6.06.2009

I get so emotional baby.....

I woke up today feeling sad, and I'm trying to get my thoughts together before I go face my unsuspecting, poor hubby. I've been sad a lot more since coming back from Arizona. When I moved to California, I thought that was the worst thing in the world...being so far away from my family...We spent two miserable years there and had the chance to move back east. We jumped on it and life has been pretty sweet since then......but ever since we came back from AZ, I've just been sad.
I was neglected to be told that my grandma's skin cancer is back and although I know "it's one of the best cancers to have" ...it's still cancer....It still reminds me of her mortality.....And how come I wasn't told?!?!? Out of sight, out of mind?!?! Why is it that the longer you dont talk to someone, the easier it is to not talk to them??
And my god...my nephew!! He is like heaven in the form of a boy!! I love that child. I seriously can't picture the amount of love I could possibly have for my own children because it honestly feels like my heart can't hold anymore!! I CHERISH every moment I get to spend with him....every second and this time for the first time ever I think, I cried hysterically when having to leave him.....I'm as used to being away from him as I possibly could be, but it crushed my heart that everytime I see him he is a different kid....He grows and changes so fast and I am missing so much ......
So the hubby mentioned on the way there if I would ever consider moving back to AZ in a couple of years to which I replied...HELL NO but the truth is that if he asked me on the way back to Jersey, I might have sang a different song. I think I have learned to deal with not having my family around....I've learned to get by without them....and its sad but the truth is ...the longer you go...the easier it becomes..I normally rebound fairly quickly...this time is taking awhile though.....
To let you in on a little secret...I am TERRIFIED to lose my grandparents....I'm not sure that I ever fully recovered from my uncle Craig's sudden departure from us! I regret EVERY day not telling him I loved him before he passed and I have vowed since that day to make sure that EVERYONE I love knows how much I love them, especially my grandparents!!! I truly truly hope that my "hopefully-coming-soon" children will get to understand how wonderful they are....
Can I just say how wonderful my husband is!?!? In Leona Lewis's song I Will Be .....she says "I will be all that you want, and get myself together cause you keep me from falling apart"....That's what he does...he is like the glue in my mess of emotions ....so I sit here...trying to get myself together to face the day....Ok here I go...wish me luck =)

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