7.30.2009

Even the Dolls Mock Me!

I'm feeling bitchy tonight....like stick-your-foot-out-and-trip-someone-bitchy!! I'm in a F-U-N-K!

I got a call from my dad (who we refer to as Saver Dave-due to his ability to always save a buck) about a sale at Target, so I decided to check it out.....I get there...no good sale here....so I just walked around....I just happened to walk down the baby doll aisle and all of a sudden I hear " mama! mama" and "wahhh" I look and the friggen dolls are talking to me!!! WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN? Toy companies have now resorted to making the dolls talk based on movements....holy crap thats annoying!!! It just added to my mood... Great..... now toys are reminding me I don't have a child yet...even the dolls are mocking me!!!

I need some serious retail therapy to get out of my funk....

Sometimes Things Just Work Out

I had an exhausting beginning of the week. I haven't cried like that in a really long time. I was dealing with my emotions and had accepted our Aug. 31st appt. I didn't like it, but I accepted it. So I was just sitting and chatting with one of my best friends and my call waiting beeped in. I didn't know the number so I wasn't going to answer it, but I decided to anyway just in case it was a job prospect.

"Hello Jennifer? This is Angel calling from Dr. Godfather's office. I saw that you had to cancel your appointment with us suddenly and that you couldn't get another appointment until August 31st. I have an opening that I wanted to know if you wanted so that you didn't have to wait so long"

O......M.....G......I SERIOUSLY THINK I SQUEALED!!! Her name is not really Angel...but it might as well be! And my doctors name really isn't Dr. Godfather. I am calling him Dr. Godfather because we chose his name based on the fact that it is the same name of my godfather.

So our new appt is TUESDAY!!! ONLY FIVE DAYS AWAY!!! I have always been a firm believer in everything happens for a reason, I say that to everyone, so when someone said it to me amidst my breakdown I didn't want to hear it. I couldn't possibly imagine what the reason was....and then Angel called!! But the series of events needed to happen so that we would be in a better place for it. We needed to have that fight....and I needed to cry for hours and think and finally realize all the things I did. I needed to blog and be OK with talking about it. All that stuff needed to happen to us...we are in such a different place now. A good place....a place of understanding....and you might be skeptical that it happened so fast but I think something just switched "on" for both of us. My hubby is actually looking forward to the appointment and seems to have accepted that we need to go (and soooo grateful to Angel that she called because I was instantly put on cloud 9 from my bad/sad mood).

So I am sorry God....but you actually only have 5 days to finish up our blueprints for our perfect little daughter...I mean baby.....That's OK, You have been working on them for three years....they don't need to be a rocket scientist like you had planned (but president some day might be nice)!!!

(And a serious thank you for all those who take the time to read my blog and the words of encouragement and support you give!!! There isn't enough words of appreciation!)

7.28.2009

35 more days....

OK so I miscounted....TODAY is thirty five days away from our next appt. I've had some crazy emotions yesterday. I feel like I shouldn't be airing our "dirty laundry" on the Internet but it's all bottled up and I need to spill some out...so I am going to do it here....

I've figured out that although the waiting the extra thirty five days is heartbreaking, what truly killed me the most yesterday was the fact that my husband couldn't understand why I was so upset. There have been questions raised over the years by me about his willingness to accept everything that comes along with trying to have a baby with someone with PCOS. He has always seemed hesitant for the ideas of doctors and "planned sex". This isn't an ideal situation. To be honest, I feel pretty friggen cheated out of one of woman's god given rights! I still don't understand why this had to be me....or if it had to be me, why do I love children so much. I was always asked what I wanted to be when I got older. A variety of things always came out of my mouth (singer, lawyer, marketing exec, teacher) but the one thing that stayed constant in my heart was my need to be a wife and a mother. It's almost that build up of wanting it so bad and dreaming of it for 29 years that hurts the most on days like yesterday and today.

