12.31.2009

A Decade of Changes


I am just finishing up living my THIRD full decade (that's right...I am turning THIRTY.....ugh.....I'm not ALLOWED to turn thirty! That's only for grown-ups)....and as I look back over the past ten years ...I realize the early 2000's (what do we call them?!?!? the 00's?!?!?) was about change....
It's weird to sit back and try to remember all the stuff that you have done over the last ten years...I started to think about it after I read Complicated Mama's blog about her past ten years...I got to thinking! What the hell did I do over the last ten years.....So here is my attempt at remembering my life.....

2000- I was on the path to my first degree....got accepted into the teaching program at Arizona State University and started my internships at schools. Hubby and I were dating for 2 years at this point (long distance).....I was working at Hollywood Video and I believe Charlotte's Room (yep...two jobs and school! Thank you credit card debt....seriously...18 year olds should not be allowed to get credit cards because they have no idea the consequences...like turning 20 and having to work two jobs and go to school!!)

2001- I turned of legal drinking age!! Hubby and I were dating for three years (still long distance)....2001 was the year of failed dreams and major life changes..Sept 11th and my diagnosis of PCOS. This also started my panic to have children upon hearing "The younger you are the easier it will be". From this year forward, every birthday has been a dark cloud looming over my head....

2002- I GRADUATED COLLEGE!!!! Early Childhood Degree and got my teaching certificate. I also completed my student teaching and realized how much I loved teaching Kindergarten......Hubby and I were dating for four years at this point (yup..you guessed it....long distance).....

2003- was a year of heartbreak..... I lost my beloved Uncle Craig unexpectedly in March and Hubby broke up with me TWICE this year (yep ..I said twice).....The tears that I cried that year seemed unending....The funeral still feels surreal and I still today get moments that I can't believe he is gone. As for hubby's and my relationship....this was probably our lowest point....it was rough for about a year after....but once that hurdle was over and we both grew up....our relationship started to mold into what it is today.....On a positive note...I got my first teaching job this year...in Kindergarten of course

2004- Hubby and I were dating for SIX YEARS (everyone say it with me ....long distance). My kindergarten position was eliminated so I moved to second grade in a new district, where I met one of my best friends! I don't really remember too much from this year.....probably a good thing =)

2005- This was a HUGE year....I found out my sister was pregnant....she had my nephew....and I got engaged!!!! AFTER SEVEN years of dating (L-O-N-G....D-I-S-T-A-N-C-E) hubby relocated to San Diego (which was a six hour drive instead of a five hour flight) and we decided to get MARRIED! In grand tradition of me...I started to plan the wedding BEFORE the ring....What?!? Don't judge me! We agreed it was time to get married on July 4th while out to dinner in San Diego....He was working on the ring...I was working on the plans.....So what if I had my hall booked and my dresses ordered before the ring....WE HAD BEEN DATING FOR SEVEN YEARS and when you know you want to marry someone after the first two weeks of dating...that's a long long long time =)

2006- MY WEDDING YEAR! Hubby and I got married on July 15, 2006 in HOT Scottsdale, Arizona, where I swear I saw some of our out of state guests MELTING! The temperature was 115 the day of the wedding....HOTTEST of the year!!! But it didn't stop the happiest day of my life...We had the WORST & BEST honeymoon (that's another blog post) and I moved to San Diego so we can FINALLY be together (NOT LONG DISTANCE). We also started trying to conceive this year.....As you can guess...it didn't work....

2007- I had a rough year this year...It was very hard being away from my family....I couldn't get a teaching job in San Diego because they didn't need teachers....I ended up working in a kids clothing store and then a Montessori school....Trying to conceive was rough because we found out we had NO insurance coverage towards it. We attempted to see a doctor and pay cash but he was pushy with treatments and we couldn't afford it! It was a bad year!!

2008-Hubby and I both lost grandparents this year...his grandfather died in May and my grandmother died in September.....We moved back to the east coast (Jersey in the house). I started to pursue my master's degree in reading education. My sister got engaged on New Years Eve!

2009-Hubby and I began to see an RE (Dr. Godfather) again to try to have a baby (this time with coverage!)...STILL no teaching job!!! My sister got married 12-18-09 and my baby brother started COLLEGE!!! I worked hard on my education....and as of today as I write this...I have 9 WEEKS LEFT! I reconnected with old friends and am grateful for them every day! I started to blog full force and it has changed so many things for me!


So what's in store for 2010? MY MASTER'S DEGREE! I TURN THIRTY and hopefully a baby! Besides the turning thirty stuff...I couldn't think of a better year!!!!

12.29.2009

My Sister's Wedding

My sister's wedding ...in pictures.....with portions of my speech (that I didn't give ..LOL)!!!

The rehearsal dinner!


I was very protective of Melissa even at an early age. I hear that I used to finish her sentences all the time and once when she was hungry, I made her a meal of Smurf cereal and gravy. Appetizing huh?
We loved dolls, we loved to play and we loved each other.
And all too quickly the childhood years of playing with our Barbie’s turned into the teenage years of fighting over makeup and privacy. Luckily we walked out of our teen years, with all of our teeth and just a few bruises and have developed the wonderful relationship we have now. My sister means the world to me and is truly my best friend.





Getting Ready =)




Putting on her shoes =)






Hubby and I




On our way to the church

I remember when Melissa came home and first told me about Tom….she asked my advice on talking to him. Of course being her older smarter sister, I gave her advice... it obviously worked …oh and by the way guys I’ll take my thank you in large bills only….



My nephew...had his head down the whole time....really concentrating on those rings on his pillow!





Here comes the bride!





Mr. and Mrs.






The newlyweds!

Melissa, I am truly delighted to watch you marry the man of your dreams today. I want nothing less for you than a lifetime of happiness and health with your new husband. After all, you do make gorgeous babies! I love how our family is growing. Tom, you make a perfect fit for our family.




I wish you both a lifetime of love and happiness!!!


I just want to finish tonight with a few pieces of advice:
Always remember to say those three important little words..."You're right dear."
If you're clever, you'll always have the last word. However, if you are very clever, you won't use it.
Whenever you are wrong, admit it. Whenever you are right, be quiet.
And, Tom, always remember...a happy wife… happy life!
I love you both!


(That last part was totally stolen from a speech website...but the advice is perfect.....oh like you could have come up with something better?!?? Stop judging me!)


12 years and still going strong <3

My Grandparents

12.23.2009

Can You Keep A Secret?

So can you guys keep a secret? I have done everything "wrong" this month in regards to TTC! What cd am I on? Hell if I know.....I haven't stayed away from caffeine...I haven't stayed away from lunch meats.....I've been eating tons of sweets....and are you ready for this....no pineapple (unless you count the pina colada I thought about having). I have not taken my temperature and guess what?!?! I AM SLEEPING BETTER! My body needed a break...My mind needed a break....I needed a break.....

And here is the GREAT part for this month...I have NO EXPECTATIONS. Nurse Christmas (the new name I have assigned my new nurse...based on her real name) kept me on Clomid this month to stay in control of my cycles....I did OPK....got two positives on two different days and they weren't consecutive....weird huh?!??! but anyway ...there is a slight chance it could have worked....but I have no expectations....none.....and I am loving every minute of it! I am enjoying my time with my nephew and my family and everything there is to enjoy about Christmas (including the yummy desserts I am baking). I plan on having shrimp on Christmas.....I'm sure I will eat some antipasto......and I won't feel guilty!

......but OF COURSE...I won't drink.....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................just in case....

12.16.2009

Wordless Wednesday


It's Almost Time!








12.12.2009

New Holiday Song! Do They Know it's Baby Time?

Ok Here is the latest of my holiday songs! These songs are written as jokes to help with a difficult time of year. Enjoy!


Do They Know it's Baby Time? (Sung to the tune of Do They Know it's Christmas Time?)

It's POAS Time
There's no need to be afraid
At POAS time
We examine in the light the stick of it's different shades

And in our world of empty
OPK's can spread a smile of joy
Throw your arms around your love
It's BD time!

