9.15.2009

Jealousy

********Warning..I am pissed off....if you don't want to "listen to it"....don't read it***********

OK so I am really starting to think that Facebook is the friggen devil....TWO announcements from friends that they are both having girls in ONE DAY ....NOT FAIR.....Of course its my stupidity to check my phone at 3:30 in the morning! I read the first one, was slightly jealous...but the second one, sent me over the edge. The feeling knocks the wind right out of me and I am seriously nauseated over this.....They say noble people never ask "why me?", well screw that....I'm shouting "WHY ME?!?" now with tons and tons of anger!!!

I will never understand why it comes easily for some people as I sit amidst the mountain of paperwork and post it notes from EACH conversation from my doctor's office! Was I a bad person in a former life, where karma has to come kick my ass on a daily basis? When we first tried the fertility meds three years ago and they didn't work, I fell into a deep depression...every day I felt like I was trying to keep my head above the water so I wouldn't drown...I feel that happening again......

It has been so wonderful to have the ttc tweeples on twitter...these girls actually understand...but I find myself longing for someone in person who gets it....

I just can't take it all anymore....If ONE more person implies that I don't "get" something because I'm not a mom, I seriously might wig out and commit murder....Motherhood isn't a special club for the fertile...it should be EVERY woman's god given right to choose to be a part of the club or not...NOT have some doctors tell them that their membership to the club is going to cost thousands of dollars....countless heartache...and many many days/months/years! I can't explain to you the pain I feel each and every time I get "banished" to the land of infertiles....I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway! I don't want to be on this island....I'm just stuck there....Maybe I need a fake baby to call Wilson....hmmmm.....

So I'll be the first to admit it...I'm JEALOUS as all hell.....Here is a list of things I HATE to hear......

1. " Other people are allowed to have children"....normally said as I am deeply upset by someone who truly doesn't get it....THEY ARE ALLOWED TO HAVE CHILDREN....I SHOULD BE "ALLOWED" TOO!

2. " It will happen for you one day"....ONE DAY?!?!? One day we will be riding around in space ships....one day I will be able to cook a four course meal with the hit of one button....One day.....one day......one day I will be too old to have children....

3. " It will happen if you stop trying"....OK seriously? It WON'T happen if we stop trying....we stopped "trying" after the first round of fertility meds didn't work three years ago...STILL NOT PREGNANT.....then we stopped trying after we had that mess of an idiot that called himself a RE in San Diego...STILL NOT PREGNANT...so guess what...it doesn't work!!

4. ANY comment implying that God is not giving us a baby because we are not ready....SERIOUSLY???.....So the lady with 6 kids that she now can't feed....she was ready? The crack whore who got pregnant from one of her tricks....she was ready? See my point?!?!?


Its 4:18 in the morning......Ive done all the complaining I can possibly handle at this hour of the morning......I feel that drowning feeling coming again.......please God ...tell me this will get better.....

3 comments:

Jennylu said...

I want to be able to type something meaningful here that will help with the way you feel- I want to make the sinking feeling go away with acouple of words and I know I cant. What I can do is be a friend for you to vent to, someone to distract you quite possibly from the moments it gets to be too much.
I love you Jen and yes you will join that club and when you do you will be the best member I will ever know!
I love you!

Pregnant Yuppy said...

I understand your feelings. Don't feel bad for feeling them. *hugs*

Khaira said...

well said, I couldn't agree more. I deleted Facebook from my phone, I couldn't handle it anymore.