My Dearest Sweet Pea 2013

My Dearest Sweet Pea,

                I can not believe tomorrow morning you will wake up as a 2 year old.  I really thought the first year of your life flew by fast but that was nothing compared to this past year.  I seriously feel like I was just running around like crazy getting everything ready for your Candy Land first birthday.  It feels like a blink of an eye and that makes me lose my breath. 

            There has been no greater joy in the whole world than watching you transform from a newborn to toddler.  You are becoming more and more of a little (over opinionated) lady every day.  The growth is magical and fascinating to watch.  As excited as I am to continue to watch you grow, I do wish time would slow down a little. 

             You and I have gotten our little daily routine down to a science!  You wake up every morning calling out for us, letting us know you are all done sleeping.  The look of excitement on your face every morning when you see daddy and I makes my heart melt EVERY time!  We have breakfast (and you always want to eat half of mommy's) and we play.  You love to read books and sing songs (especially "I'm a Little Teapot" and "Roll Up the Map").   You know your animals and your colors and just a few letters.  You get very excited when you see the letter "A"!  You love ALL things Mickey (who you call "ISHY") and Minnie Mouse.  We always have a day full of adventures (especially when you throw your tantrums).  I wouldn't change anything!

           The next year of our lives will be very exciting!  You brother is coming to join us in just a couple months!  I know it may be difficult at first for you because you are used to just Mommy all day long.  Let me tell you a secret, Mommy feels that way too.  I am SO very happy to bring your brother to us but my heart gets a little sad because I know it won't be just you and I anymore.  I promise to always make special time for you and in no time, we will have our special days out together, where we can get mani and pedi's.  I very much look forward to those days. 

          Every single day, my love for you grows stronger and each night before I go to bed I think there is no possible way I could love you more...and then the next day I do.  You are everything Mommy prayed for...everything I have ever wished on a star for!!!

        Happy Second Birthday Baby Girl!!!!!  I love you all day, every day and twice as much today!!!!

Love, your Mama

A Dream of Peanut

Before I even knew I was pregnant, I had this really weird dream that I was nine months pregnant and didn't know (and no I don't watch that show "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" because I honestly don't see how that's even possible. But anyway....). The dream was so strange.

All of a sudden, I'm in the hospital and we are freaking out. I had no idea what I was having. Then out of nowhere, the baby kicked it's foot out of my stomach and I looked down at it and saw a little foot with a Michael Jordan sock (um hello RANDOM?!) on it and I turned to my husband and said "it's a boy!". That's all I could remember....

And then two weeks later, I found out I am pregnant.

My husband and I were talking about how crazy the dream was ....I was actually pregnant when I had it.

So you could imagine my surprise when I learned that Peanut is actually a boy!!!

It's like my subconscious was preparing me for all this! Although I'm not sure what the whole Michael Jordan sock means.....unless he's gonna be a basketball player (or maybe own the Chicago Bulls or work/model for Fruit of the Loom or decide he wants to be a baseball player for ONE season).

HOW FREAKY WOULD THAT BE?!?!

The Infertile Who Cried Wolf

Hi!  I totally know it's been forever since I posted.  At first, I had nothing to say.  Then I couldn't find the words..or the time.  I got an itch this morning...so here I am!!

HOW LUCKY ARE YOU?!?!

In our long journey for Sweet Pea, having never been pregnant before, I SWORE I was pregnant more times than I care to remember.  The cycle was always the same.  I would feel different.  Convince myself I wasn't...then convince myself I was.  Hang onto that as long as I could.  I would finally be so convinced that I would test...and it was always negative.  My hope and my husband's hope were just like floating balloons...kept going higher, and then would pop with heartache. 

Sweet Pea has been our pride and joy.  TOTALLY worth the wait...and tears...and money spent (because unfortunately when you are dealing with infertility this is an issue! BLAH!).

We had always said we would just let nature take it's course after we had her.  If my body somehow fixed itself, wonderful!!! If not, we wanted another child but figured we would wait a few years.

I learned pretty early....my cycles did not regulate.  I was frustrated and just decided to give up.  I wouldn't think about it and I began to accept that if Sweet Pea was it for us, that's still pretty amazing!

My cycles last summer were A MESS! However, for the first time in a long time, I didn't fret about it.  It was what it was. 

Around mid September, I remember thinking that my boobs were sensitive.  The only other time I could remember where they felt like this was with Sweet Pea.  I hadn't seen the Queen of Broken Hearts since the end of July.  I wrote it off as some weird hormonal thing and carried on. 

