12.03.2009

Are You There GOD, It's Me, Jenn

Dear God,

I want to start by saying that I might go to hell for this letter but I need to say what I am feeling. I don't get it God! Hubby and I have been trying to conceive for over THREE YEARS and nothing....NOTHING! We are both good people....we met in Catholic school for heavens sake ( Am I allowed to say that?). We stay out of trouble....we are both educated and we love each other very much ....but I guess that isn't enough....

PLEASE tell me what it takes.....I don't know how much longer I can deal with this emptiness and pain.....People are so fast to throw comfort words at me that involve you....telling me how you have a plan and that you wouldn't give me anything that I couldn't handle. I'm here to tell you its too much.....I have never in my life felt emptier than I do right now...

My father in law said to me a few weeks ago that we pray when we need you but that you answer in your own time...and I am trying so hard to comprehend that and to let it comfort me ...but it doesn't. I feel forgotten about and lonely....I have prayed on so many nights ...I've pleaded with you so many times and now I sit here questioning my faith.

Why is this so hard? Why are you making this so hard on us? Just tell me what I need to do for this to work! Tell me how to make this ache in my heart stop! I need to believe your real...I need to feel your presence...I need something.....Did I already cash my chips in when I pleaded with you to save my aunt? You did it! She was hours, moments even, away from dying and you saved her....now....I'm asking you to please save me!

If you need to talk to me, I'll be the one crying myself to sleep...with whatever faith I have left.

Love,
Jenn

3 comments:

A said...

I think this is an awesome letter :) And while I can't speak for God, I bet He loved it. Mostly because I think He wants us to bring Him our broken hearts and watch Him heal. It took a really long time (and alot of prayer like yours) for me to feel comfort in the idea that God responds in His time not mine. Even now when I pray for discernment, I don't feel very much response, but I know that I just need to be persistent and keep my eyes/heart open.

One of the things that helped me IMMENSELY is the devotional journal "Longing for a Child" by Kathe Wunnenberg. I totally recommend it!! Email me if you need to!

The Quest For Baby Hang said...

I completely understand. Every month for the past 3 years that we have gotten a BFN, I ask God why is this so hard? Why must WE go through this? I recently got re-saved over the summer, and now I am starting to question my faith, again. I just don't understand why God won't give my Husband and I a baby. Yes we both have fertility issues, but Miracles happen EVERYDAY. I want to know where MY miracle is?!!!! I really don't know what to say, because I have been there, am there. And if I get a BFN Today, I honestly don't know if I can go on to do IUI. I really don't. I feel so damn empty and incomplete all the time. And is it slowing killing me... I don't know what to tell you because I am in the same boat as you, but I am here for you. We are going through this together, remember that.

-Roxanne

Clare said...

I could have written every word of what you wrote. I have the same conversations with big G-O-D myself. It is so hard to comprehend why you ache and hurt so much when all you want is a child to love, when you want to be a mother more than anything in the world. Why would that be kept from you? Surely it's a good thing, so why the wait, why the pain... I just think to myself there is a reason this has happened to me and maybe one day i'll know what it is, but for now i just have to keep on putting one foot in front of the other.... sending hugs.. and thanks for your kind words about my blog.