Enjoy Your Ride!

Have I ever told you how scared of heights I am?!?!? I HATE rollercoasters!!! To me, a rollercoaster just seems like a method of torture. I don't like to not be in control of my feet leaving the ground (and this includes flying)...Maybe I am a control freak......So its kinda ironic how Hubby(who maybe I should be calling "He's A Prince") and I just stepped back in to the crazy infertility treatment rollercoaster.

This is our third time getting on this ride....The first time was right after we go married. My Gyno put me on Femara to try for two months and she said if it didn't work, we would need to see a reproductive endocrinologist. I was soo sure it worked the first month....so friggen sure!!! All the excitement and the maybes.....all to be torn down with a stick that I had to pee on....And of course the second one didn't work ......And then we found out we had NO fertility coverage!!! Depression ensued.....I was in a haze for many months!!!

The second time we attempted it- we decided to go for a consultation (and paid $250 dollars cash) with one of the top PCOS doctors in San Diego! Well we were soon passed off to Dr. Jackass ....who was pushing IUI RIGHT AWAY without even TESTING US!!! We explained the whole insurance thing...and he "agreed" to let us try Clomid at home for a couple of months. Started me on these pills to get my period (I'm pretty sure it wasn't Provera...although I guess it might have been)....I'll spare everyone the details of what happened next.....I'll just sum that month up by saying I had a 56 day cycle that month ....and when I called DR. JACKASS (which happened to be Christmas Eve) he told me he was NO LONGER willing to let us try at home AFTER ONE MONTH...Thanks for ruining my Christmas jackass!! More depression......

And here we are starting number three.....Things are different now....we have some coverage and I love Dr. Godfather and my Nurse BFF! So I am hoping that the third times a charm....We are planning a three month cycle of IUI's (and hopefully, we won't need any after the first)....If the three months don't work ...we will need to meet with Dr. Godfather again.....I started Clomid last night ...so far no side effects (I definitely just jinxed myself). I start OPK testing on Tuesday ....so our IUI could be some time next week. If I don't get a change in OPK by Next Saturday, I go in anyway. We need to do an ultrasound to check the follicles and if everything is good...we will go ahead with the IUI!!!

I am excited and SCARED out of my mind....I keep telling myself that Dr. Godfather said He is confident that once they can get me ovulating that we shouldn't have any problems....but the realist in me knows it most likely won't be that easy...because this is us and things don't come easily for us!! So buckle up...keep your hands and feet inside at all times and ENJOY YOUR RIDE!!!!


Captain DB and Colonel AW

Hubby and I spent a great early afternoon together. We went apple picking, got some cider, picked up a yummy strawberry rhubarb pie....It was wonderful! We decided on the way home to stop for a quick lunch so we decide to go to Charlie Browns. For those who don't know Charlie Browns is a steakhouse...that has a REALLY yummy salad bar.

So we sit down and were given an extra menu with specials and one special happened to be a salad bar lunch special. We both decide we are going to get that. Captain DB (Captain DOUCHEBAG) comes over to take our drink order.......drinks come......now he's taking the food order and I tell him we will both be doing the salad bar special. Here is how the conversation went:

Me: "We are going to do the salad bar special"

Captain DB: " Just so you know, it's after three and the special is only until three o clock...but I will do it for you this time...but just for future references, they can be real anal about it and probably won't let you do it"

Hubby looks at his watch

Hubby: "It's 3:05 man"

Captain DB: " Actually it's 3:08 but like I said we will do it...My manager shouldn't have a problem with it"

Me: " We were seated BEFORE 3 o clock"

Captain DB: " You weren't ...I got here at 3 so you were seated after...It's not a problem"

Hubby: " You can tell your manager to come to see me if he has a problem"

Captain DB: "It shouldn't be a problem"

I am FUMING at this point.....seriously....just get us the frigging food and shut the hell up........I understand if it is after 3 and you cant do it...JUST SAY SO...don't make it like you are giving us your left arm....I know he was doing the "right" thing....I was disgusted with his need to correct us OVER EVERY MINOR DETAIL......I decided we were leaving.....seriously...screw this guy....first correcting my husband about what time it was....THEN telling me we couldn't have sat down before 3....OK maybe it was 3:01!!!

I am so mad I call a waitress over and tell her to get our waiter because we are leaving (which I make sure to say very loudly)...Captain DB comes out

Captain DB "Is everything OK?"

Me " No, I am very turned off by the whole conversation we just had. I am over it and we are just going to leave....please wrap up the check?"

