7.28.2009

35 more days....

OK so I miscounted....TODAY is thirty five days away from our next appt. I've had some crazy emotions yesterday. I feel like I shouldn't be airing our "dirty laundry" on the Internet but it's all bottled up and I need to spill some out...so I am going to do it here....

I've figured out that although the waiting the extra thirty five days is heartbreaking, what truly killed me the most yesterday was the fact that my husband couldn't understand why I was so upset. There have been questions raised over the years by me about his willingness to accept everything that comes along with trying to have a baby with someone with PCOS. He has always seemed hesitant for the ideas of doctors and "planned sex". This isn't an ideal situation. To be honest, I feel pretty friggen cheated out of one of woman's god given rights! I still don't understand why this had to be me....or if it had to be me, why do I love children so much. I was always asked what I wanted to be when I got older. A variety of things always came out of my mouth (singer, lawyer, marketing exec, teacher) but the one thing that stayed constant in my heart was my need to be a wife and a mother. It's almost that build up of wanting it so bad and dreaming of it for 29 years that hurts the most on days like yesterday and today.

Yesterday was the first time in our three year marriage that I really really thought of leaving. We have had some big fights before and I have questioned if life would have been easier on my own but I knew deep down I was just mad and I couldn't live without him. Yesterday was different. The pain and grief I felt over the fact that he didn't seem to "get it" was insane . I think yesterday was the first time I realized that I had been kidding myself. He wasn't excited about the appt like I was...or like I was trying to convince myself he was....it was the agony of realizing that we were on different pages for an issue that in my eyes is non-negotiable. We have been together for eleven years. He knew the deal when we were getting married. I have had PCOS since I was 21...8 years I have been dealing with this and trying to come to terms with it....I thought we both had accepted that we needed help.....I didn't realize that I had accepted it for him ..instead of with him....

It put me in this bad place.....a place where the unimaginable would happen....a place where I actually pictured the logistics to leaving and how I would make it on my own. He came home from work and I kept searching for something in his face that wasn't cold and calculated....I couldn't find it...His words (although maybe not intentional) were matter of factly! I was stunned....I cried all day yesterday and he had no emotion......I felt defeated....

We both yelled and it was followed by the eery silence, the silence that is so quiet but yet so loud. All of our words just hung there in the air ....I decided to get something to eat and check the mail .....I had nothing to say to him and I just left....It was the next chain of events that changed things for me .....

I checked the mail and we received some silly little thing from our landlord about parking in our community. I found myself wanting to rush home to tell him ...and when I picked up food...almost effortlessly I ordered him something also ....This man, as CRAZY as he drives me, is my best friend. The awkwardness disappeared when I got home and we started to talk about the parking issue. Here I was so hurt and mad, but talking to him about this parking issue was comforting.

I knew then I couldn't leave. Yes I wanted to be a wife so bad when I was little but now I want to be his wife. And although we seemed to be on separate pages with the baby thing yesterday, I want to be the mother of his children. You see when I picture my life as a mom, he's there. He is sitting there right next to me as I imagine our beautiful children. And he truly is my best friend. There is such comfort in being with someone, just sitting next to someone, and feeling safe and relaxed....no words have to be spoken, sometimes its just a look or a touch ....he gets me...he might not "get it" but he gets me and that's what truly matters.

So we talked....everything is far from better....I am still incredibly sad and still hurt but I am working through it...but we appear to be on the same page right now. We are going to use these 35 days to hash out the differences and to make things positively better for us, both individually and as a couple.

So God, here is your thirty five day warning to start crafting us the blueprint for our perfect baby! Let the countdown begin....

2 comments:

T.J. said...

Omg..My heart is swollen and my I can't stop the tears. What a great post. Makes me want to re-new my vows.
You sound like you have so much love in you to share, I'm sure your fate would not let that go to waste.
Wishing you the best.
Tam

Complicated Mama said...

This was the most beautiful post.

I know it was filled with hurt and some anger-- but the whole over tone was so much love!

Ive said it before, and I will say it again-- you and Frank are the ultimate couple and will make amazing parents.

Tammy is right, fate will not let that go to waste.

((hugs))

PS-- Tuesday (Squeeeeeee!!!!)