11.02.2009

My little egg...that didn't!

After my whole anxiousness and anxiety, nausea and tiredness....Nurse BFF called and it didn't work .....

I knew it....I knew it deep down but that's the crap with this process, the what ifs convince you otherwise. The "what ifs" made me go out and buy What to expect when you are expecting EVEN THOUGH I felt like I didn't even belong in that section of the bookstore.

I now want that book OUT OF MY HOUSE!

My socks didn't work...my pleading with god didn't work...our six A.M. doctors visits didn't work...What did happen was that my heart burst into a billion little pieces the second she said "I have bad news for you"....I have never in my life wanted to be somewhere (ANYWHERE) else at that point ....I have NO idea what she said after those words....I was too busy concentrating on walking up my 16 clean steps (thanks to my mother in law who has been nervously cleaning all day) to fall apart in my bedroom.

Everyone has been so excited for us and on edge about the results all day...I knew I had to say something, so it came in the form of a mass text message with the simple words "It didn't work".....I've been getting crazy responses back left and right...I don't have the energy to look at my phone......

I know deep down the WORST hasn't come yet because my husband isn't home from work and I didn't have to see that look on his face yet.....I just want to scream that I am so sorry ....he shouldn't have to go through this .....God "blessed" me with these issues...not him.....

I can't deal with the whats next questions because right now I don't even know how I am going to survive the next five minutes.....The thought of doing that ALL OVER AGAIN takes those billions pieces of my heart and stomps on them!

This is NOT RIGHT! I KNEW IT WAS NEGATIVE but someone forgot to tell my heart........

11 comments:

Chasing a Miracle said...

Right now i am sobbing like a baby... I dont know you, i dont know what you look like, i dont know your life story, but i know that you are a beautiful spirit... and my heart, my heart is hurting so much for you right now... and i wish i wish i could fix you i wish i could give you a hug and tell you that i know, i know the pain you are feeling and i know how much you are hurting and how much you just want to shout out and curse, how much you just want to throw you hands up and scream scream till the pain goes away, scream till there is no voice left to scream anymore...

I have been where you are and i know how much it hurts... But i also know that you can make through, and i know that you will make it through, and i know that this isn't the end for you or your DH... Stay strong for me, cry, scream, sob.. do what needs to be done, but remember that you can do this and you will do this and that this is not the end, it is merely part of the journey, and by George you WILL be a better person for living through this, and by George you WILL learn something from this...
Grasp onto your dreams and ambitions tightly, hold onto them, and never ever ever give up, or let yourself be tormented.. this is not your fault, and we have to believe that this has happened for a reason, and that it is all part of the plan...

My prayers are with you...

x x x MWAH!

Dea.nna said...

My heart is aching for you. I know too well that this whole process sucks. I made the same mistake and now hide my What To Expect book under the bed. Hang in there. I'm praying for you and sending BIG {{{HUGS}}}!!!

The Bare Essentials Today said...

Awe honey, I am so sorry to hear that. I wish I had some magical advice to give you that would make it all better but I don't. Just don't give up.

Prayers are coming your way. Hang in there!

Pregnant Yuppy said...

I'm so sorry that this didn't work this time. I have fait that you will persevere and that you will get the good news that you deserve.

It's not fair that our bodies won't do what they are supposed to be made to do.

Ashley said...

I am sooo sorry. I don't know you personally but I know what it feels like to really want to have a baby and then have your hopes dashed at the end of the cycle. Praying for you!

Keep It Classy, Jen said...

I am so sorry. I wish that I could tell you that I understand but I don't. I CAN tell you though that I am hear to listen. You are sharing your heart and soul with us...we hear you. I know you don't feel like you fit in the mommy world but you do.

Jen
jenhinton.com

junebug said...

(((Hugs)))

Beautiful Mess said...

Words can't express how I'm feeling for you right now, sweetie. Take the time you need/want. Be GOOD to yourself. Hold hubby close. Do everything that you would tell someone else to do. It IS ok to take some time for you.

Sending you lots of warm thoughts and love.
*HUGS*

Johanna said...

So, so sorry my dear. Don't give up hope. Thinking of you.

Amaprincess said...

Thank you all so much! Your words mean the world to me!

Mommy In Waiting said...

I'm so sorry. I wish there was something to say to make it all feel better. Just know we are all here for you.