A Decade of Changes

I am just finishing up living my THIRD full decade (that's right...I am turning THIRTY.....ugh.....I'm not ALLOWED to turn thirty! That's only for grown-ups)....and as I look back over the past ten years ...I realize the early 2000's (what do we call them?!?!? the 00's?!?!?) was about change....
It's weird to sit back and try to remember all the stuff that you have done over the last ten years...I started to think about it after I read Complicated Mama's blog about her past ten years...I got to thinking! What the hell did I do over the last ten years.....So here is my attempt at remembering my life.....

2000- I was on the path to my first degree....got accepted into the teaching program at Arizona State University and started my internships at schools. Hubby and I were dating for 2 years at this point (long distance).....I was working at Hollywood Video and I believe Charlotte's Room (yep...two jobs and school! Thank you credit card debt....seriously...18 year olds should not be allowed to get credit cards because they have no idea the consequences...like turning 20 and having to work two jobs and go to school!!)

2001- I turned of legal drinking age!! Hubby and I were dating for three years (still long distance)....2001 was the year of failed dreams and major life changes..Sept 11th and my diagnosis of PCOS. This also started my panic to have children upon hearing "The younger you are the easier it will be". From this year forward, every birthday has been a dark cloud looming over my head....

2002- I GRADUATED COLLEGE!!!! Early Childhood Degree and got my teaching certificate. I also completed my student teaching and realized how much I loved teaching Kindergarten......Hubby and I were dating for four years at this point (yup..you guessed it....long distance).....

2003- was a year of heartbreak..... I lost my beloved Uncle Craig unexpectedly in March and Hubby broke up with me TWICE this year (yep ..I said twice).....The tears that I cried that year seemed unending....The funeral still feels surreal and I still today get moments that I can't believe he is gone. As for hubby's and my relationship....this was probably our lowest point....it was rough for about a year after....but once that hurdle was over and we both grew up....our relationship started to mold into what it is today.....On a positive note...I got my first teaching job this year...in Kindergarten of course

2004- Hubby and I were dating for SIX YEARS (everyone say it with me ....long distance). My kindergarten position was eliminated so I moved to second grade in a new district, where I met one of my best friends! I don't really remember too much from this year.....probably a good thing =)

2005- This was a HUGE year....I found out my sister was pregnant....she had my nephew....and I got engaged!!!! AFTER SEVEN years of dating (L-O-N-G....D-I-S-T-A-N-C-E) hubby relocated to San Diego (which was a six hour drive instead of a five hour flight) and we decided to get MARRIED! In grand tradition of me...I started to plan the wedding BEFORE the ring....What?!? Don't judge me! We agreed it was time to get married on July 4th while out to dinner in San Diego....He was working on the ring...I was working on the plans.....So what if I had my hall booked and my dresses ordered before the ring....WE HAD BEEN DATING FOR SEVEN YEARS and when you know you want to marry someone after the first two weeks of dating...that's a long long long time =)

2006- MY WEDDING YEAR! Hubby and I got married on July 15, 2006 in HOT Scottsdale, Arizona, where I swear I saw some of our out of state guests MELTING! The temperature was 115 the day of the wedding....HOTTEST of the year!!! But it didn't stop the happiest day of my life...We had the WORST & BEST honeymoon (that's another blog post) and I moved to San Diego so we can FINALLY be together (NOT LONG DISTANCE). We also started trying to conceive this year.....As you can guess...it didn't work....

2007- I had a rough year this year...It was very hard being away from my family....I couldn't get a teaching job in San Diego because they didn't need teachers....I ended up working in a kids clothing store and then a Montessori school....Trying to conceive was rough because we found out we had NO insurance coverage towards it. We attempted to see a doctor and pay cash but he was pushy with treatments and we couldn't afford it! It was a bad year!!

2008-Hubby and I both lost grandparents this year...his grandfather died in May and my grandmother died in September.....We moved back to the east coast (Jersey in the house). I started to pursue my master's degree in reading education. My sister got engaged on New Years Eve!

2009-Hubby and I began to see an RE (Dr. Godfather) again to try to have a baby (this time with coverage!)...STILL no teaching job!!! My sister got married 12-18-09 and my baby brother started COLLEGE!!! I worked hard on my education....and as of today as I write this...I have 9 WEEKS LEFT! I reconnected with old friends and am grateful for them every day! I started to blog full force and it has changed so many things for me!

So what's in store for 2010? MY MASTER'S DEGREE! I TURN THIRTY and hopefully a baby! Besides the turning thirty stuff...I couldn't think of a better year!!!!


My Sister's Wedding

My sister's wedding ...in pictures.....with portions of my speech (that I didn't give ..LOL)!!!

The rehearsal dinner!

