Save me a spot in the mommy club!!

Ok quick wrap up of the weekend...ended up back in ER Saturday morning....tests were normal....It's all my hormones fault (turns out I'm not just being a bitch...who knew?!?) ...was sent home to rest...Had my love wait on me hand and foot...called the doctor on Monday morning....got an appt for tomorrow (Wednesday).

My weekend was exhausting!!! I couldn't sleep long...It was just a bad weekend and now my poor husband knows way too much about tampons (after having to run to the store for me multiple times)....I have a new found respect for him and his concern for me this weekend...Sometimes you kinda forget how special your spouse truly is!!! I am crazy in love with mine right now!!!

I was freaked out this weekend more than ever about the possibility of not having children and just decided I have waited long enough without doing anything....so I called our insurance company to get the low down on our fertility coverage and found that we have better coverage than we both had originally thought. I called this morning and made our consultation appt. with the reproductive endocrinologist! July 28th....it feels like forever away but I am extremely excited!!! It's my turn....so save me a spot in the mommy club...I hope to be a member within a year =)


My date with Nurse Miserable

This blog contains some very medical stuff........You have all been warned......

So if you have been reading my blogs, you know that I thought I was pregnant a few weeks ago and as god may have it, the pregnancy test was negative, I bought a new purse and carried on with my life. However, those symptoms I had before when I thought I was, didn't go away ...My bubbies were still really sore and I have been tired. About two nights ago, I started to get these dull aches in my lower back , particularly on my right side! The hypochondriac came out full force and I was sure I was having kidney failure (or at the very least a kidney infection). Late yesterday afternoon, I started to bleed...not a lot ...

Because of the PCOS, my cycle isn't regular....it might have been for like 10 minutes after I first started getting it..but it has been hell since. None of the doctors seem particularly concerned over it. They all want to put me on birth control, but hello..I'm trying to have a baby....and then they don't. So it comes and goes when it pleases, and I don't stress over it. The whole counting on the calendar thing got old very quickly because it NEVER came when expected and the emotions that I had to deal with as repercussions of that were insane, so my menstrual cycle and I made a deal....I could stop counting and it would come whenever it wanted (I know its a one sided deal...but hey what can you do!)

On to today:
So I woke up this morning...it was heavier but again no concern. The good wife that I am got up and started to clean the kitchen ....and I started to cramp badly. By the next time I went to the bathroom...I was like OMG....I tried to lay down...everything was getting worse....I FREAKED OUT ....called my wonderful husband at work and he rushed home ....we decided to go to the ER.

I have never been pregnant...I don't know what it feels like, I always get told "you will just know" well I have "just known" like twenty times already! I wasn't sure what was happening and I was scared!!

We drove around for 60 MINUTES looking for a hospital with an emergency room (something you think we both could have looked up BEFORE we left the house)...anyway we came to this hospital , which I will now refer to HELL-sptial. The parking was absurd.....there were seriously like 10 emergency room spots and they were all taken so we had to park in the PAID visitors garage and WALK to the emergency room....so I entered the HELL-sptial and checked in with the nurse. I explained what I just told you guys and asked where the bathroom was. She gave me a urine cup in a little bag that seriously looked like a McDonald's happy meal toy. I went to the bathroom, did what I had to do and went back to give her the cup and she told me to hold it...EXCUSE ME?!? Let me get this straight...you want me to sit in your ER waiting room with a cup of urine in my hand....Apparently ER stands for Extremely Revolting!

So I waited my turn....the lady calls me.....I walk into the room and am introduced to Nurse Miserable. She asks why I am there...so I start to explain the story again and this time I start crying....She asks when the bleeding started...I said last night....She asks when my last cycle was and I am TRYING to explain that it isn't normal etc etc etc.....she tells me "I'm going to need a date" and shows me a calendar...I explain I don't keep track and she says she needs something more than that. So I point to the third week of May...**it might have been around there** HERE IS THE BEST PART (ARE YOU SITTING DOWN)...she proceeds to count the four weeks from then til now and tells me I am due for my period......(you can pick your chin up off the keyboard...that was my reaction too) I am 29 years old lady...I know how a normal woman's cycle works....You stupid ass!