But say a prayer
Pray for the swimming ones
conception time... it's hard
The two week wait is no fun
There's a world outside your worries
And it's a world of pink and blue
Where the only babies growing
are in everyone else but you
And the doctor's bills are stinking
And all the fertiles thinking:
"Well tonight thank God it's them instead of me"


And there won't be a baby in my uterus
This Christmas time
The greatest gift I won't get this year is life
Where nothing ever grows
oh listen to my woes
Do they know it's baby time at all?
In-Fer-tile
Let them know it's baby time
In-Fer-tile
Let them know it's baby time again

IN-FER-TILE

12.09.2009

The Name Steal

I really don't think there is anything worse for someone struggling to get pregnant than to have their beloved child names stolen by some fertile who can't make up their own mind! I have wanted to have kids since I was probably like 5. I have had my names picked out for my kids for a VERY long time .....MANY MANY MANY years. It's not my fault I can't have a baby....If I was fertile, this wouldn't be an issue. Let's just say infertiles have lots and lots of time to decide on names and it is VERY important to them.

My boys names have been set in stone for about 15 years! I will not change them...no matter what...but it's OK to have boys with the same names in a family....girls...not so much. I have had my heart set on this one girl name....I fell in LOVE with it about 8 years ago and have wanted it ever since! Since then, person after person has named their child my beloved name! It has become one of the most popular names in the country and my hubby no longer wants to use it. And he is right! Growing up a Jennifer, I was NEVER the only Jennifer in my class so I always had to be called Jennifer G! Not fun....and I just don't want to do that to my child....We have moved onto other options....but my heart still hurts for that name!

One of my biggest fears when someone becomes pregnant is the name steal. You know, you had a conversation prior to them getting pregnant, when you thought the coast was clear, and they they reveal they are pregnant....the sweats start...the panic...will they? won't they? It's an awful feeling! I can't tell the sigh of relief given when another name is chosen or the daggers I feel if that line is crossed. My sister had it happen to her....and she is fertile...by one of her best friends....TACKY TACKY TACKY!

So to follow the advice from hubby...I will be lying each and every time someone asks me what names we are thinking about.....I will pick the most hideous names I can think of.....and I can't wait til the day when one of those fertiles steals it =)

12.05.2009

New Holiday Song- It's the Most Dreadful Time of the Year.

New Song (and I just want to go on record by saying that I LOVE CHRISTMAS....infertile and all)! ENJOY!

It's the Most Dreadful Time of the Year- (sung to the tune of It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year)

It's the most dreadful time of the year
without kids, heart is swelling
and everyone's telling you
"It will happen next year"
It's the most dreadful time of the year

It's the crap-crappiest season of all
empty womb is aching
as you are making
Christmas cards with your dogs!
It's the crap-crappiest season of all

Everyone will be thinking
I really should start drinking...
Baby-less-in all the snow
There'll be scary pregnancy stories
And tales of the "glories" from infertiles long, long ago

It's the most dreadful time of the year
There'll be much angry tears
at your ever growing fears
of turning 30 next year!
It's the most dreadful time of the year

Have A Broken Heart...Get A Nephew!

I always thought I would have kids first. I'm three years older than my sister so I just automatically assumed I would get married first, and have kids first....but things turned out differently. The day my sister walked into my room and told me she needed to talk to me, I knew what was coming .....I said "OMG You're Pregnant" and she started to cry. I was so excited but my heart had broke into a million pieces. I wasn't even married yet (even though we had been dating for 6 and a half years at that point) but I knew the struggles we would face. I put on a brave face, even though I think I cried myself to sleep for days! The pain eventually subsided and all I was left with was something truly wonderful!

The day my sister went to find out what she was having, I was lucky enough to be there. I put one pink sock on and one blue sock on and when the ultrasound tech did her thing....there he was! He was all sorts of perfect ....so tiny in her belly! My sister and I share the same shopping genes so we immediately went to register. That day was one of the happiest of my life!

I remember sitting with my sister in our parents living room one day and we were talking about names and I said "What about Tyler?" Tyler at that time had been a little boy in my second grade class who was just the most lovable child, but whose situation at home had been difficult. I always used to say if I could ever take a child home...It would be him.....He had made a place in my heart as I knew my little nephew would....My sister chose that name!

I used to talk to my sisters belly....He was due in September and I knew I was going away the first weekend. I wanted to be in that delivery room with her so I spoke to my sisters belly and told Ty that he had to stay in there until I got home on Monday.....Her water broke 6 hours after I landed.....It was the beginning of our special bond!

From the moment he came out....It was pure love! THE MOST love I have ever felt for ANYONE in my whole life (except my husband ..but that's different). I was an aunt! I was his Aunt Jenn ....I couldn't have thanked my sister more for bringing him into my life! As the months flew by and he began to grow, I was planning my wedding.....I knew I would be moving before his first birthday and it broke my heart.

Being away from him for so long at a time has been difficult. He changes so much each time I see him! I may be biased...but he really is the most adorable child that ever walked the earth (well until my kids are born). He completely LOVES my husband! Everything is all about Uncle Frank.....Ty's new obsession is Star Wars, which my hubby had bonded with him over....Now every time he talks to him...its all about Jedi and light sabers. Of course, he NEVER wants to talk to me on the phone...only Uncle Frank!

My sister is getting married in less than two weeks and I am so excited for her! And the best part is that my nephew will get to spend 5 days with us while my sister and new brother in law go on their honeymoon! I have been looking forward to it sooo much especially with the holidays here!!!

After receiving my bad news on Thursday, I cried for what seemed like forever.....I stopped at some point yesterday afternoon...and decided to call my mom....Imagine my surprise when I heard this little voice pick up the phone and say "Hi!" He was checking out the situation for Christmas! He asked me if we had a chimney. I told him we had a chimney and a fire place and that we also had Christmas tree set up. Then he said " No fire when Santa comes, we don't want to burn him". I said of course not! I told him we were going to make cookies for Santa, and watch Christmas shows, and look at Christmas lights! And then he said the most wonderful thing to me "I can't wait to come to your house Aunt Jenn!". All those pieces of my heart that were broken finally felt like they started beating again! I swear I felt some of my heart stitch up at that very moment!

Hubby and I decided to skip our IUI this month. It would have been at the time of my sisters wedding and when my nephew would have been here! We don't want anything taking away from this special time that we have to spend with him! I'd rather focus on seeing Christmas through my nephews eyes this year than spending it in the doctors office with all the other poor schmoes who have the same issues as I do!

So that's it folks....If you have a broken heart.....get a nephew! And no, you can't have my nephew! Get your own!

12.03.2009

Are You There GOD, It's Me, Jenn

Dear God,

I want to start by saying that I might go to hell for this letter but I need to say what I am feeling. I don't get it God! Hubby and I have been trying to conceive for over THREE YEARS and nothing....NOTHING! We are both good people....we met in Catholic school for heavens sake ( Am I allowed to say that?). We stay out of trouble....we are both educated and we love each other very much ....but I guess that isn't enough....

PLEASE tell me what it takes.....I don't know how much longer I can deal with this emptiness and pain.....People are so fast to throw comfort words at me that involve you....telling me how you have a plan and that you wouldn't give me anything that I couldn't handle. I'm here to tell you its too much.....I have never in my life felt emptier than I do right now...

My father in law said to me a few weeks ago that we pray when we need you but that you answer in your own time...and I am trying so hard to comprehend that and to let it comfort me ...but it doesn't. I feel forgotten about and lonely....I have prayed on so many nights ...I've pleaded with you so many times and now I sit here questioning my faith.

Why is this so hard? Why are you making this so hard on us? Just tell me what I need to do for this to work! Tell me how to make this ache in my heart stop! I need to believe your real...I need to feel your presence...I need something.....Did I already cash my chips in when I pleaded with you to save my aunt? You did it! She was hours, moments even, away from dying and you saved her....now....I'm asking you to please save me!