I was very protective of Melissa even at an early age. I hear that I used to finish her sentences all the time and once when she was hungry, I made her a meal of Smurf cereal and gravy. Appetizing huh?
We loved dolls, we loved to play and we loved each other.
And all too quickly the childhood years of playing with our Barbie’s turned into the teenage years of fighting over makeup and privacy. Luckily we walked out of our teen years, with all of our teeth and just a few bruises and have developed the wonderful relationship we have now. My sister means the world to me and is truly my best friend.

Getting Ready =)

Putting on her shoes =)

Hubby and I

On our way to the church

I remember when Melissa came home and first told me about Tom….she asked my advice on talking to him. Of course being her older smarter sister, I gave her advice... it obviously worked …oh and by the way guys I’ll take my thank you in large bills only….

My nephew...had his head down the whole time....really concentrating on those rings on his pillow!

Here comes the bride!

Mr. and Mrs.

The newlyweds!

Melissa, I am truly delighted to watch you marry the man of your dreams today. I want nothing less for you than a lifetime of happiness and health with your new husband. After all, you do make gorgeous babies! I love how our family is growing. Tom, you make a perfect fit for our family.

I wish you both a lifetime of love and happiness!!!

I just want to finish tonight with a few pieces of advice:
Always remember to say those three important little words..."You're right dear."
If you're clever, you'll always have the last word. However, if you are very clever, you won't use it.
Whenever you are wrong, admit it. Whenever you are right, be quiet.
And, Tom, always remember...a happy wife… happy life!
I love you both!

(That last part was totally stolen from a speech website...but the advice is perfect.....oh like you could have come up with something better?!?? Stop judging me!)

12 years and still going strong <3

My Grandparents


Can You Keep A Secret?

So can you guys keep a secret? I have done everything "wrong" this month in regards to TTC! What cd am I on? Hell if I know.....I haven't stayed away from caffeine...I haven't stayed away from lunch meats.....I've been eating tons of sweets....and are you ready for this....no pineapple (unless you count the pina colada I thought about having). I have not taken my temperature and guess what?!?! I AM SLEEPING BETTER! My body needed a break...My mind needed a break....I needed a break.....

And here is the GREAT part for this month...I have NO EXPECTATIONS. Nurse Christmas (the new name I have assigned my new nurse...based on her real name) kept me on Clomid this month to stay in control of my cycles....I did OPK....got two positives on two different days and they weren't consecutive....weird huh?!??! but anyway ...there is a slight chance it could have worked....but I have no expectations....none.....and I am loving every minute of it! I am enjoying my time with my nephew and my family and everything there is to enjoy about Christmas (including the yummy desserts I am baking). I plan on having shrimp on Christmas.....I'm sure I will eat some antipasto......and I won't feel guilty!

......but OF COURSE...I won't drink.....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................just in case....


Wordless Wednesday

It's Almost Time!


New Holiday Song! Do They Know it's Baby Time?

Ok Here is the latest of my holiday songs! These songs are written as jokes to help with a difficult time of year. Enjoy!

Do They Know it's Baby Time? (Sung to the tune of Do They Know it's Christmas Time?)

It's POAS Time
There's no need to be afraid
At POAS time
We examine in the light the stick of it's different shades

And in our world of empty
OPK's can spread a smile of joy
Throw your arms around your love
It's BD time!

But say a prayer
Pray for the swimming ones
conception time... it's hard
The two week wait is no fun
There's a world outside your worries
And it's a world of pink and blue
Where the only babies growing
are in everyone else but you
And the doctor's bills are stinking
And all the fertiles thinking:
"Well tonight thank God it's them instead of me"

And there won't be a baby in my uterus
This Christmas time
The greatest gift I won't get this year is life
Where nothing ever grows
oh listen to my woes
Do they know it's baby time at all?
Let them know it's baby time
Let them know it's baby time again



The Name Steal

I really don't think there is anything worse for someone struggling to get pregnant than to have their beloved child names stolen by some fertile who can't make up their own mind! I have wanted to have kids since I was probably like 5. I have had my names picked out for my kids for a VERY long time .....MANY MANY MANY years. It's not my fault I can't have a baby....If I was fertile, this wouldn't be an issue. Let's just say infertiles have lots and lots of time to decide on names and it is VERY important to them.

My boys names have been set in stone for about 15 years! I will not change them...no matter what...but it's OK to have boys with the same names in a family....girls...not so much. I have had my heart set on this one girl name....I fell in LOVE with it about 8 years ago and have wanted it ever since! Since then, person after person has named their child my beloved name! It has become one of the most popular names in the country and my hubby no longer wants to use it. And he is right! Growing up a Jennifer, I was NEVER the only Jennifer in my class so I always had to be called Jennifer G! Not fun....and I just don't want to do that to my child....We have moved onto other options....but my heart still hurts for that name!