Now....I say wrap up the check loosely....there are obviously TWO FULL sodas on the table that have yet to be touched.....MAYBE we each took one sip......I'm figuring he will just tell us to have a nice day (but of course I am not assuming it because we did order the drinks)....In the past, when we have left a restaurant (especially for service reasons) I have NEVER been charged for a fountain soda....Anything from the bar...I understand completely....If we drank the drinks...I would understand but Captain DB hands us a check for TWO SODAS.....EQUALING $5.65!!!!!!

I said to hubby "drink that soda...it's lunch"....It takes captain DB like 4 minutes to come back to run our card (because OF COURSE we didn't have enough cash)......I am NEVER a person that doesn't leave a tip...but there is a first time for EVERYTHING!!!

FYI- The time stamp on the receipt is 3:07 pm (which means we were checked out at 3:07)

So I come home and calm down a little....and I just called to talk to the manager (who is now called Colonel AssWipe)....I explain the situation. Here's the answer I got:

" Well rules are rules...He's a good kid that was obviously trying to go out of his way to accommodate you...the intention was right but the delivery is wrong and I apologize" blah blah blah

Colonel Asswipe continued to insult me by offering coupons to make everything OK. I told him he can keep his coupons because we will NOT be returning to that restaurant.........and I didn't get my salad bar =(



********Warning..I am pissed off....if you don't want to "listen to it"....don't read it***********

OK so I am really starting to think that Facebook is the friggen devil....TWO announcements from friends that they are both having girls in ONE DAY ....NOT FAIR.....Of course its my stupidity to check my phone at 3:30 in the morning! I read the first one, was slightly jealous...but the second one, sent me over the edge. The feeling knocks the wind right out of me and I am seriously nauseated over this.....They say noble people never ask "why me?", well screw that....I'm shouting "WHY ME?!?" now with tons and tons of anger!!!

I will never understand why it comes easily for some people as I sit amidst the mountain of paperwork and post it notes from EACH conversation from my doctor's office! Was I a bad person in a former life, where karma has to come kick my ass on a daily basis? When we first tried the fertility meds three years ago and they didn't work, I fell into a deep depression...every day I felt like I was trying to keep my head above the water so I wouldn't drown...I feel that happening again......

It has been so wonderful to have the ttc tweeples on twitter...these girls actually understand...but I find myself longing for someone in person who gets it....

I just can't take it all anymore....If ONE more person implies that I don't "get" something because I'm not a mom, I seriously might wig out and commit murder....Motherhood isn't a special club for the fertile...it should be EVERY woman's god given right to choose to be a part of the club or not...NOT have some doctors tell them that their membership to the club is going to cost thousands of dollars....countless heartache...and many many days/months/years! I can't explain to you the pain I feel each and every time I get "banished" to the land of infertiles....I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway! I don't want to be on this island....I'm just stuck there....Maybe I need a fake baby to call Wilson....hmmmm.....

So I'll be the first to admit it...I'm JEALOUS as all hell.....Here is a list of things I HATE to hear......

1. " Other people are allowed to have children"....normally said as I am deeply upset by someone who truly doesn't get it....THEY ARE ALLOWED TO HAVE CHILDREN....I SHOULD BE "ALLOWED" TOO!

2. " It will happen for you one day"....ONE DAY?!?!? One day we will be riding around in space ships....one day I will be able to cook a four course meal with the hit of one button....One day.....one day......one day I will be too old to have children....

3. " It will happen if you stop trying"....OK seriously? It WON'T happen if we stop trying....we stopped "trying" after the first round of fertility meds didn't work three years ago...STILL NOT PREGNANT.....then we stopped trying after we had that mess of an idiot that called himself a RE in San Diego...STILL NOT PREGNANT...so guess what...it doesn't work!!

4. ANY comment implying that God is not giving us a baby because we are not ready....SERIOUSLY???.....So the lady with 6 kids that she now can't feed....she was ready? The crack whore who got pregnant from one of her tricks....she was ready? See my point?!?!?

Its 4:18 in the morning......Ive done all the complaining I can possibly handle at this hour of the morning......I feel that drowning feeling coming again.......please God ...tell me this will get better.....


8 years later.....

I was 21 years old .....It's been 8 years and I still get that sick feeling in my stomach as I watched the unimaginable on the TV......8 years and I still can't comprehend why someone would want to do that.....I woke up to my father screaming....as I stumbled out of bed, figuring my parents were fighting...and as I started to walk down the stairs and wipe the sleep from my eyes....I saw my mom....solemn face...."New York is under attack"

...WHAT?? .....NEW YORK? I grew up in NEW YORK....my family was still in NEW YORK....briefly an image of tankers rolling into the city, just like out of a movie, flashed through my mind as I tried to process what she was saying........then my mind flashed to that day in Feb, back in 93, as I laid on the couch home from school and watched how they tried to take the towers down that time....They tried but didn't succeed.....I stared at the TV that day in 93 in horror of what was happening across the river....