If you need to talk to me, I'll be the one crying myself to sleep...with whatever faith I have left.

Love,
Jenn

Myth Busted!

OK so you know how when you ask a pregnant woman how they knew they were pregnant and most (I'm not saying all) will tell you "I Just Knew!" ...well I'm here to tell you today that myth is BUSTED! I "just knew" too this cycle....and there's no baby!

I was really skeptical last month (during our first IUI)...I wouldn't allow myself to think anything positive......but this month was soo different...Different symptoms....different circumstances...different feelings.......everyone asking me how I'm feeling and everything I said "sounds like symptoms".....My rocket science follicle has failed me....biology has failed me....

I have failed me....

I shouldn't have let myself think it for one minute....It's so hard not to but you can't be let down too hard when you don't expect much....Every twinge I was feeling I pictured what the baby could be doing ....now I picture my empty uterus , preparing for ANOTHER cycle, getting ready to shred the remnants of this failed cycle along with the remnants of my failed dreams.....As I was sobbing this morning, my husband said "I really thought we had it this time"...I wanted to scream out that I did too but all I could force out was another louder sob.....I love him to death....I couldn't do this without him!

As crazy as the temping has driven me, it truly prepared me for the phone call this morning. I knew what was coming so I was able to hold my composure better than I did last month (which was just until the phone was hung up). I was able to ask more questions and get more info. By the way ...huge brownie points for the new nurse today.. She called me as soon as the results came in...at 9:17 this morning....she didn't make me wait all day like Nurse BFF did - maybe I didn't like her as much as I thought!

So that's it folks...IUI # 2 FAILED! Woman "just know" when they are pregnant...BULLSHIT!

12.02.2009

Wordless Wednesday


It's not looking good........

12.01.2009

The TPI Agency!

After being unemployed for OVER year (Thank you crappy economy and thank you overpopulation of teachers in NJ), I finally have a job! It's a temporary job...will probably only last a couple more days (if even that)...I am a TOILET PAPER INSPECTOR..better known on the force as a TPI! (Wait..what?!?! That's NOT a real job!?!? I'm still considered unemployed?!?!? SIGH!)

You have officially become a toilet paper inspector (TPI Agent) when you are at the end of your two week wait and every time you go to the bathroom, you find yourself examining the toilet paper for any signs that she is on her way and that all you did that month means crap! There are different degrees of TPI Agents....You could be a quick TPI agent ...where you look quickly....or you could be one of those TPI agents where you examine the toilet paper under every light in the house (those TPI agents probably even have a flashlight next to the toilet...if they tell you its just in case of a blackout...they are lying)....Me, I'm in between those agents....I inspect a little longer than normal and hold it up to the light ..but that's it. My TPI'ing stays behind closed doors!

This one time..I thought I really caught the culprit. I was totally sure I spotted her...but it ended up being my skin through the paper....That looked bad for this TPI agent....I won't make that mistake again!

Just in case you are wondering....The agency is still hiring....You get to pick your own hours (due to the amount of liquid you drink).....No health benefits I'm afraid....and the pay is pretty crappy...as a matter of fact..I have to PAY to work there (services paid to my RE)! This job is not for the weak-minded...as the constant stress and pressure on the job can drive anyone insane! So that's it folks...That's my new "job"....and I proudly wear my TPI badge (under my clothes of course because I don't want people to think I'm weird or anything)!

11.27.2009

Holiday Song # 4......The Twelve "Presents" of This Cycle!

In honor of Black Friday and the start of the Holiday season....I bring you a new holiday song!

The Twelve "Presents" of This Cycle (sung to the tune of The Twelve Days of Christmas)

On the first "present" of this cycle, my RE gave to me blood work and ultrasound on day 3

On the second "present" of this cycle, my RE gave to me the two week wait and blood work and ultrasound on day 3

On the third "present of this cycle, my RE gave to me three hot flashes, the two week wait and blood work and ultrasound on day 3

On the fourth "present" of this cycle, my RE gave to me four days of OPK testing, three hot flashes, the two week wait and blood work and ultrasound on day 3

On the fifth "present" of this cycle, my RE gave to me FIVE DAYS OF CLOMID...four days of OPK testing, three hot flashes, the two week wait and blood work and ultrasound on day three.

On the sixth "present" of this cycle, my RE gave to me six AM appointments....FIVE DAYS OF CLOMID...four days of OPK testing, three hot flashes, the two week wait and blood work and ultrasound on day three.

On the seventh "present" of this cycle, my RE gave to me seven blood-drawn bruises, six AM appointments....FIVE DAYS OF CLOMID...four days of OPK testing, three hot flashes, the two week wait and blood work and ultrasound on day three.

On the eighth "present" of this cycle, my RE gave to me eight hours of waiting, seven blood-drawn bruises, six AM appointments....FIVE DAYS OF CLOMID...four days of OPK testing, three hot flashes, the two week wait and blood work and ultrasound on day three.

On the ninth "present" of this cycle, my RE gave to me 9 million medical bills, eight hours of waiting, seven blood-drawn bruises, six AM appointments....FIVE DAYS OF CLOMID...four days of OPK testing, three hot flashes, the two week wait and blood work and ultrasound on day three.

On the tenth "present" of this cycle, my RE gave to me disgusting progesterone supplements, 9 million medical bills, eight hours of waiting, seven blood-drawn bruises, six AM appointments....FIVE DAYS OF CLOMID...four days of OPK testing, three hot flashes, the two week wait and blood work and ultrasound on day three.

On the eleventh "present" of this cycle, my RE gave to me 11 nightmares of ovidril, ten days of progesterone supplements, 9 million medical bills, eight hours of waiting, seven blood-drawn bruises, six AM appointments....FIVE DAYS OF CLOMID.... four days of OPK testing, three hot flashes, the two week wait and blood work and ultrasound on day three.

On the twelfth present of this cycle, my RE gave to me A baby? (hopefully).....11 nightmares of ovidril, ten days of progesterone supplements, 9 million medical bills, eight hours of waiting, seven blood-drawn bruises, six AM appointments....FIVE DAYS OF CLOMID.... four days of OPK testing, three hot flashes, the two week wait and blood work and ultrasound on day three.




Hope everyone had a fabulous Thanksgiving =) Enjoy!

11.26.2009

I Am Thankful...I Really Am!

I am thankful for my husband, because without him, I'm not sure I would have the strength to get out of bed some mornings. I've been in love with my best friend for eleven and a half years now. I am thankful that he gets me (and my shopping) and even puts up with my crazy hormone induced rages! I have found my love of a lifetime and I am thankful every day for it!

I am thankful for my parents, whose love and support have been invaluable! I am thankful for the way they raised me, which helped to make me the person I am today. My mom has become my best friend and my father isn't afraid to ever tell me how proud he is of me and that he loves me. My parents are my biggest cheerleaders but yet know when to step back and let me make my own mistakes and learn my own lessons, but always have an ear and shoulder to lend when those life lessons don't turn out in my favor.

I am thankful for my sister and my brother who I can always count on for a great laugh. You know those kinds of laughs that take your breath away. That's what having siblings is about! And I am so grateful that my sister gave me my beautiful nephew, who has taught me exactly what it means to love a child so much that your heart feels like its going to burst.

I am thankful for my grandparents and the relationship that I have with them. Although it hurts my heart that I don't get to see them as often anymore, I get such a feeling of happiness thinking of them.

I am thankful for my in laws, who have become another set of parents for me. They have made my husband the wonderful man he is today (and even made him that cute). They provide support and love and have accepted me in as their daughter. Hubby's mom and dad are such caring and wonderful people, and so are the people they married! I feel so blessed to have them in my life! I am also blessed and thankful for hubby's adorable grandma, who I feel the same connection with that I do my own grandparents.

I am so thankful for my friends....who have gotten me through this year. I am thankful to have reconnected with some old ones and for the relationships that have continued to strengthen over the years. My friends rock!