The appt just gets worse and worse...I am full on sobbing now and she says to me (not in a sweet or caring way...but more of a standoffish way) "Did I do something to make you cry?" ...I cant even talk...I am still trying to deal with the fact that she didn't think I had the ability to count 4 WEEKS on a calendar! so I don't answer and she says "Why are you crying?" ...COME ON LADY ...really...you don't know why I am crying???....

The unpleasantness kept coming.....to make an extremely LONG 15 minutes short...I can't count...I am stupid for thinking it was anything more than my period and I am obviously wasting her time....She orders a urine test done...which surprise surprise comes back negative (yea bitch I could have told you that) and sends me out to the waiting room to be called.....

By the time I get back to my incredibly supportive husband I can't breathe!!! I barely squeak out what happened and I tell him I want to leave....I was MORTIFIED....We go up to the lady at the front and tell her we are leaving and OF COURSE ..she has to notify Nurse Miserable....Upon notifying Nurse Miserable she turned to me and said "Fine Ill take you out of the computer" and walked away......I sobbed the whole way to the car....It was quite a trip to the HELL-spital!!

I will be calling a ob/gyn on Monday to go in and deal with someone with bedside manner... It's been a crazy LONG day!!


Breathe In.......Breathe Out.....

Can I just tell you how much I love reading pregnancy announcements on facebook?!?!? I get that "sucker-punched in the stomach" feeling. I was just going along..minding my own business and BAM! night is ruined! I'm not insensitive ....I am happy for her .....ok... I'll work on it.....
...........This just after the news story of the little day old baby girl they found in a shoebox....A FRIGGEN SHOEBOX! Ok god...hear me out....That scum of a mother gets pregnant...has a baby and LEAVES her in a friggen show box....and I am still buying Kate Spade bags to compensate for the hole in my heart left from yet another failed pregnancy test!!! WHERE IS THE LOGIC?!!?

On a happier note....my new baby Kate did arrive today and she is timeless and classic!!! I might just have to put my manolo's on tomorrow and walk around with my new kate as I do chores around the house =) See sometimes the simple things in life can make me happy....


Failed Test #178,493

So for the billionth time since I have been married, I thought there was a small sliver of hope that I was pregnant. Unusual tiredness- CHECK, Sore Bubbies (to be very NJ)- CHECK, weird little twings in the lower part of my stomach- CHECK .........So of course, I play this little scenario out in my head where I will wake up, take the test, see a plus sign, get so excited I start to cry, get Frank so excited he starts to cry and I can finally feel like part of my heart isn't missing.

.........So I go to sleep with the little hope that it's possible.....Maybe it will work for me this time....maybe I won't have to go through the hell that I know is ahead...Maybe God will finally give me my turn.....5:38 am....I can barely stand the excitement .....those two minutes are the longest ever ....and nothing......I look at that negative sign and another piece of my soul is chipped away.....All these little dreams I had came crashing down with the weight of 1000 of my lovely Kate Spade china plates! All I can say to myself is Thank God he is still sleeping...so I don't have to see that disappointed look on his face AGAIN....Thank god he's sleeping because I can barely talk with this lump in my throat....I get mad at myself for putting me through this AGAIN.......

......I would KILL for a chance to be "normal" ...for a "missed period" to be the sign .....for the friggen excitement of not trying and it just happening! I will never know that joy...and I feel robbed....What did I do to deserve this?!!?!? I feel so alone...like I'm in this great big pool of quicksand and I can't get out ....each day that passes I fall deeper and deeper...I hear my doc in the distance tell me over and over "the younger you are, the easier it will be....Around the time you hit thirty its gonna be really really hard".....I'm screaming for the clocks to stop because time keeps passing and nothing is ever working out right ......