Yesterday was the first time in our three year marriage that I really really thought of leaving. We have had some big fights before and I have questioned if life would have been easier on my own but I knew deep down I was just mad and I couldn't live without him. Yesterday was different. The pain and grief I felt over the fact that he didn't seem to "get it" was insane . I think yesterday was the first time I realized that I had been kidding myself. He wasn't excited about the appt like I was...or like I was trying to convince myself he was....it was the agony of realizing that we were on different pages for an issue that in my eyes is non-negotiable. We have been together for eleven years. He knew the deal when we were getting married. I have had PCOS since I was 21...8 years I have been dealing with this and trying to come to terms with it....I thought we both had accepted that we needed help.....I didn't realize that I had accepted it for him ..instead of with him....

It put me in this bad place.....a place where the unimaginable would happen....a place where I actually pictured the logistics to leaving and how I would make it on my own. He came home from work and I kept searching for something in his face that wasn't cold and calculated....I couldn't find it...His words (although maybe not intentional) were matter of factly! I was stunned....I cried all day yesterday and he had no emotion......I felt defeated....

We both yelled and it was followed by the eery silence, the silence that is so quiet but yet so loud. All of our words just hung there in the air ....I decided to get something to eat and check the mail .....I had nothing to say to him and I just left....It was the next chain of events that changed things for me .....

I checked the mail and we received some silly little thing from our landlord about parking in our community. I found myself wanting to rush home to tell him ...and when I picked up food...almost effortlessly I ordered him something also ....This man, as CRAZY as he drives me, is my best friend. The awkwardness disappeared when I got home and we started to talk about the parking issue. Here I was so hurt and mad, but talking to him about this parking issue was comforting.

I knew then I couldn't leave. Yes I wanted to be a wife so bad when I was little but now I want to be his wife. And although we seemed to be on separate pages with the baby thing yesterday, I want to be the mother of his children. You see when I picture my life as a mom, he's there. He is sitting there right next to me as I imagine our beautiful children. And he truly is my best friend. There is such comfort in being with someone, just sitting next to someone, and feeling safe and relaxed....no words have to be spoken, sometimes its just a look or a touch ....he gets me...he might not "get it" but he gets me and that's what truly matters.

So we talked....everything is far from better....I am still incredibly sad and still hurt but I am working through it...but we appear to be on the same page right now. We are going to use these 35 days to hash out the differences and to make things positively better for us, both individually and as a couple.

So God, here is your thirty five day warning to start crafting us the blueprint for our perfect baby! Let the countdown begin....

7.27.2009

Hell hath no fury like a want-to-be-mother scorned

The longest distance between two people is the word reschedule! I was all prepared to go to my consultation ....I was ready...I am ready...I was prepared to be poked and prodded all for the chance that next month we could FINALLY be pregnant. And then that dirty word came out.....

reschedule---He can't miss work tomorrow, even though I have been continously telling him to tell his bosses about the appt. He always "forgot". How does he forget, when its all I can think about!?!? How can he possibly just keep forgetting...and now he needs to be be in work and we both need to be at the appt, so I'm guessing you are seeing now who gets screwed in this deal!? me

You can't make it right when you know that it's wrong

My heart is in a million little pieces, the sobbing won't stop and I'm actually feel like I'm gonna throw up. I feel like something died...but didn't it? Didn't my dreams and hopes just get flushed down the toilet like waste, like they belonged there?? THIRTY FIVE more days.... You have no idea how long that is for a woman who wants a baby....Haven't I already waited long enough?

7.20.2009

Dear America

Dear America,

Please stop creating teachers until all the already certified teachers can find jobs!!! I don't know who came up with the whole "we need teachers in this country" speech but PLEASE STOP TELLING PEOPLE THAT?!?!?! The problem with this message you are relaying is that you probably need teachers in high school and all the people are getting certified in elementary....see what I am saying......I am getting exhausted looking at 300 different districts websites daily to see if new jobs have posted, and then waiting by the phone for days....and nothing....So please America (or New Jersey) for that matter, focus on a new career to push. I need some money to feed my shopping habit!