I am thankful for twitter (silly ...I know) but the ladies that I have met on there and the support that is provided as hubby and I try to have our baby is never-ending I have never felt that someone has understood the pain and emptiness that I feel, but I now know that I have all the support that I need at my fingers and it's awesome!

But most importantly (this is ME we are talking about), I am thankful for black Friday shopping! One day a year is dedicated to my favorite sport. I mean..... shopping is my cardio!

Today is all about being thankful, spending time with family, and eating til your insides feel like they are going to burst out! But tomorrow....tomorrow is all about the CHA-CHING!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

11.19.2009

IUI 2.2

So today was iui # 2 in iui cycle 2! We always get appointments the second day and our appointment was (drum roll please) 6:30 AM! We are normally there at 6:00 so this was "sleeping in"! We were both so tired this morning....could barely keep my eyes open......however they were open long enough to see the INSANE amount of people in the waiting room! OMG ...like seriously what is going on with woman's reproductive issues?!?!?

My wonderful step-mother in law made a comment not too long ago about how something had to be going on 20 years ago to make all these issues apparent today! Maybe it was an immunization we got.....maybe it's the crappy processed foods that we have been eating...but there are some SERIOUS issues going on here. There were easily 40 PEOPLE (yes 40 PEOPLE) in the waiting room this morning.....absolutely absurd!!!

There was another new doctor today....a female doctor....I was actually relieved to see her walk in....but BOY was that relief gone soon...let's just say this woman is "DR. OUCH".....She seriously shoved that speculum in...UM HELLO LADY ..I THINK YOU KNOW HOW THAT FEELS! It was fast and painful...and with a generic good luck she was out the door......She said to lay for five minutes....all the other doctors have said 10+ and I have read that 15 minutes is very beneficial so imagine my surprise when the nurse KNOCKED ON THE DOOR after FIVE MINUTES pretty much telling us to get out!

I was LIVID! It felt like we overstayed on a hotel room...a $2000 dollar hotel room.....all I wanted was to lay 15 minutes...but somehow I feel that the waiting room FULL of people dictated the swiftness of our exit. I felt cheated and am still mad as hell! If you can't control the amount of people that come in ....STOP TAKING NEW PATIENTS!

End of discussion...have a nice day =)

11.18.2009

IUI round 2

So today was our day 15 doctor's appt to check on my follicles due to the fact that I haven't gotten a positive on the OPK's yet this cycle. Last cycle, we weren't ready til CD 23! So I was definitely going this morning fully prepared for the crazy cycle roller coaster that was about to begin with the monitoring.

I doctor prepped yesterday (If you are a female ..you know all about this)....When I woke up this morning...I put my warmest clothes on picturing just rolling back into bed in about an hour. I didn't think about my socks...I didn't think about my hair...we just went... I debated NOT bringing my shot with me...but decided to at the last minute. Glad I did!

We got to the doctors office, I was glad to see the business is doing well, because the people they hire to make the waiting room seem full were in full effect!! Further proof that they are hired actors, I was called back in 10 minutes (and no one batted an eye)..Now I'm just saying if some lady just walked in and got called right back I would be PISSED! No one cared...those robots!

New doctor today! Doctor Whispers ...you barely understood anything this guy was saying. But I totally love him!! He is really adorable (not in that HOT McDreamy way but in that "Aw I want you to be my Grandpa" way)! Right ovary had an 18/19 and left was ready to go!!!! I was shocked! I took the OPK last night and it was not positive....but I figured this was my 11 mm rocket science follicle from the other day! Way to go follicle! I was on CLOUD 9 ....A NORMAL CYCLE....SHOUT IT OUT WITH ME PEOPLE!!!!!

I should have known today was going to be the day....because I wanted to go to this little place called Peddler's Village. Peddler's Village is this cute little town with all these cute little shops and I love cute little things so its my kind of place! We attempted to go for the first time on Mother's Day...it was crowded so we only went in a few stores and left.....We then attempted to go back again a few weeks ago but it was their apple festival and when I tell you Times Square had nothing on this traffic ...I am not even kidding. A normal hour drive...took us WAY over two and there was NO MOVING OR PARKING so we drove all the way home. So when Hubby said to me that he had work to do around there...I was sooo excited...It's a Wednesday so it can't be busy and there will be parking....I worked my ass off yesterday to finish most of my paper to go today .....

....so of course after the initial excitement of the IUI wore off ...I said "UGH I MISS PEDDLER'S VILLAGE AGAIN"....Of course the IUI is more important and even though I want to be a mother so bad....right now I'm a shopper so I will admit I was a little sad.....See God ..now I have to be pregnant...I missed SHOPPING for this =)

The sadness wore off and I was sooo excited again! What a relief to ovulate at a "normal" time!!! I feel REALLY great about this cycle!!! We head back tomorrow for IUI # 2 and then we enter into my beloved two week wait!

Let's discuss the OPK's quickly people! So Hubby and I decided it was economically better to get the STORE brand ...7 tests for $20 instead of the NAME BRAND 2 tests for $20! I used them last cycle and I used them this cycle. I have always wondered about their validity! Here's the thing people, I'm from the "school of you get what you pay for"....Quality is important on some things....toilet paper....deodorant.....mozzarella cheese...you know the basics! I was on the fence with the store brand OPK's ....but we did it anyway!! So I decided to test them tonight ...I KNOW because I got the shot that it will be positive ...so I peed on a stick and was actually a little excited to FINALLY SEE the TWO LINES the SAME color! But here's the thing folks...IT WAS NEGATIVE......THE FRIGGEN THINGS DON'T WORK!!!!! I will now we adding OPK'S to the list of important quality items!

Ok BTW....my malfunctionable BBT is the SAME BRAND as the defective OPK'S! Interesting huh?

11.17.2009

Holiday Song: Do You Fear What I Fear?

New Holiday Infertility Song: Do You Fear What I Fear? (Sung to the tune of Do You Hear What I Hear?)

Said the infertile to the preggo test
Do you see what I see? (do you see what I see?)
only one line here, little test
Do you see what I see? (do you see what I see?)
a tear, a tear falling from my eye
Again bad luck has made me cry
Again bad luck has made me cry

Said the infertile to her lover boy
Do you fear what I fear? (Do you fear what I fear?)
no baby for us , lover boy
Do you fear what I fear? (Do you fear what I fear?)
Away we go to the R.E's
With a bill as big as the the sea
With a bill as big as the the sea

Said the infertile to her twitter peeps
Do you know what I know? (what I know, what I know?)
TTC is rough, twitter peeps
Do you know what I know? (what I know, what I know?)
A child, My Child I just want to hold
Let me get pregnant before I get too old
Let me get pregnant before I get too old

Said the infertile to the people everywhere
Listen to what I say! (what I say, what I say)
Pray for my BFP, people, everywhere
Listen to what I say! (what I say, what I say)
The Child, the Child that I've waited for
I couldn't ask for anything more!
I wouldn't ask for anything more!

11.12.2009

Holiday Songs ...Part one

OK folks..I figured before I slipped into my drugged induced sleeping coma, I would crank out one more song.....Enjoy! (P.S. I will try to do one a week from now until Christmas!)

This is Hell (sung to the tune of Jingle Bells)

Dashing in the van
on the way to the RE
It's 6 o clock AM
Ultrasound time for me

Bills for doctors grow
making wallets tight
FULL WAITING ROOM AT 6 AM ?
GOD, this can't be right?!?

This is hell
This is hell
infertility
oh what "fun" it is to be on the journey to pregnancy! HEY!

This is hell
This is hell
infertility
Oh what "fun" it is to be on the journey to pregnancy!

A week or two ago
I thought I was preggo
Went for beta blood work
and Nurse BFF told me no!

Three clomid pills a day
and a shot of ovidril
add progesterone suppositories
what a crazy hormone thrill!

This is hell
This is hell
infertility
Oh what "fun" it is to be on the journey to pregnancy! Hey


This is hell
This is hell
infertility
Oh what "fun" it is to be on the journey to pregnancy!