One of my biggest fears when someone becomes pregnant is the name steal. You know, you had a conversation prior to them getting pregnant, when you thought the coast was clear, and they they reveal they are pregnant....the sweats start...the panic...will they? won't they? It's an awful feeling! I can't tell the sigh of relief given when another name is chosen or the daggers I feel if that line is crossed. My sister had it happen to her....and she is fertile...by one of her best friends....TACKY TACKY TACKY!

So to follow the advice from hubby...I will be lying each and every time someone asks me what names we are thinking about.....I will pick the most hideous names I can think of.....and I can't wait til the day when one of those fertiles steals it =)


New Holiday Song- It's the Most Dreadful Time of the Year.

New Song (and I just want to go on record by saying that I LOVE CHRISTMAS....infertile and all)! ENJOY!

It's the Most Dreadful Time of the Year- (sung to the tune of It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year)

It's the most dreadful time of the year
without kids, heart is swelling
and everyone's telling you
"It will happen next year"
It's the most dreadful time of the year

It's the crap-crappiest season of all
empty womb is aching
as you are making
Christmas cards with your dogs!
It's the crap-crappiest season of all

Everyone will be thinking
I really should start drinking...
Baby-less-in all the snow
There'll be scary pregnancy stories
And tales of the "glories" from infertiles long, long ago

It's the most dreadful time of the year
There'll be much angry tears
at your ever growing fears
of turning 30 next year!
It's the most dreadful time of the year

Have A Broken Heart...Get A Nephew!

I always thought I would have kids first. I'm three years older than my sister so I just automatically assumed I would get married first, and have kids first....but things turned out differently. The day my sister walked into my room and told me she needed to talk to me, I knew what was coming .....I said "OMG You're Pregnant" and she started to cry. I was so excited but my heart had broke into a million pieces. I wasn't even married yet (even though we had been dating for 6 and a half years at that point) but I knew the struggles we would face. I put on a brave face, even though I think I cried myself to sleep for days! The pain eventually subsided and all I was left with was something truly wonderful!

The day my sister went to find out what she was having, I was lucky enough to be there. I put one pink sock on and one blue sock on and when the ultrasound tech did her thing....there he was! He was all sorts of perfect ....so tiny in her belly! My sister and I share the same shopping genes so we immediately went to register. That day was one of the happiest of my life!

I remember sitting with my sister in our parents living room one day and we were talking about names and I said "What about Tyler?" Tyler at that time had been a little boy in my second grade class who was just the most lovable child, but whose situation at home had been difficult. I always used to say if I could ever take a child home...It would be him.....He had made a place in my heart as I knew my little nephew would....My sister chose that name!

I used to talk to my sisters belly....He was due in September and I knew I was going away the first weekend. I wanted to be in that delivery room with her so I spoke to my sisters belly and told Ty that he had to stay in there until I got home on Monday.....Her water broke 6 hours after I landed.....It was the beginning of our special bond!

From the moment he came out....It was pure love! THE MOST love I have ever felt for ANYONE in my whole life (except my husband ..but that's different). I was an aunt! I was his Aunt Jenn ....I couldn't have thanked my sister more for bringing him into my life! As the months flew by and he began to grow, I was planning my wedding.....I knew I would be moving before his first birthday and it broke my heart.

Being away from him for so long at a time has been difficult. He changes so much each time I see him! I may be biased...but he really is the most adorable child that ever walked the earth (well until my kids are born). He completely LOVES my husband! Everything is all about Uncle Frank.....Ty's new obsession is Star Wars, which my hubby had bonded with him over....Now every time he talks to him...its all about Jedi and light sabers. Of course, he NEVER wants to talk to me on the phone...only Uncle Frank!

My sister is getting married in less than two weeks and I am so excited for her! And the best part is that my nephew will get to spend 5 days with us while my sister and new brother in law go on their honeymoon! I have been looking forward to it sooo much especially with the holidays here!!!

After receiving my bad news on Thursday, I cried for what seemed like forever.....I stopped at some point yesterday afternoon...and decided to call my mom....Imagine my surprise when I heard this little voice pick up the phone and say "Hi!" He was checking out the situation for Christmas! He asked me if we had a chimney. I told him we had a chimney and a fire place and that we also had Christmas tree set up. Then he said " No fire when Santa comes, we don't want to burn him". I said of course not! I told him we were going to make cookies for Santa, and watch Christmas shows, and look at Christmas lights! And then he said the most wonderful thing to me "I can't wait to come to your house Aunt Jenn!". All those pieces of my heart that were broken finally felt like they started beating again! I swear I felt some of my heart stitch up at that very moment!

Hubby and I decided to skip our IUI this month. It would have been at the time of my sisters wedding and when my nephew would have been here! We don't want anything taking away from this special time that we have to spend with him! I'd rather focus on seeing Christmas through my nephews eyes this year than spending it in the doctors office with all the other poor schmoes who have the same issues as I do!