Thanks!

This-out-of-work-Elementary-teacher-who-actually-wants-to-go-back-to-work.....

7.17.2009

My name is Jenn ...and I'm a shopaholic......

I have a shopping problem....Everyone that knows me ..knows this....I LOVE to shop....In fact...its probably one of my most endearing qualities .....who else will walk around the mall with you for ten hours and go in each store, be brutally honest with your outfit choices, all while "we fix the economy"??

Went to the outlets today with one of my best friends! Ahhh...the outlets!!! It is probably equatable for me to some people's houses of worship....I feel at peace at the outlets....all the options....all the sales....(not to mention the added bonus of the exercise you are doing walking around each store and lifting weights by carrying all those bags!!) ....I mean the mall is a special place...but the outlets...well they are just HEAVEN!!!

I am what I would call a picky sales shopper...I am always looking for a good deal...now don't you start to get confused that I am cheap...because if I find something I absolutely LOVE ..I will buy one in EVERY color and style (note the HUGE selection of Havaianas I have)!!! I like a deal....I like to feel like I'm getting something out of the bargain.....As so cleverly put by Sophia Kinsella....It's an investment.....

However, in recent years....my taste has gotten expensive.....It all started with that magical Dooney and Burke purse I needed for Christmas like 6 years ago!!! I was so excited ....The purse was magical.....It even made me upgrade my flight to see my boyfriend (now hubby) to first class...The bag made me do it...I couldn't possibly put my purse in coach....it was there I realized labels have magical powers!!!

Have you ever slipped on a pair of Manolo's and felt like Cinderella?? I did....last year...I couldn't take them off....the feeling was amazing...$350 dollars amazing......There is a series of steps that you go through as a label lover .....Step One...convince yourself you need them...I tend to have a wider foot so I can't wear a lot of those really really cute shoes! These were sandals so they are perfect, with no heel so they won't hurt my feet and HONESTLY..when am I ever going to find another pair of Manolo's that fit me! It was fate!!! Step two-Convince your friends you need them. I happened to be shopping with my step mother in law ...this step didn't take long.... Step three (the worst step of all)-Convince the husband you need them- I knew this was gonna be tough....But it worked...Happy Birthday/Anniversary/Christmas/ Valentines Day/ St. Patrick's Day/ Earth Day to me! I left Nordstroms walking on air.....(I think I have worn them three times)

The problem with loving labels is that there is always something better!!! I started with Dooney and Bourke...and that got old.....so I moved to Coach...which got old and I am currently LOVING Kate Spade!!! However, I always have my eye on Louis Vuitton.....(Does it make me a bad person that I sat and debated last night if I would rather take a Louis V over a fertility treatment...I mean come on...The Louis V. is a sure thing...while the fertility treatment is only a chance......) ...There will always be something better.....

OOo...that reminds me there is a pair of Juicy earrings I want from Nordstroms....better get them before they sell out....Can somebody write Obama???...I'm gonna need a bailout plan!!!

7.16.2009

The fear of fat

OK lets face it...I'm not thin.....I deal with that EVERY TIME I look in the mirror. I deal with it every time I go clothes shopping and can't find anything to wear. I deal with it each time I eat because I know I have a serious problem with food. I deal with it every friggen day of my life........

so what is up with people making comments about it?!!?!?! Did you think I forgot? Do you think when I look in the mirror I have friggen blinders on? I see it jackass....I don't need stupid shits like you to remind me!! And Yes I am sensitive about it!

I swear the fear of fat is like the new racism, or sexism......Except it is "against the rules" to say things about either of those...but somehow completely acceptable to make fat jokes ...who cares how the person feels...they are fat anyway right?