.....we had no idea what was to come.....

I ran to the TV...it was still dark out (I lived in AZ)....as the image of the planes hitting the towers was played OVER and OVER again on the screen...Then I stood there in complete and utter disbelief as I watched the one of the towers begin to crumble....My jaw was to the floor and I couldn't squeak words out.....The monstrosity of those towers in the architecture of the NY skyline was breathtaking enough but the sight of them crumbling was too much to bear......I remember thinking what the hell is happening here.....and then we heard...two more planes.....

The panic set in after that about where my cousin was....She worked close to there in the city ...Frantic phone calls were placed...but yet we couldn't get through ...it wasn't until a couple hours later that we heard she was OK.....she witnessed the whole thing ....she was alive...but would she ever really be OK?....Would we all ever really be OK???....She walked over the bridge covered in soot to get home to her babies.....

....We always joke about how small Staten Island is ...."Everyone knows everyone"....and its so true....because if you weren't directly affected by 9/11...you know at least one person that was.....

I remember there being a period of uncertainty when we didn't know if the worst was over yet, as I thought of what could be going on in the skies above us.....And as those towers fell, and our hearts were smashed into a billion pieces, our patriotism rose and for one moment of time...we ALL stood together ....We were all on the same page....We were all New Yorkers that day ...We were all Americans.....

So on this day 8 years later...I remember all those feelings...I remember the ones who lost their mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, wives, husbands, children, etc. I pray that they find peace in their memories and know that today....the whole country is grieving with them....

.......9/11/01 I WILL NEVER FORGET!


Mind Your Own Beeswax....

So I went shopping with a friend of mine (Umkin) today for a numerous amount of things. I needed a gift for my nephew's bday, crafts for the favors I am working on for my sisters bridal shower, and stuff for her bachelorette party this weekend.

So we end up in Kohl's where I find this cute pair of Lego Star Wars pj's for my nephew. Right before I get ready to check out, my sister calls and tells me that she is annoyed with his school again because the teachers made a comment about mom's who let their kids watch Star Wars. So as we head up to the cashier ...I start to tell Umkin the story and as I'm explaining it to her the girl behind the register says to me " What is Star Wars?"...I know I looked at her like she had twenty heads as I replied "um...a movie"...to which she says "I know that...but what's the game?". I said " um...they pretend to be the characters" and then as if she hasn't BUTTED IN ENOUGH, she says " Oh, I don't think thats bad at all for kids to play at school." ok thanks so much for giving me YOUR imput into the conversation that YOU WEREN'T even a part of....I'm all for eavesdropping as a form of entertainment but Cardinal SIN number one in the rules of eavesdropping is to COMMENT ON SOMEONE ELSE'S CONVERSATION.....

So on to the next store....where the same thing happens....I mention something to my friend at the register and the girl instructs me where to find it in the store.....I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU!!!


So got everything we needed...and now we were on to get bachelorette party stuff!!! After a couple failed stores.... My good friend Umkin convinces me to go into my first "naughty" store because "they will have lots of bachelorette party stuff there".....The Catholic school girl in me was dying....We went in....there were some shady looking people in there........and of course...no good bachelorette party stuff....however .I did see PLENTY of stuff I didn't want to.....I can say that was the FIRST and LAST time I was ever and will ever be in one of those places....Not to judge....to each his own....They just aren't for me.......

So we finally decide to go to Spencers....where we probably should have just went all along....we got there and they had TONS of stuff.....I found my sister this adorable fedora that says Bachelorette and we found disposable penis cake pans....I thought it would be cute to make for the party so I pick them up and slide them under the fedora .....We get ready to pay.......Here's how that went:

Cashier (who was young and pregnant): ( yelling to the store employee) "EVERYTIME SOMEONE BUYS A PENIS CAKE PAN...I THINK OF THE TIME WE MADE THE PENISES"

and as if I wasn't mortified enough.....


I looked over at Umkin in DISBELIEF of what just happened....not ONLY did EVERYONE in SPENCERS know I bought a PENIS CAKE MOLD....I am now getting penis cake tips from the girls that work there (who by the way were EASILY 8-10 years YOUNGER than me!!!)....

I might need to go to confession on Sunday =)



~Reason, Season and Lifetime~ (author unknown)
People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season. And like Spring turns to Summer and Summer to Fall, the season eventually ends.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
Who's your reason....season....lifetime?