5.24.2009

It seems like only yesterday

I sit here, getting ready to go to AZ for my little brothers high school graduation ..and I'm feeling a little nostalgic....
....It seems like only yesterday I was getting my little brother ready for Halloween, where he was the lion, and I was drawing whiskers on his face with my black eyeliner....
....It seems like only yesterday my sister and I would be dancing around to music to try to get him to stop crying....
.....It seems like only yesterday I was there to watch him pull himself up in the crib for the first time....
....It seems like only yesterday the phrase "It was a joooooke..teabags!" was being said at our dinner table, (we should have known he would be the class clown)....
.....It seems like only yesterday where he would be able to walk under the island in the kitchen and we would all say "one day he will hit his head"....
....It seems like only yesterday I became superwoman when he got stuck under the bed during our family "camping"....
.....It seems like only yesterday watching my brothers kindergarten graduation, I knew I had to be a teacher.....
....It seems like only yesterday this little child stole my heart....

AND NOW
....And now there is this child who is all grown up .....who is starting college ..and one day getting married and having kids ....
.....And now there is this boy who is still the life of the party and has a fantastic sense of humor! Who can make anyone laugh with his jokes and has a heart of gold....
....And now there is this young adult who is my height (possibly taller) ...Whose hands no longer are the tiny hands that I used to hold....
...And now there is this man who I call my brother, who I love to pieces and am so proud of!!!!

I love you Seany Doo Wop!! Congratulations Class of 2009!!!

5.15.2009

To the SHEMS in my life

Dear Shems,

I have held this in way to long so let my words speak volumes tonight.

I do not need someone in my life who is always in constant need for gossip....I have realized that it is the fuel to our "relationship" and I am sickened by it. I don't need to have to watch every word I am saying or every thought I am having because you tend to play the role of gossip columnist and I always have the juicy news story. I will never forget how I was once the subject of those whispers.

I do not need to be left hanging on this abandoned vine of our relationship, surrounded by your fake intentions and smiles. I always defended you! I never turned my back but I am tired of feeling guilty for my accomplishments because of your failures. I'm exhausted by "us". I stood under you, trying to catch you ..but my net wasn't big enough. I stood with my arms wide open, unconditionally accepting you, and you turned the other way. You turned you back on me. There is only so much I can be in the cold shade before I become frost-bitten.

You don't even realize how much time you are wasting. I hope you realize it tonight. It's time to grow up and and accept the roles that life has given you. They are some of the most amazing people in the world and their crushed hearts enrage me. Life is too short to not let all words be spoken...you will realize it one day...I just hope it isn't too late!

So much poison has built over the years, starting from when I was little. Hey are you listening LOUD and CLEAR? I HOPE I AM JUST LIKE HER!!! I know I am ...and you know I am and that's why I don't fit in. Those heart shaped rocks in your chest have made you void of all emotion. You didn't even care....You didn't even care that you crushed him. That is unexcuseable in my book....I am tired of feeling the pressure to always do the right thing.


So here is to you my shems...Its because of your conditional love, that I have learned to love unconditionally and its because of your lack of dedication, that MY real family means the world to me.

A Sincere Thank You from me!

5.10.2009

Happy Un-Mother's Day To Me!

Mother's Day for women struggling to have a baby has to be the WORST day of the year!!! Yes, we all have wonderful women in our lives that really deserve to be celebrated.....I'm not taking the day away from you women.....But is it too much to ask to have a "Wanna be a mommy but god won't let me" day!?!?!?

I've been much better this year then I was the past few years....probably because I have the support of such AMAZING friends...but it still hurts! The whole hustle and bustle of reminders in everyday life is enough but once May rolls around (and my gloomy birthday is right away the corner), the reminders are more frequent and each one feels like a band-aid being pulled off......

........."Happy Mother's Day" from the woman at Kohls.....OUCH! I find myself wanting to explain to her all of my issues...but a simple growl with "you too" comes out....

..........The in your face MOM decorations, t shirts, plates, mugs, balloons, socks, ETC.....Each time I see it ...OUCH and the grinch in me wants to pull out a black sharpie and write NOT A above mom (my self restraints amaze me sometimes).....

......CARD SHOPPING.....As I am looking to get cards in the store for all the fabulous child-bearing ladies in my life, I come across a section from Husband to Wife and I am immediately holding back tears. It brings me back to each time my very supportive husband has looked at me and said with hope and love and sadness in his eyes " I want one" OUCH! That one hurt like a bitch!!!

......... THIS ONE IS MY FAVORITE......being in the presence of a certain someone and telling this certain someone that her baby is BEAUTIFUL and so well behaved and she responds with " I know I am so glad...I didn't even want children anyway" .....OUCH!


Today I will celebrate my un-mother's day by going shopping and spending the day with my fantastic husband (who has held me when I have cried for countless hours about other people's pregnancies)!! I will get through today...just as I have in the years past and tomorrow will once again be just another day.

5.08.2009

Who Is That Girl I See?

After living in what feels like an 8 year daze, I finally feel somewhat content. I love being back on the east coast and I love having my great friends back in my life. I feel like for the first time I have woken up since the nightmare of being diagnosed with PCOS.....and it's pretty scary to realize you don't know who is looking back at you in the mirror.
When I was diagnosed, I slipped into a DEEP depression....What do you mean I am going to struggle to have children, when that's the ONE thing I wanted most in my whole life??? So the doctor tells me " The younger you are, the easier it will be"! That didn't seem so traumatic at the age of 21 but with each passing birthday, the burden over my head grows larger and larger. So I started to eat.....
Had a bad day at school.....eat
had a good day at school......eat
stressed at job........eat
going out with friends....eat
I eat because I am bored....I eat because I am sad....I eat because I am stressed... I eat because I am awake (to quote a great friend of mine)

...............Fast forward to 8 years later....I am here looking in a mirror and wondering what the hell happened?!?!?! How did this happen??? Who is this girl???? Maybe it was ok to be fat me in California ...I was so miserable there....god I hated it!!! but that was who I was....that is how people knew me.....but now I am back and content with where I live and feel like I am having this out of body experience with who I am now. I can't possibly look like this.....

I hate the feeling of being ashamed, of wanting to avoid all social situations because of how I look, of being SO excited to see old friends but being sick over the fact that they will see who I have become.....but the old me has to still be inside right? or did it die when the doctor told me I had PCOS??? I feel like I wasted my 20's away hiding...I refuse to waste my 30's away!! I am on a mission to become comfortable in my own skin.....

I'm awake and I'm ready to break out of this body....I'm going to do this.....