I have my own anxieties about my weight...I don't need them reinforced by other people....Some people don't even realize they do it....." He's afraid I'll look like you"....and some people make comments to others thinking we won't hear them...." What happened to her? She BLEW UP"

So why is it acceptable to make those kind of jokes? Or to say those kinds of things? They hurt people!!! They sting so bad that they stay with you....The BLEW UP comment was made like SIX YEARS AGO and I still get the wanna-crawl-into-bed-and -hide-under-the-covers-forever feeling....How am I supposed to feel comfortable in my own skin with people always judging me?!?!

I told one of my best friends yesterday that I was going to start to have a positive outlook on life and not let stuff bother me ...Guess I have to start tomorrow........

7.14.2009

Tales of a wayward (god)mother

I had the pleasure of having my two godkids spend a few days with us this past weekend. My goddaughter is twelve and my godson is ten. I haven't had the opportunity to take them overnight or anything since my goddaughter was about six months. I was seventeen at the time and swore I could take care of a six month old overnight. Well she cried the whole night, nothing worked....to the point where I went out to walk her in her carriage at 2:30 in the morning while it was drizzling. She was FINALLY quiet and then we went back in the house.......It was a long night and I decided I needed birth control pills~

Twelve years later, I was stoked to spend the weekend with them. They live in AZ and I don't get to see them very often. I could tell my hubby was a little apprehensive about having the kids for the weekend. Despite his groaning, we picked them up Friday night!!! Things were going great...we went and got ice cream....came back and sat and talked! Got the kids ready for bed...kissed them good night..and I got into bed thinking " I am so ready for this...I can definitely be a mom!"

The next morning I took my goddaughter to get pedicures while the hubby stayed home with my godson playing video games. We ate lunch together and started to get ready for the luau we went to. I was on top of the world......

So I asked the kids if they wanted to go swimming at the luau...they both said no....I thought ok no problem. Well once we got there, they were staring at the pool like it was a big vat of ice cream. NOTE TO SELF: always pack the kids bathing suits, even if they tell you they dont want to go swimming.

So time goes on...they are both looking incredibly bored, I give them my iphone to play with which seems to keep them content...Until it started to get dark and my poor goddaughter who had this cute little dress on was FREEZING. I mean teeth chattering and everything....NOTE TO SELF: always pack jackets!!!

I was feeling bad...and then it happened....a mosquito bit me!! I didn't have bug spray!!!! not only does she not have a jacket....but now this cute little dress is giving the mosquitos plenty of options.....She has eleven mosquito bites on her legs alone the next day...NOTE TO SELF: Carry bugspray, oh and you might want to have calamine lotion for when she is scratching all the mosquito bites...

Feeling defeated...I went home and got some rest to head to the Jersey Shore the next day! We headed down to the shore...which was about a two hour drive and my goddaughter had a woman issue....I had nothing for her to change in to.....so we ran to the first store on the boardwalk and bought her a new pair of shorts. NOTE TO SELF: when you go on long car ride trips...it might be helpful to bring a new change of clothes!!

Thinking it couldnt get any worse....I remembered I never sprayed them with sunscreen....I know shoot me now!!! NOTE TO SELF: Always spray the kids with sunscreen!

I beat myself up about it all day....but its ok...they didnt burn and I am learning....I am still learning and Im not afraid to admit that! I now know that I obviously need to have a bag at all times that has: a bathing suit, towel, change of clothes, jacket, bug spray, calamine lotion and sunscreen!

We had a great time though....my husband even enjoyed it!!! Next year, Im gonna get them for a couple days longer...We promised them that we would spend the night at the shore next year, because the time was so rushed and I am hoping that we have our own little bundle of joy to bring along next year!

7.10.2009

Potpourri

So lately some really freaky things have been happening....I hear babies....It automatically makes me think of the whole "I see dead people" thing...it sounds weird....trust me I know. A couple of weeks ago, I was in a car with my father in law and my step-mom in law and I was driving and I swear I heard a baby laugh. I turned to them and said OMG did you hear that ...and neither of them have heard anything. It was so weird.