So that's it folks....If you have a broken heart.....get a nephew! And no, you can't have my nephew! Get your own!


Are You There GOD, It's Me, Jenn

Dear God,

I want to start by saying that I might go to hell for this letter but I need to say what I am feeling. I don't get it God! Hubby and I have been trying to conceive for over THREE YEARS and nothing....NOTHING! We are both good people....we met in Catholic school for heavens sake ( Am I allowed to say that?). We stay out of trouble....we are both educated and we love each other very much ....but I guess that isn't enough....

PLEASE tell me what it takes.....I don't know how much longer I can deal with this emptiness and pain.....People are so fast to throw comfort words at me that involve you....telling me how you have a plan and that you wouldn't give me anything that I couldn't handle. I'm here to tell you its too much.....I have never in my life felt emptier than I do right now...

My father in law said to me a few weeks ago that we pray when we need you but that you answer in your own time...and I am trying so hard to comprehend that and to let it comfort me ...but it doesn't. I feel forgotten about and lonely....I have prayed on so many nights ...I've pleaded with you so many times and now I sit here questioning my faith.

Why is this so hard? Why are you making this so hard on us? Just tell me what I need to do for this to work! Tell me how to make this ache in my heart stop! I need to believe your real...I need to feel your presence...I need something.....Did I already cash my chips in when I pleaded with you to save my aunt? You did it! She was hours, moments even, away from dying and you saved her....now....I'm asking you to please save me!

If you need to talk to me, I'll be the one crying myself to sleep...with whatever faith I have left.


Myth Busted!

OK so you know how when you ask a pregnant woman how they knew they were pregnant and most (I'm not saying all) will tell you "I Just Knew!" ...well I'm here to tell you today that myth is BUSTED! I "just knew" too this cycle....and there's no baby!

I was really skeptical last month (during our first IUI)...I wouldn't allow myself to think anything positive......but this month was soo different...Different symptoms....different circumstances...different feelings.......everyone asking me how I'm feeling and everything I said "sounds like symptoms".....My rocket science follicle has failed me....biology has failed me....

I have failed me....

I shouldn't have let myself think it for one minute....It's so hard not to but you can't be let down too hard when you don't expect much....Every twinge I was feeling I pictured what the baby could be doing ....now I picture my empty uterus , preparing for ANOTHER cycle, getting ready to shred the remnants of this failed cycle along with the remnants of my failed dreams.....As I was sobbing this morning, my husband said "I really thought we had it this time"...I wanted to scream out that I did too but all I could force out was another louder sob.....I love him to death....I couldn't do this without him!

As crazy as the temping has driven me, it truly prepared me for the phone call this morning. I knew what was coming so I was able to hold my composure better than I did last month (which was just until the phone was hung up). I was able to ask more questions and get more info. By the way ...huge brownie points for the new nurse today.. She called me as soon as the results came in...at 9:17 this morning....she didn't make me wait all day like Nurse BFF did - maybe I didn't like her as much as I thought!

So that's it folks...IUI # 2 FAILED! Woman "just know" when they are pregnant...BULLSHIT!


Wordless Wednesday

It's not looking good........


The TPI Agency!

After being unemployed for OVER year (Thank you crappy economy and thank you overpopulation of teachers in NJ), I finally have a job! It's a temporary job...will probably only last a couple more days (if even that)...I am a TOILET PAPER INSPECTOR..better known on the force as a TPI! (Wait..what?!?! That's NOT a real job!?!? I'm still considered unemployed?!?!? SIGH!)

You have officially become a toilet paper inspector (TPI Agent) when you are at the end of your two week wait and every time you go to the bathroom, you find yourself examining the toilet paper for any signs that she is on her way and that all you did that month means crap! There are different degrees of TPI Agents....You could be a quick TPI agent ...where you look quickly....or you could be one of those TPI agents where you examine the toilet paper under every light in the house (those TPI agents probably even have a flashlight next to the toilet...if they tell you its just in case of a blackout...they are lying)....Me, I'm in between those agents....I inspect a little longer than normal and hold it up to the light ..but that's it. My TPI'ing stays behind closed doors!

This one time..I thought I really caught the culprit. I was totally sure I spotted her...but it ended up being my skin through the paper....That looked bad for this TPI agent....I won't make that mistake again!

Just in case you are wondering....The agency is still hiring....You get to pick your own hours (due to the amount of liquid you drink).....No health benefits I'm afraid....and the pay is pretty crappy...as a matter of fact..I have to PAY to work there (services paid to my RE)! This job is not for the weak-minded...as the constant stress and pressure on the job can drive anyone insane! So that's it folks...That's my new "job"....and I proudly wear my TPI badge (under my clothes of course because I don't want people to think I'm weird or anything)!