10.22.2009

Infertility Learned Helplessness

I am currently working on my masters in reading education. This week's focus was on motivating students and the term learned helplessness came up. We talked about it all week.....what it is....how we help students overcome it. As I worked on my paper yesterday, I read this definition " the expectation, based on experience, that one's actions will ultimately lead to failure" and as I sat and thought about the definition, I started to realize that I suffer from this.....

I have learned to be helpless when it comes to my fertility issues. The experiences of constant failure has lead me to believe and to doubt the fact that it might ever happen naturally for us. We finally had the opportunity to do the IUI and Nurse BFF confirmed today that I did ovulate (which is a celebration in itself) so our chances are as great as any and I still sit here in fear. Today is day 4 of my two week wait and the insanity of it all is already setting in! A simple thought that I could possibly be pregnant comes in and I won't allow myself to think it. I stop it quickly reminding myself that I am saving the me that is going to be falling apart in 11 days from a whole new level of heartache. If I truly believe I am not pregnant, then it shouldn't hurt right? I wish it was this easy. Maybe deep deep down I still really want to believe....but that's between you and I.

After three years of trying, how can one not be overcome with the feeling of failure? Month after month, failed pregnancy test after failed pregnancy test really leaves some marks on your soul. It truly changes a person and there aren't enough words to explain it.

I promised myself (and my hubby) that I will NOT test early. In eleven days...I will let the blood work talk (secretly hoping that a break from my normal obsessive testing ritual will break a bad streak of negative tests...I mean I did things differently so it has to work right?)

.......Am I strong enough is the question?

3 comments:

The Durbin Blog said...

Yayy for you not to test early. I think I have gone through 20 in the last week, 2 of which were positive and then AF came today. I think the Bloodwork is the best way to go. I really hope this is your month!!!
Heather

Beautiful Mess said...

You are one of the strongest women I know! But being strong doesn't mean you "can't" test early. If you do, it just means YOU WANT TO KNOW THE ANSWER! I have faith in you, sweetie. Plus I baked a kick ass cake for you! ;o)
*HUGS*

liberalgranolagirl said...

Testing early is the devil. I am considering asking my RE for a beta next time so that I don't even think about POAS, especially after what happened last time. And yes, you are strong. If infertility has taught me anything it's taught me that I am way stronger than I have ever thought. You can do this. All of us IF girls can do this.

BTW, I nominated you for the Kreativ Blogger Award. Check out my blog for the rules :)