Then just this morning, I jumped up to the sound of an newborn crying. I expected to hear it outside and nothing....so I can only imagine that it was in my dreams...why must my subconscious be so cruel too?

So on twitter a question was asked from conceive about our favorite part of ttc? I know mostly everyone would expect to say the sex! Don't get me wrong...that's yummy...but my favorite part is the two weeks of hopefulness. The two weeks where you "could" be....I LOVE those weeks!!! I also love the what if conversations that my husband and I have when we are laying in bed. Neither of us have a child so we don't know what it is going to be like....so we talk about scenarios and I couldn't love him more during those moments....We had a great one last night:

Me: " Wow it's gonna suck when we have a baby because I love sleeping and its going to be very interrupted." (all the things to keep trying to convince myself that maybe my heart wont stop beating if I dont have a child like right now!!! )

Him: " Yea that will suck"

Me: "I'm gonna be such a bitch"

Him: " So no different than you are normally" j0king around!

Me: " So much worse"

Him: " I got it all figured out. I'll just stay up all night and play video games so I can take care of him"

Me: " that's a great idea! you can take care of HER"

Him " you mean him"

Me: " no...I mean her...I will hear you explaining the ins and outs of the video game to our newborn won't I?"

Him: "Yep!"

Does everyone see why I love him so much?!?!?! We have so many of those short little what if conversations ...It really is one of the things that help me get through the day!

One of the other things that gets me through the day is my hope chest! I had to take a job in a children's clothing store when we lived in San Diego...It was brutal being around all the babies and pregnant woman ....so someone gave me the idea to start a hope chest. It started small....I would pick up things I HAVE to have here and there (yes I have a shopping problem....there is no denying it) and it grew. My hubby took me out to buy a wicker chest (with pink on it of course) and it is full to the brim. I felt weird explaining it to our families but they have been so wonderful...I know they feel the same pains that we feel and they sometimes even add to our chest. Right now it is buried in my closet...but on those really difficult days ...I pull it out and look at and lay out all the wonderful stuff I have...It helps me cope!

Our reproductive endocrinologist appt is in 18 days!!!! Please let everything work out this time!!! I had a somewhat normal period last month so around now would be the time I should be ovulating......I never even thought of doing those OPK's this time around ....of course we are on top of it just in case....

7.09.2009

Dear Verizon Wireless....

I have been a loyal customer for nine years now. I never switched companies. I never complained about cell phone reception. I always paid my bill, even though my forgetfulness normally made it a couple days late (but sometimes it was even on time). I was definitely happy with my wireless company.

Before I get ahead of myself and start to tell you about the wretched people you employ in your company, let me start from the beginning....SEVEN YEARS AGO when this all started! I called to dispute a charge on my bill....ya know SEVEN YEARS AGO is a long time in the cell phone world....so there wasn't any of this reasonably priced plans with tons of minutes nor were there any type of text message plans that were actually decent. So I called, the guy on the phone told me something about fixing it by creating a new account or something. I'm really racking my brain here for information from that call...It was a LONG time ago and a lot of important stuff has happened since then. But OK..no problem...its solved.

Fast forward to a couple months later when I get a bill for unpaid services. Confused I once again call your company....There is a charge for a month of services because he switched my account....WAIT WHAT? I didn't ask him to switch my account...I have paid my bill religiously since then ..I'm sure I wasn't nice (haven't you heard its my hormones)....but I finally got someone to see my way ..and they said it would be taken care of....

.....FOUR YEARS LATER....I get a collection letter from you.....puzzled ...I call again....I need to talk to your financial department....I have to explain the whole thing again....They see what I am saying and they are taking care of it....
(hindsight...I am thinking you probably train all of your employees to tell customers that...It's a disgusting habit!!)