Sleep Deprivation

Oh Clomid! You have not been my friend this month. On top of the random hot flashes...I have also been dealing with...INSOMNIA (dum dum dum!). This whole week I don't think I have slept more than 2-3 hours in a row without waking up, getting mad at myself for waking up, realizing I have to pee, getting mad that I have to pee, and then not being able to fall back asleep...only to start the cycle again in 2-3 hours!

Yes...some of my BBT hysteria is probably to blame for this but I know it's the Clomid..it's punishing me for having NO symptoms last month. Speaking of BBT hysteria...My chart looks like a bad stock market plunge....Temp was at an all time (by all time ..I mean the 7 days that I have been testing) low today ...97.36....Oh and remember that fear I had of my BBT thermometer malfunctioning ...IT HAS....the last temp recall ALWAYS says 97.70....which is obviously a fever for me!

I'm tired ...and cranky.....and my body just wants to go to sleep but my head wants to clean the floorboards in the house with my magic erasers! This dilemma has caused me to sit in front of the computer for the last 90 minutes (which I obviously could have knocked one of those things off my list)....but I'm listening to Christmas music so the world is good =)

Tonight is our first OPK test of this cycle...I'm hoping all the Christmas music has got those follicles ROCKING! Rocking Around the Ov-ary (get it ...ovary...not Christmas tree...like the song.....sigh...I know ...I know)

Rocking Around the Ov-ary
Have a happy ultrasound
Everyone dancing merrily
The IUI is going down.........

Rocking Around the Ov-ary
go get that syringe
later we'll eat some pineapple and we'll do some praying...

You will get a sentimental feeling when you hear
"follicles are over 20, ovidril shot, and sperm of plenty"

OK............... I ...............NEED .......................SLEEP!

11.08.2009

BBT Hysteria!

So today was my third day of Clomid and all I can say is HOLY HOT FLASHES! Last night was the worst...as I am in one of my places of worship (also known as the Christmas Tree Shops), I felt like someone had 1000 of those little portable heaters on me. M-I-S-E-R-A-B-L-E! I mean for heavens sakes will someone just please turn on the air conditioning ...or I guess just open the door.....(I just had a quick glimpse of life during menopause and have decided that I will be staying 29 forever).

I have also ventured into the world of the BBT! ahhh the Basal Body Temperature. I know you are thinking how I could possibly be trying to conceive for three years and not have ventured into this world so far.....it's simple really...technology....OPK's and pregnancy tests to be exact! Actually when I think about it, a couple of years ago BBT-ing was something I thought people "in the good old days" did. I mean my mom said she bbt-ed...and that was 30 YEARS AGO (sorry mom). Hubby and I actually had to take a class on charting and bbt-ing BEFORE we got married (ahh that good old catholic church teaching us to procreate)......We thought the class was BS and we joked the whole time (LOVE MY HUSBAND). God how I wish I had paid attention (and yes I am actually talking to god here ...I do wish I paid attention during the class that we had to take to get married in his presence....I wasn't using the "lords name in vain" or anything...because I wouldn't do something like that .....anymore).

MAYBE just maybe ...If I had paid attention I wouldn't be going through what I like to refer to as BBT hysteria! BBT hysteria is a term to describe someone who WAKES UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT to see if it's time to test! Not only do I wake up in the middle of the night to see if it's time but I also freak out about moving to see the time. I'm a belly sleeper and I happen to be most comfortable when I am facing my husband...so to take my temp I have to carefully roll over onto my back....calculate the time to see if "it's time" (yes I said calculate...I can NOT for the life of me figure out how to change the time on my alarm clock and am way to embarrassed to mention that to Hubby ...who will read this and know...so BABE..mind helping me out here? THANKS!) and fish around on the nightstand (in the dark) to find the thermometer! It goes a little something like this: *CRASH* -crap that was my phone.....*BANG*- the alarm clock hitting the wall......*boom*- the remote hits the floor....THANK gosh (see I didn't use HIS name) I have never knocked the thermometer over ...because I would probably have a nervous breakdown and cry as I tried to pick up the thermometer with my toes while trying not to move any other muscles.....

And I don't know if anyone else has these problems but my thermometer seems to take FOREVER to read.....I swear its like 8 minutes long......This morning was the worst when I had to pee so bad that I was reasoning if my bladder would burst before the alarm on the thermometer beeped.

AND I know that my thermometer has last temp recall but I am so scared of it malfunctioning and not recording the temp that after the thing has beeped...I get out of bed...pick up the crap from the floor ..use my phone as a flashlight and read the temp and then right it down by my computer....SIGH....I am exhausted by 7:30 in the morning!!

Maybe this BBT stuff isn't for me....but I'm trying .....It makes me feel like I have something in my control....I'm not sure what that something is yet....but I have it =)

Next up:.......We start OPK-ing on Wednesday!!!

11.06.2009

Round Two....

So this morning I got poked and prodded again...and it wasn't by my husband! Today was my CD 3 ultrasound and blood work. I got to the office and was pleasantly surprised by the abundance of open seats. Either the economy is bad and the office can no longer afford to hire actors to fill the seats in the morning, or everyone got pregnant on the last cycle except for me and the other poor schmoes. I was called fast for my blood work (as usual)......and you know how that goes......

....another day....another blood work test...another bruise!

But seriously, what the hell is up with them bruising me EVERY time I get blood work taken? I have bad veins (I have a serious hatred for needles and my veins hide each time I have to have blood work taken). So I figured out a pattern of rotation for them so that I do not have to have bruises in the same places all the time. I currently have one on my right arm ...so today we took from my right hand...that bruise is lovely! I guess I would much rather deal with a bruise than have them on a fishing expedition in my arm trying to find a vein......

I also (believe it or not) was called back REALLY fast to the ultrasound. (Side note...CD 3 ULTRASOUND...EWWW). However, I waited for what seemed like forever in the room for the doctor......I really thought they forgot about me....maybe if I wasn't wearing just a sheet of crepe paper for pants I would have went out to remind them......

I had a new doctor this time....Dr. Nice Guy (I'm assuming from his name you can tell how I feel about him). There was a HUGE sigh of relief that it wasn't Dr. "I-don't -know-what-the-hell-just-happened". There are 10 small follicles on the right...he goes to the left (which by the way does anyone else want to kick the doctor when they look at the left ovary.....I hate the pressure!)...there are two...one is small and one is measuring 11mm. Now 11 mm was what I had at day 14 last month so here I am thinking I have the fastest growing follicle ever ....I'm definitely thinking I am ahead of the game and that my follicle will be a future rocket scientist.

So I asked the Twitter gals this morning about the size and it was mentioned that it could be a cyst (which totally makes sense because of my polycystic ovaries) ...and that when my estrogen came back, they would be able to tell......

Nurse BFF is unfortunately on vacation until Wednesday ( UM HELLO....I NEED YOU HERE!!!) ...so a different nurse on Dr. Godfather's team called. She called 45 MINUTES after I got home!!!!! Told me everything looked great and to go ahead and start the clomid. I asked about the 11mm follicle being a cyst and she said AND I QUOTE (JUST IN CASE I HAVE TO SUE) "Nope. Everything looks great". Now the logistics of them having my blood work back in 45 minutes is slim to none...so I'm thinking she didn't even check my blood work and LIED TO ME (that bitch!).

But anyway..I guess it really doesn't matter what it is...I still do the clomid tonight and we still move forward.

Please be my month!!!

11.05.2009

The End Result is You...

My Dearest baby:

So tomorrow mommy and daddy start over with the doctor's appointments with the hope and prayer to be meeting you soon! We had wished with all our hearts that it would have been nine months from right now...but God has other plans! I know that Mommy's heart has been broken and Daddy seems on edge but its because we are so excited to see you and are truly disappointed that we have to wait longer. Mommy's gonna try not to cry today (OK...after this letter).....I promised you three years ago when we started on this journey that I would do everything I could for you ....and I will.....even if that means the 6 am doctors visits and giving up my beloved "sweet tooth". I even promise that I will do my twenty minute walks every day!!! I will do whatever I need to do, my love, because the end result is you!

