6.19.2009

Failed Test #178,493

So for the billionth time since I have been married, I thought there was a small sliver of hope that I was pregnant. Unusual tiredness- CHECK, Sore Bubbies (to be very NJ)- CHECK, weird little twings in the lower part of my stomach- CHECK .........So of course, I play this little scenario out in my head where I will wake up, take the test, see a plus sign, get so excited I start to cry, get Frank so excited he starts to cry and I can finally feel like part of my heart isn't missing.

.........So I go to sleep with the little hope that it's possible.....Maybe it will work for me this time....maybe I won't have to go through the hell that I know is ahead...Maybe God will finally give me my turn.....5:38 am....I can barely stand the excitement .....those two minutes are the longest ever ....and nothing......I look at that negative sign and another piece of my soul is chipped away.....All these little dreams I had came crashing down with the weight of 1000 of my lovely Kate Spade china plates! All I can say to myself is Thank God he is still sleeping...so I don't have to see that disappointed look on his face AGAIN....Thank god he's sleeping because I can barely talk with this lump in my throat....I get mad at myself for putting me through this AGAIN.......

......I would KILL for a chance to be "normal" ...for a "missed period" to be the sign .....for the friggen excitement of not trying and it just happening! I will never know that joy...and I feel robbed....What did I do to deserve this?!!?!? I feel so alone...like I'm in this great big pool of quicksand and I can't get out ....each day that passes I fall deeper and deeper...I hear my doc in the distance tell me over and over "the younger you are, the easier it will be....Around the time you hit thirty its gonna be really really hard".....I'm screaming for the clocks to stop because time keeps passing and nothing is ever working out right ......

.....I'm alone and I'm mad.....I would have had 1000 babies already if we had the friggen insurance we need...but no...nothing ever works out that way for us.....We decided to try without insurance and found a somewhat compassionate doctor who turned into a douche a couple weeks later...."I'm sorry you want how much for each office visit" "$400" "and you want to see me how many times a month " "at least two ...maybe three" WHO THE HELL HAS THAT MONEY LYING AROUND?!?!? I FINALLY got decent insurance in California and we moved before I was able to use it. and now that we moved to a full coverage state I can't get a state job to save my life.......what if we aren't meant to have kids? that pain is almost unbearable!!!! Each test that fails my faith slips a little bit more....I'm starting to realize this is science, not god.....and we all know how bad I was in science!!!

.......to make myself feel better I ordered a black Kate Spade bag that I saw.....so in about a week ...I will have a new baby.....It's a girl (and I don't even have to wait 9 months)...She will be added to the family of my other "babies" ...and I will treasure her with all that I have!

---It's gonna have to be enough...............................................for now!

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