.....I'm alone and I'm mad.....I would have had 1000 babies already if we had the friggen insurance we need...but no...nothing ever works out that way for us.....We decided to try without insurance and found a somewhat compassionate doctor who turned into a douche a couple weeks later...."I'm sorry you want how much for each office visit" "$400" "and you want to see me how many times a month " "at least two ...maybe three" WHO THE HELL HAS THAT MONEY LYING AROUND?!?!? I FINALLY got decent insurance in California and we moved before I was able to use it. and now that we moved to a full coverage state I can't get a state job to save my life.......what if we aren't meant to have kids? that pain is almost unbearable!!!! Each test that fails my faith slips a little bit more....I'm starting to realize this is science, not god.....and we all know how bad I was in science!!!

.......to make myself feel better I ordered a black Kate Spade bag that I saw.....so in about a week ...I will have a new baby.....It's a girl (and I don't even have to wait 9 months)...She will be added to the family of my other "babies" ...and I will treasure her with all that I have!

---It's gonna have to be enough...............................................for now!


The Fortune Teller

Today I was forced to eat in a restaurant I despise. I simply lost the vote and was dragging my feet the whole way there!!! A birthday lunch for a family friend....I gritted my teeth thru the meal and then we sang happy birthday. In grand tradition of chinese food, we pass out the fortune cookies, everyone takes one and I grab the one on the pink ice cream of course!! I read my fortune out loud "All of your hard work will soon pay off"! No sooner do I finish reading mine, my husband reads his and its the SAME EXACT THING!!

Now I once read that it is NEARLY impossible to ever get the same fortune twice because there are sooooo many fortunes being printed....so call me crazy...but seriously what is the likelihood that my husband and I would BOTH get the SAME fortune??? F-A-T-E.....

......so what does this mean......well in the wake of my 29th birthday (thunder striking...da...da...dum).....maybe......just maybe our hard work will pay off and we will get a baby!!!

Oh and by the way....we played the numbers on the bottom of our fortunes...so maybe we will be rich too =)...................a girl can dream can't she??


I get so emotional baby.....

I woke up today feeling sad, and I'm trying to get my thoughts together before I go face my unsuspecting, poor hubby. I've been sad a lot more since coming back from Arizona. When I moved to California, I thought that was the worst thing in the world...being so far away from my family...We spent two miserable years there and had the chance to move back east. We jumped on it and life has been pretty sweet since then......but ever since we came back from AZ, I've just been sad.
I was neglected to be told that my grandma's skin cancer is back and although I know "it's one of the best cancers to have" ...it's still cancer....It still reminds me of her mortality.....And how come I wasn't told?!?!? Out of sight, out of mind?!?! Why is it that the longer you dont talk to someone, the easier it is to not talk to them??
And my god...my nephew!! He is like heaven in the form of a boy!! I love that child. I seriously can't picture the amount of love I could possibly have for my own children because it honestly feels like my heart can't hold anymore!! I CHERISH every moment I get to spend with him....every second and this time for the first time ever I think, I cried hysterically when having to leave him.....I'm as used to being away from him as I possibly could be, but it crushed my heart that everytime I see him he is a different kid....He grows and changes so fast and I am missing so much ......
So the hubby mentioned on the way there if I would ever consider moving back to AZ in a couple of years to which I replied...HELL NO but the truth is that if he asked me on the way back to Jersey, I might have sang a different song. I think I have learned to deal with not having my family around....I've learned to get by without them....and its sad but the truth is ...the longer you go...the easier it becomes..I normally rebound fairly quickly...this time is taking awhile though.....
To let you in on a little secret...I am TERRIFIED to lose my grandparents....I'm not sure that I ever fully recovered from my uncle Craig's sudden departure from us! I regret EVERY day not telling him I loved him before he passed and I have vowed since that day to make sure that EVERYONE I love knows how much I love them, especially my grandparents!!! I truly truly hope that my "hopefully-coming-soon" children will get to understand how wonderful they are....
Can I just say how wonderful my husband is!?!? In Leona Lewis's song I Will Be .....she says "I will be all that you want, and get myself together cause you keep me from falling apart"....That's what he does...he is like the glue in my mess of emotions ....so I sit here...trying to get myself together to face the day....Ok here I go...wish me luck =)