...Three blissful years go by.....My hubby and I decide we want new phones...We decide that we are gonna add him to my account ...so we go into the store, decide on the Blackberry storm....The very nice lady behind the counter starts to process all our info....There is a flag on my account for some reason....funny because when I went to upgrade the last time I had no problems...She calls to find out the issue. Your first "customer service" rep actually HUNG UP ON HER!!! The second person states I once again need to call the financial department and we CAN NOT get our phones that day!!! We spent TWO HOURS there ....I was humiliated!

I was bitchy (oops I mean hormonal)...I called customer service in the car and I got a non compassionate man on the phone "I really wish I could do something for you but I can't"! I threaten to go to another company and the response that I get is " I'm sorry to hear that"...OMG!!!

It was then and there Verizon that I had to break up with you....You were no longer giving me what I needed....I could go into the whole it wasn't you it was me song and dance....but I would be lying....I went out and I found a new plan! I know this is hard for you to hear but I am now with AT&T...and although they might not have the best service...they treat me like a lady...I mean customer! I knew that our break up would be messy...you wouldn't want to let me go easy and I understood that...I just never thought it would amount to (in every way of the word $$$) what it has..

........Back to the story.....I called your financial department the next afternoon....only to be told...it was a mistake on your part....it should be been erased seven years ago ..and I "fell through the cracks", which was put so eloquently by your staff. I asked to immediately be put to customer service so I could have that break up speech (cancel my contract). So I get transferred to someone...oh boy was this one a winner....I ask what its gonna cost me to get out of the relationship...she says $90 ...I think that's fair....so I tell her to terminate the service...I explain that I am annoyed and hurt by them and she says in her best valley girl impersonation...."OH MY GOD..WHAT HAPPENED?" ...I explain it and tell her I want out...She tells me that I will have use of my phone until July 7th and then it will be turned off..I will have to pay the 125 for the bill and the 90 to turn off....I am OK with that....I hang up feeling great...I did it....we broke up!!! Little did I know what a conniving bitch she was!!!

.......So fast forward to yesterday July 8th....surprise surprise...my phone isn't off....I check my bill...there is no termination fee....I put my boxing gloves on and call customer service (did I mention I am hormonal)....Poor Poor lady picks up the phone and I lose it!!! She pulls up the computer to find out that BARBIE never cancelled my account, as a matter of fact the spiteful bitch only put that I asked about my termination fee....THAT'S IT!!!! I flip out....I want my account terminated right that minute...and here is the wonderful wonderful bit of news I receive....because the phone wasn't shut off when I called...I have to pay another month!!!!! OMFG!!!!

....OK Verizon....I tried to make this easy for everyone...I didn't complain about the cancellation fee...I figured I would pay it and get on with my life....I was heart broken....My heart breaks a little each time I drop a call with AT& T....I felt bad....but No more!!! You are a bunch of conniving weasels who try to squeeze every penny possible out of every customer you can....I get that you think you are a big hot shot...but its the little people like me...who made your company so big!!! Instead of looking back on our times together with admiration...I now look with disgust...I should have left you a long time ago....

Sincerely,
MRS. AT&T!

7.02.2009

Frustrated!

I was talking with my mom tonight about my upcoming appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist and I started to stress about all the things we have going on ....Logistics of it ...this wasn't the best time to make the appointment, but I am so tired of waiting....Something always comes up ....we NEVER not have anything....there is always a reason ...always something that says wait....is there ever a good time to have children for anyone? I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders when seriously I should be able to focus on the family that I long for so bad! I'm so tired of waiting for the right time....Does everyone starting a family feel this guilt? Its guilt!! I feel guilty for wanting a child, like not I-ate-a-piece-of-candy-before-dinner-guilty...like panic-attack-guilty!

I know my family loves me and wants me to have a family and that they don't feel the way I feel... I just can't help it...I feel like I need validation from someone....for someone to tell me this is OK to feel like this! The desperation and despair is OK ..... somebody please tell me these are normal feelings!!

For ONCE IN MY LIFE, can things just line up and work out?!? For once, can the weight of this stress be taken away and the guilt that I am feeling over it disappear?? God...are you listening? I need you right now!