A week later, I started to get waves of nausea.  My husband and I were heading to Sweet Pea's 18 month check up (um who let her grow up?!?!) and I told him I thought I wanted to throw up.  He said "That's it.  After this appointment, we are going to the store and buying a test.  I don't want to listen to this for a month."  He then turned to my daughter, joking around, and said "Daddy is going to make Mommy pee on a stick so we can tell her she's crazy".  

I laughed!  It WAS crazy.  Yet, my anxiety rose and I just wanted to get it over with.

We got the test and the second we walked in the house, he ushered me into the bathroom.  I did what I had done so many times before.  Yet...this time I wasn't anxiously watching my clock for the 3 min mark.  I sat and read a magazine article.  When I was finished, I took a deep breath and looked over. 

WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT SAY?!?!?!  PREGNANT?!?!?

I quickly rubbed my eyes and thought I had some disease where my sight or brain (or heart) blocked me from reading the word NOT!  This HAD to be WRONG!!!!

I opened the door SCREAMING "OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!" 

I will NEVER forget the look that both my daughter and my husband gave me....a quick look of confusion and then my husband's mouth kind of hung open for a minute.  I shoved the stick in his face so he can validate my new disease of ignoring the word "NOT". 

"That says Pregnant".

And pregnant I am. 

I NEVER in my life thought we would be blessed with such a surprise...such a miracle.  After so many times of "feeling pregnant" and the disappointment of not being...after so many times of being the "Infertile that Cried Wolf", we just didn't let ourselves go there this time!  Which of course, in the story, is when the wolf shows up!

Except this isn't a wolf.  This is our sweet little Peanut.....

I KNOW this makes me a cliche and I'm actually very uncomfortable with that.  I even remotely hate that "we forgot about it and relaxed and it happened".

I hereby apologize to anyone who has to listen to the advice "relax and it will happen".

Don't throw stones at me, k?

Don't Mess With A Mama Bear

I consider myself very aware of my surroundings.

 I often get "feelings" about people. I trust them and I act accordingly.  Of course, I HAVE been wrong but I have also been right.  If my thirty two years on earth have taught me anything so far....it's to always trust your instincts!

This awareness has become complete hypervigilance once Sweet Pea was born. 

I like to think of it as "Mama Bear Syndrome".  I will do ANYTHING to protect my child. 

I've learned a long time ago that while there ARE lots of good people out there in the world...there are also lots of bad and crazy people too.  They come in all different forms. Sometimes they are easy to spot!  That makes my job a lot easier. 

However, sometimes, they are not.

I am constantly on guard....Basically I think every stranger is a predator. 

Today, I was at one of my FAVORITE stores buying way more than the ONE thing I went in there for.  We were waiting at the checkout lane and this old man walks up and begins to stare at Sweet Pea.  I looked at him and smiled and he said " She is the best thing I have seen in this store today!".  Being that I TOTALLY agree with him, I just smiled and said "Thank You".

But then he continued to stare at her and my CREEP alert went off.  He then told me how beautiful she is and took a step towards her.

I jerked the cart backwards, closer to me.  I knew if he took one step closer, the words "GET THE F**K AWAY FROM MY CHILD" would be coming out of my mouth.  I continued to check out as quick as I could, making sure I did not take my eyes off of him for ONE second.

He then said " She is so beautiful. Only little girls could be that beautiful".

He's lucky he kept his distance or I can guarantee you he would NOT be able to walk.  

The whole thing made my super mama spidey sense go on full red alert.

While I understand that he could have VERY easily been a grandfather that adores his grandkids, I also realize how he could have VERY easily been one of those BAD people I was talking about.  Predators don't have to wear necklaces that say "I am a pig" in public. 

We have all heard ONE too many stories about bad people taking away the innocence of children and my run in might have been harmless and meant nothing, but I will never allow Sweet Pea to be put in a predicament like that that I can control. 

Has anyone ever had an experience like this? What do you do to keep your little ones safe?

The Cheerio Smuggler

Feeding has become interesting with a toddler. 

On one hand, gone are the days of prepping and washing bottles.  I no longer need to buy the ridiculously priced formulas. 

But on the other hand, I now have to deal with multiple sippy cups, prepping and cutting food into tiny little bite size pieces, and cleaning up the huge mess that was left behind....

Because seriously...the way Sweet Pea eats has about half of it in her mouth but the rest of it on the floor, in her high chair, in her hair and stuck to her clothes. 

Each and every time, I lift her up out of the chair, it is like a game of hide and seek.....where did she hide the food and where will I find it....