I love you already more than you will ever know!

Love,
Your Mommy
(and yes...yes...I will stop crying now)

11.04.2009

Wordless Wednesday- Brokenhearted


Every day it'll get better.....

11.02.2009

My little egg...that didn't!

After my whole anxiousness and anxiety, nausea and tiredness....Nurse BFF called and it didn't work .....

I knew it....I knew it deep down but that's the crap with this process, the what ifs convince you otherwise. The "what ifs" made me go out and buy What to expect when you are expecting EVEN THOUGH I felt like I didn't even belong in that section of the bookstore.

I now want that book OUT OF MY HOUSE!

My socks didn't work...my pleading with god didn't work...our six A.M. doctors visits didn't work...What did happen was that my heart burst into a billion little pieces the second she said "I have bad news for you"....I have never in my life wanted to be somewhere (ANYWHERE) else at that point ....I have NO idea what she said after those words....I was too busy concentrating on walking up my 16 clean steps (thanks to my mother in law who has been nervously cleaning all day) to fall apart in my bedroom.

Everyone has been so excited for us and on edge about the results all day...I knew I had to say something, so it came in the form of a mass text message with the simple words "It didn't work".....I've been getting crazy responses back left and right...I don't have the energy to look at my phone......

I know deep down the WORST hasn't come yet because my husband isn't home from work and I didn't have to see that look on his face yet.....I just want to scream that I am so sorry ....he shouldn't have to go through this .....God "blessed" me with these issues...not him.....

I can't deal with the whats next questions because right now I don't even know how I am going to survive the next five minutes.....The thought of doing that ALL OVER AGAIN takes those billions pieces of my heart and stomps on them!

This is NOT RIGHT! I KNEW IT WAS NEGATIVE but someone forgot to tell my heart........

10.28.2009

Happy Halloween Wordless Wednesday!!

My First Wordless Wednesday Post!

My Nephew's Second Halloween!

Is he not the definition of love? <3


Sidenote: the costume was too heavy so my dad had to hold up the top part so we could get the picture =)

10.26.2009

Hope!

It might be the many hormones that I am supossiting (is that a word? well now it is!) ...or maybe it's just the mood I'm in but (are you sitting down?) I actually like the two week wait! GASP! I know ...I know!!! These two weeks are magical.....everything means something and it's all baby related. Twinges in the stomach (might be gas) ..definitely the baby!!! Sore boobs (could be because my period is coming)...definitely the baby!!! Nausea over everything and heightened sense of smell (maybe my house smells funny)....NOPE ..definitely the baby!!!! The two week wait is like the Christmas season.....everyone's jolly (and it's OK if you gain ten pounds).

This is also the time where I LOVE to be around other mom's .....I finally feel like I am part of the club. Well, I am not sure if I am pregnant but I could be so I totally fit in now!!! I was at a party on Friday night surrounded by mommies and I was absorbing all of the information......potty training....Halloween customs and costumes......dealing with the new baby.....I was making mental notes of everything!!! I could have listened to it forever.....

Now I know just a couple of days ago I was saying that I wasn't allowing myself to think about it....but seriously who was I kidding? I am 8 days past the IUI's and its all I can think about. And of course I realize that in just seven days, when Nurse BFF calls with the news, my whole world could fall apart....those magical pains go back to being just pains and I can be once again left on the outside of the mommy club (I mean seriously...how long does someone have to pound on the door before you let me in?!?!?). But on the other hand, this could be it!!

See what I mean? The two week wait is a torturous and magical time! It's a time of hope ....

Once you choose hope, anything's possible. ~Christopher Reeve

10.22.2009

Infertility Learned Helplessness

I am currently working on my masters in reading education. This week's focus was on motivating students and the term learned helplessness came up. We talked about it all week.....what it is....how we help students overcome it. As I worked on my paper yesterday, I read this definition " the expectation, based on experience, that one's actions will ultimately lead to failure" and as I sat and thought about the definition, I started to realize that I suffer from this.....

I have learned to be helpless when it comes to my fertility issues. The experiences of constant failure has lead me to believe and to doubt the fact that it might ever happen naturally for us. We finally had the opportunity to do the IUI and Nurse BFF confirmed today that I did ovulate (which is a celebration in itself) so our chances are as great as any and I still sit here in fear. Today is day 4 of my two week wait and the insanity of it all is already setting in! A simple thought that I could possibly be pregnant comes in and I won't allow myself to think it. I stop it quickly reminding myself that I am saving the me that is going to be falling apart in 11 days from a whole new level of heartache. If I truly believe I am not pregnant, then it shouldn't hurt right? I wish it was this easy. Maybe deep deep down I still really want to believe....but that's between you and I.

After three years of trying, how can one not be overcome with the feeling of failure? Month after month, failed pregnancy test after failed pregnancy test really leaves some marks on your soul. It truly changes a person and there aren't enough words to explain it.

I promised myself (and my hubby) that I will NOT test early. In eleven days...I will let the blood work talk (secretly hoping that a break from my normal obsessive testing ritual will break a bad streak of negative tests...I mean I did things differently so it has to work right?)

.......Am I strong enough is the question?

10.18.2009

Let's Do This

So we did our second IUI today. I stayed up late last night to watch the Yankees kick ass (of course) so both Hubby and I were SUPER tired and ya know something....I just didn't want to be there! Of course I wanted to get the IUI ...but the smell of the office building almost made me sick to my stomach and truth be told...I AM TIRED OF GOING THERE! We have been there what 6 times in the past 10 days! We walked into the office and I was greeted by my name before we even signed in (Yup! I definitely have been there too much).

Dr. "I-don't-know-what-the-hell-just-happened" was on call again (UGH). We sat down and hubby said it felt like we never left! They had bagels again today so that must be something they do every weekend for their patients and it just goes to show you how awesome of an office this is!

We go in for the IUI ...less questioning today than yesterday but the nurse still had to come in and try to trip me up on the questions. And here comes Dr "I-don't-know-what-the-hell-just-happened"....he walks in the door and says "OK! Let's do this!" No "Hi how are you today?" Just plain "OK! Let's do this!" .....I felt like a prostitute who was getting screwed out of money! But once again...that was just something that made Hubby and I laugh afterwards =)

So here we go.......the two week wait!!!

10.17.2009

The Long Awaited IUI #1

We did it!!!
My little follicle that could...did! We did our first IUI this morning. We arrived once again at the office 5 minutes early. Hubby was excited to see there were bagels again! We went into the waiting room and I got called for my blood work right away. I go back to the lab and there is LOUD music blasting....a Sean Paul CD....I love me some Sean Paul music! I like to "shake that thing"...just NOT at 6 in the morning. And then when I thought it couldn't get any worse..the guy taking my blood started dancing! He was dancing around the lab and then was ACTUALLY dancing while taking my blood. Please tech taking my blood, don't shake your ass or man junk while you have a needle in my arm collecting blood. I was super annoyed ....and then I noticed it....THE DR ON CALL ....Dr. " I-don't-know-what-the-hell-just-happened"....CRAP!

Hubby said to me before we went in "Watch him not be able to find the follicle"....and that was what happened....Not only could he not find the follicle...HE COULDN'T FIND MY LEFT OVARY! Now I'm not doctor or even a lover of biology but I am pretty sure that the left ovary is on the left and it stays on the left. After a VERY uncomfortable examination....we got the very limited information that Dr."I-don't-know-what-the-hell-just-happened" is famous for. "It's over 20. We will do the IUI". Although limited ....the news was so exciting!

Next Hubby did his business and it was time for my shot. The nurse called me in and asked if everything was OK. She must have known I was gonna pass out. She gave me the option of my stomach or my thigh and she said we would go with my thigh from the color white I turned when she mentioned my stomach. The shot itself was painless....really just a little prick...but my leg started to throb for a bit after.

