5.08.2009

Who Is That Girl I See?

After living in what feels like an 8 year daze, I finally feel somewhat content. I love being back on the east coast and I love having my great friends back in my life. I feel like for the first time I have woken up since the nightmare of being diagnosed with PCOS.....and it's pretty scary to realize you don't know who is looking back at you in the mirror.
When I was diagnosed, I slipped into a DEEP depression....What do you mean I am going to struggle to have children, when that's the ONE thing I wanted most in my whole life??? So the doctor tells me " The younger you are, the easier it will be"! That didn't seem so traumatic at the age of 21 but with each passing birthday, the burden over my head grows larger and larger. So I started to eat.....
Had a bad day at school.....eat
had a good day at school......eat
stressed at job........eat
going out with friends....eat
I eat because I am bored....I eat because I am sad....I eat because I am stressed... I eat because I am awake (to quote a great friend of mine)

...............Fast forward to 8 years later....I am here looking in a mirror and wondering what the hell happened?!?!?! How did this happen??? Who is this girl???? Maybe it was ok to be fat me in California ...I was so miserable there....god I hated it!!! but that was who I was....that is how people knew me.....but now I am back and content with where I live and feel like I am having this out of body experience with who I am now. I can't possibly look like this.....

I hate the feeling of being ashamed, of wanting to avoid all social situations because of how I look, of being SO excited to see old friends but being sick over the fact that they will see who I have become.....but the old me has to still be inside right? or did it die when the doctor told me I had PCOS??? I feel like I wasted my 20's away hiding...I refuse to waste my 30's away!! I am on a mission to become comfortable in my own skin.....

I'm awake and I'm ready to break out of this body....I'm going to do this.....

1 comments:

Complicated Mama said...

Jenn!! {{HUGS}} You are a beautiful person... you should never feel this way. Being one of the old friends (thrilled to be) back in your life, know that you are not judged by anything but the measure of friend you are... and you--- my friend are AWESOME.:)And you will be an awesome mommy too!! :)

On a lighter note--- that eat cause Im awake thing--- who is this great friend... cause it sounds like me- though i dont remember saying it. ha

Tonight is "the last night of fatty foods"... eat up girl!.. cause we're going to KICK WW ASS starting Saturday :)