I would say a majority of the time, the food is somewhere I can see it and then I spend a ridiculous amount of time each day cleaning it up!

However sometimes, I get surprised....sometimes I won't find the food until we go for a diaper change.  SOMEHOW food gets into the band of her diaper!!! I've found ground beef and cheese after Tacos, spaghetti and meatballs, cheese, peas, and most often...Cheerios. 

Those little circles of toddler goodness ALWAYS seem to make it somewhere in her clothes.  At least one...EVERY TIME!

Part of me thinks that Sweet Pea is just saving some food for later as a snack (mama must teach her how to use her pockets!!) and part of me thinks this is an evil ploy from the cereal company to get more branding....if the Cheerios always fall out of their clothes and diapers, they will often land places where they typically wouldn't be so in essence it's FREE ADVERTISING for toddlers. We all know a toddler has no sense of self control when they spot these. 

Maybe Sweet Pea is trying to help out all the fellow babies by spreading her Cheerios around....

....My Little Cheerio Smuggler.

Don't Ignore My Journey

Don't ignore my journey...

I hurt....
I struggled....
I cried....

I went through cycle after cycle of negatives.  Cycle after cycle of depression.  

I lost friends and gained friends and then lost those friends too.

My marriage suffered but then got stronger.

I spent countless hours waiting...for doctors...for bloodwork...for test results...for a baby..

Even at my lowest, when I didn't think I could carry on....I found strength...I found hope...I learned to fight.

And I had her....my perfect precious daughter. My life is full of sunshine.

But the journey still remains....the story is not different! It's tattooed forever on my soul. 

I proudly share the story of conceiving my daughter....the blood, the sweat and the tears.   I want the world to see how truly precious she is!

Don't assume I am "healed" or "fixed" because of the outcome......that never could really ever be true. 

I still struggle with it all...I still struggle with infertility.  I am forever a statistic.

Don't ignore my journey... it made me the mother I am today. 

*This post was written for National Infertility Awareness Week.  For more information on infertility please click here

Dont' Cry Over Spilled Milk Huh?

Someone once said "Don't cry over spilled milk".

This person never had a one year old!

At Sweet Pea's one year appointment, her doctor told us that it was time to switch to whole milk (which I expected) and that it was time to give up the bottle (UM SAY WHAT?!?).  I quickly started to panic as I thought of Sweet Pea's fight to take the sippy cup.  She FINALLY just had started taking it and she would only take water in it.  Not formula....not juice...JUST WATER! The doctor just urged us to keep trying.

So I packed up all her day time bottles and traded it in for her new sippy cups.  She adjusted much better than I thought.  At first she wasn't drinking as much as she should, which is why we decided to keep the bottle before bed (but we are hoping to phase that out within the next month).

So there's my baby....my new little toddler....walking around the room with her "unleakable" sippy cup of milk.  Only it's not ALWAYS "unleakable".  Most of the time, it leaks ....A LOT!!! We have tried four different brands and they all spill or leak (honestly WHO is doing these studies?!?).

So what does that mean? ALL OVER MILK!

Milk on the carpet.....milk on the ottoman....milk on the couch.....milk on the tables...ALL THE TIME MILK. 

ALL. THE. TIME. MILK.

at least she's drinking it right?

These milk spills aren't just from her placing her sippy cup down....no!  My diva daughter has decided when she is done taking a sip of the milk from the cup, SHE NO LONGER WANTS TO SEE IT.  So she channels her inner Mariano Rivera and pitches it. MILK SPLATS EVERYWHERE!

Apparently, milk cleaner upper is a new part of my job description.  I am forever following my daughter around with a paper towel to get the spill as soon as it happens because let's face it...sour milk is not my favorite scent. 

So I decided to also give her a sippy cup of water during the day.  This way at least some of the spilled water will clean up the spilled milk right?


Relax mom....I'm kidding

Today, as I got up from where I was sitting to clean up spill # 823712894 of the day, my darling little milk spiller climbed up onto a pile of her toys, grabbed my own FULL cup of milk (WITH ONE HAND) and in her best audition for the NY Yankees, threw it!

My mouth gaped as I watched the milk (IN SLOW MOTION) go all over everything. Her books...her unwashable dolls...the chair...the ottoman....the carpet.  I feel my legs give out (my little paper towel will not clean this up) as she bends to pick up the cup and there is my wide eyed, crazy haired daughter standing with the cup she emptied all over the living room, smiling. 

WELCOME TO TODDLERHOOD JENN!