After that we had an "hour" wait (they say its an hour...but it so wasn't an hour....much longer). We had a bagel (thanks doc!) and sat in the car (I needed to get out of there for a bit). We got called back about 9 to do the IUI and you would think I was going to the bank to withdraw millions. We had to sign two pieces of paper after verifying info with nurse one. Then nurse two comes in and tries to trip me up with questions...seriously...rapid fire questions " Name" "Partners Name" "Birthday" "Partners Birthday"....then Dr. "I-don't-know-what-the-hell-just-happened" comes in and had to verify the info again. When he asked my name I almost laughed ...You have seen me without pants on twice already and now you are asking my name =). Then we were ready to go..

Procedure slightly uncomfortable in the beginning but SO worth it! After the doctor left the room, Hubby says to me "I feel like I'm at a casino...everyone is wishing us a generic good luck...like they do when you cash in chips or sit down at a table and change money". I hadn't noticed it until a nurse came back in and did it and then we both started laughing.

So here I am ...resting in bed on my laptop writing to you all! IUI # 2 is scheduled for tomorrow morning ...we have an appt! Thank God because we spent like 4 hours there this morning.

So come on egg....."I think you can" "I think you can"

10.15.2009

My Little Follicle That Could

Good News today!!! WE HAVE A FOLLICLE PEOPLE!!! 19 mm. I am so happy!

It all started this morning with my sock choice. I have a huge cute sock fetish and today I wore my brand new pair of socks that say "Lucky Girl" with a shamrock! They are so meant for St. Patrick's Day but hey I'm Irish ....so It's OK!! We only waited like 5 minutes in the waiting room (it was SO nice to have an appt!). Dr Godfather came in ....Did I tell you how much I love this guy? I was so nervous before he came in and then I was completely calm. I told him I was ready to go with my lucky socks on.

He went right to the right ovary and checked on that first follicle that we had been watching. NO GROWTH ....I took a deep breath -thinking we were done....then he swings over to the left and there it is....NICE AND HUGE on the screen!! 19 MM!!!! Seriously...I was so proud...they should start giving infertiles pictures of our follicles =) Just like the little engine that could....that's my little follicle that could....it was going to get there...it just did it in its own time =) As soon as the egg releases, it will be chanting "I think I can" "I think I can" all the way through fertilization! As my mom pointed out this morning, It's my little egg that will

Dr. Godfather is thinking it will be ready on Saturday for the IUI ....which means our IUI's will be Saturday and Sunday (still on the weekend...just a week later)....but I need to do an OPK tonight to see if I surge. If so, we go in tomorrow morning! Nurse BFF called and said my estrogen level was good ......everything is moving right along....couldn't be happier!

10.13.2009

I'm Jenn and I'm an emo-foodaholic

Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I could refer to myself as anything emo. But it happened folks....I am an emo-foodaholic (also known as an emotional eater). I have always known that when life gets rough, I get sweets but this morning brought me to a whole new realization.....I had my first ever Food Binge Hangover. What is a food binge hangover you ask? Its when you wake up the next morning and realize that you ATE your way through a problem, which in turn makes your problem worse and you have all the hangover symptoms....upset stomach ...check! Nausea...check! Utter regret....check! Swearing that you will never do it again....check!!! Headache...check! (Granted the headache was probably from crying...but it's all related)!

Let me back up and explain what sent me to Halloween candy hell last night. Nurse BFF called and explained they didn't see what they needed to see yesterday. There was SOME growth but it wasn't a lot so I have to go back on Thursday for another ultrasound and blood work this time. The ultrasound to check the growth again and the blood work to check my estrogen level. Nurse BFF said if my estrogen level is low, the doctor will need to see us because the Clomid isn't doing it's job and he will probably want to add injectibles. AHH Those injectibles...I cringed after hearing it...not just because I hate needles but because Nurse BFF says they cost $2000 a month and we have NO COVERAGE for it. After discussing this with her, my main reaction was to have a nervous breakdown on the phone....but I sucked my cheeks in and bit my lips to stop myself from crying. As soon as I hung up the phone though...I fell apart!

I was trying so hard not to overreact ...I mean..I know that there is a possibility everything will work out on Thursday...that my estrogen might be high and they will put me back on Clomid (Clomid side note: I know that is sooo weird...but I completely trust them). However a lifetime of things just not working out for me has left me bitter and weary. Each time I would convince myself to stop crying...I would just as soon start again.....I actually cried myself into a nap...

Upon waking up..I knew I had to go to the store and pick up my meds....This is where I lost control.....with eyes swollen and nose stuffed...I ventured to CVS and somewhere in the Halloween aisle ...amidst the Reese's and the Hershey's and the Willy Wonka Mix-up....I picked up a bag of candy....Nope...not for trick or treaters folks....but for me and my ungrown follicles....To make matters worse...I stopped at McDonald's .....I know I know people...I have a problem.....

So I woke up with my food binge hangover today after a night of a candy coma.....and I realized I am an emotional eater....yup....an emo-foodaholic....Picture yourself a teenager described as an "emo" and I am sure that is what I looked like in CVS yesterday! I definitely was sporting MAJOR cry face!

So here is what I propose.....Next time I have an emotional breakdown (which will probably be Thursday)....someone needs to tie me up and make me stare at all my "fat" pictures. You know those pictures that you look at and say "I am NEVER EATING AGAIN".......That oughta do the trick.

oh....and I bit off all my nails...so apparently I'm not just an emo-foodaholic..I am a manicurist's worst nightmare too!

10.12.2009

I Don't Know What Happened!

I know you are all dying to know what happened at my Dr's visit this morning and the truth is ...I have no friggen idea. Hubby and I decided to be early today. We walked through the door five minutes before opening to once again a room full of waiting people (OK so seriously....are these people hired actors to make the waiting room look busy?). I'm surprised I didn't see remnants of camping gear on my way in....its ridiculous....so we had another LOOOONG wait this morning.

Unfortunately Dr Hurry was not our Dr today.....We had a different guy. He came in....seemed nice enough....started spouting all these numbers off to the nurse from my ultrasound. When he was done, he started to look at my chart and talk something about Clomid. Now I don't know if I was in a daze or he was not making sense but he said something about coming back on Thursday ....and possibly retaking clomid again this cycle (has anyone ever heard of this...it seems weird to me) ....and just like that he was out the door. The nurse stayed behind a minute so I asked about the sizes of my follicles and she said (and I quote) " It could be 12.5 or 13...it's still in the same bracket....a nurse will call you later" and then she was out the door and I literally turned to my husband and uttered the words "WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?"!

Dr. "I-don't-know-what-the-hell-just-happened" didn't bother explaining anything to us...in fact he seemed confused himself.....I'm sure there was a point where he was actually mumbling to himself...So I would love to have more information for you all but the only thing I understood was "See you on Thursday".

I'm praying this isn't Dr. "I-don't-know-what-the-hell-just-happened"'s week to do morning monitoring.....

10.11.2009

Grow Follicle..... GROW!

So we had our big doctors appt. on Saturday. Hubby and I figured that since they open at 6, that we would be there for 6! We even pulled up early and sat in the car for five minutes. So you can imagine my surprise when I walk into the office at 6:01 and there are FIFTEEN PEOPLE in front of me!!!!!! What did they camp out? Seriously people ...this is a doctors office...not Ticketmaster! And that LOOONNNNNGGGG wait was so good for my nerves!

We go into the examination room and I get prepped for yet ANOTHER ultrasound! The same doctor I had last time came in. Very nice man....but he's kinda like a wham-bam-thank you maam- doctor....in and out .....it was like this " ok ...one follicle 11 mm....let's have you come back in two days...any questions?...have a great day"! In and out....He's Dr. Hurry! Dr. Hurry only found one follicle and it was 11 mm. I guess it needs to be 18 to 22. So back we go again tomorrow morning. PLEASE FOLLICLES GROW!!!

