in piles for days (OK weeks)....I really should vacuum more....all these crazy thoughts running through my head.....but I figured out..IT'S OK....the only person expecting me to be perfect when all this finally does happen is me and it's OK if I don't have it all figured out in the beginning. I thinking that my insanity for perfection will probably make me June Cleaver-ish with my children ....

......I guess time will tell........