I had the most INSANE dreams with what little sleep I got Friday night...One dream was we did the IUI and the sperm kept swimming the wrong way ...they were swimming out...not up! Another was that I was calling after a failed IUI and the doctor couldn't see me until MARCH! I was totally freaked out and I remember feeling so helpless.

By the way....the doctors office had a HUGE spread of bagels and cream cheese put out for the patients. I thought that was wonderful! Not that I was even able to eat...because I wanted to puke from nerves...but still it was REALLY nice for everyone else! On the other hand...I'd like a baby ..not a bagel please =)

10.09.2009

Nerves.....

Can someone please tell me how to get those "nerves of steel" that everyone is talking about?!?!? I swear I have nerves of fishing wire or maybe nerves of a rubber band (sometimes things bounce off but it also snaps!). I am soo anxious for our visit to the RE's office for our possible IUI. My brain is running all over the place....I'm worried about the follicles ...I'm worried if the follicles are good that I have to get that shot....I'm worried that I will feel pain even remotely close to the HSG pain that I felt.......I swear...IS THAT A GRAY HAIR?!

On a different note...I was thinking ....when our kids ask where babies come from we REALLY don't have to explain the whole sex thing. "See honey, babies come from something that looks like a turkey baster....They mix some of daddy's brains and patience with mommy's good looks and love for shopping ...and here you are!"

What's the birds and the bees?! A fiction story I tell ya!!!

I would also like to state for the record that I am NOT happy with the fact that I want to eat when I am stressed out......Seriously!??! Couldn't I be one of those people that like to go running....or work out? Or even better yet....Why can't I be one of those people that CAN'T eat when they are stressed out?!?!? So I eat when I am stressed out and I shop when I am upset/depressed....ya know what that leaves me? A whole closet full of clothes that don't fit!

Say a prayer for us that everything works out tomorrow and that we are able to do the iui so I don't feel the need to shop and eat all weekend =)

10.03.2009

Karma's a Bitch and So am I!!!

I'M A BITCH! There I said it!!! If you know me, you know this. I am VERY protective over people I care about and love. I also know what I want and am not afraid to speak my mind. It's one of the many reasons people love me (but is also one of the many reasons people feel the need to talk about me). Despite my hard shell, I am very sensitive and even if I don't want to, I get my feelings hurt easily. Maybe I turn on the bitch as a dealing mechanism.....I'd rather be pissed at you than for you to see me cry....and the worst thing of all I tend to hold grudges (ESPECIALLY against people that have hurt people I love).

So many things have been bothering me lately and I came to a point where I said "I don't want to be bothered with this anymore"...I found myself thinking I would be OK if I never spoke to a certain people again....How I just don't want to be bothered with their crap....their drama...and I found myself thinking today that I need to cut certain ties and focus on me......

And then this little word popped into my mind....karma!

Kinda the idea that what you give to the world, you get from the world....and then I started to think of what I would say to my child about these situations....Don't judge so easily.....How will I possibly be able to give my children that advice when I am not following it myself? Isn't it hurting me more to turn my back? What example do I want to lead for my children one day? What do I want them to understand?? And it's really simple....

..Love is love and some relationships/friendships are worth fighting for.

Didn't I learn this already? I figured this out quickly in the romance department.....when I was just 18 and I KNEW I wanted to marry my husband.....We had a hell of an 8 year long distance relationship and every tear I cried and laugh we shared was worth it when I walked down that aisle with him waiting for me at the end.

So why is it different with friends and family? Is this what our 20's are about? I just realized this is not the person I want to be, the person who turns her back on people! I wasn't raised that way.....I was given the gift of an open mind from my parents...which is one of the best things they could have given me....I want my children to have the same.....Maybe all these years of trying to "figure out who I am" actually made me lose a little bit of who I want to be.... I may always be a bitch and extremely protective of my friends and family but I will also be more forgiving.....It's time to be a better person.....

How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours. ~Wayne Dyer

10.01.2009

Mama Worries....

Does anyone ever sit down and wonder what kind of parent they will be? I've been thinking about this over the last few days. Sometimes I just look over at the hubby and try to picture us with kids. I guess people that don't have to deal with infertility probably don't give this much thought until they are actually going to have a baby....it's been different in my case.

I LOVE children! That's why I became a teacher......I know I am great with children.....but how am I going to be when they are my own. I don't think anyone wakes up in the morning and says "I'm going to be a bad mother today"....and what even constitutes being a bad mother? Having worked in schools I have seen many types of moms and I feel like I am always making mental notes.....trying to prepare.... I look at some people who have it all together ..they are the definition of an "ideal mom" with less than perfect children and on the other hand ....I look at someone who has not been a good role model and has perfect kids......Is it genetics? Nature Vs. Nurture for sure!!

I am so ready (soooooo ready) to have a family.....I love my hubby so much and I love the life we have and the relationship we share but I know something is missing. I love that we are both excited for the procedures and of the future that we hope and pray lays before us. Each time we have a quick little chat about a baby, my heart skips a beat. (My favorite is still the fact that he wants a papoose carrier for when the baby is up at night so he can play video games).

I was beating myself up today...I don't cook enough....I'm not as on top of my cleaning as I should be....Sometimes I wash all the laundry and DON'T hang it up and it sits in piles for days (OK weeks)....I really should vacuum more....all these crazy thoughts running through my head.....but I figured out..IT'S OK....the only person expecting me to be perfect when all this finally does happen is me and it's OK if I don't have it all figured out in the beginning. I thinking that my insanity for perfection will probably make me June Cleaver-ish with my children ....

......I guess time will tell........

9.30.2009

Enjoy Your Ride!

Have I ever told you how scared of heights I am?!?!? I HATE rollercoasters!!! To me, a rollercoaster just seems like a method of torture. I don't like to not be in control of my feet leaving the ground (and this includes flying)...Maybe I am a control freak......So its kinda ironic how Hubby(who maybe I should be calling "He's A Prince") and I just stepped back in to the crazy infertility treatment rollercoaster.

This is our third time getting on this ride....The first time was right after we go married. My Gyno put me on Femara to try for two months and she said if it didn't work, we would need to see a reproductive endocrinologist. I was soo sure it worked the first month....so friggen sure!!! All the excitement and the maybes.....all to be torn down with a stick that I had to pee on....And of course the second one didn't work ......And then we found out we had NO fertility coverage!!! Depression ensued.....I was in a haze for many months!!!

The second time we attempted it- we decided to go for a consultation (and paid $250 dollars cash) with one of the top PCOS doctors in San Diego! Well we were soon passed off to Dr. Jackass ....who was pushing IUI RIGHT AWAY without even TESTING US!!! We explained the whole insurance thing...and he "agreed" to let us try Clomid at home for a couple of months. Started me on these pills to get my period (I'm pretty sure it wasn't Provera...although I guess it might have been)....I'll spare everyone the details of what happened next.....I'll just sum that month up by saying I had a 56 day cycle that month ....and when I called DR. JACKASS (which happened to be Christmas Eve) he told me he was NO LONGER willing to let us try at home AFTER ONE MONTH...Thanks for ruining my Christmas jackass!! More depression......

And here we are starting number three.....Things are different now....we have some coverage and I love Dr. Godfather and my Nurse BFF! So I am hoping that the third times a charm....We are planning a three month cycle of IUI's (and hopefully, we won't need any after the first)....If the three months don't work ...we will need to meet with Dr. Godfather again.....I started Clomid last night ...so far no side effects (I definitely just jinxed myself). I start OPK testing on Tuesday ....so our IUI could be some time next week. If I don't get a change in OPK by Next Saturday, I go in anyway. We need to do an ultrasound to check the follicles and if everything is good...we will go ahead with the IUI!!!

I am excited and SCARED out of my mind....I keep telling myself that Dr. Godfather said He is confident that once they can get me ovulating that we shouldn't have any problems....but the realist in me knows it most likely won't be that easy...because this is us and things don't come easily for us!! So buckle up...keep your hands and feet inside at all times and ENJOY YOUR RIDE!!!!